APPLETONS'   POPULAR   LIBRARY 

OF  THE   BEST  AUTHORS. 


THE  CONFESSIONS  OF  FITZ-BOODLE; 

AND 

SOME    PASSAGES    IN   THE   LIFE   OF   MAJOR 
GAHAGAN. 


BOOKS    BY    THACKERAY. 


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THE 


CONFESSIONS  OF  FITZ-BOODLE; 


SOME    PASSAGES 


LIFE  OF  MAJOR  GAHAGAN, 


W.  M.   THACKERAY. 
t 

AUTHOR  OF  "PENDENNIS,"  "THE  LUCK  OF  BARRY  LYNDON, 

"THE  BOOK  OF  SNOBS;"  -)k  MEN,'S  WIVES,"  ETC^     ,  , 


NEW-YORK : 
D.  APPLETON  &  COMPANY,  200  BROADWAY 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 


THE  "  CONFESSIONS  OF  FITZ-BOODLE  "  are  printed 
from  Fraser's  Magazine  for  the  year  1842,  and 
u  SOME  PASSAGES  IN  THE  LIFE  OF  MAJOR  GAHA- 
GAN,"  from  the  London  edition,  of  the  year  1841. 

YORK,  NOVEMBER  1852. 


CONTENTS. 


CONFESSIONS    OF    FITZ-BOODLE. 

r»c» 
PREFACE      .......  ...          9 

F(TZ-B(JODLE'S  CONFESSrONS     .  .....         13 

PROFESSIONS  BY  GEORGE  FITZ-BOODLE        ....  .48 

Miss  LOWE  .  .         05 

DOROTHEA    .  .  ...       124 

OTTILIA        .......  147 


SOME  PASSAGES  IN  THE  LIFE  OF  MAJOR  GAHAGAN. 

CHAPTER  I. 
"Truth  is  Grange,  Stranger  than  Fiction."  .  .  .  .173 

C  H  A  PT  K  «    T  I . 

Allyjrlmr  and  Laewaree    ........        191 

CHAPTER  III. 
A  Peep  into  Spain — Account  of  the  Orisin  and  Services  of  the  Ah.ned- 

nuggar  Irregulars    ....  ...        2^X3 

CHAPTER  IV. 
The  In.lian  Camp — The  Sortie  from  tha  Fv»rt          ....        226 

CHAPTER  V. 

The  Issu«  of  my  Interview  with  my  Wife    . 

CHAPTER  VI. 

Famine  in  the  Garrison  . 

CHAPTER  VII. 
The  Escape  .  ....••        254 

CHAPTER  VITI. 
The  Captive  .  258 

CHAPTER  IX. 
Surprise  of  Fut'y^hur      ....  .257 


FITZ-BOODLFS  CONFESSIONS. 


PREFACE/' 

GEORGE    FITZ-BOODLE,    ESQUIRE,    TO    OLIVER    YORKE, 
ESQUIRE. 

Omnium  Club,  May  20,  1842. 

DEAR  SIR, — I  have  always  been  considered  the  third- 
best  whist-player  in  Europe,  and  (though  never  betting 
more  than  five  pounds)  have  for  many  years  past  added 
considerably  to  my  yearly  income  by  my  skill  in  the 
game,  until  the  commencement  of  the  present  season, 
when  a  French  gentleman,  Monsieur  Lalouette,  was 
admitted  to  the  club  where  I  usually  play.  His  skill 
and  reputation  were  so  great,  that  no  men  of  the  club 
were  inclined  to  play  against  us  two  of  a  side ;  and  the 
consequence  has  been,  that  we  have  been  in  a  manner 
pitted  against  one  another.  By  a  strange  turn  of  luck 
(for  I  cannot  admit  the  idea  of  his  superiority),  Fortune, 
since  the  Frenchman's  arrival,  has  been  almost  con 
stantly  against  me,  and  I  have  lost  two-and-thirty 
nights  in  the  course  of  a  couple  of  score  of  nights'  play. 
Every  body  knows  that  I  am  a  poor  man ;  and  so 
much  has  Lalouette's  luck  drained  my  finances,  that 
only  last  week  I  was  obliged  to  give  him  that  famous 
1* 


10  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

grey  cob  on  which  you  have  seen  me  riding  in  the  Park 
(I  can't  afford  a  thorough-bred,  and  hate  a  cocktail), — I 
was,  I  say,  forced  to  give  him  up  my  cob  in  exchange 
for  four  ponies  which  I  owed  him.  Thus,  as  I  never 
walk,  being  a  heavy  man  whom  nobody  cares  to  mount, 
my  time,  ?i?«.r>gs  Heavily  on  my  hands  ;  and  as  I  hate 
'home,  or  that  apology  for  it — a  bachelor's  lodgings,  and 
as; I  have  ^nothing  earthly  to  do  now  until  I  can  afford 
to  -purchase1  ah  other  horse,  I  spend  my  time  in  saunter 
ing  from  one  club  to  another,  passing  many  rather  list 
less  hours  in  them  before  the  men  come  in. 

You  will  say,  Why  not  take  to  backgammon,  or 
ecarte,  or  amuse  yourself  with  a  book  ?  Sir  (putting 
out  of  the  question  the  fact  that  I  do  not  play  upon 
credit),  I  make  a  point  never  to  play  before  candles  are 
lighted ;  and  as  for  books,  I  must  candidly  confess  to 
you  I  am  not  a  reading  man.  'Twas  but  the  other  day 
that  some  one  recommended  me  to  read  your  Magazine 
after  dinner,  saying  it  contained  an  exceedingly  witty 
article  upon — I  forget  what — I  give  you  my  honour, 
sir,  that  I  took  up  the  work  at  six,  meaning  to  amuse 
myself  till  seven,  when  Lord  Trumpington's  dinner  was 
to  come  off,  and  egad !  in  two  minutes  I  fell  asleep,  and 
never  woke  till  midnight.  Nobody  ever  thought  of 
looking  for  me  in  the  library,  where  nobody  ever  goes  ; 
and  so  ravenously  hungry  was  I,  that  I  was  obliged  to 
walk  off  to  Crockford's  for  supper. 

What  is  it  that  makes  you  literary  persons  so  stupid  ? 
I  have  met  various  individuals  in  society  who  I  was  told 
were  writers  of  books,  and  that  sort  of  thing,  and  expect 
ing  rather  to  be  amused  by  their  conversation,  have 
invariably  found  them  dull  to  a  degree,  and  as  for  infor- 


PREFACE.  11 


mation,  without  a  particle  of  it.  Sir,  I  actually  asked 
one  of  these  fellows,  "  What  was  the  nick  to  seven  ?" 
and  he  stared  in  my  face,  and  said  he  didn't  know.  He 
was  hugely  overdressed  in  satin,  rings,  chains,  and  so 
forth  ;  and  at  the  beginning  of  dinner  was  disposed  to 
be  rather  talkative  and  pert ;  but  my  little  sally  silenced 
him  I  promise  you,  and  got  up  a  good  laugh  at  his 
expense,  too.  "  Leave  George  alone,"  said  little  Lord 
Cinqbars,  "  I  warrant  he'll  be  a  match  for  any  of  you 
literary  fellows."  Cinqbars  is  no  great  wiseacre  ;  but, 
indeed,  it  requires  no  great  wiseacre  to  know  that. 

What  is  the  simple  deduction  to  be  drawn  from  this 
truth  ?  Why  this, — that  a  man  to  be  amusing  and 
well-informed,  has  no  need  of  books  at  all,  and  had 
much  better  go  to  the  world  and  to  men  for  his  know 
ledge.  There  was  Ulysses,  now,  the  Greek  fellow 
engaged  in  the  Trojan  war,  as  I  dare  say  you  know; 
well,  he  was  the  cleverest  man  possible,  and  how  ?  from 
having  seen  men  and  cities,  their  manners  noted  and 
their  realms  surveyed,  to  be  sure :  so  have  I — I  have 
been  in  every  capital,  and  can  order  a  dinner  in  every 
language  in  Europe. 

My  notion,  then,  is  this.  I  have  a  great  deal  of  spare 
time  on  my  hands,  and  as  I  am  told  you  pay  a  hand 
some  sum  to  persons  writing  for  you,  I  will  furnish  you 
occasionally  with  some  of  my  views  upon  men  and 
things  ;  occasional  histories  of  my  acquaintance,  which 
I  think  may  amuse  you  ;  personal  narratives  of  my  own  ; 
essays,  and  what  not  I  am  told  that  I  do  not  spell  cor 
rectly.  This,  of  course,  I  don't  know ;  but  you  will 
remember  that  Richelieu  and  Marlborough  could  not 
spel],  and,  egad  !  I  am  an  honest  man,  and  desire  to  be 


12  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

no  better  than  they.  I  know  that  it  is  the  matter,  and 
not  the  manner,  which  is  of  importance.  Have  the 
goodness,  then,  to  let  one  of  your  understrappers  correct 
the  spelling  and  the  grammar  of  my  papers  ;  and  you 
can  give  him  a  few  shillings  in  my  name  for  his  trouble. 
Begging  you  to  accept  the  assurance  of  my  high  con 
sideration,  I  am,  sir, 

Your  obedient  servant, 

GEORGE  SAVAGE  Frrz-BooDLE. 

P.  S.  By  the  way,  I  have  said  in  my  letter  that  I 
found  all  literary  persons  vulgar  and  dull.  Permit  me 
to  contradict  this  with  regard  to  yourself.  I  met  you 
once  at  Blackwall,  I  think  it  was,  and  really  did  not 
remark  anything  offensive  in  your  accent  or  appearance. 


FITZ-BOODLL'S  CONFESSIONS.  13 


FITZ-BOODLE'S   CONFESSIONS. 


BEFORE  commencing  the  series  of  moral  disquisitions, 
&c.,  which  I  intend,  the  reader  may  as  well  know  who 
I  am,  and  what  my  past  course  of  life  has  been.  To 
say  that  I  am  a  Fitz-Boodle  is  to  say  at  once  that  I  am 
a  gentleman.  Our  family  has  held  the  estate  of  Boodle 
ever  since  the  reign  of  Henry  II. ;  and  it  is  out  of  no 
ill-will  to  my  elder  brother,  or  unnatural  desire  for  his 
death,  but  only  because  the  estate  is  a  very  good  one, 
that  I  wish  heartily  it  was  mine  :  I  would  say  as  much  of 
Chats  worth  or  Eaton  Hall. 

I  am  not,  in  the  first  place,  what  is  called  a  ladies' 
man,  having  contracted  an  irrepressible  habit  of  smok 
ing  after  dinner,  which  has  obliged  me  to  give  up  a  great 
deal  of  the  dear  creatures'  society ;  nor  can  I  go  much 
to  country-houses  for  the  same  reason.  Say  what  they 
will,  ladies  do  not  like  you  to  smoke  in  their  bed-rooms ; 
their  silly  little  noses  scent  out  the  odour  upon  the 
chintz,  weeks  after  you  have  left  them.  Sir  John  has 
been  caught  coming  to  bed  particularly  merry  and  redo 
lent  of  cigar  smoke.  Young  George,  from  Eton,  was 
absolutely  found  in  the  little  green-house  puffing  an 
Havanna;  and  when  discovered,  they  both  lay  the 


14  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

blame  upon  Fitz-Boodle.  "  It  was  Mr.  Fitz-Boodle, 
mamma,"  says  George,  "  who  offered  me  the  cigar,  and 
I  did  not  like  to  refuse  him."  "  That  rascal  Fitz  seduced 
us,  rny  dear,"  says  Sir  John,  "  and  kept  us  laughing 
until  past  midnight."  Her  ladyship  instantly  sets  me 
down  as  a  person  to  be  avoided.  'k  George,"  whispers 
she  to  her  boy,  "  promise  me,  on  your  honour,  when 
you  go  to  town,  not  to  know  that  man."  And  when 
she  enters  the  breakfast  room  for  prayers,  the  first 
greeting  is  a  peculiar  expression  of  countenance  and 
inhaling  of  breath,  by  which  my  lady  indicates  the 
presence  of  some  exceedingly  disagreeable  odour  in  the 
room.  She  makes  you  the  faintest  of  courtesys,  and 
regards  you,  if  not  with  a  "  flashing  eye,"  as  in  the 
novels,  at  least  with  a  "  distended  nostril."  During  the 
whole  of  the  service,  her  heart  is  filled  with  the  black 
est  gall  towards  you ;  and  she  is  thinking  about  the 
best  means  of  getting  you  out  of  the  house. 

What  is  this  smoking  that  it  should  be  considered  a 
crime  ?  I  believe  in  my  heart  that  women  are  jealous 
of  it,  as  of  a  rival.  They  speak  of  it  as  of  some  secret, 
awful  vice  that  seizes  upon  a  man,  and  makes  him  a 
Pariah  from  genteel  society.  I  would  lay  a  guinea 
that  many  a  lady  who  has  just*l>een  kind  enough  to 
read  the  above  lines  lays  down  the  book,  after  this  con 
fession  of  mine  that  I  am  a  smoker,  and  says,  "  Oh,  the 
vulgar  wretch  !"  and  passes  on  to  something  else. 

The  fact  is,  that  the  cigar  is  a  rival  to  the  ladies,  and 
their  conqueror,  too.  In  the  chief  pipe-smoking  nations 
they  are  kept  in  subjection.  While  the  chief,  Little 
White  Belt,  smokes^  the  women  are  silent  in  his  wig 
wam  ;  while  Mahomet  Ben  Jawbrakine  causes  volumes 


FITZ-BOODLE  8    CONFESSIONS.  15 

of  odorous  incense  of  Latakia  to  play  round  his  beard, 
the  women  of  the  harem  do  not  disturb  his  meditations, 
but  only  add  to  the  delight  of  them  by  tinkling  on  a 
dulcimer  and  dancing  before  him.  When  Professor 
Strumpff,  of  Gottingen,  takes  down  No.  13  from  the 
wall,  with  a  picture  of  Beatrice  Cenci  upon  it,  and  which 
holds  a  pound  of  canaster,  the  Fran  Professorin  knows 
that  for  two  hours  Hermann  is  engaged,  and  takes  up 
her  stockings,  and  knits  in  quiet.  The  constitution  of 
French  society  has  been  quite  changed  within  the  last 
twelve  years;  an  ancient  and  respectable  dynasty  has 
been  overthrown  ;  an  aristocracy  which  Napoleon  could 
never  master  has  disappeared :  and  from  what  cause  ? 
I  do  not  hesitate  to  say,— from  the  habit  of  smoking. 
Ask  any  man  whether,  five  years  before  the  revolution 
of  July,  if  you  wanted  a  cigar  at  Paris,  they  did  not 
bring  you  a  roll  of  tobacco  with  a  straw  in  it  ?  Now, 
the  whole  city  smokes  ;  society  is  changed  ;  and  be  sure 
of  this,  ladies,  a  similar  combat  is  going  on  in  this  coun 
try  at  present  between  cigar-smoking  and  you.  Do 
you  suppose  you  will  conquer  ?  Look  over  the  wide 
world,  and  see  that  your  adversary  has  overcome  it. 
Germany  has  been  puffing  for  threescore  years ; 
France  smokes  to  a  man.  Do  you  think  you  can  keep 
the  enemy  out  of  England  ?  Pshaw  !  look  at  his  pro 
gress.  Ask  the  club-houses,  Have  they  smoking  rooms, 
or  not  ?  Are  they  not  obliged  to  yield  to  the  general 
want  of  the  age,  in  spite  of  the  resistance  of  the  old 
women  on  the  committees?  I,  for  my  part,  do  not 
despair  to  see  a  bishop  lolling  out  of  the  Athenaeum 
with  a  cheroot  in  his  mouth,  or,  at  any  rate,  a  pipe 
Btuck  in  his  shovel-hat 


16  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


But  as  in  all  great  causes  and  in  promulgating  of  new 
and  illustrious  theories,  their  first  propounders  and  expo 
nents  are  generally  the  victims  of  their  enthusiasm,  of 
course  the  first  preachers  of  smoking  have  been  martyrs 
too  ;  and  George  Fitz-Boodle  is  one.  The  first  gasman 
was  ruined ;  the  inventor  of  steam-engine  printing 
became  a  pauper.  I  began  to  smoke  in  days  when  the 
task  was  one  of  some  danger,  and  paid  the  penalty  of 
my  crime.  I  was  flogged  most  fiercely  for  my  first 
cigar ;  for  being  asked  to  dine  one  Sunday  evening 
with  a  half-pay  colonel  of  dragoons  (the  gallant,  simple, 
humorous  Shortcut — Heaven  bless  him  ! — I  have  had 
many  a  guinea  from  him  who  had  so  few),  he  insisted 
upon  my  smoking  in  his  room  at  the  Salopian,  and  the 
consequence  was,  that  I  became  so  violently  ill  as  to 
be  reported  intoxicated  upon  my  return  to  Slaughter 
house  School,  where  I  was  a  boarder,  and  I  was  whip 
ped  the  next  morning  for  my  peccadillo.  At  Christ 
Church,  one  of  our  tutors  was  the  celebrated  lamented 
Otto  Rose,  who  would  have  been  a  bishop  under  the 
present  government,  had  not  an  immoderate  indulgence 
in  water-gruel  cut  short  his  elegant  and  useful  career. 
He  was  a  good  man,  a  pretty  scholar  and  poet  (the 
episode  upon  the  discovery  of  eau  de  Cologne,  in  his 
prize-poem  on  "  The  Rhine,"  was  considered  a  master 
piece  of  art,  though  I  am  not  much  of  a  judge  myself 
upon  such  matters),  and  he  was  as  remarkable  for  his 
fondness  for  a  tuft  as  for  his  nervous  antipathy  to 
tobacco.  As  ill-luck  would  have  it,  my  rooms  (in  Tom 
Quad)  were  exactly  under  his  ;  and  I  was  grown  by 
this  time  to  be  a  confirmed  smoker.  I  was  a  baronet's 
con  (we  are  of  James's  first  creation),  and  I  do  believe 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  17 

our  tutor  could  have  pardoned  any  crime  in  tlie  -world 
but  this.  He  had  seen  me  in  a  tandem,  and  at  that 
moment  was  seized  with  a  violent  fit  of  sneezing 
sternutatory  paroxysm,  he  called  it),  at  the  conclusion 
of  which  I  was  a  mile  down  the  Woodstock  Road.  He 
had  seen  me  in  pink,  as  we  used  to  call  it,  swaggering 
in  the  open  sunshine  across  a  grass-plat  in  the  court ; 
but  spied  out  opportunely  a  servitor,  one  Todhunter  by 
name,  who  was  going  to  morning  chapel  with  his  shoe 
string  untied,  and  forthwith  sprung  towards  that 
unfortunate  person,  to  set  him  an  imposition.  Every 
thing,  in  feet,  but  tobacco  he  could  forgive.  Why  did 
cursed  fortune  bring  him  into  the  rooms  over  mine? 
The  odour  of  the  cigars  made  his  gentle  spirit  quite 
furious  ;  and  one  luckless  morning,  when  I  was  stand 
ing  before  my  "  oak,"  and  chanced  to  puff  a  great 
bouffce  of  Varinas  into  his  face,  he  forgot  his  respect  for 
my  family  altogether  (I  was  the  second  son,  and  my 
brother  a  Bie&ly  creature  then, — he  is  now  sixteen  stone 
in  weight,  and  has  a  half-score  of  children)  ;  gave  me  a 
severe  lecture,  to  which  I  replied  rather  hotly,  as  was 
my  wont.  And  then  cainc  demand  for  an  apology  ; 
refusal  on  my  part ;  appeal  to  the  dean  ;  convocation ; 
and  rustication  of  George  Edward  Fitz-Boodle. 

My  father  had  taken  a  second  wife  (of  the  noble 
house  of  Flintskinner),  and  Lady  Fitz-Boodle  detested 
smoking,  as  a  woman  of  her  high  principles  should. 
She  had  an  entire  mastery  over  the  worthy  old  gentle 
man,  and  thought  I  was  a  sort  of  demon  of  wickedness. 
The  old  man  .went  to  his  grave  with  some  similar 
notion, — Heaven  help  him !  and  left  me  but  the 


18  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

wretched  twelve  thousand  pounds  secured  to  me  on  my 
poor  mother's  property. 

In  the  army,  my  luck  was  much  the  same.  I  joined 

the tli  lancers,  Lieut.-Col.  Lord  Martingale,  in 

the  year  181*7.  I  only  did  duty  with  the  regiment  for 
three  months.  We  were  quartered  at  Cork,  where  I 
found  the  Irish  doodheen  and  tobacco  the  pleasantest 
smoking  possible  ;  and  was  found  by  his  lordship  one 
day  upon  stable  duty,  smoking  the  shortest,  dearest, 
little,  dumpy  clay-pipe  in  the  world. 

"  Cornet  Fitz-Boodle,"  said  my  lord,  in  a  towering 
passion,  "  from  what  blackguard  did  you  get  that  pipe  ?" 

I  omit  the  oaths  which  garnished  invariably  his 
lordship's  conversation. 

"  I  got  it,  my  lord,"  said  I,  "  from  one  Terence  Mul- 
lins,  a  jingle-driver,  with  a  packet  of  his  peculiar  tobac 
co.  You  sometimes  smoke  Turkish,  I  believe ;  do  try 
this.  Isn't  it  good  ?"  And  in  the  simplest  way  in  the 
world  I  puffed  a  volume  into  his  face.  "  I  see  you  like 
it,"  said  I,  so  coolly,  that  the  men,  and  I  do  believe  the 
horses,  burst  out  laughing. 

He  started  back — choking  almost,  and  recovered 
himself  only  to  vent  such  a  storm  of  oaths  and  curses, 
that  I  was  compelled  to  request  Capt.  Rawdon  (the 
captain  on  duty)  to  take  note  of  his  lordship's  words ; 
and  unluckily  could  not  help  adding  a  question  which 
settled  my  business.  "  You  were  good  enough,"  I  said, 
"  to  ask  me,  my  lord,  from  what  blackguard  I  got  my 
pipe  ;  might  I  ask  from  what  blackguard  you  learned 
your  language  3" 

This  was  quite  enough.     Had  I  said  "from  what 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  19 

gentleman  did  your  lordship  learn  your  language?" 
the  point  would  have  been  quite  as  good,  and  my  lord 
Martingale  would  have  suffered  in  my  place  :  as  it  was, 
I  was  so  strongly  recommended  to  sell  out  by  his  Royal 
Highness  the  Commander-in-chief,  that  being  of  a  good- 
natured  disposition,  never  knowing  how  to  refuse  a 
friend,  I  at  once  threw  up  my  hopes  of  military  distinc 
tion,  and  retired  into  civil  life. 

My  lord  was  kind  enough  to  meet  me  afterwards,  in 
a  field  in  the  Glaumire  Road,  where  he  put  a  ball  into 
my  leg.  This  I  returned  to  him  some  years  later  with 
about  twenty-three  others — black  ones — when  he  came 
to  be  balloted  for  at  a  club  of  which  I  have  the  honour 
to  be  a  member. 

Thus  by  the  indulgence  of  a  simple  and  harmless 
propensity, — of  a  propensity  which  can  inflict  an  injury 
upon  no  person  or  thing  except  the  coat  and  the  person 
of  him  who  indulges  in  it, — of  a  custom  honoured  and 
observed  in  almost  all  the  nations  of  the  world, — of  a 
custom  which  far  from  leading  a  man  into  any  wicked 
ness  or  dissipation  to  which  youth  is  subject,  but,  on  the 
contrary,  begets  only  benevolent  silence  and  thoughtful 
good-humoured  observation,  I  found  at  the  age  of 
twenty  all  my  prospects  in  life  destroyed.  I  cared  not 
for  woman  in  those  days  ;  the  calm  smoker  has  a  sweet 
companion  in  his  pipe  :  I  did  not  drink  immoderately 
of  wine ;  for  though  a  friend  to  trifling  potations,  to 
excessively  strong  drinks  tobacco  is  abhorrent ;  I  never 
thought  of  gambling,  for  the  lover  of  the  pipe  has  no 
need  of  such  excitement ;  but  I  was  considered  a  mon 
ster  of  dissipation  in  my  family,  and  bade  fair  to  come 
to  ruin. 


20  FITZ-EOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

"  Look  at  George,"  my  mother-in-law  said  to  the 
genteel  and  correct  young  Flintskinners  ;  "  he  entered 
the  world  with  every  prospect  in  life,  and  see  in  what 
an  abyss  of  degradation  his  fatal  habits  have  plunged 
him !  At  school  he  was  flogged  and  disgraced,  he  was 
disgraced  and  rusticated  at  the  university,  he  was  dis 
graced  and  expelled  from  the  army.  He  might  have 
had  the  living  of  Boodle  (her  ladyship  gave  it  to  one 
of  her  nephews),  but  he  would  not  take  his  degree  ;  his 
papa  would  have  purchased  him  a  troop — nay,  a  lieu 
tenant-colonelcy  some  day,  but  for  his  fatal  excesses. 
And  now  as  long  as  my  dear  husband  will  listen  to  the 
voice  of  a  wife  who  adores  him — never,  never  shall  he 
spend  a  shilling  upon  so  worthless  a  young  man.  He 
has  a  small  income  from  his  mother  (I  cannot  but 
think  that  the  first  Lady  Fitz-Boodle  was  a  weak  and 
misguided  person)  ;  let  him  live  upon  his  mean  pittance 
as  he  can,  and  I  heartily  pray  we  may  not  hear  of  him 
in  gaol !" 

My  brother,  after  he  came  to  the  estate,  married  the 
ninth  daughter  of  OUT  neighbour,  Sir  John  Spreadeagle  ; 
and  Boodle  Hall  has  seen  a  new  little  Fitz-Boodle  with 
every  succeeding  spring.  The  dowager  retired  to  Scotland 
with  a  large  jointure  and  a  wondrous  heap  of  savings. 
Lady  Fitz  is  a  good  creature,  but  she  thinks  me  some 
thing  diabolical,  trembles  when  she  sees  me,  and  gathers 
all  her  children  about  her,  rushes  into  the  nursery  when 
ever  I  pay  that  little  seminary  a  visit,  and  actually 
slapped  poor  little  Frank's  ears  one  day  when  I  was 
teaching  him  to  ride  upon  the  back  of  a  Newfoundland 
dog. 

"  George,"  said  my  brother  to  me  the  last  time  I  paid 


21 

him  a  visit  to  the  old  hall,  "  don't  be  angry,  my  dear 
fellow,  but  Maria  is  in  a — hum — in  a  delicate  situation, 
expecting  her  —  hum  —  (the  eleventh)  —  and  do  you 
know  you  frighten  her  ?  It  was  but  yesterday  you  met 
her  in  the  Rookery,  you  were  smoking  that  enormous 
German  pipe,  and  when  she  came  in  she  had  an  hys 
terical  seizure,  and  Drench  says  that  in  her  situation  it's 
dangerous  ;  and  I  say,  George,  if  you  go  to  town  you'll 
find  a  couple  of  hundred  at  your  banker's  ;"  and  with 
this  the  poor  fellow  shook  me  by  the  hand,  and  called 
for  a  fresh  bottle  of  claret. 

Since  then  he  told  me,  with  many  hesitations,  that 
my  room  at  Boodle  Hall  had  been  made  into  a  second 
nursery.  I  see  my  sister-in-law  in  London  twice  or 
thrice  in  the  season,  and  the  little  people,  who  have 
almost  forgotten  to  call  me  Uncle  George. 

It's  hard,  too,  for  I  am  a  lonely  man,  after  all,  and 
my  heart  yearns  to  them.  The  other  day  I  smuggled 
a  couple  of  them  into  my  chambers,  and  had  a  little 
feast  of  cream  and  strawberries  to  welcome  them.  But 
it  had  like  to  have  cost  the  nurserymaid  (a  Swiss  girl 
that  Fitz-Boodle  hired  somewhere  in  his  travels)  her 
place.  My  step-mamma,  who  happened  to  be  in  town, 
came  flying  down  in  her  chariot,  pounced  upon  the 
poor  thing  and  the  children  in  the  midst  of  the  enter 
tainment  ;  and  when  I  asked  her,  with  rather  a  bad 
grace  to  be  sure,  to  take  a  chair  and  a  share  of  the 
feast, — 

"  Mr.  Fitz-Boodle,"  said  she,  "  I  am  not  accustomed 
to  sit  down  in  a  place  that  smells  of  tobacco  like  an 
ale-house — an  ale-house  inhabited  by  a  serpent,  sir  !  A 
serpent !  do  you  understand  me  ?  who  carries  his  poi- 


22  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

son  into  his  brother's  own  house,  and  purshues  his 
eenfamous  designs  before  his  brother's  own  children. 
Put  on  Miss  Maria's  bonnet  this  instant.  Mamsell, 
ontondy-voo  •?  Mttty  le  bonny  a  mamsell ;  and  I  shall 
take  care,  mamsell,  that  you  return  to  Switzerland  to 
morrow.  I've  no  doubt  you  are  a  relation  of  Courvoi- 
sier  :  oui,  oui,  Courvoisier  ;  vous  comprenny  ?  and  you 
shall  certainly  be  sent  back  to  your  friends." 

With  this  speech,  and  with  the  children  and  their 
maid  sobbing  before  her,  my  lady  retired  ;  but  for  once 
my  sister-in-law  was  on  my  side,  not  liking  the  meddle- 
rnent  of  the  elder  lady. 

I  know,  then,  that  from  indulging  in  that  simple 
habit  of  smoking,  I  have  gained  among  the  ladies  a 
dreadful  reputation.  I  see  that  they  look  coolly  upon 
me,  and  darkly  at  their  husbands  when  they  arrive  at 
home  in  my  company.  Men,  I  observe,  in  consequence, 
ask  me  to  dine  much  oftener  at  the  club,  or  the  Star 
and  Garter  at  Richmond,  or  at  Lovegrove's,  than  in 
their  own  houses  ;  and  with  this  sort  of  arrangement  I 
am  fain  to  acquiesce  ;  for,  as  I  said  before,  I  am  of  an 
easy  temper,  and  can  at  any  rate  take  my  cigar-case  out 
after  dinner  at  Blackwall,  when  my  lady  or  the  duchess 
are  not  by.  I  know,  of  course,  the  best  men  in  town  ; 
and  as  for  ladies'  society,  not  having  it  (for  I  will  have 
none  of  your  pseudo-ladies,  such  as  sometimes  honour 
bachelors'  parties, — actresses,  couturieres,  opera-dancers, 
and  so  forth) — as  for  ladies'  society,  I  say,  I  cry  pish  ! 
't  is  not  worth  the  trouble  of  the  complimenting,  and 
the  bother  of  pumps  and  black  silk  stockings. 

Let  any  man  remember  what  ladies'  society  was  when 
he  had  an  opportunity  of  seeing  them  among  them- 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  23 

selves,  as  What-d'ye-call'em  does  in  Tliesmophoriazu — 
(I  beg  pardon,  I  was  on  the  verge  of  a  classical  allu 
sion,  which  I  abominate) — I  mean  at  that  period  of 
his  life  when  the  intellect  is  pretty  acute,  though  the 
body  is  small — namely,  when  a  young  gentleman  is 
about  eleven  years  of  age,  dining  at  his  father's  table 
during  the  holydays,  and  is  requested  by  his  papa  to 
quit  the  dinner-table  when  the  ladies  retire  from  it. 

Corbleu  !  I  recollect  their  whole  talk  as  well  as  if  it 
had  been  whispered  but  yesterday  ;  and  can  see,  after 
a  long  dinner,  the  yellow  summer  sun  throwing  long 
shadows  over  the  lawn  before  the  dining-room  windows, 
my  poor  mother  and  her  company  of  ladies,  sailing 
away  to  the  music-room  in  old  Boodle  Hall.  The 
Countess  Dawdley  was  the  great  Lady  in  our  county, — 
a  portly  lady  who  used  to  love  crimson  satin  in  those 
days,  and  birds  of  paradise.  She  was  flaxen-haired, 
and  tho  Regent  once  said  she  resembled  one  of  King 
Charles's  beauties. 

When  Sir  John  Todcaster  used  to  begin  his  famous 
story  of  the  exciseman  (I  shall  not  tell  it  here,  for  very 
good  reasons),  my  poor  mother  used  to  turn  to  Lady 
Dawdley,  and  give  that  mystic  signal  at  which  all  females 
rise  from  their  chairs.  Tufthtmt  the  curate  would  spring 
from  his  seat,  and  be  sure  to  be  the  first  to  open  the 
door  for  the  retreating  ladies ;  and  my  brother  Tom 
and  I,  though  remaining  stoutly  in  our  places,  were 
speedily  ejected  from  them  by  the  governor's  invariable 
remark,  "  Torn  and  George,  if  you  have  had  quite 
enough  of  wine,  you  had  better  go  and  join  your 
mamma."  Yonder  she  marches,  Heaven  bless  her ! 
through  the  old  oak  hall  (how  long  the  shadows  of  the 


24  FITZ-EOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


antlers  are  on  the  wainscot,  and  the  armour  of  Rollo 
Fitz-Boodle  looks  in  the  sunset  as  if  it  were  emblazoned 
with  rubies) — yonder  she  inarches,  stately  and  tall  in 
her  invariable  pearl-coloured  tabinet.  followed  by  Lady 
Dawdley,  blazing  like  a  flamingo  ;  next  comes  Lady 
Emily  Tufthunt  (she  was  Lady  Emily  Skinflinter),  who 
will  not  for  all  the  world  take  precedence  of  rich, 
vulgar,  kind,  good-humoured  Mrs.  Colonel  Grogwater, 
as  she  would  be  called,  with  a  yellow  little  husband 
from  Madras,  who  first  taught  me  to  drink  sangaree. 
He  was  a  new  arrival  in  our  county,  but  paid  nobly  to 
the  hounds,  and  occupied  hospitably  a  house  which  was 
always  famous  for  its  hospitality — Sievely  Hall  (poor 
Bob  Cullender  ran  through  seven  thousand  a-year 
before  he  was  thirty  years  old).  Once  when  I  was  a 
lad,  Colonel  Grogwater  gave  me  two  gold  mohurs  out 
of  his  desk  for  whist-markers,  and  I'm  sorry  to  say  I 
ran  up  from  Eton  and  sold  them  both  for  seventy-three 
shillings  at  a  shop  in  Cornhill.  But  to  return  to  the 
ladies  who  are  all  this  while  kept  waiting  in  the  hall, 
and  to  their  usual  conversation  after  dinner. 

Can  any  man  forget  how  miserably  flat  it  was  ?  Five 
matrons  sit  on  sofas  and  talk  in  a  subdued  voice  : — 

First  lady  (mysteriously).  "  My  dear  Lady  Dawdley, 
do  tell  me  about  poor  Susan  Tuckett." 

Second  lady.  "  All  three  children  are  perfectly  well, 
and  I  assure  you  as  fine  babies  as  I  ever  saw  in  my  life. 
I  made  her  give  them  Dafty's  Elixir  the  first  day  ;  and 
it  was  the  greatest  mercy  that  I  had  some  of  Frederick's 
baby-clothes  by  me ;  for  you  know  I  had  provided 
Susan  with  sets  for  one  only,  and  really " 

Thvrd  lady.     "  Of  course  one  couldn't ;  and  for  my 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  25 

part  I  think  your  ladyship  is  a  great  deal  too  kind  to 
these  people.  A  little  gardener's  boy  dressed  in  Lord 
Dawdley's  frocks,  indeed  !  I  recollect  that  one  at  his 
christening  had  the  sweetest  lace  in  the  world  !" 

£> 

Fourth  lady.  "  What  do  you  think  of  this,  ma'am — 
Lady  Emily,  I  mean  ?  I  have  just  had  it  from  Howell 
and  James  :— gipure,  they  call  it.  Isn't  it  an  odd  name 
for  lace  ?  And  they  charge  me  upon  my  conscience, 
four  guineas  a  yard  !" 

Third  lady.  "  My  mother,  when  she  came  to  Skin- 
flinter,  had  lace  upon  her  robe  that  cost  sixty  guineas  a 
yard,  ma'am  !  'T  was  sent  from  Malines  direct  by  our 
relation,  the  Count  d'Araignay." 

Fourth  Lady  (aside).  "  I  thought  she  would  not 
let  the  evening  pass  without  talking  of  her  Malines  lace 
and  her  Count  d'Araignay.  Odious  people  !  they  don't 
spare  their  backs,  but  they  pinch  their " 

Here  Toin  upsets  a  coffee-cup  over  his  white  jean 
trousers,  and  another  young  gentleman  bursts  into  a 
laugh,  saying,  **  By  Jove,  that's  a  good  'un  !" 

"  George,  my  dear,"  says  mamma,  "  had  not  you  and 
your  young  friend  better  go  into  the  garden  ?  But 
mind,  no  fruit,  or  Dr.  Glauber  must  be  called  in  again 
immediately  I"  and  we  all  go,  and  in  ten  minutes  I  and 
my  brother  are  fighting  in  the  stables. 

If  instead  of  listening  to  the  matrons  and  their  dis 
course,  we  had  taken  the  opportunity  of  attending  to 
the  conversation  of  the  misses,  we  should  have  heard 
matter  not  a  whit  more  interesting. 

First  Miss.  "They  were  all  three  in  blue  crape; 
you  never  saw  any  thing  so  odious.  And  I  know  for  a 
certainty  that  they  wore  those  dresses  at  Guttlebury  at 
2 


26  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

the  archery-ball,  and  I  daresay  they  had  them  in 
town." 

Second  Miss.  "  Don't  you  think  Jemima  decidedly 
crooked  ?  And  those  fair  complexions  they  freckle 
so,  that  really  Miss  Blanch  ought  to  be  called  Miss 
Brown." 

Third  Miss.     «  He,  he,  he !" 

Fourth  Miss.  "  Don't  you  think  Blanch  is  a  pretty 
name  ?" 

First  Miss.  "La!  do  you  think  so,  dear?  Why, 
it's  my  second  name  !" 

Second  Miss.  "Then  I'm  sure  Captain  Travers 
thinks  it  a  beautiful  name  !" 

Third  Miss.     "  He,  he,  he  !" 

Fourth  Miss.  "  What  was  he  telling  you  at  dinner 
that  seemed  to  interest  you  so  ?" 

First  Miss.  "  O  law,  nothing ! — that  is,  yes ! 
Charles — that  is,  Captain  Travers,  is  a  sweet  poet,  and 
was  reciting  to  me  some  lines  that  he  had  composed 
upon  a  faded  violet : — 

'The  odour  from  the  flower  is  gone, 
That  like  thy ' 

like  thy  something,  I  forget  what  it  was  ;  but  his  lines 
are  sweet,  and  so  original  too !  I  wish  that  horrid  Sir 
John  Todhunter  had  not  begun  his  story  of  the  excise 
man,  for  Lady  Fitz-Boodle  always  quits  the  table  when 
he  begins." 

Third  Miss.  "  Do  you  like  those  tufts  that  gentle 
men  wear  sometimes  on  their  chins  I" 

Second  Miss.     "  Nonsense,  Mary  !" 

Third  Miss.     "  Well,  I  only  asked,  Jane.     Frank 


27 

thinks,  you  know,  that  he  shall  very  soon  have  one, 
and  puts  bear's-grease  on  his  chin  every  night." 

Second  Miss.     "  Mary,  nonsense  !" 

Third  Miss.  "  Well,  only  ask  him.  You  know  he 
came  to  our  dressing-room  last  night  and  took  the 
pomatum  away ;  and  he  says  that  when  boys  go  to 
Oxford  they  always " 

First  Miss.  "  Oh,  heavens !  have  you  heard  the 
news  about  the  Lancers?  Charles — that  is,  Captain 
Travers,  told  it  me  !" 

Second  Miss.  "  Law !  they  won't  go  away  before 
the  ball,  I  hope  !" 

First  Miss.  "No,  but  on  the  15th  they  are  to 
shave  their  mustachios !  He  says  that  Lord  Tufto  is  in 
a  perfect  fury  about  it !" 

Second  Miss.  "  And  poor  George  Beardmore,  too  !" 
&c. 

Here  Tom  upsets  the  coffee  over  his  trousers,  and 
the  conversations  end.  I  can  recollect  a  dozen  such,  and 
ask  any  man  of  sense  whether  such  talk  amuses  him  ? 

Try  again  to  speak  to  a  young  lady  while  you  are 
dancing- — what  we  call  in  this  country — a  quadrille. 
What  nonsense  do  you  invariably  give  and  receive  in 
return  !  No,  I  am  a  woman-scorner,  and  don't  care  to 
own  it.  I  hate  young  ladies !  Have  I  not  been  in 
love  with  several,  and  has  any  one  of  them  ever  treated 
me  decently  ?  I  hate  married  women  !  Do  they  not 
hate  me  ?  and,  simply  because  I  smoke,  try  to  draw  their 
husbands  away  from  my  society  ?  I  hate  dowagers  !  Have 
I  not  cause  ?  Does  not  every  dowager  in  London  point 
to  George  Fitz-Boodle  as  to  a  dissolute  wretch  whom 
young  and  old  should  avoid  ? 


28  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

And  yet  do  not  imagine  that  I  have  not  loved.  I 
have,  and  madly,  many,  many  times !  I  am  but  eight- 
and-thirty,*  not  past  the  age  of  passion,  and  may  very 
likely  end  by  running  off  with  an  heiress — or  a  cook- 
maid  (for  who  knows  what  strange  freaks  Love  may 
choose  to  play  in  his  own  particular  person  ?  and  I 
hold  a  man  to  be  a  mean  creature  who  calculates  about 
checking  any  such  sacred  impulse  as  lawful  love) — I 
say,  though  despising  the  sex  in  general  for  their  con 
duct  to  me,  I  know  of  particular  persons  belonging  to 
it  who  are  worthy  of  all  respect  and  esteem,  and  as 
such  I  beg  leave  to  point  out  the  particular  young  lady 
who  is  perusing  these  lines.  Do  not,  dear  madam,  then 
imagine  that  if  I  knew  you,  I  should  be  disposed  to 
sneer  at  you.  Ah,  no !  Fitz-Boodle's  bosom  has  ten 
derer  sentiments  than  from  his  way  of  life  you  would 
fancy,  and  stern  by  rule  is  only  too  soft  by  practice. 
Shall  I  whisper  to  you  the  story  of  one  or  two  of  my 
attachments  ?  All  terminating  fatally  (not  in  death, 
but  in  disappointment,  which,  as  it  occurred,  I  used  to 
imagine  a  thousand  times  more  bitter  than  death,  but 
from  which  one  recovers  somehow  more  readily  than 
from  the  other-named  complaint) — all,  I  say,  terminat 
ing  wretchedly  to  myself,  as  if  some  fatality  pursued 
my  desire  to  become  a  domestic  character. 

My  first  love — no,  let  us  pass  that  over.  Sweet  one  ! 
thy  name  shall  profane  no  hireling  page.  Sweet,  sweet 
memory !  Ah,  ladies ;  those  delicate  hearts  of  yours 
have  too  felt  the  throb ; — and  between  that  last  ob  in 
the  word  throb  and  the  words  now  written,  I  have 

*  He  is  five-and-forty  if  he  is  a  day  old  —  O.  Y. 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  29 

passed  a  delicious  period  of  perhaps  an  hour,  perhaps  a 
minute,  I  know  not  how  long,  thinking  of  that  holy 
first  love  and  of  her  who  inspired  it.  How  clearly 
every  single  incident  of  the  passion  is  remembered  by 
me !  and  yet  'twas  long,  long  since ;  I  was  but  a  child 
then — a  child  at  school — and,  if  the  truth  must  be  told 
L — ra  R— ggl— s  (I  would  not  write  her  whole  name  to 
be  made  one  of  the  Marquess  of  Hertford's  executors) 
was  a  woman  full  thirteen  years  older  than  myself;  at 
the  period  of  which  I  write,  she  must  have  been  at  least 
five-and-twenty.  She  and  her  mother  used  to  sell  tarts, 
hard-bake,  lollipops,  and  other  such  simple  comestibles, 
on  Wednesdays  and  Saturdays  (half-holidays)  at  a  pri 
vate  school  where  I  received  the  first  rudiments  of  a 
classical  education.  I  used  to  go  and  sit  before  her 
tray  for  hours,  but  I  do  not  think  the  poor  girl  ever 
supposed  any  motive  led  me  so  constantly  to  her  little 
stall  beyond  a  vulgar  longing  for  her  tarts  and  her  gin 
ger-beer.  Yes,  even  at  that  early  period  my  actions  were 
misrepresented,  and  the  fatality  which  has  oppressed  my 
whole  life  began  to  show  itself, — the  purest  passion  was 
misinterpreted  by  her  and  my  schoolfellows,  and  they 
thought  I  was  actuated  by  simple  gluttony.  They 
nicknamed  me  Alicompayne. 

Well,  be  it  so.  Laugh  at  early  passion  ye  who  will ; 
a  high-born  boy  madly  in  love  with  a  lowly  ginger- 
beer  girl !  She  married  afterwards,  took  the  name  of 
Latter,  and  now  keeps  with  her  old  husband  a  turnpike, 
through  which  I  often  ride ;  but  I  can  recollect  her  bright 
and  rosy  of  a  sunny  summer  afternoon,  her  red  cheeks 
shaded  by  a  battered  straw  bonnet,  her  tarts  and  gin 
ger-beer  upon  a  neat  white  cloth  before  her,  mending 


30 

blue  worsted  stockings  until  the  young  gentlemen 
should  interrupt  her  by  corning  to  buy. 

Many  persons  will  call  this  description  low ;  I  do  not 
envy  them  their  gentility,  and  have  always  observed 
through  life  (as,  to  be  sure,  every  other  gentleman  lias 
observed  as  well  as  myself)  that  it  is  your  parvenu  who 
stickles  most  for  what  he  calls  the  genteel,  and  has  the 
most  squeamish  abhorrence  for  what  is  frank  and  natu 
ral.  Let  us  pass  at  once,, however,  as  all  the  world 
must  be  pleased,  to  a  recital  of  an  affair  which  occurred 
in  the  very  best  circles  of  society  as  they  are  called,  viz., 
my  next  unfortunate  attachment. 

It  did  not  occur  for  several  years  after  that  simple 
and  platonic  passion  just  described,  for  though  they 
may  talk  of  youth  as  the  season  of  romance,  it  has 
always  appeared  to  me  that  there  are  no  beings  in  the 
world  so  entirely  unromantic  and  selfish  as  certain 
young  English  gentlemen  from  the  age  of  fifteen  to 
twenty.  The  oldest  Lovelace  about  town  is  scarcely 
more  hard-hearted  and  scornful  than  they ;  they  ape 
all  sorts  of  selfishness  and  rouerie  j  they  aim  at  excel 
ling  at  cricket,  at  billiards,  at  rowing,  and  drinking,  and 
set  more  store  by  a  red  coat  and  a  neat  pair  of  top- 
boots  than  by  any  other  glory.  A  young  fellow  stag 
gers  into  college-chapel  of  a  morning,  and  communi 
cates  to  all  his  friends  that  he  was  "so  cut  last  night," 
with  the  greatest  possible  pride.  He  makes  a  joke  of 
having  sisters  and  a  kind  mother  at  home  who  loves 
him ;  and  if  he  speaks  of  his  father,  it  is  with  a  know 
ing  sneer  to  say  that  he  has  a  tailor's  and  a  horse-deal 
er's  bill  that  will  surprise  "the  old  governor."  He 
would  be  ashamed  of  being  in  love.  I,  in  common 


PITZ-B OODLES    CONFESSIONS.  81 

-with  my  kind,  had  these  affectations,  and  my  perpetual 
custom  of  smoking  added  not  a  little  to  my  reputation 
as  an  accomplished  roue.  What  came  of  this  custom 
in  the  army  and  at  college,  the  reader  has  already 
heard.  Alas !  in  life  it  went  no  better  with  me,  and 
many  pretty  chances  I  had  went  off  in  that  accursed 
smoke. 

After  quitting  the  army  in  the  abrupt  manner  stated, 
I  passed  some  short  time  at  home,  and  was  tolerated  by 
my  mother-in-law,  because  I  had  formed  an  attachment 
to  a  young  lady  of  good  connexions  and  with  a  consi 
derable  fortune,  which  was  really  very  nearly  becoming 
mine.  Mary  M'Alister  was  the  only  daughter  of  Colo 
nel  M'Alister,  late  of  the  Blues,  and  Lady  Susan  his 
wife.  Her  ladyship  was  no  more  ;  and,  indeed,  of  no 
family  compared  to  ours  (which  has  refused  a  peerage 
any  time  these  two  hundred  years),  but  being  an  earl's 
daughter  and  a  Scotch  woman,  Lady  Emily  Fitz-Boodle 
did  not  fail  to  consider  her  highly.  Lady  Susan  was 
daughter  of  the  late  Admiral  Earl  of  Marlingspike  and 
Baron  Plumduff.  The  colonel,  Miss  M'Alister's  father, 
had  a  good  estate,  of  which  his  daughter  was  the  heir 
ess,  and  as  I  fished  her  out  of  the  water  upon  a  plea 
sure-party,  and  swam  with  her  to  shore,  we  became 
naturally  intimate,  and  Colonel  M'Alister  forgot,  on 
account  of  the  service  rendered  to  him,  the  dreadful 
reputation  for  profligacy  which  I  enjoyed  in  the 
county. 

Well,  to  cut  a  long  story  short,  which  is  told  here 
merely  for  the  moral  at  the  end  of  it,  I  should  have 
been  Fitz-Boodle  M'Alister  at  this  minute  most  probably, 
and  master  of  four  thousand  a-year,  but  for  the  fatal 


32  FITZ-BO DOLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

cigar-box.  I  bear  Mary  no  malice  in  saying  that  she 
was  a  high-spirited  little  girl,  loving,  before  all  things, 
her  own  way  ;  nay,  perhaps,  do  not  from  long  habit  and 
indulgence  in  tobacco-smoking  appreciate  the  delicacy 
of  female  organisations  which  were  oftentimes  most 
painfully  affected  by  it.  She  was  a  keen-sighted  little 
person,  and  soon  found  that  the  world  had  belied  poor 
George  Fitz-Boodle,  who,  instead  of  being  the  cunning 
monster  people  supposed  him  to  be,  was  a  simple,  reck 
less,  good-humoured,  honest  fellow,  marvellously  ad 
dicted  to  smoking,  idleness,  and  telling  the  truth.  She 
called  me  Orson,  and  I  was  happy  enough  on  the  14th 
February,  in  the  year  18 —  (it's  of  no  consequence),  to 
send  her  such  a  pretty  little  copy  of  verses  about  Orson 
and  Valentine,  in  which  the  rude  habits  of  the  savage 
man  were  shown  to  be  overcome  by  the  polished  graces 
of  his  kind  and  brilliant  conqueror,  that  she  was  fairly 
overcome,  and  said  to  me,  "  George  Fitz-Boodle,  if  you 
give  up  smoking  for  a  year  I  will  marry  you." 

I  swore  I  would,  of  course,  and  went  home  and  flung 
four  pounds  of  Hudson's  cigars,  two  meerschaum  pipes 
that  had  cost  me  ten  guineas  at  the  establishment  of 
Mr.  Gattie  at  Oxford,  a  tobacco-bag  that  Lady  Fitz- 
Boodle  had  given  me  before  her  marriage  with  my  father 
(it  was  the  only  present  that  I  ever  had  from  her  or  any 
member  of  the  Skinflinter  family),  and  some  choice 
packets  of  Varinas  and  Syrian,  into  the  lake  in  Boodle 
Park.  The  weapon  amongst  them  all  which  I  most 
regretted  was — will  it  be  believed  ? — the  little  black 
doodheen  which  had  been  the  cause  of  the  quarrel 
between  Lord  Martingale  and  me.  However,  it  went 
along  with  the  others.  I  would  not  allow  my  groom 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  33 

to  have  so  much  as  a  cigar,  lest  I  should  be  tempted 
hereafter;  and  the  consequence  was  that  a  few  days 
after  many  fat  carps  and  tenches  in  the  lake  (I  must 
confess  'twas  no  bigger  than  a  pond)  nibbled  at  the 
tobacco,  and  came  floating  on  their  backs  on  the  top  of 
the  water  quite  intoxicated.  My  conversion  made  some 
noise  in  the  county,  being  emphasised  as  it  were  by  this 
fact  of  the  fish.  I  can't  tell  you  with  what  pangs  I 
kept  my  resolution ;  but  keep  it  I  did  for  some  time. 

With  so  much  beauty  and  wealth,  Mary  M;Alister 
had  of  course  many  suitors,  and  among  them  was  the 
young  Lord  Dawdley,  whose  mamma  has  previously 
been  described  in  her  gown  of  red  satin.  As  I  used  to 
thrash  Dawdley  at  school,  I  thrashed  him  in  after  life 
in  love,  and  he  put  up  with  his  disappointment  pretty 
well,  and  came  after  a  while  and  shook  hands  with  me, 
telling  me  of  the  bets  that  there  were  in  the  county  where 
the  whole  story  was  known,  for  and  against  me.  For 
the  fact  is,  as  I  must  own,  that  Mary  M'Alister,  the 
queerest,  frankest  of  women,  made  no  secret  of  the 
agreement,  or  the  cause  of  it. 

"I  did  not  care  a  penny  for  Orson,"  she  said,  "but 
he  would  go  on  writing  me  such  dear  pretty  verses  that 
at  last  I  couldn't  help  saying  yes.  But  if  he  breaks  his 
promise  to  me,  I  declare,  upon  my  honour,  I'll  break 
mine,  and  nobody's  heart  will  be  broken  either." 

This  was  the  perfect  fact,  as  I  must  confess,  and  I 
declare  that  it  was  only  because  she  amused  me  and 
delighted  me,  and  provoked  me  and  made  me  laugh 
very  much,  and  because,  no  doubt,  she  was  very  rich, 
that  I  had  any  attachment  for  her. 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  George,"  my  father  said  to  me, 
3* 


34  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

as  I  quitted  home  to  follow  my  beloved  to  London, 
u  remember  that  you  are  a  younger  brother  and  have  a 
lovely  girl  and  four  thousand  a-year  within  a  year's 
reach  of  you.  Smoke  as  much  as  you  like,  my  boy, 
after  marriage,"  added  the  old  gentleman,  knowingly 
(as  if  he,  honest  soul,  after  his  second  marriage,  dared 
drink  an  extra  pint  of  wine  without  my  lady's  permis 
sion  !)  "  but  eschew  the  tobacco-shops  till  then." 

I  went  to  London  resolving  to  act  upon  the  paternal 
advice,  and  oh  !  how  I  longed  for  the  day  when  I  should 
be  married,  vowing  in  my  secret  soul  that  I  would  light 
a  cigar  as  I  walked  out  of  St.  George's  Hanover 
Square. 

Well,  I  came  to  London,  and  so  carefully  avoided 
smoking  that  I  would  not  even  go  into  Hudson's  shop 
to  pay  his  bill,  and  as  smoking  was  not  the  fashion  then 
among  young  men  as  (thank  Heaven  !)  it  is  now,  I  had 
not  many  temptations  from  my  friends'  examples  in  my 
clubs  or  elsewhere  ;  only  little  Dawdley  began  to  smoke 
as  if  to  spite  me.  He  had  never  done  so  before,  but 
confessed — the  rascal ! — that  he  enjoyed  a  cigar  now, 
if  it  were  but  to  mortify  me.  But  I  took  to  other  and 
more  dangerous  excitements,  and  upon  the  nights  when 
not  in  attendance  upon  Mary  M'Alister,  might  be  found 
in  very  dangerous  proximity  to  a  polished  mahogany 
table,  round  which  claret-bottles  circulated  a  great  deal 
too  often,  or,  worse  still,  to  a  table  covered  with  green 
cloth  and  ornamented  with  a  couple  of  wax-candles  and 
a  couple  of  packs  of  cards,  and  four  gentlemen  playing 
the  enticing  game  of  whist.  Likewise,  I  came  to  carry 
a  snuff-box,  and  to  consume  in  secret  huge  quantities  of 
rappee. 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  35 

For  ladies'  society  I  was  even  then  disinclined,  hating 
and  despising  small-talk,  and  dancing,  and  hot  routs, 
aud  vulgar  scrambles  for  suppers.  I  never  could  un 
derstand  the  pleasure  of  acting  the  part  of  lackey  to  a 
dowager,  and  standing  behind  her  chair,  or  bustling 
through  the  crowd  for  her  carriage.  I  always  found  an 
opera  too  long  by  two  acts,  and  have  repeatedly  fallen 
asleep  in  the  presence  of  Mary  M'Alister  herself,  sitting 
at  the  back  of  the  box  shaded  by  the  huge  beret  of  her 
old  aunt,  Lady  Betty  Plumduff;  and  many  a  time  has 
Dawdley,  with  Miss  M'Alister  on  his  arm,  wakened  me 
up  at  the  close  of  the  entertainment  in  time  to  offer  my 
band  to  Lady  Betty,  and  lead  the  ladies  to  their  car 
riage.  If  I  attended  her  occasionally  to  any  ball  or 
party  of  pleasure,  I  went,  it  must  be  confessed,  with 
clumsy,  ill-clisguised,  ill-humour.  Good  Heavens  !  have 
I  often  and  often  thought  in  the  midst  of  a  son.g,  or  the 
very  thick  of  a  ball-room,  can  people  prefer  this  to  a 
book  and  a  sofa,  and  a  dear,  dear  cigar-box,  from  thy 
stores,  O  charming  Mariana  Woodville  !  Deprived  of 
my  favourite  plant,  I  grew  sick  in  mind  and  body, 
moody,  sarcastic,  and  discontented. 

Such  a  state  of  things  could  not  long  continue,  nor 
could  Miss  M'Alister  continue  to  have  much  attachment 
for  such  a  sullen,  ill-conditioned  creature  as  I  then  was. 
She  used  to  make  me  wild  with  her  wit  and  her  sar 
casm,  nor  have  I  ever  possessed  the  readiness  to  parry 
or  reply  to  those  fine  points  of  woman's  wit,  and  she 
treated  me  the  more  mercilessly  as  she  saw  that  I  could 
not  resist  her. 

Well ;  the  polite  reader  must  remember  a  great  fete 
that  was  given  at  B —  -  House,  some  years  back,  in 


36  FITZ-BOODLB  S    CONFESSIONS. 

honour  of  his  Highness  the  Hereditary  Prince  of  Kalbs- 
braten-Pumpernickel,  who  was  then  in  London  on  a 
visit  to  his  illustrious  relatives.  It  was  a  fancy  ball, 
and  the  poems  of  Scott  being  at  that  time  all  the 
fashion,  Mary  was  to  appear  in  the  character  of  the 
"  Lady  of  the  Lake,"  old  M'Alister  making  a  very  tall 
and  severe -looking  harper ;  Dawdley,  a  most  insignifi 
cant  Fitzjames  ;  and  your  humble  servant  a  stalwart  and 

manly  Roderick  Dim.  AVe  were  to  meet  at  B 

House,  at  twelve  o'clock,  and  as  I  had  no  fancy  to 
drive  through  the  town  in  my  cab  dressed  in  a  kilt  and 
philibeg,  I  agreed  to  take  a  seat  in  Dawdley's  carriage, 
and  to  dress  at  his  house  in  May  Fair.  At  eleven  I 
left  a  very  pleasant  bachelors'  party,  growling  to  quit 
them  and  the  honest,  jovial  claret  bottle,  in  order  to 
scrape  and  cut  capers  like  a  harlequin  from  the  theatre. 
When  I.arrived  at  Dawdley's,  I  mounted  to  a  dressing- 
room,  and  began  to  array  myself  in  my  cursed  costume. 

The  art  of  costuming  was  by  no  means  so  well 
understood  in  those  days  as  it  has  been  since,  and  mine 
was  out  of  all  correctness.  I  was  made  to  sport  an 
enormous  plume  of  black  ostrich  feathers,  such  as  never 
was  worn  by  any  Highland  chief,  and  had  a  huge 
tiger-skin  sporran  to  dangle  like  an  apron  before 
innumerable  yards  of  plaid  petticoat.  The  Tartan 
cloak  was  outrageously  hot  and  voluminous  :  it  was  the 
dog-days,  and  all  these  things  I  was  condemned  tc 
wear  in  the  midst  of  a  crowd  of  a  thousand  people  ! 

Dawdley  sent  up  word  as  I  was  dressing,  that  his 
dress  had  not  arrived,  and  he  took  my  cab,  and  drove 
t>ff  in  a  rage  to  his  tailor. 

There  was  no  hurry,  I  thought,  to  make  a  fool  of 


37 

myself;  so  having  put  on  a  pair  of  plaid  trews,  and 
very  neat  pumps  with  shoe-buckles,  my  courage  failed 
me  as  to  the  rest  of  the  dress,  and  taking  down  one  of 
his  dressing-gowns,  I  went  down-stairs  to  the  study,  to 
wait  until  he  should  arrive. 

The  windows  of  the  pretty  room  were  open,  and  a 
snug  sofa,  with  innumerable  cushions,  drawn  towards 
one  of  them.  A  great  tranquil  moon  was  staring  into 
the  chamber,  in  which  stood,  amidst  books  and  all  sorts 
of  bachelors'  lumber,  a  silver  tray  with  a  couple  of  tall 
Venice  glasses,  and  a  bottle  of  Maraschino  bound  with 
straw.  I  can  see  now  the  twinkle  of  the  liquor  in  the 
moonshine,  as  I  poured  it  into  the  glass ;  and  I  swal 
lowed  two  or  three  little  cups  of  it,  for  my  spirits  were 
downcast.  Close  to  the  tray  of  Maraschino  stood — 
must  I  say  it  ? — a  box,  a  mere  box  of  cedar,  bound 
rudely  together  with  pink  paper,  branded  with  the  name 
of  "  HUDSON  "  on  the  side,  and  bearing  on  the  cover 
the  arms  of  Spain.  I  thought  I  would  just  take  up  the 
box,  and  look  in  it. 

Ah,  Heaven  !  there  they  were — a  hundred  and  fifty 
of  them,  in  calm,  comfortable  rows,  lovingly  side  by 
side,  they  lay  with  the  great  moon  shining  down  upon 
them — thin  at  the  tip,  full  in  the  waist,  elegantly  round 
and  full,  a  little  spot  here  and  there  shining  upon 
them — beauty-spots  upon  the  cheek  of  Silva.  The 
house  was  quite  quiet.  Dawdley  always  smoked  in  his 
room  ; — I  had  not  smoked  for  four  months  and  eleven 
days. 

***** 

When  Lord  Dawdley  came  into  the  study,  he  did 
not  make  any  remarks ;  and,  oh,  how  easy  my  heart 


88  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

felt!     He  was  dressed  in  his  green   and  boots,  after 
Westall's  picture,  correctly. 

"It's  time  to  be  oft',  George,"  said  he;  "  they  told 
me  you  were  dressed  long  ago.  Come  up,  my  man, 
and  get  ready." 

I  rushed  up  into  the  dressing-room,  and  madly 
dashed  my  head  and  arms  into  a  pool  of  eau  de  Co 
logne.  I  drank,  I  believe,  a  tumbler- full  of  it.  I 
called  for  my  clothes,  and,  strange  to  say,  they  were 
gone.  My  servant  brought  them,  however,  saying  that 
he  had  put  them  away — making  some  stupid  excuse. 
I  put  them  on  not  heeding  them  much,  for  I  was  half 

tipsy  with  the  excitement  of  the  ci — ,  of  the  smo , 

of  what  had  taken  place  in  Dawdley's  study,  and  with 
the  Maraschino  and  the  eau  de  Cologne  I  had  drunk. 

';  What  a  fine  odour  of  lavender-water  !"  said  Dawd- 
ley,  as  we  rode  in  the  carriage. 

I  put  my  head  out  of  the  window  and  shrieked  out 
a  laugh  ;  but  made  no  other  reply. 

"  What's  the  joke,  George  ?"  said  Dawdley  ;  "  did  I 
say  any  thing  witty  ?" 

"  No,"  cried  I,  yelling  still  more  wildly ;  "  nothing 
more  witty  than  usual." 

"  Don't  be  severe,  George,"  said  he,  with  a  mortified 

air ;  and  we  drove  on  to  B House. 

#  *  *  #  * 

There  must  have  been  something  strange  and  wild 
in  my  appearance,  and  these  awful  black  plumes,  as  I 
passed  through  the  crowd ;  for  I  observed  people  look 
ing  and  making  a  strange  nasal  noise  (it  is  called 
sniffing,  and  for  which  I  have  no  other  more  delicate 
term),  and  making  way  as  I  pushed  on ;  but  I  moved 


forward  very  fiercely,  for  the  wine,  the  Maraschino,  the 
eau  de  Cologne,  and  the — the  excitement  had  rendered 
me  almost  wild  ;  and  at  length  I  arrived  at  the  place 
where  my  lovely  Lady  of  the  Lake  and  her  Harper 
stood.  How  beautiful  she  looked, — all  eyes  were  upon 
her  as  she  stood  blushing.  When  she  saw  me,  how 
ever,  her  countenance  assumed  an  appearance  of  alarm. 
"  Good  heavens,  George  !"  she  said,  stretching  her  hand 
to  me ;  "  what  makes  you  look  so  wild  and  pale  ?"  I 
advanced,  and  was  going  to  take  her  hand,  when  she 
dropped  it  with  a  scream. 

"Ah— ah— ah  !"  she  said  ;  "Mr.  Fitz-Boodle^  you've 
been  smoking !" 

There  was  an  immense  laugh  from  four  hundred 
people  round  about  us,  and  the  scoundrelly  Dawdley 
joined  in  the  yell.  I  rushed  furiously  out,  and  as  I 
passed  hurtled  over  the  fat  Hereditary  Prince  of 
Kalbsbre  ton-Pumpernickel. 

"Es  nicht  hier  ungeheuer  stark  von  Tabak !"  I 
heard  his  highness  say,  as  I  madly  flung  myself  through 
the  aides-de-camp. 

The  next  day  Mary  M'Alister,  in  a  note  full  of  the 
most  odious  good  sense  and  sarcasm,  reminded  me  of 
our  agreement ;  said  that  she  was  quite  convinced  that 
we  were  not  by  any  means  fitted  for  one  another,  and 
begged  me  to  consider  myself  henceforth  quite  free. 
The  little  wretch  had  the  impertinence  to  send  me  a 
dozen  boxes  of  cigars,  which,  she  said,  would  console 
me  for  my  lost  love  ;  as  she  was  perfectly  certain  that  I 
was  not  mercenary,  and  that  I  loved  tobacco  better 
than  any  woman  in  the  world. 

I  believe  she  was  right,  though  I  have  never  to  this 


40  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

day  been  able  to  pardon  the  scoundrelly  stratagem  by 
which  Dawdley  robbed  me  of  a  wife  and  won  one 
himself.  As  I  was  lying  on  his  sofa,  looking  at  the 
moon  and  lost  in  a  thousand  happy  contemplations, 
Lord  Dawdley,  returning  from  the  tailor's,  saw  me 
smoking  at  my  leisure.  On  entering  his  dressing-room, 
a  horrible  treacherous  thought  struck  him.  "  I  must 
not  betray  my  friend,"  said  he  ;  "  but  in  love  all  is  fair, 
and  he  shall  betray  himself."  There  were  my  tartans, 
my  cursed  feathers,  my  tiger-skin  sporran,  upon  the 
sofa. 

He  called  up  my  groom  ;  he  made  the  rascal  put  on 
all  my  clothes,  and,  giving  him  a  guinea  and  four 
cigars,  bade  him  lock  himself  into  the  little  pantry  and 
smoke  them  without  taking  the  clothes  off.  John  did 
so,  and  was  very  ill  in  consequence,  and  so  when  I  came 

to  B House,  my  clothes  were  redolent  of  tobacco, 

and  I  lost  lovely  Mary  M'Alister. 

I  am  godfather  to  one  of  Lady  Dawdley's  boys,  and 
hers  is  the  only  house  where  I  am  allowed  to  smoke 
unmolested  ;  but  I  have  never  been  able  to  admire 
Dawdley,  a  sly  sournois,  spiritless,  lily-livered  fellow, 
that  took  his  name  off  all  his  clubs  the  year  he  married. 

"  I  am  sick  of  this  squeamish  English  world,"  paid  I, 
in  bitter  scorn,  as  I  sat  in  my  lonely  lodgings  smoking 
Mary  M'Alister's  cigars  :  "  a  curse  upon  their  affecta 
tions  of  propriety  and  silly  obedience  to  the  dictates  of 
whimpering  woman  !  I  will  away  to  some  other 
country  where  thought  is  free,  and  honest  men  have 
their  way.  I  will  have  no  more  of  your  rose-water 
passion,  or  cringing  drawing-room  tenderness.  Pshaw ! 
is  George  Fitz-Boodle  to  be  bound  up  in  the  scented 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  4] 


ringlets  of  a  woman,  or  made  to  fetch  and  carry  her 
reticule  ?  No,  I  will  go  where  woman  shall  obey  and 
not  command  me.  I  will  be  a  Sheikh,  and  my  wife 
shall  cook  my  couscous,  and  dance  before  me,  and 
light  my  narghile.  I  will  be  a  painted  savage  spearing 
the  fish,  and  striking  the  deer,  and  my  wife  shall  sing 
my  great  actions  to  me  as  I  smoke  my  calumet  in  my 
lodge.  Away  !  land  of  dowagers  and  milk-sops,  Fitz- 
Boodle  disowns  you ;  he  will  wander  to  some  other 
clime,  where  man  is  respected,  and  woman  takes  her 
proper  rank  in  the  creation,  as  the  pretty  smiling  slave 
she  would  be." 

I  received  at  this  time,  in  an  abrupt  enclosure  from 
my  father,  120/.,  being  a  quarter's  income,  and  a  polite 
intimation  from  Lady  Fitz-Boodle,  that  as  I  had  dis 
appointed  every  one  of  iny  parents'  expectations  (she 
my  parent !  faugh  !),  I  must  never  look  to  the  slightest 
pecuniary  aid  from  them.  Such  a  sum  would  not 
enable  me  to  travel  across  the  Atlantic  or  to  the  shores 
of  the  Red  Sea,  as  was  my  first  intention  ;  I  determined, 
therefore,  to  visit  a  country  where,  if  woman  was  still 
too  foolishly  worshipped,  at  least  smoking  was  tolerat 
ed,  and  took  my  departure  at  the  Tower  Stairs  for 
Rotterdam  and  the  Rhine. 

There  were  no  incidents  of  the  voyage  worth  recount- 
mg,  nor  am  I  so  absurd  as  to  attempt  to  give  the 
reader  an  account  of  Holland  or  any  other  country. 
This  memoir  is  purely  personal :  and  relates  rather  to 
what  I  suffered  than  to  what  I  saw.  Not  a  word  then 
about  Cologne  and  the  eleven  thousand  British  virgins, 
whom  a  storm  drove  into  that  port,  and  who  were  con 
demned,  as  I  am  pleased  to  think,  to  a  most  merited 


42 

death.  Ah,  Mary  M'Alister !  in  my  rage  and  fury  I 
•wished  that  there  had  been  eleven  thousand  and  one 
spinsters  so  destroyed.  Ah  !  Minna  Lowe,  Jewess  as 
thou  wert,  thou  meritedst  no  better  a  fate  than  that 
which  overtook  those  Christian  damsels. 

Minna  Lowe  was  the  daughter  of  Moses  Lowe, 
banker  at  Bonn.  I  passed  through  the  town  last  year, 
fifteen  years  after  the  event  I  am  about  to  relate,  and 
heard  that  Moses  was  imprisoned  for  forgery  and  frau 
dulent  bankruptcy.  He  merited  the  punishment  which 
the  merciful  Prussian  law  inflicted  on  him. 

Minna  was  the  most  beautiful  creature  that  my  eyes 
ever  lighted  on.  Sneer  not,  ye  Christian  maidens ; 
but  the  fact  was  so.  I  saw  her  for  the  first  time  seated 
at  a  window  covered  with  golden  vine-leaves,  with 
grapes  just  turning  to  purple,  and  tendrils  twisting  in 
the  most  fantastical  arabesques.  The  leaves  cast  a 
pretty  chequered  shadow  over  her  sweet  face,  and  the 
simple,  thin,  white  muslin  gown  in  which  she  was 
dressed.  She  had  bare  white  arms,  and  a  blue  riband 
confined  her  little  waist.  She  was  knitting,  as  all 
German  women  do,  whether  of  the  Jewish  sort  or 
otherwise;  and  in  the  shadow  of  the  room  sat  her 
sister  Emma,  a  powerful  woman  with  a  powerful  voice. 
Emma  was  at  the  piano,  singing,  "  Herz  mem  herz 
warum  so  trau-au-rig," — singing  much  out  of  tune. 

I  had  come  to  change  one  of  Coutts's  circulars  at 
Lowe's  bank,  and  was  looking  for  the  door  of  the 
caisse. 

"Links,  mem  herr  f"  said  Minna  Lowe,  making  the 
gentlest  inclination  with  her  pretty  little  head ;  arid 
blushing  ever  so  little,  and  raising  up  tenderly  a  pair 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  43 

of  heavy  blue  eyes,  and  then  dropping  them  again, 
overcome  l>v  the  sicfht  of  the  stranger.  And  no 

«  O 

wonder,  I  was  a  sight  worth  contemplating  then, — I 
had  golden  hair  which  fell  gracefully  over  my  shoulders, 
and  a  slim  waist  (where  are  you  now,  slim  waist  and 
golden  hair?),  and  a  pair  of  brown  mustachies  that 
curled  gracefully  under  a  firm  Roman  nose,  and  a  tuft 
to  my  chin  that  could  not  but  vanquish  any  woman. 
"  Links,  mem  herr,"  said  lovely  Minna  Lowe. 

That  little  word  links  dropped  upon  my  wounded 
soul  like  balm.  There  is  nothing  in  links  ;  it  is  not  a 
pretty  word.  Minna  Lowe  simply  told  me  to  turn  to 
the  left,  when  I  was  debating  between  that  side  and  its 
opposite,  in  order  to  find  the  cash-room  door.  Any 
other  person  might  have  said  links  (or  rechts  for  that 
matter),  and  would  not  have  made  the  slightest  im 
pression  upon  me ;  but  Minna's  full  red  lips,  a.s  they  let 
slip  the  monosyllable,  wore  a  smile  so  tender,  and  utter 
ed  it  with  such  inconceivable  sweetness,  that  I  was 
overcome  at  once.  "  Sweet  bell !"  I  could  have  said, 
"tinkle  that  dulcet  note  for  ever, — links,  chinks,  linx  !  I 
love  the  chime.  It  soothes  and  blesses  me."  All  this 
I  could  have  said,  and  much  more,  had  I  had  my 
senses  about  me,  and  had  I  been  a  proficient  in  the 
German  language;  but  I  could  not  speak,  both  from 
ignorance  and  emotion.  I  blushed,  .stuttered,  took  off 
my  cap,  made  an  immensely  foolish  bow,  and  began 
forthwith  fumbling  at  the  door-handle. 

The  reason  why  I  have  introduced  the  name  of  this 
siren  is  to  shew  that  if  tobacco  in  a  former  unlucky 
instance  has  proved  my  enemy,  in  the  present  case  it 
was  my  firmest  friend.  I,  the  descendant  of  the  Nor- 


44  FITZ-BOODLES    CONFESSIONS. 

man  Fitz-Boodle,  the  relative  of  kings  and  emperors, 
might,  but  for  tobacco,  have  married  the  daughter  of 
Moses  Lowe,  the  Jew  forger  and  convict  of  Bonn.  I 
would  have  done  it ;  for  I  hold  the  man  a  slave  who 
calculates  in  love,  and  who  thinks  about  prudence  when 
his  heart  is  in  question.  Men  many  their  cook-maids, 
and  the  world  looks  down  upon  them.  Ne  sit  ancillce 
amor  pudori  !  I  exclaimed  with  a  notorious  poet,  if  you 
heartily  and  entirely  love  your  cook-maid,  you  are  a 
fool  and  a  coward  not  to  wed  her.  What  more  can 
you  want  than  to  have  your  heart  filled  up  ?  Can  a 
duchess  do  more  ?  You  talk  of  the  difference  of  rank 
and  the  decencies  of  society.  Away,  sir  !  love  is  divine, 
and  knows  not  your  paltry,  worldly  calculations.  It  is 
not  love  you  worship,  O  heartless,  silly  calculator  !  it  is 
the  interest  of  thirty  thousand  pounds  in  the  three  per 
cents,  and  the  blessing  of  a  genteel  mother-in-law  in 
Harley  Street,  and  the  ineffable  joy  of  snug  dinners, 
and  a  butler  behind  your  chair.  Fool !  love  is  eternal, 
butlers  and  mothers-in-law  are  perishable :  you  have 
but  the  enjoyment  of  your  three  per  cents  for  forty 
years  :  and  then,  what  do  they  avail  you  ?  But  if  you 
believe  that  she  whom  you  choose,  and  to  whom  your 
heart  clings,  is  to  be  your  soul's  companion,  not  now 
merely,  but  for  ever  and  ever  ;  then  what  a  paltry  item 
of  money  or  time  has  deterred  you  from  your  happiness, 
what  a  miserable  penny-wise  economist  you  have  been ! 
And  here,  if,  as  a  man  of  the  world,  I  might  be 
allowed  to  give  advice  to  fathers  and  mothers  of 
families,  it  would  be  this :  young  men  fall  in  love  with 
people  of  a  lower  rank,  and  they  are  not  strong  enough  to 
resist  the  dread  of  disinheritance,  or  of  the  world's 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  45 

scorn,  or  of  the  cursed  tyrant  gentility,  and  dare  not 
marry  the  woman  they  love  above  all.  But  if  prudence 
is  strong,  passion  is  strong  too,  and  principle  is  not,  and 
women  (Heaven  keep  them !)  are  weak.  We  all  know 
what  happens  then.  Prudent  papas  and  mammas  say, 
"  George  will  sow  his  wild  oats  soon,  he  will  be  tired  of 
that  odious  woman  one  day,  and  we'll  get  a  good 
marriage  for  him :  meanwhile  it  is  best  to  hush  the 
matter  up  and  pretend  to  know  nothing  about  it." 
But  suppose  George  does  the  only  honest  thing  in  his 
power,  and  marries  the  woman  he  loves  above  all; 
then  what  a  cry  you  have  from  parents  and  guardians, 
what  shrieks  from  aunts  and  sisters,  what  excommunica 
tions  and  disinheriting !  "  What  a  weak  fool  George 
is !"  say  his  male  friends  in  the  clubs ;  and  no  hand  of 
sympathy  is  held  out  to  poor  Mrs.  George,  who  is 
never  forgiven,  but  shunned  like  a  plague,  and  sneered 
at  by  a  relentless  pharisaical  world  until  death  sets  her 
free.  As  long  as  she  is  unmarried,  avoid  her  if  you 
will ;  but  as  soon  as  she  is  married,  go  !  be  kind  to  her, 
and  comfort  her,  and  pardon  and  forget,  if  you  can  ! 
And  lest  some  charitable  people  should  declare  that  I 
am  setting  up  here  an  apology  for  vice,  let  me  here,  and 
by  way  of  precaution,  flatly  contradict  them,  and  declare 
that  I  only  would  offer  a  plea  for  marriage. 

But  where  has  Minna  'Lowe  been  left  during  this 
page  of  disquisition  ?  Blushing  under  the  vine-leaves 
positively,  whilst  I  was  thanking  my  stars  that  she 
never  became  Mrs.  George  Fitz-Boodle.  And  yet  who 
knows  what  thou  mightst  have  become,  Minna,  had 
such  a  lot  fallen  to  thee  ?  She  was  too  pretty  and 
innocent-looking  to  have  been  by  nature  that  artful, 


46  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

intriguing  huzzy  that  education  made  her,  and  that  my 
experience  found  -her.  The  case  was  simply  this,  not 
a  romantical  one  by  any  means. 


At  this  very  juncture,  perhaps,  it  will  be  as  well  to 
pause,  and  leave  the  world  to  wait  for  a  month  until  it 
learns  the  result  of  the  loves  of  Minna  Lowe  and 
George  Fitz-Boodle.  I  have  other  tales  still  more  in 
teresting  in  store ;  and  though  I  have  never  written  a 
line  until  now,  I  doubt  not  before  long  to  have  excited 
such  a  vast  sympathy  in  my  favour,  that  I  shall  become 
as  popular  as  the  oldest  (I  mean  the  handsomest  and 
most  popular)  literary  characters  of  this  or  any  other 
age  or  country.  Artists  and  print-publishers,  desirous 
of  taking  my  portrait,  may  as  well,  therefore,  begin  send 
ing  in  their  proposals  to  Mr.  Nickisson ;  nor  shall  I  so 
much  look  to  a  high  remuneration  for  sitting  (egad  !  it 
is  a  frightful  operation),  as  to  a  clever  and  skilful 
painter,  who  must  likewise  be  a  decently  bred  and 
companionable  person. 

Nor  is  it  merely  upon  matters  relating  to  myself  (for 
egotism  I  hate,  and  the  reader  will  remark  that  there  is 
scarcely  a  single  "  I "  in  the  foregoing  pages)  that  I 
propose  to  speak.  Next  month,  for  instance  (besides 
the  continuation  of  my  own  and  other  people's  memoirs), 
I  shall  acquaint  the  public  with  a  discovery  which  is 
intensely  interesting  to  all  fathers  of  families  :  I  have  in 
my  eye  three  new  professions  which  a  gentleman  may 
follow  with  credit  and  profit,  which  are  to  this  day 
unknown,  and  which,  in  the  present  difficult  times, 
cannot  fail  to  be  eagerly  seized  upon. 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.  47 

Before  submitting  them  to  public  competition,  I  will 
treat  privately  with  parents  and  guardians,  or  with 
young  men  of  good  education  and  address  ;  such  only 
will  suit.  G.  S.  F.  13. 


48  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 


PROFESSIONS  BY  GEORGE   FITZ-BOODLE. 

BEING    APPEALS    TO     THE     UNEMPLOYED     YOUNGER    SONS 
OF    THE    NOBILITY. 


FIRST      PROFESSION. 

THE  fair  and  honest  proposition  which  I  put  forth  at 
the  end  of  my  last  (and  first)  appeal  to  the  British  pub 
lic,  and  in  which  I  offered  to  communicate  privately 
with  parents  and  guardians  relative  to  three  new  and 
lucrative  professions  which  I  had  discovered,  has,  I 
find  from  the  publisher,  elicited  not  one  single  inquiry 
from  those  personages,  who  I  can't  but  think  are  very 
little  careful  of  their  children's  welfare  to  allow  such  a 
chance  to  be  thrown  away.  It  is  not  for  myself  I 
speak,  as  my  conscience  proudly  tells  me ;  for  though 
I  actually  gave  up  Ascot  in  order  to  be  in  the  way 
should  any  father  of  a  family  be  inclined  to  treat  with 
me  regarding  my  discoveries,  yet  I  am  grieved,  not  on 
my  own  account,  but  on  theirs,  and  for  the  wretched 
penny- wise  policy  that  has  held  them  back. 

That  they  must  feel  an  interest  in  my  announcement 
is  unquestionable.  Look  at  the  way  in  which  the  pub 
lic  prints  of  all  parties  have  noticed  my  appearance  in 
the  character  of  a  literary  man  !  Putting  aside  my  per- 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  49 

sonal  narrative,  look  at  the  offer  I  made  to  the  nation, 
— a  choice  of  no  less  than  three  new  professions !  Sup 
pose  I  had  invented  as  many  new  kinds  of  butcher's 
meat ;  does  any  one  pretend  that  the  world,  tired  as  it 
is  of  the  perpetual  recurrence  of  beef,  mutton,  veal,  cold 
beef,  cold  veal,  cold  mutton,  hashed  ditto,  would  not 
have  jumped  eagerly  at  the  delighful  intelligence  that 
their  old,  stale,  stupid  meals  were  about  to  be  varied  at 
last? 

Of  course  people  would  have  come  forward.  I  should 
have  had  deputations  from  Mr.  Gibletts  and  the  fashjon- 
able  butchers  of  this  world  ;  petitions  would  have  poured 
in  from  Whitechapel  salesmen  ;  the  speculators  panting 
to  know  the  discovery ;  the  cautious  with  stock  in  hand 
eager  to  bribe  me  to  silence  and  prevent  the  certain  de 
preciation  of  the  goods  which  they  already  possessed. 
I  should  have  dealt  with  them,  not  greedily  or  rapa 
ciously,  but  on  honest  principles  of  fair  barter.  "  Gen 
tlemen,"  I  should  have  said,  or  rather,  "  Gents,"  which 
affectionate  diminutive  is,  I  am  given  to  understand,  at 
present  much  in  use  among  commercial  persons,  "  Gents, 
my  researches,  my  genius,  or  my  good  fortune,  have 
brought  me  to  the  valuable  discovery  about  which  you 
are  come  to  treat,  Will  you  purchase  it  outright,  or 
will  you  give  the  discoverer  an  honest  share  of  the  pro 
fits  resulting  from  your  speculation  ?  My  position  in 
the  world  puts  me  out  of  the  power  of  executing  the 
vast  plan  I  have  formed,  but  'twill  be  a  certain  fortune 
to  him  who  engages  in  it ;  and  why  should  not  I,  too, 
participate  in  that  fortune  ?" 

Such  would  have  been  my  manner  of  dealing  with 
the  world,  too,  with  regard  to  my  discovery  of  the  IK-W 
3 


50  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

professions.  Does  not  the  world  want  new  professions? 
Are  there  not  thousands  of  well-educated  men  panting, 
struggling,  pushing,  starving,  in  the  old  ones  ?  Grim 
tenants  of  chambers  looking  out  for  attorneys  who 
never  come  ? — wretched  physicians  practising  the  stale 
joke  of  being  called  out  of  church  until  people  no 
longer  think  fit  even  to  laugh  or  to  pity  ?  Are  there 
not  hoary-headed  midshipmen,  antique  ensigns  growing 
mouldy  upon  fifty  years'  half-pay  ?  Nay,  are  there  not 
men  who  would  pay  any  thing  to  be  employed  rather 
than  remain  idle  ?  But  such  is  the  glut  of  professionals, 
the  horrible  cut-throat  competition  among  them,  that 
there  is  no  chance  for  one  in  a  thousand,  be  he  ever  so 
willing,  or  brave,  or  clever :  in  the  great  ocean  of  life 
he  makes  a  few  strokes,  and  puffs,  and  sputters,  and 
sinks,  and  the  innumerable  waves  overwhelm  him  and 
he  is  heard  of  no  more. 

Walking  to  my  banker's  t'other  day — and  I  pledge 
my  sacred  honour  this  story  is  true — I  met  a  young  fel 
low  whom  I  had  known  attache,  to  an  embassy  abroad, 
a  young  man  of  tolerable  parts,  unwearied  patience, 
with  some  fortune,  too,  arrd,  moreover,  allied  to  a  noble 
Whig  family,  whose  interest  had  procured  him  his  ap 
pointment  to  the  legation  at  Krahwinkel,  where  I 
knew  him.  He  remained  for  ten  years  a  diplomatic 
character  ;  he  was  the  working-man  of  the  legation  :  he 
sent  over  the  most  diffuse  translations  of  the  German 
papers  for  the  use  of  the  Foreign  Secretary  ;  he  signed 
passports  with  most  astonishing  ardour ;  he  exiled  him 
self  for  ten  long  years  in  a  wretched  German  town, 
dancing  attendance  at  court-balls  and  paying  no  end  of 
money  for  uniforms.  And  for  wha*  ?  At  the  end  of 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  51 

the  ten  years — during  which  period  of  labour  he  never 
received  a  single  shilling  from  the  government  which 
employed  him  (rascally  spendthrifts  of  a  government, 
va  /), — he  was  offered  the  paid  attacheship  to  the  court 
of  H.  M.  the  king  of  the  Mosquito  Islands,  and  refused 
that  appointment  a  week  before  the  Whig  ministry 
retired.  Then  he  knew  that  there  was  no  further 
chance  for  him,  and  incontinently  quitted  the  diplomatic 
service  for  ever,  and  I  have  no  doubt  will  sell  his  uni 
form  a  bargain.  The  government  had  him  a  bargain 
certainly,  nor  is  he  by  any  means  the  first  person  who 
has  been  sold  at  that  price. 

Well,  my  worthy  friend  met  me  in  the  street  and 
informed  me  of  these  facts  with  a  smiling  countenance, 
— which  I  thought  a  master-piece  of  diplomacy.  For 
tune  had  been  belabouring  and  kicking  him  for  ten 
whole  years,  and  here  he  was  grinning  in  my  face  : 
could  Monsieur  de  Talleyrand  have  acted  better  ?  "  I 
have  given  up  diplomacy,"  said  Protocol,  quite  simply 
and  good-humouredly,  "  for  between  you  and  me,  my 
good  fellow,  it's  a  very  slow  profession  ;  sure  perhaps, 
but  slow.  But  though  I  gained  no  actual  pecuniary 
remuneration  in  the  service,  I  have  learned  all  the 
languages  in  Europe,  which  will  be  invaluable  to  me  in 
my  new  profession — the  mercantile  one — in  which 
directly  I  looked  out  for  a  post.  I  found  one." 

"  What !  and  a  good  pay  ?"  said  I. 

"  Why,  no ;  that's  absurd,  you  know.  No  young 
men,  strangers  to  business,  are  paid  much  to  speak  of. 
Besides,  I  don't  look  to  a  paltry  clerk's  pay.  Some 
day,  when  thoroughly  acquainted  with  the  business  (I 
shall  learn  it  in  about  seven  years),  I  shall  go  into  a 


52 

good  house  with  my  capital  and  become  junior  part 
ner." 

"  And  meanwhile  ?" 

"  Meanwhile  I  conduct  the  foreign  correspondence  of 
the  eminent  house  of  Jam,  Ram,  and  Johnson  ;  and 
very  heavy  it  is,  I  can  tell  you.  From  nine  till  six 
every  day,  except  foreign  post  days,  and  then  from  nine 
till  eleven  ;  dirty  dark  court  to  sit ;  snobs  to  talk  to, — 
great  change,  as  you  may  fancy." 

"  And  you  do  all  this  for  nothing  ?" 

"  I  do  it  to  learn  the  business  ;'*  and  so  saying  Proto 
col  gave  me  a  knowing  nod  and  went  his  way. 

Good  Heavens  !  I  thought,  and  is  this  a  true  story  ? 
Are  there  hundreds  of  young  men  in  a  similar  situation 
at  the  present  day,  giving  away  the  best  years  of  their 
youth  for  the  sake  of  a  mere  windy  hope  of  something 
in  old  age,  and  dying  before  they  come  to  the  goal? 
In  seven  years  he  hopes  to  have  a  business,  and  then 
to  have  the  pleasure  of  risking  his  money  ?  He  will  be 
admitted  into  some  great  house  as  a  particular  favour, 
and  three  months  after  the  house"  will  fail.  Has  it  not 
happened  to  a  thousand  of  our  acquaintance  ?  I 
thought  I  would  run  after  him  and  tell  him  about  the 
new  professions  that  I  have  invented. 

"  Oh  !  ay  !  those  you  wrote  about  in  Fraser's  Maga 
zine.  Egad  !  George,  Necessity  makes  strange  fellows 
of  us  all.  Who  would  ever  have  thought  of  you  spell 
ing,  much  more  writing  ?" 

"  Never  mind  that.  Will  you,  if  I  tell  you  of  a  new 
profession,  that  with  a  little  cleverness  and  instruction 
from  me,  you  may  bring  to  a  most  successful  end — will 
you,  I  say,  make  me  a  fair  return  ?" 


53 

"  My  dear  creature,"  replied  young  Protocol,  "  what 
nonsense  you  talk  !  I  saw  that  very  humbug  in  the 
Magazine.  You  say  you  have  made  a  great  discovery 
— very  good ;  you  puff  your  discovery — very  right ; 
you  ask  money  for  it — nothing  can  be  more  reasonable  • 
and  then  you  say  that  you  intend  to  make  your  dis 
covery  public  in  the  next  number  of  the  Magazine. 
Do  you  think  I  will  be  such  a  fool  as  to  give  you  mo 
ney  for  a  thing  which  I  can  have  next  month  for 
nothing  ?  Good-by,  George  my  boy ;  the  next  dis 
covery  you  make  I'll  tell  you  how  to  get  a  better  price 
for  it ;"  and  with  this  the  fellow  walked  off,  looking 
supremely  knowing  and  clever. 

This  tale  of  the  person  I  have  called  Protocol  is  not 
told  without  a  purpose,  you  may  be  sure.  In  the  first 
place,  it  shews  what  are  the  reasons  that  nobody  has 
made  application  to  me  concerning  the  new  professions, 
namely,  because  I  have  passed  my  word  to  make  them 
known  in  this  Magazine,  which  persons  may  have  for 
tke  purchasing,  stealing,  borrowing,  or  hiring,  and, 
therefore,  they  will  never  think  of  applying  personally 
to  me.  And,  secondly,  his  story  proves  also  my  asser 
tion,  viz.  that  all  professions  are  most  cruelly  crowded 
at  present,  and  that  men  will  make  the  most  absurd 
outlay  and  sacrifices  for  the  smallest  chance  of  success 
at  some  future  period.  Well,  then,  I  will  be  a  bene 
factor  to  my  race,  if  I  cannot  be  to  one  single  member 
of  it,  whom  I  love  better  than  most  men.  What  I 
have  discovered  I  will  make  known  ;  there  shall  be  no 
shilly-shallying  work  here,  no  circumlocution,  no  bottle- 
conjuring  business.  But  oh  !  I  wish  for  all  our  sakes 


54 

that  I  had  had  an  opportunity  to  impart  the  secret  to 
one  or  t\vo  persons  only ;  for,  after  all,  but  one  or 
two  can  live  in  the  manner  I  would  suggest.  And 
when  the  discovery  is  made  known,  I  am  sure  ten  thou 
sand  will  try.  The  rascals !  I  can  see  their  brass  plates 
gleaming  over  scores  of  doors.  Competition  will  ruin 
my  professions,  as  it  has  all  others. 

It  must  be  premised  that  the  two  first  professions  are 
intended  for  gentlemen,  and  gentlemen  only — men  of 
birth  and  education.  No  others  could  support  the  parts 
which  they  will  be  called  upon  to  play. 

And,  likewise,  it  must  be  honestly  confessed  that 
these  professions  have,  to  a  certain  degree,  been  exer 
cised  before.  Do  not  cry  out  at  this  and  say  it  is  no 
discovery  !  I  say  it  is  a  discovery.  It  is  a  discovery, 
if  I  shew  you — a  gentleman — a  profession  which  you 
may  exercise  without  derogation  or  loss  of  standing, 
with  certain  profit,  nay,  possibly  with  honour,  and  of 
which  until  the  reading  of  this  present  page,  you  never 
thought  but  as  of  a  calling  beneath  your  rank  and 
quite  below  your  reach.  Sir,  I  do  not  mean  to  say 
that  I  create  a  profession.  I  cannot  create  gold  ;  but 
if,  when  discovered,  I  find  the  means  of  putting  it  in 
your  pocket,  do  I  or  do  I  not  deserve  credit  ? 

I  see  you  sneer  contemptuously  when  I  mention  to 
you  the  word  AUCTIONEER.  "  Is  this  all,"  you  say, 
"  that  this  fellow  brags  and  prates  about  ?  An  auc 
tioneer  forsooth  !  he  might  as  well  have  '  invented' 
chimney-sweeping  ?" 

No  such  thing.  A  little  boy  of  seven,  be  he  ever  so 
low  of  birth,  can  do  this  as  well  as  you.  Do  you  sup 
pose  that  little  stolen  Master  Montague  made  a  better 


I  ^^_ ,        .      FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  55 

sweeper  than  the  lowest-bred  chummy  that  yearly  com 
memorates  his  release  1  No,  sir.  And  he  might  have 
been  ever  so  much  a  genius  or  a  gentleman,  and  not 
have  been  able  to  make  his  trade  respectable. 

But  all  such  trades  as  can  be  rendered  decent  the 
aristocracy  has  adopted  one  by  one.  At  first  they  fol 
lowed  their  profession  of  arms,  flouting  all  others  as 
unworthy,  and  thinking  it  ungentlemanlike  to  know 
how  to  read  or  write.  They  did  not  go  into  the  church 
in  very  early  days  till  the  money  to  be  got  from  the 
church  was  strong  enough  to  tempt  them.  It  is  but  of 
later  years  that  they  have  condescended  to  go  to  the 
bar,  and  since  the  same  time  only  that  we  see  some 
of  them  following  trades.  I  know  an  English  lord's 
son  who  is,  or  was,  a  wine-merchant  (he  may  have  been 
a  bankrupt  for  what  I  know).  As  for  bankers,  several 
partners  in  banking-houses  have  four  balls  to  their  coro 
nets,  and  I  have  no  doubt  that  another  sort  of  banking, 
viz.  that  practised  by  gentlemen  who  lend  small  sums 
of  money  upon  deposited  securities,  will  be  one  day 
followed  by  the  noble  order,  so  that  they  may  have 
four  balls  on  their  coronets  and  carriages,  and  three  in 
front  of  their  shops. 

Yes,  the  nobles  come  peoplewards  as  the  people,  on 
the  other  hand,  rise  and  mingle  with  the  nobles.  With 
the  plebs,  of  course,  Fitz-Boodle,  in  whose  veins  flows 
the  blood  of  a  thousand  kings,  can  have  nothing  to  do  ; 
but,  watching  the  progress  of  the  world,  'tis  impossible 
to  deny  that  the  good  old  days  for  our  race  are  passed 
away.  We  want  money  still  as  much  as  ever  we  did ; 
but  we  cannot  go  down  from  our  castles  with  horse  and 
sword  and  waylay  fat  merchants — no,  no,  confounded 


56  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

new  policemen  and  the  assize-courts  prevent  that. 
Younger  brothers  cannot  be  pages  to  noble  houses,  as 
of  old  they  were,  serving  gentle  dames  without  disgrace, 
handing  my  lord's  rose-water  to  wash,  or  holding  his 
stirrup  as  he  mounted  for  the  chase.  A  page,  forsooth  ! 
A  pretty  figure  would  George  Fitz-Boodle,  or  any  other 
man  of  fashion  cut,  in  a  jacket  covered  with  sugar- 
loafed  buttons  and  handing  in  penny-post  notes  on  a 
silver  tray.  The  plebs  have  robbed  us  of  that  trade 
among  others,  nor,  I  confess,  do  I  much  grudge  them 
their  trouvaille.  Neither  can  we  collect  together  a  few 
scores  of  free  lances,  like  honest  Hugh  Calyerly  in  the 
Black  Prince's  time,  or  brave  Harry  Butler  of  Wallen- 
stein's  dragoons,  and  serve  this  or  that  prince,  Peter 
the  Cruel  or  Henry  of  Trastamare,  Gustavus  or  the 
Emperor,  at  our  leisure ;  or,  in  default  of  service,  fight 
and  rob  on  our  own  gallant  account,  as  the  good  gen 
tlemen  of  old  did.  Alas !  no.  In  South  America  or 
Texas,  perhaps,  a  man  might  have  a  chance  that  way ; 
but  in  the  ancient  world  no  man  can  fight  except  in 
the  king's  service  (and  a  mighty  bad  service  that  is 
too),  and  the  lowest  European  sovereign,  were  it  Baldo- 
mero  Espartero  himself,  would  think  nothing  of  seizing 
the  best  bom  Condottiere  chief  that  ever  drew  sword 
and  shooting  him  down  like  the  vulgarest  deserter. 

What,  then,  is  to  be  done  ?  We  must  discover  fresh 
fields  of  enterprise — of  peaceable  and  commercial  en 
terprise  in  a  peaceful  and  commercial  age.  I  say,  then, 
that  the  auctioneer's  pulpit  has  never  yet  been  ascended 
by  a  scion  of  the  aristocracy,  and  am  prepared  to  prove 
that  they  might  scale  it,  and  do  so  with  dignity  and 
profit. 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  57 

For  the  auctioneer's  pulpit  is  just  the  peculiar  place 
where  a  man  of  social  refinement,  of  elegant  wit,  of 
polite  perceptions,  can  bring  his  wit,  his  eloquence,  his 
taste,  and  his  experience  of  life,  most  delightfully  into 
play.  It  is  not  like  the  bar,  where  the  better  and 
higher  qualities  of  a  man  of  fashion  find  no  room  for 
exercise.  In  defending  John  Jorrocks  in  an  action  of 
trespass,  for  cutting  down  a  stick  in  Sam  Snooks's  field, 
what  powers  of  mind  do  you  require  ? — powers  of 
mind,  that  is,  which  Mr.  Serjeant  Snorter,  a  butcher's 
son  with  a  great  loud  voice,  a  sizer  at  Cambridge,  a 
wrangler,  and  so  forth,  does  not  possess  as  well  as  your 
self?  Snorter  has  never  been  in  decent  society  in  his 
life.  He  thinks  the  bar-mess  the  most  fashionable 
assemblage  in  Europe,  and  the  jokes  of  "  grand  day" 
the  ne  plus  ultra  of  wit.  Snorter  lives  near  Russell 
Square,  eats  beef  and  Yorkshire-pudding,  is  a  judge  of 
port-wine,  is  in  all  social  respects  your  inferior.  Well, 
it  is  ten  to  one  but  in  the  case  of  Snooks  v.  Jorrocks, 
before  mentioned,  he  will  be  a  better  advocate  than 
you  ;  he  knows  the  law  of  the  case  entirely,  and  better 
probably  than  you.  He  can  speak  long,  loud,  to  the 
point,  grammatically — more  grammatically  than  you, 
no  doubt,  will  condescend  to  do.  In  the  case  of  Snooks 
v.  Jorrocks  he  is  all  that  can  be  desired.  And  so  about 
dry  disputes,  respecting  real  property,  he  knows  the 
law  ;  and,  beyond  this,  has  no  more  need  to  be  a  gen 
tleman  than  my  body-servant  has — who,  by  the  way, 
from  constant  intercourse  with  the  best  society,  is  almost 
a  gentleman.  But  this  is  apart  from  the  question. 

Now,  in  the  matter  of  auctioneering,  this,  I  appre 
hend,  is  not  the  case,  and  assert  that  a  high-bred  gen- 
3* 


58  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

tleman,  with  good  powers  of  mind  and  speech,  must,  in 
sucli  a  profession,  make  a  fortune.  I  do  not  mean  in 
all  auctioneering  matters.  I  do  not  mean  that  such  a 
person  should  be  called  upon  to  sell  the  good-will  of  a 
public-house,  or  discourse  about  the  value  of  the  beer- 
barrels,  or  bar  with  pewter  fittings,  or  the  beauty  of  a 
trade  doing  a  stroke  of  so  many  hogsheads  a  week.  I 
do  not  ask  a  gentleman  to  go  down  and  sell  pigs, 
ploughs,  and  cart-horses,  at  Stoke  Pogis  ;  or  to  enlarge 
at  the  Auction  Rooms,  Wapping,  upon  the  beauty  of 
the  Lively  Sally,  schooner.  These  articles  of  commerce 
or  use  can  be  better  appreciated  by  persons  in  a  dif 
ferent,  rank  of  life  to  his. 

But  there  are  a  thousand  cases  in  which  a  gentleman 
only  can  do  justice  to  the  sale  of  objects  which  the 
necessity  or  convenience  of  the  genteel  world  may  re 
quire  to  change  hands.  All  articles,  properly  called,  of 
taste  should  be  put  under  his  charge.  Pictures, — lie  is 
a  travelled  man,  has  seen  and  judged  the  best  galleries 
of  Europe,  and  can  speak  of  them  as  a  common  person 
cannot.  For,  mark  you,  you  must  have  the  confidence 
of  your  society,  you  must  be  able  to  be  familiar  with 
them,  to  plant  a  happy  mot  in  a  graceful  manner,  to 
appeal  to  my  lord  or  the  duchess  in  such  a  modest, 
easy,  pleasant  way  as  that  her  grace  should  not  be  hurt 
by  your  allusion  to  her — nay,  amused  (like  the  rest  of 
the  company)  by  the  manner  in  which  it  was  done. 

What  is  more  disgusting  than  the  familiarity  of  a 
snob  ?  What  more  loathsome  than  the  swaggering 
quackery  of  some  present  holders  of  the  hammer? 
There  was  a  late  sale,  for  instance,  which  made  some 
noise  in  the  world  (I  mean  the  late  Lord  Gimcrack's 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  59 

at  Di! berry  Hill).  Ah  !  what  an  opportunity  was  lost 
there  !  I  declare  solemnly  that  I  believe,  but  for  the 
absurd  quackery  and  braggadocio  of  the  advertise 
ments,  much  more  money  would  have  been  bid ;  peo 
ple  were  kept  away  by  the  vulgar  trumpeting  of  the 
auctioneer,  and  could  not  help  thinking  the  things  were 
worthless  that  were  so  outrageously  lauded. 

They  say  that  sort  of  Bartholomew-fair  advocacy  (in 
which  people  are  invited  to  an  entertainment  by  the 
medium  of  a  hoarse  yelling  beef-eater,  twenty-four 
drums,  and  a  jack-pudding  turning  head  over  heels)  is 
absolutely  necessary  to  excite  the  public  attention. 
What  an  error!  I  say  that  the  refined  individual  so 
accosted  is  more  likely  to  close  his  ears,  and,  shuddering, 
run  away  from  the  booth.  Poor  Horace  Waddlepoo- 
dle  !  to  think  that  thy  gentle  accumulation  of  brlcabrac 
should  have  passed  away  in  such  a  manner!  by  means 
of  a  man  who  brings  down  a  butterfly  with  a  blunder 
buss,  and  talks  of  a  pin's  head  through  a  speaking 
trumpet!  Why,  the  auctioneer's  very  voice  was 
enough  to  crack  the  Sevres  porcelain  and  blow  the  lace 
into  annihilation.  Let  it  be  remembered  that  I  speak 
of  the  gentleman  in  his  public  character  merely,  mean 
ing  to  insinuate  nothing  more  than  I  would  by  stating 
that  Lord  Brougham  speaks  with  a  northern  accent,  or 
that  the  voice  of  Mr.  Sheil  is  sometimes  unpleasantly 
shrill. 

Now  the  character  I  have  formed  to  myself  of  a 
great  auctioneer  is  this.  I  fancy  him  a  man  of  first- 
rate  and  irreproachable  birth  and  fashion.  I  fancy  his 
person  so  agreeable  that  it  must  be  a  pleasure  for  ladies 
to  behold  and  tailors  to  dress  it.  As  a  private  man  he 


60  FITZ-BOODI-K'S  PROFESSIONS. 

must  move  in  the  very  best  society,  which  will  flock 
round  his  pulpit  when  he  mounts  it  in  his  public  call 
ing.  It  will  be  a  privilege  for  vulgar  people  to  attend 
the  hall  where  he  lectures;  and  they  will  consider  it  an 
honour  to  be  allowed  to  pay  their  money  for  articles, 
the  value  of  which  is  stamped  by  his  high  recommenda 
tion.  Nor  can  such  a  person  be  a  mere  fribble,  or  any 
loose  hanger-on  of  fashion  imagine  he  may  assume  the 
character.  The  gentleman-auctioneer  must  be  an 
artist  above  all,  adoring  his  profession  ;  and  adoring  it, 
what  must  he  not  know  ?  lie  must  have  a  good  know 
ledge  of  the  history  and  language  of  all  nations ;  not 
the  knowledge  of  the  mere  critical  scholar,  but  of  the 
lively  and  elegant  man  of  the  world.  He  will  not  com 
mit  the  gross  blunders  of  pronunciation  that  untravelled 
Englishmen  perpetrate;  he  will  not  degrade  his  subject 
by  coarse  eulogy,  or  sicken  his  audience  with  vulgar 
banter.  He  will  know  where  to  apply  praise  and  wit 
properly  ;  lie  will  have  the  tact  only  acquired  in  good 
society,  and  know  where  a  joke  is  in  place,  and  how 
far  a  compliment  may  go.  He  will  not  outrageously 
and  indiscriminately  laud  all  objects  committed  to  his 
charge,  for  he  knows  the  value  of  praise;  that  dia 
monds,  could  we  have  them  by  the  bushel,  would  be 
used  as  coals ;  that,  above  all,  he  has  a  character  of 
sincerity  to  support ;  that  he  is  not  merely  the  advo 
cate  of  the  person  who  employs  him,  but  that  the  pub 
lic  is  his  client  too,  who  honours  him  and  confides  in 
him.  Ask  him  to  sell  a  copy  of  RafFaelle  for  an  origi 
nal;  a  trumpery  modern  Brussels  counterfeit  for  real 
old  Mechlin  ;  some  common  French  forged  crockery 
for  the  old  delightful,  delicate,  Dresden  china,  and  he 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  61 


will  quit  you  with  scorn,  or  order  his  servant  to  shew 
you  the  door  of  his  study. 

Study,  by  the  way, — no,  "  study  "  is  a  vulgar  word  ; 
every  word  is  vulgar  which  a  man  uses  to  give  the 
world  an  exaggerated  notion  of  himself  or  his  condi 
tion.  When  the  wretched  bagman,  brought  up  to  give 
evidence  before  Judge  Coltman,  was  asked  what  his 
trade  was,  and  replied  that  "he  represented  the  house 
of  Dobson  and  Hobson,"  he  shewed  himself  to  be  a 
vulgar,  mean-souled  wretch,  and  was  most  properly 
reprimanded  by  his  lordship.  To  be  a  bagman  is  to  be 
humble,  but  not  of  necessity  vulgar.  Pomposity  is  vul 
gar,  to  ape  a  higher  rank  than  your  own  is  vulgar,  for 
an  ensign  of  militia  to  call  himself  captain  is  vulgar,  or 
for  a  bagman  to  style  himself  the  "  representative  "  of 
Dobson  and  Hobson.  The  honest  auctioneer,  then, 
will  not  call  his  room  his  study ;  but  his  "  private 
room,"  or  his  office,  or  whatever  may  be  the  phrase 
commonly  used  among  auctioneers. 

He  will  not  for  the  same  reason  call  himself  (as  once 
in  a  momentary  feeling  of  pride  and  enthusiasm  for  the 
profession  I  thought  he  should) — he  will  not  call  him 
self  "  an  advocate,"  but  an  auctioneer.  There  is  no 
need  to  attempt  to  awe  people  by  big  titles,  let  each 
man  bear  his  own  name  without  shame.  And  a  very 
gentlemanlike  and  agreeable,  though  exceptional  posi 
tion  (for  it  is  clear  that  there  cannot  be  more  than  two 
of  the  class),  may  the  auctioneer  occupy. 

He  must  not  sacrifice  his  honesty,  then,  either  for  his 
own  sake  or  his  clients'  in  any  way,  nor  tell  fibs  about 
himself  or  them.  He  is  by  no  means  called  upon  to 
draw  the  long  bow  in  their  behalf;  all  that  his  office 


62 

obliges  him  to  do — and  let  us  hope  hi.s  disposition  will 
lead  him  to  do  it  also — is  to  take  a  favourable,  kindly, 
philanthropic  view  of  the  world  ;  to  say  what  can  fairly 
be  said  by  a  good-natured  and  ingenious  man  in  praise 
of  any  article  for  which  he  is  desirous  to  awaken  pub 
lic  sympathy.  And  how  readily  and  pleasantly  may 
this  be  done  !  I  will  take  upon  myself,  for  instance,  to 
write  an  etilogium  upon  So-and-so's  last  novel,  which 
shall  be  every  word  of  it  true;  and  which  work,  though 
to  some  discontented  spirits  it  might  appear  dull,  may 
be  shewn  to  be  really  amusing  and  instructive, — nay,  is 
amusing  and  instinctive  to  those  who  have  the  art  of 
discovering  where  those  precious  qualities  lie. 

An  auctioneer  should  have  the  organ  of  truth  large; 
of  imagination  and  comparison,  considerable;  of  wit, 
great ;  of  benevolence  excessively  large. 

And  how  happy  might  such  a  man  be  and  cause 
others  to  be !  He  should  £o  through  the  world  lau^h- 

O  O  O 

ing,  merry,  observant,  kind-hearted.  He  should  love 
everything  in  the  world,  because  his  profession  regards 
everything.  With  books  of  lighter  literature  (for  I  do 
not  recommend  the  genteel  auctioneer  to  meddle  with 
heavy  antiquarian  and  philological  works)  he  should  be 
elegantly  conversant,  being  able  to  give  a  neat  history 
of  the  author,  a  pretty  sparkling  kind  criticism  of  the 
work,  and  an  appropriate  eulogium  upon  the  binding, 
which  would  make  those  people  read  who  never  read 
before ;  or  buy,  at  least,  which  is  his  first  consideration. 
Of  pictures  we  have  already  spoken.  Of  china,  of 
jewellery,  of  gold-headed  canes,  valuable  arms,  pic 
turesque  antiquities,  with  what  eloquent  entrainement 
might  he  not  speak!  He  feels  every  one  of  these 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  63 

things  in  his  heart.  He  has  all  the  tastes  of  all  the 
fashionable  world.  Dr.  Meyrick  cannot  be  more  enthu 
siastic  about  an  old  suit  of  armour  than  he  ;  Sir  Harris 
Nicolas  not  more  eloquent  regarding-  the  gallant  times 
in  which  it  was  worn,  and  the  brave  histories  connected 
with  it.  He  takes  up  a  pearl  necklace  with  as  much 
delight  as  any  beauty  who  was  sighing  to  wear  it  round 
her  own  snowy  throat,  and  hugs  a  china  monster  with 
as  much  joy  as  the  oldest  duchess  could  do.  Nor  must 
he  affect  these  things;  he  must  feel  them.  He  is  a 
glass  in  which  all  the  tastes  of  fashion  are  reflected. 
He  must  be  every  one  of  the  characters  to  whom  he 
addresses  himself — a  genteel  Goethe  or  Shakespeare, 
a  fashionable  world-spirit. 

How  can  a  man  be  all  this  and  not  be  a  gentleman  ; 
and  not  have  had  an  education  in  the  midst  of  the  best 
company — an  insight  into  their  most  delicate  feelings, 
and  wants,  and  usages  ?  The  pulpit  oratory  of  such  a 
man  would  be  invaluable,  people  would  flock  to  listen 
to  him  from  far  and  near.  He  might  out  of  a  single 
tea- cup  cause  streams  of  world-philosophy  to  flow, 
which  would  be  drunk  in  by  grateful  thousands;  and 
draw  out  of  an  old  pincushion  points  of  wit,  morals, 
and  experience,  that  would  make  a  nation  wise. 

Look  round,  examine  THE  ANNALS  OF  AUCTIONS,  as 
Mr.  Robins  remarks,  and  (with  every  respect  for  him 
and  his  brethren)  say,  is  there  in  the  profession  SUCH  A 
MAN  ?  Do  we  want  such  a  man  ?  Is  such  a  man  likely 
or  not  likely  to  make  an  immense  fortune  ?  Can  we 
get  such  a  man  except  out  of  the  very  best  society,  and 
among  the  most  favoured  there  ? 

Every  body  answers   "No!"     I   knew   you   would 


64 

answer  no.  And  now,  gentlemen  who  have  laughed  at 
my  pretension  to  discover  a  profession,  say,  have  I  not  ? 
I  have  laid  my  finger  upon  the  spot  where  the  social 
deficit  exists.  I  have  shown  that  we  labour  under  a 
want ;  and  when  the  world  wants,  do  we  not  know  that 
A  MAN  WILL  STEP  FORTH  to  fill  the  vacant  space  that 
Fate  has  left  for  him  ?  Pass  we  now  to  the 


SECOND    PROFESSION. 

This  profession,  too,  is  a  great,  lofty,  and  exceptional 
one,  and  discovered  by  me  considering  these  things,  and 
deeply  musing  upon  the  necessities  of  society.  Nor  let 
honourable  gentlemen  imagine  that  I  am  enabled  to 
offer  them  in  this  profession,  more  than  any  other,  a 
promise  of  what  is  called  future  glory,  deathless  fame, 
and  so  forth.  All  that  I  say  is,  that  I  can  put  young 
men  in  the  way  of  making  a  comfortable  livelihood,  and 
leaving  behind  them,  not  a  name,  but,  what  is  better,  a 
decent  maintenance  to  their  children.  Fitz-Boodle  is  as 
good  a  name  as  any  in  England.  General  Fitz-Boodle, 
who,  in  Marlborough's  time,  and  in  conjunction  with  the 
famous  Van  Slaap,  beat  the  French  in  the  famous  action 
of  Vischzouchee,  near  Mardyk,  in  Holland,  on  the  14th 
of  February,  1*709,  is  promised  an  immortality  upon 
his  tomb  in  Westminster  Abbey ;  but  he  died  of  apo 
plexy,  deucedly  in  debt,  two  years  afterwards :  and 
what  after  that  is  the  use  of  a  name  ? 

No,  no ;  the  age  of  chivalry  is  passed.  Take  tha 
twenty-four  first  men  who  come  into  the  club,  and  ask 
who  they  are,  and  how  they  made  their  money? 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  65 


There's  Woolsey-Sackville,  his  father  was  lord-chancel 
lor,  and  sat  on  the  woolsack,  whence  he  took  his  title  ; 
his  grandfather  dealt  in  coal-sacks,  and  not  in  wool 
sacks, — small  coal-sacks,  dribbling  out  little  supplies  of 
black  diamonds  to  the  poor.  Yonder  comes  Frank 
Leveson,  in  a  huge  broad-brimmed  hat,  his  short  cuffs 
turned  up  to  his  elbows.  Leveson  is  as  gentlemanly  a 
fellow  as  the  world  contains,  and  if  he  has  a  fault,  is 
perhaps  too  finikin.  Well,  you  fancy  him  related  to 
the  Sutherland  family  :  nor,  indeed,  does  honest  Frank 
deny  it;  but,  entre  nous,  my  good  sir,  his  father  was  an 
attorney,  and  his  grandfather  a  bailiff  in  Chancery  Lane, 
bearing  a  name  still  older  than  that  of  Leveson,  namely, 
Levy.  So  it  is  that  this  confounded  equality  grows  and 
grows,  and  has  laid  the  good  old  nobility  by  the  heels. 
Look  at  that  venerable  Sir  Charles  Kitely,  of  Kitely 
Park ;  he  is  interested  about  the  Ashantees,  and  has 
just  come  from  Exeter  Hall.  Kitely  discounted  bills  in 
the  City  in  the  year  1787.  and  gained  his  baronetcy  by 
a  loan  to  the  French  princes.  All  these  points  of  his 
tory  are  perfectly  well  known ;  and  do  you  fancy  the 
world  cares  ?  Psha  !  Profession  is  no  disgrace  to  a  man  ; 
be  what  you  like,  provided  you  succeed.  If  Mr.  Faunt- 
leroy  could  come  to  life  with  a  million  of  money,  you 
and  I  would  dine  with  him  ;  you  know  we  would :  for 
why  should  we  be  better  than  our  neighbours? 

Put,  then,  out  of  your  head  the  idea  that  this  or  that 
profession  is  unworthy  of  you  :  take  any  that  may  bring 
you  profit,  and  thank  him  that  puts  you  in  the  way  of 
being  rich. 

The  profession  I  would  urge  (upon  a  person  duly 
qualified  to  undertake  it)  has,  I  confess,  at  the  first 


66  FITZ-BOODLF/S    PROFESSIONS. 

glance,  something  ridiculous  about  it ;  and  will  not 
appear  to  young  ladies  so  romantic  as  the  calling  of  a 
gallant  soldier  blazing  with  glory,  gold  lace,  and  ver 
milion  coats;  or  a  dear  delightful  clergyman,  with  a 
sweet  blue  eye,  and  a  pocket  handkerchief  scented  charm 
ingly  with  lavender-water.  The  profession  I  allude  to 
will,  I  own,  be  to  young  women  disagreeable,  to  sober 
men  trivial,  to  great,  stupid  moralists  unworthy. 

But  mark  my  words  for  it,  that  in  the  religious  world 
(I  have  once  or  twice,  by  mistake  no  doubt,  had  the 
honour  of  dining  in  "serious"  houses,  and  can  vouch 
for  the  fi'ct,  that  the  dinners  there  are  of  excellent 
quality),  in  the  serious  world,  in  the  great  mercantile 
world,  among  the  legal  community  (notorious  feeders), 
in  every  house  in  town  (except  some  half-a-dozen  which 
can  afford  to  do  without  such  aid),  the  man  I  propose 
might  speedily  render  himself  indispensable. 

Does  the  reader  now  begin  to  take  ?  Have  I  hinted 
enough  for  him  that  he  may  see  with  eagle  glance  the 
immense  beauty  of  the  profession  I  am  about  to  unfold 
to  him?  We  have  all  seen  Gunter  and  Chevet ;  Fre- 
goso,  on  the  Puerta  del  Sol  (a  relation  of  the  ex-minis 
ter  Calomarde),  is  a  good  purveyor  enough  for  the 
benighted  ol la-eaters  of  Madrid  ;  nor  have  I  any  fault 
to  find  with  Guimard,  a  Frenchman,  who  has  lately 
set  up  on  the  Piazza  d'Espagna,  at  Naples,  where  he 
furnishes  people  with  decent  food.  It  has  given 
me  pleasure,  too,  in  walking  about  London — in  the 
Strand,  in  Oxford  Street,  and  elsewhere,  to  see  fournis- 
seurs  and  comestible  merchants  newly  set  up.  Messrs. 
Morell  have  good  articles  in  their  warehouses  ;  Fortnum 
and  Mason  are  known  to  most  of  my  readers. 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  67 

But  what  is  not  known,  what  is  wanted,  what  is  lan 
guished  for  in  England  is  a  dinner-master, — a  gentle 
man  who  is  not  a  provider  of  meat  or  wine,  like  the 
parties  before  named, — who  can  have  no  earthly  inter 
est  in  the  price  of  troufled  turkeys  or  dry  champagne 
beyond  that  legitimate  interest  which  lie  may  feel  for 
his  client,  and  which  leads  him  to  see  that  the  latter  is 
not  cheated  by  his  tradesman.  For  the  dinner-giver  is 
almost  naturally  an  ignorant  man.  How  in  mercy's 
name  can  Mr.  Sergeant  Snorter,  who  is  all  day  at  West 
minster,  or  in  chambers,  know  possibly  the  mysteries, 
the  delicacy,  of  dinner-giving?  How  can  Alderman 
Pogson  know  any  thing  beyond  the  fact  that  venison 
is  good  with  currant-jelly,  and  that  he  likes  lots  of 
green  fat  with  his  turtle  ?  Snorter  knows  law,  Pogson 
is  acquainted  with  the  state  of  the  tallow-market ;  but 
what  should  he  know  of  eating,  like  you  and  me,  who 
have  given  up  our  time  to  it  ?  (I  say  me  only  familiarly, 
for  I  have  only  reached  so  far  in  the  science  as  to  know 
that  I  know  nothing.)  But  men  there  are,  gifted  indi 
viduals,  who  have  spent  years  of  deep  thought — not 
merely  intervals  of  labour,  but  hours  of  study  every  day 
— over  the  gormandising  science,* — who,  like  alche 
mists,  have  let  their  fortunes  go,  guinea  by  guinea,  into 
the  all-devouring  pot, — who,  ruined  as  they  sometimes 
are,  never  get  a  guinea  by  chance  but  they  will  have  a 
plate  of  peas  in  May  with  it,  or  a  little  feast  of  ortolans, 

*  The  publisher  has  referred  me  to  an  essay  in  this  Magazine  upon  the 
subject  of  eating  in 'Paris,  by  a  person  of  the  name  of  Tidinarsh,  who  may  be 
a  very  woithy  man  for  aught  I  know  to  the  contrary  ;  but  has.  with  permis 
sion  be  it  spoken,  shown  the  most  lamentable  vulgarity  and  ignorance  in  his 
•writing.  As  for  Nimrod's  "  Cibaria,"  the  barbarity  of  them  is  quite  amaz 
ing.— G.  F.  B. 


68  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

or  a  piece  of  Glo'ster  salmon,  or  one  more  flask  from 
their  favourite  claret-bin. 

It  is  not  the  ruined  gastronomist  that  I  would  advise 
a  person  to  select  as  his  table-master  ;  for  the  opportu 
nities  of  peculation  would  be  too  great  in  a  position  of 
such  confidence — such  complete  abandonment  of  one 
man  to  another.  A  ruined  man  would  be  making  bar 
gains  with  the  tradesmen.  They  would  offer  to  cash 
bills  for  him,  or  send  him  opportune  presents  of  wine, 
which  he  could  convert  into  money,  or  bribe  him  in  one 
way  or  another.  Let  this  be  done,  and  the  profession 
of  table-master  is  ruined.  Snorter  and  Pogson  may 
almost  as  well  order  their  own  dinners,  as  be  at  the 
mercy  of  a  "  gastronomic  agent "  whose  faith  is  not 
beyond  all  question. 

A  vulgar  mind,  in  reply  to  these  remarks  regarding 
the  gastronomic  ignorance  of  Snorter  and  Pogson, 
might  say,  "  True,  these  gentlemen  know  nothing  of 
household  economy,  being  occupied  with  other  more 
important  business  elsewhere.  But  what  are  their  wives 
about?  Lady  Pogson  in  Harley  Street  has  nothing 
earthly  to  do  but  to  mind  her  poodle,  and  her  mantua- 
makers'  and  house-keeper's  bills.  Mrs.  Snorter  in  Bed 
ford  Place,  when  she  has  taken  her  drive  in  the  Park 
with  the  young  ladies,  may  surely  have  time  to  attend 
to  her  husband's  guests  and  preside  over  the  prepara 
tions  of  his  kitchen,  as  she  does  worthily  at  his  hospi 
table  mahogany."  To  this  I  answer,  that  a  man  who 
expects  a  woman  to  understand  the  philosophy  of  dinner- 
giving,  shews  the  strongest  evidence  of  a  low  mind. 
He  is  unjust  towards  that  lovely  and  delicate  creature, 
woman,  to  suppose  that  she  heartily  understands  and 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  69 

cares  for  what  she  eats  and  drinks.  No ;  taken  as  a 
rule,  women  have  no  real  appetites.  They  are  children 
in  the  gormandising  way  ;  loving  sugar,  sops,  tarts, 
trifles,  apricot-creams,  and  such  gewgaws.  They  would 
take  a  sip  of  Malmsey,  and  would  drink  currant-wine 
just  as  happily,  if  that  accursed  liquor  were  presented 
to  them  by  the  butler.  Did  you  ever  know  a  woman 
who  could  lay  her  fair  hand  upon  her  gentle  heart  and 
say  on  her  conscience  that  she  preferred  dry  sillery  to 
sparkling  champagne  ?  Such  a  phenomenon  does  not 
exist.  They  are  not  made  for  eating  and  drinking ; 
or,  if  they  make  a  pretence  to  it,  become  downright 
odious.  Nor  can  they,  I  am  sure,  witness  the  prepara 
tions  of  a  really  great  repast  without  a  certain  jealousy. 
They  grudge  spending  money  (ask  guards,  coachmen, 
inn-waiters,  whether  this  be  not  the  case).  They  will 
give  their  all,  Heaven  bless  them !  to  serve  a  son,  a 
grandson,  or  a  dear  relative,  but  they  have  not  the 
heart  to  pay  for  small  things  magnificently.  They  are 
jealous  of  good  dinners,  and  no  wonder.  I  have  shewn 
in  a  former  discourse  how  they  are  jealous  of  smoking, 
and  other  personal  enjoyments  of  the  male.  I  say, 
then,  that  Lady  Pogson  or  Mrs.  Snorter  can  never  con 
duct  their  husbands'  table  properly.  Fancy  either  of 
them  consenting  to  allow  a  calf  to  be  stewed  down  into 
gravy  for  one  dish,  or  a  dozen  hares  to  be  sacrificed  to 
a  single  puree  of  game,  or  the  best  Madeira  to  be  used 
for  a  sauce,  or  half-a-dozen  champagne  to  boil  a  ham 
in.  They  will  be  for  bringing  a  bottle  of  Marsala  in 
place  of  the  old  particular,  or  for  having  the  ham  cooked 
in  water.  But  of  these  matters — of  kitchen  philosophy 
— I  have  n®  practical  or  theoretic  knowledge ;  and  must 


70  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

beg  pardon  if,  only  understanding  the  goodness  of  a 
dish  when  cooked,  I  may  have  unconsciously  made  some 
blunder  regarding  the  preparation. 

Let  it,  then,  be  set  down  as  an  axiom,  without  further 
trouble  of  demonstration,  that  a  woman  is  a  bad  dinner- 
caterer  ;  either  too  great  and  simple  for  it,  or  too  mean 
— I  don't  know  which  it  is ;  and  gentlemen  accordingly 
as  they  admire  or  contemn  the  sex,  may  settle  that 
matter  their  own  way.  In  brief,  the  mental  constitution 
of  lovely  woman  is  such  that  she  cannot  give  a  great 
dinner.  It  must  be  done  by  a  man.  It  can't  be  done 
by  an  ordinary  man,  because  he  does  not  understand  it. 
Vain  fool!  and  he  sends  off  to  the  pastry-cook  in 
Great  Russell  Street  or  Baker  Street,  he  lays  on  a 
couple  of  extra  waiters  (green-grocers  in  the  neighbour 
hood),  he  makes  a  great  pother  with  his  butler  in  the 
cellar,  and  fancies  he  has  done  the  business. 

Bon  Dleii  !  Who  has  not  been  at  those  dinners  ? — 
those  monstrous  exhibitions  of  the  pastry-cook's  art? 
Who  does  not  know  those  made-dishes  with  the  univer 
sal  sauce  to  each,  fricandeaux,  sweet-breads,  damp 
dumpy  cutlets,  <fec.,  seasoned  with  the  compound  of 
grease,  onions,  bad  port  wine,  cayenne-pepper,  currie- 
powder  (Warren's  blacking,  for  what  I  know,  but  the 
taste  is  always  the  same) — there  they  lie  in  the  old 
corner-dishes,  the  poor  wiry  Moselle  and  sparkling  Bur 
gundy  in  the  ice-coolers,  and  the  old  story  of  white  and 
brown  soup,  'turbot,  little  smelts,  boiled  turkey,  saddle 
of  mutton,  and  so  forth  ?  "  Try  a  little  of  that  frican- 
deau,"  says  Mrs.  Snorter,  with  a  kind  smile ;  "  you'll  find 
it,  I  think,  very  nice ;"  be  sure  it  has  come  in  a  green 
tray  from  Great  Russell  Street.  "  Mr.  Fitz-Boodle,  you 


FITZ-BOODLES    PROFESSIONS.  71 

have  been  in  Germany,"  cries  Snorter,  knowingly; 
"taste  the  hock,  and  tell  me  what  you  think  of  that" 

How  should  he  know  better,  poor  benighted  creature  ; 
or  she,  dear  good  soul  that  she  is  ?  If  they  would  have 
a  leg  of  mutton,  and  an  apple  pudding,  and  a  glass  of 
sherry  and  port  (or  simple  brandy  and  water  called  by 
its  own  name)  after  dinner,  all  would  be  very  well ;  but 
they  must  shine,  they  must  dine  as  their  neighbours. 
There  is  no  difference  (as  I  have  heard  an  excellent 
observer  of  human  nature  remark,  the  man  who  I  don't 
care  to  own  first  opened  my  eyes  to  cookery) — there 
is  no  difference  in  the  style  of  dinners  in  London ;  peo 
ple  with  five  hundred  a-year  treat  you  exactly  as  those 
of  five  thousand.  They  will  have  their  Moselle  or 
Hock,  their  fatal  side-dishes  brought  in  the  green  trays 
from  the  pastry-cooks. 

Well,  there  is  no  harm  done ;  not  as  regards  the 
dinner-givers  at  least,  though  the  dinner-eaters  may 
have  to  suffer  somewhat ;  it  only  shows  that  the  former 
are  hospitably  inclined,  and  wish  to  do  the  very  best  in 
their  power, — good  honest  fellows  !  If  they  do  wrong, 
how  can  they  help  it  ?  they  know  no  better. 

And  now,  is  it  not  as  clear  as  the  sun  at  noon-day, 
that  A  WANT  exists  in  London  for  a  superintendent  of 
the  table — a  gastronomic  agent — a  dinner-master,  as  I 
have  called  him  before  ?  A  man  of  such  a  profession 
would  be  a  metropolitan  benefit ;  hundreds  of  thousands 
of  people  of  the  respectable  sort,  people  in  white  waist 
coats,  would  thank  him  daily.  Calculate  how  many 
dinners  are  given  in  the  City  of  London,  and  calculate 
the  numbers  of  benedictions  that  "  the  Agency"  might 
win. 


72  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

And  as  no  doubt  the  observant  man  of  the  world  has 
remarked,  that  the  freeborn  Englishman  of  the  respect 
able  class  is,  of  all  others,  the  most  slavish  and  truckling 
to  a  Lord ;  that  there  is  no  fly-blown  peer  but  he  is 
pleased  to  have  him  at  his  table,  proud  beyond  measure 
to  call  him  by  his  surname  (without  the  lordly  prefix) ; 
and  that  of  those  lords  whom  he  does  not  know,  he  yet 
(the  free-born  Englishman)  takes  care  to  have  their  pedi 
grees  and  ages  by  heart  from  his  world-bible,  the  peer 
age:  as  this  is  an  indisputable  fact,  and  as  it  is  in  this 
particular  class  of  Britons  that  our  agent  must  look  to 
find  clients,  I  need  not  say  it  is  necessary  that  the  agent 
should  be  as  high-born  as  possible,  and  that  he  should 
be  able  to  tack,  if  possible,  an  honourable  or  some 
other  handle  to  his  respectable  name.  He  must  have 
it  on  his  card 


^ononrablc  (George  (Sormanb 

Eptctan  <£fjamfor£,  ^all  JHall. 


Or, 


Sir  &ngusttts  Catuer  Cramlqi 

©fitte,  ^ioalloto  5j>trtet. 


Or  in  some  such  neat  way,  Gothic  letters  on  a  large 
handsome  crockery-ware  card,  with  possibly  a  gilt  coat 
of  arms  and  supporters,  or  the  blood-red  hand  of  baron 
etcy  duly  displayed  ;  depend  on  it  plenty  of  guineas  will 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  73 

fall  in  it,  and  that  Guttlcton's  supporters  will  support 
him  comfortably  enough. 

For  this  profession  is  not  like  that  of  the  auctioneer, 
which  I  take  to  be  a  far  more  noble  one,  because  more 
varied  and  more  truthful  :  but  in  the  Agency  case,  a 
little  humbug  at  least  is  necessary.  A  man  cannot  be 
a  successful  agent  by  the  mere  force  of  his  simple  merit 
or  genius  in  eating  and  drinking.  He  must  of  necessity 
impose  upon  the  vulgar  to  a  certain  degree.  He  must 
be  of  that  rank  which  will  lead  them  naturally  to  respect 
him,  otherwise  they  might  be  led  to  jeer  at  his  profes 
sion  ;  but  let  a  noble  exercise  it,  and  bless  your  soul,  all 
the  court-guide  is  dumb  ! 

He  will  then  give  out  in  a  manly  and  somewhat 
pompous  address  what  has  before  been  mentioned, 
namely,  that  he  has  seen  the  fatal  way  in  which  the 
hospitality  of  England  has  been  perverted  hitherto, 
accaparcd  by  a  few  cooks  with  green  trays.  (He  must 
use  a  good  deal  of  French  in  his  language,  for  that  is 
considered  very  gentlemanlike  by  vulgar  people.)  He 
will  take  a  set  of  chambers  in  Carlton  Gardens,  which 
will  be  richly  though  severely  furnished,  and  the  door 
of  which  will  be  opened  by  a  French  valet  (he  must  be 
a  Frenchman,  remember),  who  will  say,  on  letting  Mr. 
Snorter  or  Sir  Benjamin  Pogson  in,  that  "  Milor  is  at 
home."  Pogson  will  then  be  shown  into  a  library  fur 
nished  with  massive  book-cases  containing  all  the  works 
on  cookery  and  wines  (the  titles  of  them)  in  all  the 
known  languages  in  the  world.  Any  books,  of  course,  will 
do,  as  you  will  have  them  handsomely  bound,  and  keep 
them  under  plate  glass.  On  a  side-table  will  be  little 
sample-bottles  of  wines,  a  few  troufles  on  a  white  porce- 
4 


74 

lain  saucer,  a  prodigious  strawberry  or  two,  perhaps,  at 
the  time  when  such  fruit  costs  much  money.  On  the 
library  will  be  busts  marked  UDE,  CAREME,  BECHAMEL, 
in  marble  (never  mind  what  heads  of  course) ;  and, 
perhaps,  on  the  clock  should  be  a  figure  of  the  Prince 
of  Conde's  cook  killing  himself  because  the  fish  had  not 
arrived  in  time  ;  there  may  be  a  wreath  of  immortels  on 
the  figure  to  give  it  a  more  decidedly  Frenchified  air. 
The  walls  will  be  of  a  dark  rich  paper,  hung  round  with 
neat  gilt  frames  containing  plans  of  menus  of  various 
great  dinners,  those  of  Cambaceres,  Napoleon,  Louis 
XIV.,  Louis  XVIII.,  Heliogabalus,  if  you  like,  each 
signed  by  the  respective  cook. 

After  the  stranger  has  looked  about  him  at  these 
things,  which  he  does  not  understand  in  the  least,  espe 
cially  the  troufles  which  look  like  dirty  potatoes,  you 
will  make  your  appearance,  dressed  in  a  dark  dress 
with  one  handsome  enormous  gold  chain,  and  one  large 
diamond  ring ;  a  gold  snuff-box,  of  course,  which  you 
will  thrust  into  the  visitor's  paw  before  saying  a  word. 
You  will  be  yourself  a  portly  grave  man,  with  your 
hair  a  little  bald  and  grey.  In  fact,  in  this  as  in  all 
other  professions,  you  had  best  try  to  look  as  like  Can 
ning  as  you  can. 

When  Pogson  has  done  sneezing  with  the  snuff,  you 
will  say  to  him,  "  Take  a  fauteuil ;  I  have  the  honour 
of  addressing  Mr.  Pogson,  I  believe  ?"  And  then  you 
will  explain  to  him  your  system. 

This,  of  course,  must  vary  with  every  person  you 
address.  But  let  us  lay  down  a  few  of  the  heads  of  a 
plan  which  may  be  useful,  or  may  be  modified  infinitely 
or  may  be  cast  aside  altogether  just  as  circumstances 


75 

dictate.  After  all  /  am  not  going  to  turn  gastronomic 
agent,  and  speak  only  for  the  benefit  perhaps  of  the 
very  person  who  is  reading  this. 


SYNOPSIS    OF    THE    GASTRONOMIC    AGENCY    OF    THE 
HONOURABLE    GEORGE    GUTTLETON. 

The  Gastronomic  Agent  having  traversed  Europe; 
and  dined  with  the  best  society  of  the  world,  has  been 
led  naturally,  as  a  patriot,  to  turn  his  thought  home 
ward,  and  cannot  but  deplore  the  lamentable  ignorance 
regarding  gastronomy  displayed  in  a  country  for  which 
Nature  has  done  almost  every  thing. 

But  it  is  ever  singularly  thus.  Inherent  ignorance 
belongs  to  man,  and  The  Agent,  in  his  Continental 
travels,  has  always  remarked,  that  the  countries  most 
fertile  in  themselves  were  invariably  worse  tilled  than 
those  more  barren.  The  Italians  and  the  Spaniards 
leave  their  fields  to  Nature,  as  we  leave  our  vegetables, 
fish,  and  meat.  And,  Heavens !  what  richness  do  we 
fling  away, — what  dormant  qualities  in  our  dishes  do 
we  disregard, — what  glorious  gastronomic  crops  (if  The 
Agent  may  be  permitted  the  expression),  what  glorious 
gastronomic  crops  do  we  sacrifice,  allowing  our  goodly 
meats  and  fishes  to  lie  fallow  !  "  Chance,"  it  is  said  by 
an  ingenious  historian,  who,  having  been  long  a  secre 
tary  in  the  East  India  House,  must  certainly  have  had 
access  to  the  best  information  upon  Eastern  matters, 
"  Chance,"  it  is  said  by  Mr.  Charles  Lamb,  "  which 
burnt  down  a  Chinaman's  house,  with  a  litter  of  suck 
ing  pigs  that  were  unable  to  escape  from  the  interior, 


76 

discovered  to  the  world  the  excellence  of  ROAST  PIG." 
Gunpowder,  we  know,  was  invented  by  a  similar  fortuity. 
[The  reader  will  observe  that  my  style  in  the  supposed 
character  of  a  Gastronomic  Agent  is  purposely  pompons 
and  loud.]  So,  'tis  said,  was  printing, — so  glass.  We 
should  have  drunk  our  wine  poisoned  with  the  villa- 
nous  odour  of  the  borachio,  had  riot  some  Eastern  mer 
chants,  lighting  their  fires  in  the  desert,  marked  the 
strange  composition  which  now  glitters  on  our  sideboard, 
and  holds  the  costly  produce  of  our  vines. 

We  have  spoken  of  the  natural  riches  of  a  country. 
Let  the  reader  think  but  for  one  moment  of  the  gastro 
nomic  wealth  of  our  country  of  England,  and  he  will 
be  lost  in  thankful  amazement  as  he  watches  the  asto 
nishing  riches  poured  out  upon  us  from  Nature's  boun 
teous  cornucopia !  Look  at  our  fisheries  ! — the  trout 
and  salmon  tossing  in  our  brawling  streams ;  the  white 
and  full  breasted  turbot  struggling  in  the  mariner's  net ; 
the  purple  lobster  lured  by  hopes  of  greed  into  his  bas 
ket-prison,  which  he  quits  only  for  the  red  ordeal  of  the 
pot.  Look  at  white-bait,  great  Heavens ! — look  at 
white-bait,  and  a  thousand  frisking,  glittering,  silvery 
things  beside,  which  the  nymphs  of  our  native  streams 
bear  kindly  to  the  deities  of  our  kitchens — our  kitchens 
such  as  they  are. 

And  though  it  may  be  said,  that  other  countries  pro 
duce  the  freckle-backed  salmon  and  the  dark  broad- 
shouldered  turbot;  though  trout  frequent  many  a 
stream  besides  those  of  England,  and  lobsters  sprawl  on 
other  sands  but  ours ;  yet,  let  it  be  remembered,  that 
OUR  NATIVE  COUNTRY  possesses  those  altogether,  while 
other  lands  only  know  them  separately  ;  that,  above  all, 


FITZ-BOODLE'S   PROFESSIONS.  77 

WHITE-BAIT  is  peculiarly  our  country's, — OUR  CITY'S 
own  !  Blessings  and  eternal  praises  be  on  it,  and,  of 
course,  on  brown  bread  and  butter !  And  the  Briton 
should  further  remember,  with  honest  pride  and  thank 
fulness,  the  situation  of  his  capital,  of  London  :  the 
lordly  turtle  floats  from  the  sea  into  the  stream,  and 
from  the  stream  to  the  city ;  the  rapid  fleets  of  all  the 
world,  se  donnent  rendezvous,  in  the  docks  of  our  silver 
Thames  ;  the  produce  of  our  coasts  and  provincial  cities, 
east  and  west,  is  borne  to  us  on  the  swift  lines  of  light 
ning  railroads.  In  a  word, — and  no  man  but  one  who, 
like  The  Agent,  has  travelled  Europe  over,  can  appre 
ciate  the  gift — there  is  no  city  on  earth's  surface  so 
WELL  SUPPLIED  WITH  FISH  as  London  ! 

With  respect  to  our  meats,  all  praise  is  supereroga 
tory.  Ask  the  wretched  hunter  of  chevreuil,  the  poor 
devourer  of  rehbratev,  what  they  think  of  the  noble 
English  haunch,  that,  after  bounding  in  the  Park  of 
Knole  or  Windsor,  exposes  its  magnificent  flank  upon 
some  broad  silver  platter  at  our  tables  ?  It  is  enough 
to  say  of  foreign  venison,  that  they  are  obliged  1o  lard 
it.  Away  !  ours  is  the  palm  of  roast ;  whether  of  the 
crisp  mutton  that  crops  the  thymy  herbage  of  our 
downs,  or  the  noble  ox  who  revels  on  lush  Althorpian 
oil-cakes.  What  game  is  like  to  ours  ?  Mans  excels 
us  in  poultry,  'tis  true,  but  'tis  only  in  merry  England 
that  the  partridge  has  a  flavour,  that  the  turkey  can 
almost  se  passer  de  truffes,  that  the  jolly  juicy  goose 
can  be  eaten  as  he  deserves. 

Our  vegetables,  moreover,  surpass  all  comment;  Art 
(by  the  means  of  glass)  has  wrung  fruit  out  of  the 
bosom  of  Nature,  such  as  she  grants  to  no  other  clime. 


78  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 


And  if  we  have  no  vineyards  on  our  hills,  we  have  gold 
to  purchase  their  best  produce.  Nature,  and  enterprise 
that  masters  Nature,  have  done  every  thing  for  our 
land. 

But,  with  all  these  prodigious  riches  in  our  power,  is 
it  not  painful  to  reflect  how  absurdly  we  employ  them  ? 
Can  we  say  that  we  are  in  the  habit  of  DINING  WELL  ? 
Alas,  no !  and  The  Agent,  roaming  o'er  foreign  lands, 
and  seeing  how,  with  small  means  and  great  ingenuity 
and  perseverance,  great  ends  were  effected,  comes  back 
sadly  to  his  own  country,  whose  wealth  he  sees  absurdly 
wasted,  whose  energies  are  misdirected,  and  whose  vast 
capabilities  are  allowed  to  lie  idle.  *  *  *  [Here 
should  follow  what  I  have  only  hinted  at  previously,  a 
vivid  and  terrible  picture  of  the  degradation  of  our 
table.]  *  *  *  0,  for  a  master  spirit,  to  give  an 
impetus  to  the  land,  to-  see  its  great  power  directed  in 
the  right  way,  and  its  wealth  not  squandered  or  hidden, 
but  nobly  put  out  to  interest  and  spent ! 

The  Agent  dares  not  hope  to  win  that  proud  station 
- — to  be  the  destroyer  of  a  barbarous  system  wallowing 
in  abusive  prodigality — to  become  a  dietetic  reformer — 
the  Luther  of  the  table. 

But  convinced  of  the  wrongs  which  exist,  he  will  do 
his  humble  endeavour  to  set  them  right,  and  to  those 
who  know  that  they  are  ignorant  (and  this  is  a  vast 
step  to  knowledge)  he  offers  his  counsels,  his  active  co 
operation,  his  frank  and  kindly  sympathy.  The  Agent's 
qualifications  are  these  : — 

1.  He  is  of  one  of  the  best  families  in  England,  and 
has  in  himself,  or  through  his  ancestors,  been  accus 
tomed  to  good  living  for  centuries.  In  the  reign  of 


79 

Henry  V.,  his  maternal  great-great-grandfather,  Roger 
de  Gotylton  [the  name  may  be  varied,  of  course,  or  the 
Icing's  reign,  or  the  dish  invented],  was  the  first  who 
discovered  the  method  of  roasting  a  peacock  whole, 
with  its  tail-feathers  displayed  ;  and  the  dish  was  served 
to  the  two  kings  at  Rouen.  Sir  Walter  Crarnley,  in. 
Elizabeth's  reign,  produced  before  her  majesty,  when  at 
Killingworth  Castle,  mackerel  with  the  famous  goose 
berry  sauce,  &c. 

2.  He  has,  through  life,  devoted  himself  to  no  other 
study  than  that  of  the  table  ;  and  has  visited  to  that 
end  the  courts  of  all  the  monarchs  of  Europe  :  taking 
the  receipts  of  the  cooks,  with  whom  he  lives  on  terms 
of  intimate  friendship,  often  at  an  enormous  expense  to 
himself. 

3.  He  has  the  same  acquaintance  with  all  the  vin 
tages  of  the  Continent ;  having  passed  the  autumn  of 
1811   (the    cornet   year)   on   the   great  Weinberg  of 
Johannisberg ;  being  employed  similarly  at  Bordeaux, 
in  1836;    at  Oporto,  in  1822;    and  at  Xeres  de  la 
Frontera,  with  his  excellent  friends,  Duff,  Gordon,  and 
Co.,  the  year  after.     He  travelled  to  India  and  back  in 
company  with  fourteen  pipes  of  Madeira  (on  board  of 
the  Samuel   Snob,  East  Indiaman,  Captain   Scuttler), 
and  spent  the  vintage  season  in  the  island,  with   unli 
mited  powers  of  observation  granted  to  him  by  the  great 
houses  there. 

4.  He  has  attended  Mr.  Groves  of  Charing  Cross,  and 
Mr.  Giblett  of  Bond  Street,  in  a  course  of  purchases  of 
fish  and  meat ;  and  is  able  at  a  glance  to  recognise  the 
age  of  mutton,  the  primeness  of  beef,  the  firmness  and 
freshness  of  fish  of  all  kinds. 


80  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

5.  He  lias  visited  the  Parks,  the  grouse-manors,  and 
the  principal  gardens  of  England,  in  a  similar  profes 
sional  point  of  view. 

The  Agent  then,  through  his  subordinates,  engages 
to  provide  gentlemen  who  are  about  to  give  dinner 
parties — 

1.  With  cooks  to  dress  the  dinners  ;  a  list  of  which 
gentlemen  he  has  by  him,  and  will  recommend  none 
who  are  not  worthy  of  the  strictest  confidence. 

2.  With  a  menu  for  the  table,  according  to  the  price 
which  the  Amphitryon  chooses  to  incur. 

3.  He  will,  through   correspondences    with  the  vari 
ous  fournisseurs  of  the  metropolis,  provide  them  with 
viands,  fruit,  wine,  &c.,  sending  to  Paris,  if  need  be, 
where  he  has   a  regular   correspondence  with  Messrs. 
Chevet. 

4.  He   has    a    list    of    dexterous   table-waiters    (all 
answering  to  the  name  of  John  for  fear  of  mistakes,  the 
butler's  name  to  be  settled  according  to  pleasure),  and 
would  strongly  recommend  that  the  servants  of  the 
house  should  be  locked  in  the  back-kitchen  or  servants' 
hall  during  the  time  that  the  dinner  takes  place. 

5.  He  will  receive  and  examine  all  the  accounts  of 
the  fournisseurs, — of  course  pledging  his  honour  as  a 
gentleman  not  to  receive  one  shilling  of  paltry  grati 
fication  from  the  tradesmen  he  employs,  but  to  see  that 
their  bills  are  more  moderate,  and  their  goods  of  better 
quality,  than  they  would  provide  to  any  person  of  less 
experience  than  himself. 

6.  His  fee  for  superintending  a  dinner  will  be  five 

s:  and  The  Ao-eiit  entreats   his  clients  to  trust 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFKSSIONS.  81 

entirely  to  him  and  his  subordinates  for  the  arrange 
ment  of  the  repast, — not  to  think  of  inserting  dishes  of 
their  own  invention,  or  producing  wine  from  their  own 
cellars,  as  he  engages  to  have  it  brought  in  the  best 
order,  and  fit  for  immediate  drinking.  Should  the 
Amphitryon,  however,  desire  some  particular  dish  or 
wine,  he  must  consult  The  Agent,  in  the  first  case  by 
writing,  in  the  second,  by  sending  a  sample  to  The 
Agent's  chambers.  For  it  is  manifest  that  the  whole 
complexion  of  a  dinner  may  be  altered  by  the  insertion 
of  a  single  dish  ;  and,  therefore,  parties  will  do  well  to 
mention  their  wishes  on  the  first  interview  with  The 
Agent.  He  cannot  be  called  upon  to  recompose  his 
bill  of  fare,  except  at  great  risk  to  the  ensemble  of  the 
dinner  and  enormous  inconvenience  to  himself. 

7.  The  Agent  will  be  at  home  for  consultation  from 
ten  o'clock  until  two, — earlier,   if  gentlemen  who  are 
engaged  at  early  hours  in  the  City  desire  to  have  an 
interview ;  and  be  it  remembered  that  a  personal  in 
terview  is  always  the  best :  for  it  is  greatly  necessary 
to  know  not  only  the  number  but  the  character  of  the 
guests  whom  the  Amphitryon  proposes  to  entertain, — 
whether  they  are  fond  of  any  particular  wine  or  dish, 
what   is    their   state    of   health,    rank,    style,   profes 
sion,  &c. 

8.  At  two  o'clock,  he  will  commence  his  rounds ;  for 
as  the  metropolis  is  wide,  it  is  clear  that  he  must  be 
early  in  the  field  in  some  districts.     From  2  to  3,  he 
will  be  in  Russell  Square  and  the  neighbourhood  ;  3  to 
3£,  Harley  Street,  Portland  Place,  Cavendish  Square, 
and  the  environs ;    3|  to  4^,  Portman  Square,  Glou 
cester  Place,  Baker  Street,  &c. ;  4|  to  5,  the  new  dis- 

4* 


32 

trict  about  Hyde  Park  Terrace ;  5  to  5f  St.  John's 
Wood  and  the  Regent's  Park.  He  will  be  in  Gros- 
venor  Square  by  6,  and  in  Belgrave  Square,  Pimlico, 
and  its  vicinity,  by  7.  Parties  there  are  requested  not 
to  dine  until  8  o'clock ;  and  The  Agent,  once  for  all, 
peremptorily  announces  that  he  will  NOT  go  to  the 
palace,  where  it  is  utterly  impossible  to  serve  a  good 
dinner. 

TO    TRADESMEN. 

Every  Monday  evening  during  the  season  the  Gastro 
nomic  Agent  proposes  to  give  a  series  of  trial-dinners, 
to  which  the  principal  gourmands  of  the  metropolis, 
and  a  few  of  The  Agent's  most  respectable  clients,  will 
be  invited.  Covers  will  be  laid  for  ten  at  nine  o'clock 
precisely.  And  as  The  Agent  does  not  propose  to  exact 
a  single  shilling  of  profit  from  their  bills,  and  as  his 
recommendation  will  be  of  infinite  value  to  them,  the 
tradesmen  he  employs  will  furnish  the  weekly  dinner 
gratis.  Cooks  will  attend  (who  have  acknowledged 
characters)  upon  the  same  terms.  To  save  trouble,  a 
book  will  be  kept  where  butchers,  poulterers,  fish 
mongers,  &c.,  may  inscribe  their  names  in  order,  taking 
it  by  turns  to  supply  the  trial-table.  Wine  merchants 
will  naturally  compete  every  week  promiscuously,  send' 
ing  what  they  consider  their  best  samples,  and  leaving 
with  the  hall-porter  tickets  of  the  prices.  Confectionery 
feo  be  done  out  of  the  house.  Fruiterers,  market-men, 
ns  butchers  and  poulterers.  The  Agent's  maitre  cfhotel 
will  give  a  receipt  to  each  individual  for  the  articles  he 
produces ;  and  let  all  remember  that  The  Agent  is  a  - 


83 

very  keen  judye,  and  woe  betide  those  who  serve  him 
or  his  clients  ill ! 

GEORGE  GORMAND  GDTTLETON. 
Carlton  Gardens,  June  10,  1842. 

Here  I  have  sketched  out  the  heads  of  such  an 
address  as  I  conceive  a  gastronomic  agent  might  put 
forth  ;  and  appeal  pretty  confidently  to  the  British  pub 
lic  regarding  its  merits  and  my  own  discovery.  If  this 
be  not  a  profession — a  new  one — a  feasible  one — a 
lucrative  one, — I  don't  know  what  is.  Say  that  a  man 
attends  but  fifteen  dinners  daily,  that  is  seventy-five 
guineas,  or  five  hundred  and  fifty  pounds  weekly,  or 
fourteen  thousand  three  hundred  pounds  for  a  season 
of  six  months  :  and  how  many  of  our  younger  sons 
have  such  a  capital  even  ?  Let,  then,  some  unemployed 
gentleman  with  the  requisite  qualifications  come  for 
ward.  It  will  not  be  necessary  that  he  should  have 
done  all  that  is  stated  in  the  prospectus  ;  but,  at  any 
rate,  let  him  say  he  has :  there  can't  be  much  harm  in 
an  innocent  fib  of  that  sort ;  for  the  gastronomic  agent 
must  be  a  sort  of  dinner-pope,  whose  opinions  cannot 
be  supposed  to  err. 

And  as  he  really  will  be  an  excellent  judge  of  eating 
and  drinking,  and  will  bring  his  whole  mind  to  bear 
upon  the  question,  and  will  speedily  acquire  an  experi 
ence  which  no  person  out  of  the  profession  can  possibly 
have  ;  and  as,  moreover,  he  will  be  an  honourable  man, 
not  practising  upon  his  client  in  any  way,  or  demand 
ing  sixpence  beyond  his  just  fee,  the  world  will  gain 
vastly  by  the  coming  forward  of  such  a  person, — gain 
in  good  dinners,  and  absolutely  save  money ;  for  what 


84  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 


is  five  guineas  for  a  dinner  of  sixteen  ?  The  sum  may 
be  gaspille  by  a  cook-wench,  or  by  one  of  those 
abominable  before-named  pastry-cooks,  with  their  green 
trays. 

If  any  man  take  up  the  business,  he  will  invite  me, 
of  course,  to  the  Monday  dinners.  Or  does  ingratitude 
go  so  far  as  that  a  man  should  forget  the  author  of  his 
good  fortune  ?  I  -believe  it  does.  Turn  we  away  from 
the  sickening  theme,  and  let  us  say  a  few  words  re 
garding  my 

THIRD    PROFESSION. 

The  last  profession  is  one  in  all  respects  inferior  to 
the  two  preceding — is  merely  temporary,  whereas  they 
are  for  life ;  but  has  this  advantage,  that  it  may  be 
exercised  by  the  vulgarest  man  in  Europe,  and  requires 
not  the  least  previous  experience  or  education. 

It  is  better,  unluckily,  for  a  foreigner  than  an  Eng 
lishman  ;  but  the  latter  may  easily  adopt  it,  if  he  have 
any  American  relations,  or  if  lie  choose  to  call  himself 
a  citizen  of  the  great  republic.  In  fact,  this  profession 
simply  consists  in  being  a  foreigner. 

You  may  be  ever  so  illiterate  and  low-bred,  and  you 
are  all  the  better  for  the  profession.  Your  worst  social 
.qualities  will  stand  you  in  stead.  You  should,  to  practise 
properly,  be  curious,  talkative,  abominably  impudent, 
and  forward.  You  should  never  be  rebuffed  because 
people  turn  their  backs  on  you,  but  should  attack  them 
again  and  again  ;  and,  depend  upon  it,  that  if  you  are 
determined  to  know  a  man,  he  will  end,  out  of  mere 
weariness,  by  admitting  you  to  his  acquaintance. 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  85 

Say  that  you  have  met  a  person  once  at  a  cafe,  or 
tavern,  and  that  you  do  not  know  one  single  English 
man  in  the  world  (except  the  tradesmen  in  the  nameless 
quarter  where  you  were  born)  but  this,  some  young 
fellow  from  college  probably,  who  is  spending  his 
vacation  abroad.  Well,  you  know  this  man,  and  it  is 
enough.  Ask  him  at  once  for  letters  of  introduction : 
say  that  you  are  a  young  American  (for  I  presume  the 
reader  is  an  Englishman,  and  this  character  he  can 
therefore  assume  more  readily  than  any  other)  wishing 
to  travel,  and  ask  him  for  letters  to  his  family  in 
England.  He  hums  and  ha's,  and  says  he  will  send 
them.  Nonsense !  call  the  waiter  to  bring  pens,  ink, 
and  paper ;  lay  them  laughingly  before  your  friend  ; 
say  that  now  is  the  best  time,  and  almost  certainly  you 
will  have  the  letters.  He  can't  abuse  you  in  the  notes, 
because  you  are  looking  over  his  shoulder.  The  two 
or  three  first  men  upon  whom  you  make  the  attempt 
may  say  that  you  may  go  to  the  deuce,  and  threaten  to 
kick  you  out  of 'the  room  ; — but  'tis  against  the  chances, 
this  sort  of  ferocity.  Men  are  rather  soft  than  spirited ; 
and  if  they  be  spirited,  you  have  only  to  wait  until  you 
find  a  soft  one. 

It  will  be  as  well,  perhaps,  while  making  the  demand 
upon  your  friend  in  the  cafe,  to  produce  a  series  of 

letters  directed  to  the  Marquess  of  L e,  the  Duke  of 

D ,  Mr.  R the  poet,  Mr.  C.  K ,  the  eminent 

iictor  now  retired,  and  other  distinguished  literary  or 
fashionable  persons,  saying  that  your  friends  in  America 
have  already  supplied  you  with  these,  but  that  you  want 
chiefly  introductions  to  private  families,  to  see  "  the 
homes  of  England  ;"  and  as  Englishmen  respect  lords 


86  FITZ-COODI.E'S  PROFESSIONS. 


(see  remarks  in  Profession  II.),  most  likely  your  young 
cafe  acquaintance  will  be  dazzled  by  tlie  sight  of  these 
addresses,  and  will  give  you  letters  the  more  willingly, 
saying  to  himself,  "  Who  knows,  egad,  but  that  this 

American  may  get  my  sisters  to  L House  ?"     One 

way  or  the  other,  you  will  be  sure  to  end  by  having  a 
letter — a  real  letter ;  and  as  for  those  you  have  written, 
why,  upon  my  honour,  I  do  not  think  that  you  can  do 
better  than  present  some  of  them  on  the  chance  ;  for 
the  Duke  and  the  Marquess  receive  so  many  people  at 
their  houses,  that  they  cannot  be  expected  to  remember 
all  their  names.  Write,  then,  bravely  at  once — 

To  his  Grace  the  Duke  of  Dorsetshire,  K.  Gr.     London. 

Twenty-one  Street,  Boston,  May  1842. 

My  dear  Duke, — In  the  friendly  hospitality  which 
you  exercised  towards  me  on  my  last  visit  to  London,  I 
am  fain  to  hope  that  you  looked  somewhat  to  my 
character  as  an  individual,  as  well  as  to  my  quality  as 
a  citizen  of  the  greatest  country  in  the  world :  I,  for 
my  part,  have  always  retained  the  warmest  regard  for 
you,  and  shall  be  happy  to  see  you  any  time  you  come 
our  way. 

Assuming,  I  am  sure  justifiably,  that  your  repeated 
assurances  of  regard  were  sincere  (for  I  do  not  consider 
you  as  false,  as  I  found  the  rest  of  the  English  nobility), 
I  send,  to  be  under  your  special  protection  whilst  in 
London,  my  dear  young  friend,  Nahuin  Hodge,  distin 
guished  among  us  as  a  patriot  and  a  poet ;  in  the  first 
of  which  capacities  he  burned  several  farm-houses  in 
Canada  last  fall,  and,  in  the  latter,  has  produced  his 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  87 

celebrated  work,  "  The  Bellowings  of  the  Buffalo," 
printed  at  Buffalo,  New  York,  by  Messrs.  Bowie  and 
Cutler,  and  which  are  far  superior  to  any  poems  ever 
produced  in  the  old  country.  Relying  upon  our 
acquaintance,  I  have  put  down  your  name,  my  dear 
Duke,  as  a  subscriber  for  six  copies,  and  will  beg  you 
to  hand  over  to  my  young  friend  Nahum  twelve 
dollars — the  price. 

He  is  a  modest,  retiring  young  man,  as  most  of  our 
young  republicans  are,  and  will  want  to  be  urged  and 
pushed  forward  into  good  society.  This,  my  dear 
fellow,  I  am  sure  you  will  do  for  me.  Ask  him  as  often 
as  you  can  to  dinner,  and  present  hirn  at  the  best 
houses  you  can  in  London.  I  have  written  to  the 
Marquess  of  Sandown,  reminding  him  of  our  acquain 
tance,  and  saying  that  you  will  vouch  for  the  respecta 
bility  of  young  Nahum,  who  will  take  the  liberty  of 
leaving  his  card  at  Sandown  House.  I  do  not  wish 
that  he  should  be  presented  at  your  court ;  for  I  con 
ceive  that  a  republican  ought  not  to  sanctify  by  his 
presence  any  exhibition  so  degrading  as  that  of  the 
English  levee. 

Nahum  Hodge  will  call  on  you  at  breakfast-time ;  I 
have  told  him  that  is  the  best  hour  to  find  yourself 
and  the  dear  Duchess  at  home.     Give  my  love  to  her 
and  the  children,  and  believe  me,  my  dear  friend, 
Your  Lordship's  most  faithful  Servant, 

EBENEZER  BROWN. 

Such  a  letter  as  this  will  pretty  surely  get  you 
admission  to  his  Grace ;  and  of  course  you  will  be  left 
fcO  your  own  resources  to  make  yourself  comfortable  in 


88  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 


the  house.  Do  not  be  rebuffed  if  the  porter  says,  "  Not 
at  home ;"  say,  "  You  liveried  varlet  and  slave  !  do  you 
pretend  to  lie  in  the  face  of  a  free-born  American 
republican  ?  Take  in  that  note,  do  you  hear,  or  I'll 
whop  you  like  one  of  my  niggers  !"  Those  fat,  overfed 
men,  who  loll  in  porters'  chairs,  are  generally  timid, 
mid  your  card  will  be  sure  to  be  received. 

While  a  servant  has  gone  up-stairs  with  it,  walk  into 
the  library  at  once,*  look  at  all  the  papers,  the  seals, 
the  books  on  the  table,  the  addresses  of  all  the  letters, 
examine  the  pictures,  and  shout  out,  "  Here,  you  fat 
porter,  come  and  tell  me  who  these  tarnation  people 
are  !"  The  man  will  respectfully  come  to  you ;  and 
whatever  be  your  fate  with  the  family  up-stairs — 
whether  the  Duke  says  he  cannot  see  you,  or  that  he 
knows  nothing  of  you,  at  least  you  will  have  had  an 
insight  into  his  house  and  pictures,  and  may  note  down 
every  thing  you  see. 

It  is  not  probable  he  will  say  he  knows  nothing  of 
you.  He  is  too  polite  and  kind-hearted  for  that, — nay, 
possibly,  may  recall  to  his  mind  that  he  once  did 
receive  an  American  by  the  name  of  Brown.  If  he 
only  says  he  cannot  see  you,  of  course  you  will  call 
again  till  he  does ;  and  be  sure  that  the  porter  will 
never  dare  to  shut  the  door  on  you. 

You  will  call  and  call  so  often,  that  he  will  end  by 
inviting  you  to  a  party.  Meanwhile,  you  will  have 
had  your  evenings  pretty  well  filled  by  invitations  from 
the  sisters  of  your  friend  whom  you  met  in  the  cafe  at 
Paris, — agreeable  girls — say  their  name  is  Smith,  and 
they  live  in  Montague  Place,  or  near  Blackheath.  Be 

*  Of  course  you  will  aolect  a  house  that  is  act  entre  cowr  etjardi*. 


FITZ-BOODL7/S    PROFESSIONS.  89 


sure  you  tell  them  all  'that  you  know  of  the  Duke  of 
Dorsetshire,  that  you  have  been  with  his  Grace  that 
morning,  and  so  on  ;  and  not  only  good  old  Mr.  Smith, 
but  all  his  circle,  wil/  take  care  to  invite  you  to  as  many 
dinners  as  you  can  'possibly  devour. 

Your  conduct  at  these  repasts  will  be  perfectly 
simple.  Keep  yc  ur  eyes  open,,  and  do  pretty  much  as 
you  see  other  people  do  ;  biit  never  acknowledge  you 
are  in  fault  if  any  one  presumes  to  blame  you.  Eat 
peas  with  your  knife;  and  if  gently  taken  to  task 
about  this  habit  by  Smith  (a  worthy  man,  who  takes 
an  interest  in  his  "son's  friend,")  say,  "Well,  General 
Jackson  eaf,s  peas  with  his  knife  :  and  I  aVt  proud.  I 
guess  General  Jackson  can  whop  any  Englishman." 
Say  this  g  ort  of  thing  simply  and  unaffectedly,  and  you 
will  be  f.ure  not  to  be  pestered  as  to  your  mode  of 
conveyi'ng  your  food  to  your  mouth. 

Tab  3  care  at  dinner  not  to  admire  any  thing ;  on  the 
contrary,  if  they  bring  you  madeira,  say,  "La  bless 
you,  taste  our  madeira  !  My  father's  got  some  that  he 
gave  fifty  dollars  a  bottle  for ;  this  here  ain't  fit  to  bile 
for  puddns."  If  there  are  ducks,  ask  every  body  if 
they  have  tasted  canvass-back  ducks  ;  oysters,  say 
the  New  York  oyster  will  feed  six  men ;  turtle,  prefer 
terrapin,  and  so  on. 

And  don't  fancy  that  because  you  are  insolent  and 
disagreeable,  people  will  be  shy  of  you  in  this  country. 
Sir,  they  like  to  be  bullied  in  England,  as  to  be  bullies 
when  abroad.  They  like  a  man  to  sneer  at  their 
dinners ;  it  argues  that  you  are  in  the  habit  of  getting 
better.  I  have  known  the  lowest-bred  men  imaginable 
pass  for  fine  fellows  by  following  thu  simple  ruta 


90  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

Remember  through  life  that  a  man  will  always  rather 
submit  to  insolence  than  resist  it. 

Let  this  be  your  guide,  then,  in  your  commerce  with 
all  ranks.  You  will  dine,  of  course,  with  your  friends 
about  Russell  Square  and  Greenwich,  until  such  time 
as  you  get  a  fair  entry  into  the  houses  of  greater  people 
(by  the  way,  you  will  find  these  much  more  shy  of 
dinners  and  more  profuse  with  their  tea-parties  than 
your  humbler  entertainers).  But  if  you  don't  dine  with 
them,  you  must  keep  up  your  credit  in  the  other  quar 
ter  of  the  town — make  believe  to  dine  with  them.  You 
x;an  get  a  dinner  for  eightpence  on  those  days,  and 
figure  in  the  evening  party  afterwards. 

At  the  great  parties,  make  up  to  that  part  of  the 
room  where  the  distinguished  people  are — not  the  great 
men  of  the  land,  but  the  wits,  mark  you — and  begin 
talking  with  them  at  once;  they  will  all  respect  you  in 
their  hearts,  as  they  respect  themselves,  for  being  at 
such  a  grand  house  as  that  of  his  Grace  the  Duke  of 
Dorsetshire. 

The  wits  will,  after  a  little,  take  you  to  the  Wits' 
Club,  the  Muffinaeum,  where  you  will  enter  gratis  as  a 
distinguished  foreigner.  You  can  breakfast  there  for  a 
shilling,  have  the  run  of  the  letter-paper,  and  will,  of 
course,  take  care  to  date  your  letters  from  thence. 

Mind,  then,  once  put  your  foot  into  a  great  house, 
and  your  fortune  in  society  is  easily  made.  You  have 
but  to  attack,  people  will  rather  yield  than  resist.  I 
once  knew  a  Kentucky  man,  who,  hearing  the  Marquess 
of  Carum  Gorum  talking  of  the  likelihood  of  arouse 
that  year,  interposed,  "  My  lord,  it  must  be  a  wonderful 
sight  for  a  stranger  to  see  a  grand  meeting  of  the  aris 


91 

tocrats  of  England  in  the  heathery  hills  of  Scotia. 
What  would  I  not  give  to  behold  such  an  exhibition  ?" 
The  marquess  smiled,  shrugged,  and  said,  "  Well,  sir, 
if  you  come  north,  you  must  give  me  a  day  ;"  and  then 
turned  on  his  heel.  This  was  in  March :  on  the  four 
teenth  of  August  Kentuck  appeared  with  a  new  shoot 
ing  jacket  and  a  double-barrelled  gun,  got  on  credit,  and 
stayed  a  fortnight  at  Mull  House. 

At  last,  he  sent  in  a  letter,  before  breakfast  on  Sab 
bath  morning,  to  Lord  Carum  Gorum,  saying,  that  he 
knew  he  was  trespassing  beyond  all  measure  upon  his 
lordship's  patience,  but  that  he  was  a  stranger  in  the 
land,  his  remittances  from  America  had  somehow  been 
delayed,  and  the  fact  was,  that  there  he  was,  waterlog 
ged  till  they  came. 

Lord  Carum  Gorum  inclosed  him  a  ten-pound  note  in 
an  envelope,  with  a  notification  that  a  gig  would  be  ready 
for  him  after  service :  and  Kentuck  passed  a  very  agree 
able  fortnight  in  Edinburgh,  and  published  in  the 
"  Buffalo's  Hump"  a  brilliant  account  of  his  stay  at  the 
noble  lord's  castle. 

Then,  again,  if  you  see  a  famous  beauty,  praise  every 
one  of  her  points  outrageously  in  your  letter  to  the 
Buffalo's  Hump,"  as 

ON   THE   LADY    EMILY    X 

Who  left  dancing  and  came  and  talked  to  the  poet  at  the  dejetine 
at  C Lodge. 

Beneath  the  gold  acacia  buds 
My  gentle  Nora  sits  and  broods, 
Far,  far  away  in  Boston  woods, 
My  gentle  Nora ! 


92  FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS. 

I  see  the  tear-drop  in  her  e'e, 
Her  bosom's  heaving  tenderly  ; 
I  know — I  know  she  thinks  of  me, 
My  darling  Nora ! 

And  where  am  I  ?     My  love,  whilst  thou 
Sitt'sfc  sad  beneath  the  acacia  bough, 
Where  pearl's  on  neck,  and  wreath  on  brow, 
I  stand,  my  Nora ! 

'Mid  carcanet  and  coronet, 
Where  joy-lamps  shine  and  flowers  are  set — 
Where  Englaad's  chivalry  are  met, 
Behold  me,  Nora ! 

In  this  strange  scene  of  revelry, 
Amidst  this  gorgeous  chivalry, 
A  form  I  saw,  was  like  to  thee, 

My  love — my  Nora ! 

She  paused  amidst  her  converse  glad  ; 
The  lady  saw  that  I  was  sad, 
She  pitied  the  poor  lonely  lad, — 

Dost  love  her,  Nora  ? 

In  sooth,  she  is  a  lovely  dame, 
A  lip  of  red,  an  eye  of  flame, 
And  clustering  golden  locks,  the  same 
As  thine,  dear  Nora 

Her  glance  is  softer  than  the  dawn's, 
Her  foot  is  lighter  than  the  fawn's, 
Her  breast  is  whiter  than  the  swan's, 
Or  thine,  my  Nora ! 

Oh,  gentle  breast  to  pity  me! 
Oh,  lovely  Ladye  Emily ! 
Till  death— till  death  I'll  think  of  thee— 
Of  thee  and  Nora  I 


FITZ-BOODLE'S  PROFESSIONS.  93 


This  sort  of  thing  addressed  to  a  thin  shrivelled  per 
son  of  five-and-forty  (and  I  declare  it  is  as  easy  to  write 
such  verses  as  to  smoke  a  cigar)  will  be  sure  to  have  its 
effect ;  and  in  this  way  you  may  live  a  couple  of  years 
in  England  very  fashionably  and  well.  By  impudence 
you  may  go  from  one  great  house  to  another — by  im 
pudence  you  may  get  credit  with  all  the  fashionable 
tradesmen  in  London — by  impudence  you  may  find  a 
publisher  for  your  tour  ;  and  if  with  all  this  impudence 
you  cannot  manage  to  pick  up  a  few  guineas  by  the 
way,  you  are  not  the  man  I  take  you  for. 

And  this  is  my  last  profession.  In  concluding  the 
sketch  of  which,  it  is  of  course  not  necessary  for  me  to 
say  that  the  little  character  I  have  drawn  out  is  not 
taken  from  any  particular  individual.  No,  on  my 
honour,  far  from  it ;  it  is,  rather,  an  agreeable  compound 
of  many  individuals,  whom  it  has  been  our  fortune  to 
see  here ;  and  as  for  the  story  about  the  Marquess  of 
Carum  Gorum,  it  is,  like  the  noble  marquess  himself,  a 
fiction.  It  is  a  possibility,  that  is  all — an  embodiment 
of  a  good  and  feasible  way  of  rising  money.  Perhaps 
gentlemen  in  America,  where  our  periodicals  are  printed 
regularly,  as  I  am  given  to  understand,  may  find  the 
speculation  worth  their  while ;  and  accordingly  it  is 
recommended  to  the  republican  press. 

To  the  discriminating  press  of  this  country  how  shall 
I  express  my  obligations  for  the  unanimous  applause 
which  hailed  my  first  appearance  ?  It  is  the  more 
wonderful,  as  I  pledge  my  sacred  word,  I  never  wrote  a 
document  before  much  longer  than  a  laundress's  bill,  or 
the  acceptance  of  an  invitation  to  dinner.  But  enough 
of  this  egotism  ;  thanks  for  praise  conferred  sound  like 


94 

vanity ;  gratitude  is  hard  to  speak  of,  and  at  present  it 
swells  the  full  heart  of 

GEORGE  SAVAGE  FITZ-BOODLE. 

P.S. — My  memoirs,  and  other  interesting  works,  will 
appear  next  month,  the  length  necessary  to  a  discus 
sion  of  the  promised  "  Professions"  having  precluded 
the  possibility  of  their  insertion  in  the  present  Number. 
They  are  of  thrilling  interest. 


MISS    LOWE.  95 


MISS  LOWE. 


IT  has  twice  been  my  lot  to  leave  Minna  Lowe  under 
the  vine-leaves ;  on  one  occasion  to  break  off  into  ? 
dissertation  about  marriage,  which,  to  my  surprise,  no 
body  has  pronounced  to  be  immoral ;  and,  secondly, 
Minna  was  obliged  to  give  place  to  that  great  essay  on 
professions  which  appeared  in  July,  and  which  enables 
me,  as  the  Kelso  Warder  observes,  "  to  take  my  place 
among  the  proudest  and  wisest  of  England's  literary 
men."  This  praise  is,  to  be  sure,  rather  qualified  ;  and 
I  beg  leave  to  say  once  more  that  I  am  not  a  literary 
character  in  the  least,  but  simply  a  younger  brother  of 
a  good  house  wanting  money. 

Well,  twice  has  Minna  Lowe  been  left.  I  was  very 
nearly  being  off  from  her  in  the  above  sentence,  but 
luckily  paused  in  time  ;  for  if  anything  were  to  occur 
in  this  paragraph,  calling  me  away  from  her  yet  a  third 
time,  I  should  think  it  a  solemn  warning  to  discontinue 
her  history,  which  is,  I  confess,  neither  very  romantic 
in  its  details,  nor  very  creditable  to  myself. 

Let  us  take  her  where  we  left  her  in  the  June  num 
ber  of  this  Magazine,  gazing  through  a  sunny  cluster 
of  vine-leaves  upon  a  young  and  handsome  stranger, 
of  noble  face  and  exquisite  proportions,  who  was  trying 


"FITZ-'BOODLES  CONFESSIONS. 


to  i.nd  'tfoe  door  of  her  father's  bank.  That  entrance 
'being  ith-rowgh  h.er  amiable  directions  discovered,  I  en 
tered  aaa<(i  found  Messrs.  Moses  and  Solomon  Lowe  in 
the  'counting-house,  Herr  Solomon  being  the  son  of 
Moses,  and  h'^ad  clerk  or  partner  in  the  business.  That 
H  was  cheated  in  my  little  matter  of  exchange  stands  to 
ereasoss,  A  Jew  banker  (or  such  as  I  have  had  the 
llOBfQiir  to  know)  cannot  forego  the  privilege  of  cheat 
ing;  no,  if  it  be  but  for  a  shilling.  What  do  I  say,  —  • 
;a  skillino-  ?  —  a  penny  !  He  will  cheat  you,  in  the  first 
{place,  in  the  exchanging  your  note  ;  he  will  then  cheat 
you  in  giving  gold  for  your  silver  ;  and  though  very 
likely  he  will  invite  you  to  a  splendid  repast  afterwards 
that  shall  have  cost  him  a  score  of  thalers  to  procure,  he 
will  have  had  the  satisfaction  of  robbing  you  of  your 
groschen,  as  no  doubt  he  would  rob  his  own  father  or 
son. 

Herr  Moses  Lowe  must  have  been  a  very  sharp  Is- 
Taelite,  indeed,  to  rob  Herr  Solomon,  or  vice  versa.  The 
poor  fellows  are  both  in  prison  for  a  matter  of  forgery, 
as  I  heard  last  year  when  passing  through  Bonn  ;  and 
I  confess  it  was  not  without  a  little  palpitation  of  the 
heart  (it  is  a  sausage-merchant's  now)  that  I  went  and 
took  one  look  at  the  house  where  I  had  first  beheld  the 
bright  eyes  of  Minna  Lowe. 

For  let  them  say  as  they  will,  that  woman  whom  a 
man  has  once  loved  cannot  be  the  same  to  him  as  ano 
ther.  Whenever  one  of  my  passions  comes  into  a 
room,  my  cheeks  flush,  —  my  knees  tremble,  —  I  look  at 
her  with  pleased  tenderness  and  (for  the  objects  of  my 
adoration  do  not  once  in  forty  times  know  their  good 
fortune)  with  melancholy  secret  wonder.  There  they 


MISS    LOWE.  97 


are,  the  same  women,  and  yet  not  the  same ;  it  is  the 
same  nose  and  eyes,  if  you  will,  but  not  the  same  looks ; 
the  same  voice,  but  not  the  same  sweet  words  as  of  old. 
The  figure  moves,  and  looks,  and  talks  to  you ;  you 
know  how  dear  and  how  different  its  speech  and  ac 
tions  once  were  ;  'tis  the  hall  with  all  the  lights  put 
out  and  the  garlands  dead  (as  I  have  said  in  one  of  my 
poems).  Did  you  ever  have  a  pocket-book  that  once 
contained  five  thousand  pounds  ?  Did  you  ever  look  at 
that  pocket-book  with  the  money  lying  in  it  ?  Do  you 
remember  how  you  respected  and  admired  that  pocket- 
book,  investing  it  with  a  secret  awe,  imagining  it  had  a 
superiority  to  other  pocket-books  ?  I  have  such  a 
pocket-book ;  I  keep  it  now,  and  often  look  at  it  rather 
tenderly.  It  cannot  be  as  other  portfolios  to  me.  I 
remember  that  it  once  held  five  thousand  pounds. 

Thus  it  is  with  love.  I  have  empty  pocket-books 
scattered  all  over  Europe  of  this  kind  ;  and  I  always 
go  and  look  at  them  just  for  a  moment,  and  the  spirit 
flies  back  to  days  gone  by,  kind  eyes  look  at  me  as  of 
yore,  and  echoes  of  old  gentle  voices  fall  tenderly  upon 
the  ear.  Away  !  to  the  true  heart  the  past  never  is  past 
— and  some  day  when  Death  has  cleared  our  dull  fa 
culties,  and  past  and  future  shall  be  rolled  into  one, 
we  shall  *  *  *  *  * 

Well,  you  were  quite  right,  my  good  sir,  to  interrupt 
me.  I  can't  help  it,  I  am  too  apt  to  grow  sentimental, 
and  always  on  the  most  absurd  pretexts.  I  never  know 
when  the  fit  will  come  on  me,  or  d-propos  of  what.  I 
never  was  so  jolly  in  my  whole  life  as  one  day  coming 
home  from  a  funeral  ;  and  once  went  to  a  masked  ball 
at  Paris,  the  gaiety  of  which  made  me  so  profoundly 
5 


98  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


miserable,  that,  egad  !  I  wept  like  Xerxes  (wasn't  that 
the  fellow's  name  ?)  and  was  sick — sick  at  heart.  This 
premised,  permit  me,  my  friend,  to  indulge  in  sentiment 
d-propos  of  Minna  Lowe  ;  for,  corbleu  !  for  three  weeks, 
at  least,  I  adored  the  wench  ;  and  could  give  any  per 
son  curious  that  way  a  complete  psychological  history 
of  the  passion's  rise,  progress,  and  decay  ; — decay,  in 
deed  !  why  do  I  say  decay  ?  A  man  does  not  "  decay" 
when  he  tumbles  down  a  well,  but  drowns  there  ;  so  is 
love  choked  sometimes  by  abrupt  conclusions,  falls 
down  wells,  and  oh  !  the  dismal  truth  at  the  bottom  of 
them ! 

"  If,  my  lord,"  said  Herr  Moses,  counting  out  the  gold 
fredericks  to  me,  "  you  intend  to  shtay  in  our  town,  I 
hope  my  daughtersh  and  I  vill  have  shometirnesh  de 
pleashure  of  your  high  veil-born  shoshiety  ?" 

"  The  town  is  a  most  delightful  one,  Mr.  Lowe,"  an 
swered  I.  "I  am  myself  an  Oxford  man,  and  exceed 
ingly  interested  about — ahem — about  the  Byzantine 
historians,  of  which  I  see  the  University  is  producing 
an  edition  ;  and  I  shall  make,  I  think,  a  considerable 
stay."  Heaven  bless  us !  'twas  Miss  Minna's  eyes  that 
had  done  the  business.  But  for  them  I  should  have 
slept  at  Coblentz  that  very  night ;  where,  by  the  way, 
the  Hotel  de  la  Poste  is  one  of  the  very  best  inns  in 
Europe. 

.  A  friend  had  accompanied  me  to  Bonn, — a  jolly  dra 
goon,  who  was  quite  verged  in  the  German  language, 
having  spent  some  time  in  the  Austrian  service  before 
he  joined  us  ;  or  in  the  "  Awthtwian  thervith,"  as  he 
would  call  it,  with  a  double-distilled  gentility  of  accent 
very  difficult  to  be  acquired  out  of  Regent  Street.  We 


MISS    LOWE.  99 


had  quarrelled  already  thrice  on  the  passage  from  Eng 
land — viz.,  at  Rotterdam,  at  Cologne,  and  once  here  ; 
so  that  when  he  said  he  intended  to  go  to  Mayence,  I 
at  once  proclaimed  that  I  intended  to  stay  where  I  was  ; 
and  with  Miss  Minna  Lowe's  image  in  my  heart,  went 
out  and  selected  lodgings  for  myself  as  near  as  possible 
to  her  fathers  house.  Wilder  said  I  might  go  to  — 
any  place  I  liked ;  he  remained  in  his  quarters  at  the 
hotel,  as  I  found  a  couple  of  days  afterwards,  when  I 
saw  the  fellow  smoking  at  the  gateway  in  the  company 
of  a  score  of  Prussian  officers,  with  whom  he  had  made 
acquaintance. 

I  for  my  part  have  never  been  famous  for  that  habit 
of  extemporaneous  friendship-making,  which  some 
lucky  fellows  possess.  Like  most  of  my  countrymen, 
when  I  enter  a  room  I  always  take  care  to  look  about 
with  an  air  as  if  I  heartily  despised  every  one,  and 
wanted  to  know  what  the  d — 1  they  did  there !  Among 
foreigners  I  feel  this  especially;  for  the  truth  is,  right 
or  wrong,  I  can't  help  despising  the  rogues,  and  feeling 
manifestly  my  own  superiority.  In  conscience  of  this 
amiable  quality,  then  (in  this  particular  instance  of  my 
life),  I  gave  up  the  table  d'hote  dinner  at  the  Star  as 
something  low  and  ungentlemanlike,  made  a  point 
of  staring  and  not  answering  when  people  spoke  to 
me,  and  thus  I  have  no  doubt  impressed  all  the  world 
with  a  sense  of  my  dignity.  Instead  of  dining  at  the 
public  place,  then,  I  took  my  repasts  alone ;  though,  as 
Wilder  said  with  some  justice,  though  with  a  good 
deal  too  much  laisser-aller  of  tongue,  "  You  gweat  fool, 
if  it'th  only  becauth  you  want  to  be  thilent,  why  don't 
you  thtill  dine  with  uth  ?  You'll  get  a  wegular  good 


100 

dinner  inthtead  of  a  bad  one ;  and  ath  for  thpeaking  to 
you,  depend  on  it  every  man  in  the  room  will  thee  you 
hanged  futht !" 

"  Pray  allow  me  to  dine  in  my  own  way,  Wilder,"  says 
I,  in  the  most  dignified  way. 

"  Dine  and  be  d — d  !"  said  the  lieutenant,  and  so  I 
lived  solitary  and  had  my  own  way. 

I  proposed  to  take  some  German  lessons ;  and  for 
this  purpose  asked  the  banker,  Mr.  Lowe,  to  introduce 
me  to  a  master.  He  procured  one,  a  gentleman  of  his 
own  persuasion  ;  and  further,  had  the  kindness  to  say 
that  his  clerk,  Mr.  Hirsch,  should  come  and  sit  with 
me  every  morning  and  perfect  me  in  the  tongue ;  so 
that,  with  the  master  I  had  and  the  society  I  kept,  I 
might  look  to  acquire  a  very  decent  German  pronun 
ciation. 

This  Hirsch  was  a  little  Albino  of  a  creature  with 
pinkish  eyes,  white  hair,  flame-coloured  whiskers,  and 
earrings.  His  eyes  jutted  out  enormously  from  his 
countenance,  as  did  his  two  large  swollen  red  lips, 
which  had  the  true  Israelitish  jcoarseness.  He  was 
always,  after  a  short  time,  in  and  out  of  my  apartments. 
He  brought  a  dozen  messages  and  ran  as  many  errands 
for  me  in  the  course  of  the  day.  My  way  of  addressing 
him  was.  "  Hirsch,  you  scoundrel,  get  my  boots !" 
"  Hirsch,  my  Levite,  brush  my  coat  for  me  !"  "  Run, 
you  stag  of  Israel,  and  put  this  letter  in  the  post !"  and 
with  many  similar  compliments.  The  little  rascal  was, 
to  do  him  justice,  as  willing  as  possible,  never  minded 
by  what  name  I  called  him,  and,  above  all, — came  from 
Minna.  He  was  not  the  rose ;  no,  indeed,  nor  any 
thing  like  it ;  but,  as  the  poet  says,  "  he  had  lived 


MISS  LOWE.  t  //,  lot1 


beside  it ;"  and  was  there  in  all  Sharon  such  a  rose  as 
Minna  Lowe  ? 

If  I  did  not  write  with  a  moral  purpose,  and  because 
my  unfortunate  example  may  act  wholesomely  upon 
other  young  men  of  fashion,  and  induce  them  to  learn 
wisdom,  I  should  not  say  a  single  syllable  about  Minna 
Lowe,  nor  all  the  blunders  I  committed,  nor  the  humi 
liation  I  suffered.  There  is  about  a  young  Englishman 
of  twenty  a  degree  of  easy  self-confidence,  hardly  pos 
sessed  even  by  a  Frenchman.  The  latter  swaggers  and 
bullies  about  his  superiority,  taking  all  opportunities  to 
shriek  it  into  your  ears,  and  to  proclaim  the  infinite 
merits  of  himself  and  his  nation  ;  but,  upon  my  word, 
the  bragging  of  the  Frenchman  is  not  so  conceited  or 
intolerable  as  that  calm,  silent,  contemptuous  conceit  of 
us  young  Britons,  who  think  our  superiority  so  well 
established  that  it  is  really  not  worth  arguing  upon,  and 
who  take  upon  us  to  despise  thoroughly  the  whole 
world  through  which  we  pass.  We  are  hated  on  the 
Continent,  they  say,  and  no  wonder.  If  any  other 
nation  were  to  attempt  to  domineer  over  us  as  we  do 
over  Europe,  we  would  hate  them  as  heartily  and 
furiously  as  many  a  Frenchman  and  Italian  does  us. 

Now  when  I  went  abroad  I  fancied  myself  one  of 
the  finest  fellows  under  the  sun.  I  patronised  a  banker's 
dinners  as  if  I  did  him  honour  in  eating  them ;  I  took 
my  place  before  grave  professors  and  celebrated  men, 
and  talked  vapid  nonsense  to  them  in  infamous  French, 
laughing  heartily  in  return  at  their  own  manner  of 
pronouncing  that  language.  I  set  down  as  a  point 
beyond  question  that  their  customs  were  inferior  to  our 
own,  and  would  not  in  the  least  scruple,  in  a  calm  way 


If>2  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


to  let  my  opinion  be  known.  What  an  agreeable 
young  fellow  I  must  have  been  ! 

With  these  opinions,  and  my  pleasant  way  of  ex 
pressing  them,  I  would  sit  for  hours  by  the  side  of 
lovely  Minna  Lowe,  ridiculing,  with  much  of  that  ele 
gant  satire  for  which  the  English  are  remarkable,  every 
one  of  the  customs  of  the  country, — the  dinners,  with 
the  absurd  un-English  pudding  in  the  very  midst  of 
them  ;  the  dresses  of  the  men,  with  their  braided  coats 
and  great  seal-rings.  As  for  little  Hirsch,  he  formed 
the  constant  subject  of  my  raillery  with  Mademoiselle 
Minna ;  and  I  gave  it  as  my  fixed  opinion,  that  he  was 
only  fit  to  sell  sealing-wax  and  oranges  to  the  coaches 
in  Piccadilly. 

"  O  fous  afez  tant  d' esprit,  fous  autres  jeunes  Anglais," 
would  she  say ;  and  I  said,  "  Oui,  nous  avons  beau- 
coup  d'esprit,  beaucoup  plus  que  les  Allemands,"  with 
the  utmost  simplicity ;  and  then  would  half  close  my 
eyes,  and  give  her  a  look  that  I  thought  must  kill  her. 

Shall  I  tell  the  result  of  our  conversation  3  In  con 
versation  1,  Minna  asked  me  if  I  did  not  think  the  tea 
remarkably  good,  with  which  she  and  her  sister  treated 
me.  She  said  it  came  overland  from  China,  that  her 
papa's  correspondent  at  Petersburg  forwarded  it  to 
them,  and  that  no  such  tea  was  to  be  had  in  Germany. 
On  this  I  seriously  believed  the  tea  to  be  excellent; 
and  next  morning  at  breakfast  little  Hirsch  walked 
smirking  into  my  room,  with  a  parcel  of  six  pounds  of 
congo,  for  which  I  had  the  honour  of  paying  eighteen 
Prussian  thalers,  being  two  pounds  fourteen  shillings  of 
our  money. 

The  next  time  I  called,  Herr  Moses  insisted  on  re- 


MISS  Lchvi:.  103 


galing  me  with  a  glass  of  Cyprus  wine.  His  brother 
Lowe  of  Constantinople  was  the  only  person  in  the 
world  who  possessed  this  precious  liquor.  Four  days 
afterwards  Lowe  came  to  know  how  I  liked  the  Cyprus 
wine  which  I  had  ordered,  and  would  I  like  another 
dozen  ?  On  saying  that  I  had  not  ordered  any,  that  I 
did  not  like  sweet  wine,  he  answered,  "  Pardon  /"  it 
had  been  in  my  cellar  three  days,  and  he  would  send 
some  excellent  Medoc  at  a  moderate  price,  and  would 
take  no  refusal.  A  basket  of  Medoc  came  that  very 
night  in  my  absence,  with  a  bill  directed  to  the  "  High 
Well-born  Count  von  Fitz-Boodle."  This  excessive  de 
sire  of  the  Lowe  family  to  serve  me  made  me  relax  my 
importunities  somewhat.  "  Ah  !"  says  Minna,  with  a 
sigh,  the  next  time  I  saw  her,  "  have  we  offended  you, 
Herr  George  ?  You  don't  come  to  see  us  any  more 
now  !" 

"  I'll  come  to-morrow,"  says  I  ;  and  she  gave  me  a 
look  and  a  smile  which,  oh  !  —  "  I  am  a  fool,  I  know  I 
am  !"  as  the  honourable  member  for  Montrose  said 
t'other  day.  And  was  not  Samson  ditto  I  was  not 
Hercules  another  ?  Next  day  she  was  seated  at  the 
vine-leaves  as  I  entered  the  court.  She  smiled,  and 
then  retreated.  She  had  been  on  the  look-out  for  me. 
I  knew  she  had.  She  held  out  her  little  hand  to  me 
as  I  came  into  the  room.  Oh,  how  soft  it  was  and  how 
round  !  and  with  a  little  apricot-coloured  glove  that  — 
that  I  have  to  this  day  !  I  had  been  arranging  a  little 
compliment  as  I  came  along,  something  quite  new  and 
killing.  I  had  only  the  heart  to  say.  "  Es  ist  sehr 


"  Oh,  Herr  George  !"  says  she  ;  "  Lieber  Herr  George, 


104  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


v/hat  a  progress  have  you  made  in  German  !  You 
speak  it  like  a  native  !" 

But  somehow  I  preferred  to  continue  the  conversation 
in  French  ;  and  it  was  made  up,  as  I  am  bound  to  say, 
of  .remarks  equally  brilliant  and  appropriate  with  that 
one  above  given.  When  old  Lowe  came  in  I  was 
winding  a  skein  of  silk,  seated  in  an  enticing  attitude, 
gazing  with  all  my  soul  at  Delilah,  who  held  down  her 
beautiful  eyes. 

That  day  they  did  not  sell  me  any  bargains  at  all ; 
and  the  next  found  me,  you  may  be  very  sure,  in  the 
same  parlour  again,  where,  in  his  schlaf-rock,  the  old 
Israelite  was  smoking  his  pipe. 

"  Get  away,  papa,"  said  Minna,  "  English  lords  can't 
bear  smoke.  I'm  sure  Herr  George  dislikes  it." 

"  Indeed,  I  smoke  occasionally  myself,"  answered 
your  humble  servant. 

"  Get  his  lordship  a  pipe,  Minna,  my  soul's  darling !" 
exclaimed  the  banker. 

"  O  yes !  the  beautiful  long  Turkish  one,"  cried 
Minna,  springing  up,  and  presently  returned,  bearing  a 
long  cherry-stick  covered  with  a  scarlet  and  gold  cloth, 
at  one  end  an  enamelled  amber  mouth-piece,  a  gilded 
pipe  at  the  other.  In  she  came  dancing,  wand  in  hand, 
and  looking  like  a  fairy  ! 

"  Stop  !"  she  said  ;  "  I  must  light  it  for  Herr  George." 
(By  Jupiter !  there  was  a  way  that  girl  had  of  pro 
nouncing  my  name,  "  George,"  which  I  never  heard 
equalled  before  or  since.)  And  accordingly,  bidding 
her  sister  get  fire,  she  put  herself  in  the  prettiest  atti 
tude  ever  seen  :  with  one  little  foot  put  forward,  and 
her  head  thrown  back,  and  a  little  hand  holding  the 


MISS    LOWE.  105 


pipe-stick  between  finger  and  thumb,  and  a  pair  of  red 
lips  kissing  the  amber  mouth-piece  with  the  sweetest 
smile  ever  mortal  saw.  Her  sister,  giggling,  lighted 
the  tobacco,  and  presently  you  saw  issuing  from  between 
those  beautiful,  smiling,  red  lips  of  Minna's  a  little 
curling,  graceful,  white  smoke,  which  rose  soaring  up 
to  the  ceiling.  I  swear,  I  felt  quite  faint  with  the  fra 
grance  of  it. 

When  the  pipe  was  lighted,  she  brought  it  to  me 

with  quite  as  pretty  an  attitude  and  a  glance  that 

Psha !  I  gave  old  Moses  Lowe  fourteen  pounds  sterling 
for  that  pipe  that  very  evening ;  and  as  for  the  mouth 
piece.  I  would  not  part  with  it  away  from  me,  but  I 
wrapped  it  up  in  a  glove  that  I  took  from  the  table, 
and  put  both  into  my  breast-pocket;  and  next  morning, 
when  Charley  Wilder  burst  suddenly  into  my  room,  he 
found  me  sitting  up  in  bed  in  a  green  silk  night-cap,  a 
little  apricot-coloured  glove  lying  on  the  counterpane 
before  me,  your  humble  servant  employed  in  mumbling 
the  mouth-piece  as  if  it  were  a  bit  of  barley-sugar. 

He  stopped,  stared,  burst  into  a  shriek  of  laughter, 
and  made  a  rush  at  the  glove  on  the  counterpane ;  but, 
in  a  fury,  I  sent  a  large  single  volumed  Tom  Moore  (1 
am  not  a  poetical  man,  but  I  must  confess  I  was  read 
ing  some  passages  in  Lalla  RooJch  that  I  found  appli 
cable  to  my  situation) — I  sent,  I  say,  a  Tom  Moore  at 
his  head,  which,  luckily,  missed  him  ;  and  to  which  he 
responded  by  seizing  a  bolster  and  thumping  me  outra 
geously.  It  was  lucky  that  he  was  a  good-natured  fel 
low,  and  had  only  resorted  to  that  harmless  weapon,  for 
I  was  in  such  a  fury  that  I  certainly  would  have  mur 
dered  him  at  the  least  insult. 


106  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

I  did  not  murder  him  then ;  but  if  he  peached  a 
single  word  upon  the  subject,  I  swore  I  would,  and 
Wilder  knew  I  was  a  man  of  my  word.  He  was  not 
unaware  of  my  tendre  for  Minna  Lowe,  and  was  for  pass 
ing  some  of  his  delicate  light-dragoon  jokes  upon  it  and 
her ;  but  these,  too,  I  sternly  cut  short. 

"  Why,  cuth  me,  if  I  don't  think  you  want  to  mawwy 
her  !"  blurted  out  Wilder. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  I,  "  and  suppose  I  do  ?" 

"  What !  mawwy  the  daughter  of  that  thwindling  old 
clotheman  ?  I  tell  you  what,  Fitth-Boodle,  they  alwayth 
thaid  you  were  mad  in  the  weg'ment,  and  run  me 
thwough,  if  I  don't  think  you  are." 

"  The  man,"  says  I,  "  sir,  who  would  address  Made 
moiselle  Lowe  in  any  but  an  honourable  way  is  a  scoun 
drel  ;  and  the  man  who  says  a  word  against  her  cha 
racter  is  a  liar  !" 

After  a  little  further  parley  (which  Wilder  would  not 
have  continued  but  that  he  wanted  to  borrow  money 
of  me),  that  gentleman  retired,  declaring  that  "  I  wath 
ath  thulky  ath  a  bear  with  a  thaw  head,"  and  left  me  to 
my  apricot-coloured  glove  and  my  amber  mouth-piece. 

Wilder's  assertion  that  I  was  going  to  act  up  to 
opinions  which  I  had  always  professed,  and  to  marry 
Minna  Lowe,  certainly  astounded  me,  and  gave  me 
occasion  for  thought.  Marry  the  daughter  of  a  Jew 
banker !  I,  George  Fitz-Boodle !  That  would  never 
do  ;  not  unless  she  had  a  million  to  her  fortune,  at  least, 
and  it  was  not  probable  that  a  humble  dealer  at  Bonn 
could  give  her  so  much.  But  marry  her  or  not,  I  could 
.not  refrain  from  the  sweet  pleasure  of  falling  in  love 
with  her,  and  shut  my  eye*  to  the  morrow  that  I  might 


MISS    LOWE.  107 


properly  enjoy  the  day.  Shortly  after  Wilder's  depart 
ure,  little  Hirsch  paid  his  almost  daily  visit  to  me.  I 
determined — and  wondered  that  I  had  never  thought 
of  the  scheme  before — sagely  to  sound  him  regarding 
Minna's  fortune,  and  to  make  use  of  him  as  my  letter 
and  message-carrier. 

"  Ah,  Hirsch  !  my  lion  of  Judah  !"  says  I,  "  you  have 
brought  me  the  pipe-stick,  have  you  ?" 

"  Yes,  my  lord,  and  seven  pounds  of  the  tobacco  you 
said  you  liked.  'Tis  real  Syrian,  and  a  great  bargain 
you  get  it,  I  promise." 

"  Egad !"  replied  I,  affecting  an  air  of  much  careless 
ingenuousness.  "  Do  you  know,  Hirsch,  my  boy,  that 
the  youngest  of  the  Miss  Lowes — Miss  Anna,  I  think 
you  call  her " 

"  Minna,"  said  Hirsch,  with  a  grin. 

"  Well,  Minna — Minna,  Hirsch,  is  a  devilish  fine  girl ; 
upon  my  soul  now,  she  is." 

"  Do  you  really  think  so  ?"  says  Hirsch. 

"  Ton  my  honour,  I  do.  And  yesterday,  when  she 
was  lighting  the  pipe-stick,  she  looked  so  confoundedly 
handsome  that  I — I  quite  fell  in  love  with  her ;  really 
I  did." 

"  Ho  !  Veil,  you  do  our  people  great  honour,  I'm 
sure,"  answered  Hirsch. 

"  Father  a  warm  man  ?" 

"  Varm  !     How  do  you  mean  varm  ?" 

"  Why,  rich.  We  call  a  rich  man  warm  in  England  ; 
only  you  don't  understand  the  language.  How  much 
will  he  give  his  daughter  ?" 

"  Oh !  very  little.  Not  a  veek  of  your  income,  my 
lord,"  said  Hir&ch. 


108 

"Pooh,  pooh!  You  always  talk  of  me  as  if  Fin 
rich  ;  but  I  tell  you  I  am  poor — exceedingly  poor." 

"  Go  away  vid  you !"  said  Hirsch,  incredulously. 
"  You  poor !  I  vish  I  had  a  year  of  your  income ;  that 
I  do"  (and  I  have  no  doubt  he  dkl,  or  of  the  revenue 
of  any  one  else).  "  I'd  be  a  rich  man,  and  have  de  best 
house  in  Bonn." 

"  Are  you  so  very  poor  yourself,  Hirsch,  that  you  talk 
in  this  way  ?"  asked  I. 

To  which  the  young  Israelite  replied  that  he  had  not 
one  dollar  to  rub  against  another  ;  that  Mr.  Lowe  was  a 
close  man ;  and  finally  (upon  my  pressing  the  point, 
like  a  cunning  dog  as  I  was !),  that  he  would  do  any 
thing  to  earn  a  little  money. 

"  Hirsch,"  said  I,  like  a  wicked  young  reprobate  and 
Don  Juan,  "  will  you  carry  a  letter  to  Miss  Minna 
Lowe  ?" 

Now  there  was  no  earthly  reason  why  I  should  have 
made  a  twopenny-postman  of  Mr.  Hirsch.  I  might 
with  just  as  much  ease  have  given  Minna  the  letter 
myself.  I  saw  her  daily  and  for  hours,  and  it  would  be 
hard  if  I  could  not  find  her  for  a  minute  alone,  or  at 
least  slip  a  note  into  her  glove  or  pocket-handkerchief, 
if  secret  the  note  must  be.  But,  I  don't  care  to  own  it, 
I  was  as  ignorant  of  any  love-making  which  requires 
mystery  as  any  bishop  on  the  bench,  and  pitched  upon 
Hirsch,  as  it  were,  because  in  comedies  and  romances 
that  I  had  read  the  hero  has  always  a  go-between — a 
valet,  or  humble  follower — who  performs  the  intrigue 
of  the  piece.  So  I  asked  Hirsch  the  above  question, 
"  Would  he  carry  a  letter  to  Miss  Minna  Lowe  ?" 

"  Give  it  me,"  said  he,  with  a  grin. 


MISS    LOWE.  109 


But  the  deuce  of  it  was,  it  wasn't  written.  Rosina, 
in  the  opera,  has  hers  ready  in  her  pocket,  and  says 
"  Eccolo  qua1'1  when  Figaro  makes  the  same  request,  so 
I  told  Hirsch  that  I  would  get  it  ready.  And  a  very 
hard  task  I  found  it  too,  in  sitting  down-to  compose  the 
document.  It  shall  be  in  verse,  thought  I,  for  Minna 
understands  some  English ;  but  there  is  no  rhyme  to 
Minna,  as  every  body  knows,  except  a  cockney,  who 
might  make  "  thinner,  dinner,  winner,"  &c.,  answer  to 
it.  And  as  for  Lowe,  it  is  just  as  bad.  Then  it  became, 
as  I  thought,  my  painful  duty  to  send  her  a  note  in 
French  ;  and  in  French  finally  it  was  composed,  and  I 
blush  now  when  I  think  of  the  nonsense  and  bad  gram 
mar  it  contained — the  conceit  above  all.  The  easy  vul 
gar  assurance  of  victory  with  which  I,  a  raw  lad  from 
the  stupidest  country  in  Europe,  assailed  one  of  the 
most  beautiful  women  in  the  world  ! 

Hirsch  took  the  letter,  and  to  bribe  the  fellow  to 
silence,  I  agreed  to  purchase  a  great  hideous  amethyst 
brooch,  which  he  had  offered  me  a  dozen  times  for  sale, 
and  which  I  had  always  refused  till  now.  He  said  it 
had  been  graciously  received,  but  as  all  the  family  were 
present  in  the  evening  when  I  called,  of  course  no  allu 
sion  could  be  made  to  the  note ;  but  I  thought  Minna 
looked  particularly  kind,  as  I  sat  and  lost  a  couple  of 
Fredericks  at  ecarte  to  a  very  stout  Israelite  lady, 
Madame  Lowe,  junior,  the  wife  of  Monsieur  Solomon 
Lowe.  I  think  it  was  on  this  night,  or  the  next,  that  I 
was  induced  to  purchase  a  bale  of  remarkably  fine  lawn 
for  shirts,  for  old  Lowe  had  every  thing  to  sell,  as  is  not 
uncommon  with  men  of  his  profession  and  persuasion  * 
and  had  [  expressed  a  fancy  for  a  coffin  or  a  hod  of 


110 

mortar,  I  have  no  doubt  Hirscli  would  have  had  it  at 
my  door  next  morning. 

I  went  on  sending  letters  to  Minna,  copying  them  out 
of  a  useful  little  work  called  Le  Petit  Secretaire  Fro.n- 
fais,  and  easily  adapting  them  to  circumstances,  by 
altering  a  phrase  here  and  there.  Day  and  night  I  used 
to  dangle  about  the  house.  It  was  provoking,  to  be 
sure,  that  Minna  was  never  alone  now ;  her  sister  or 
Madam  Solomon  were  always  with  her,  and  as  they 
naturally  spoke  German,  of  which  language  I  knew  but 
few  words,  my  evenings  were  passed  in  sighing,  ogling, 
and  saying  nothing.  I  must  have  been  a  very  charm 
ing  companion.  One  evening  was  pretty  much  like 
another.  Four  or  five  times  in  the  week  old  Lowe 
would  drop  in  and  sell  me  a  bargain.  Berlin-iron 
chains  and  trinkets  for  my  family  at  home,  Naples  soap, 
a  case  of  eau  de  Cologne ;  a  beautiful  dressing-gown, 
lined  with  fur  for  the  winter ;  a  rifle,  one  of  the  famous 
Frankfort  make ;  a  complete  collection  of  the  German 
classics ;  and  finally,  to  my  awful  disgust,  a  set  of  the 
Byzantine  historians. 

I  must  tell  you  that,  although  my  banking  friend  had 
furnished  me  with  half  a  stone  of  Syrian  tobacco  from 
his  brother  at  Constantinople,  and  though  the  most 
beautiful  lips  in  the  world  had  first  taught  me  to  smoke 
it,  I  discovered,  after  a  few  pipes  of  the  weed,  that  it 
M7as  not  so  much  to  my  taste  as  that  grown  in  the  West 
Indies;  and  as  his  Havannah  cigars  were  also  not  to 
my  liking,  I  was  compelled,  not  without  some  scruples 
of  conscience  at  my  infidelity,  to  procure  my  smoking 
supplies  elsewhere. 

And  now  I  come  to  the  fatal  part  of  my  story 


MISS    LOWE.  Ill 


Wilder,  who  was  likewise  an  amateur  of  the  weed,  once 
came  to  my  lodgings  in  the  company  of  a  tobacconist 
whom  he  patronised,  and  who  brought  several  boxes 
and  samples  for  inspection.  Herr  Rohr,  which  was  the 
gentleman's  name,  sat  down  with  us,  his  wares  were 
very  good,  and — must  I  own  it  ? — I  thought  it  would 
be  a  very  clever  and  prudent  thing  on  my  part  to 
exchange  some  of  my  rare  Syrian  against  his  canaster 
and  Havannahs.  I  vaunted  the  quality  of  the  goods  to 
him,  and,  going  into  the  inner  room,  returned  with  a 
packet  of  the  real  Syrian.  Herr  Rohr  looked  at  the 
parcel  rather  contemptuously,  I  thought. 

"  I  have  plenty  of  these  goods  in  my  shop,1'  said  he. 

"  Why,  you  don't  thay  tho,"  says  Wilder,  with  a 
grin;  "it'th  the  weal  wegular  Thywian.  My  friend 
Fitth-Boodle  got  it  from  hith  bankerth,  and  no  iiiith- 
take !" 

"  Was  it  from  Mr.  Lowe  ?"  says  Rohr,  with  another 
provoking  sneer. 

"  Exactly.  His  brother  Israel  sent  it  from  Constanti 
nople." 

"  Bah  !"  says  Rohr.  "  I  sold  this  very  tobacco,  seven 
pounds  of  it,  at  fourteen  groschen  a  pound,  to  Miss 
Minna  Lowe  and  little  Mr.  Hirsch,  who  came  express  to 
my  shop  for  it.  Here's  my  seal,"  says  Mr.  Rohr.  And 
sure  enough  he  produced,  from  a  very  fat  and  dirty 
forefinger,  a  seal,  which  bore  the  engraving  on  the 
packet. 

"  You  sold  that  to  Miss  Minna  Lowe  ?"  groaned  poor 
George  Fitz-Boodle. 

"Yes,  and  she  bated  me  down  half  a  gros  in  the 
price.  Heaven  help  you,  sir !  she  always  makes  the 


112  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

bargains  for  her  father.     There's  something  so   pretty 
about  her  that  we  can't  resist  her." 

"  And  do  you  thell  wineth,  too, — Thypwuth  and 
Medoc,  hay  ?"  continued  the  brute  Wilder,  enjoying  the 
joke. 

"  No,"  answered  Mr.  Rohr,  writh  another  confounded 
sneer.  "  He  makes  those  himself ;  but  I  have  some 
very  fine  Medoc  and  Greek  wine,  if  his  high  well-born 
lordship  would  like  a  few  dozen.  Shall  I  send  a 
pannier  ?" 

"Leave  the  room,  sir!"  here  shouted  I,  in  a  voice  of 
uncontrollable  ferocity,  and  looked  so  wildly  that  little 
Rohr  rushed  away  in  a  fright,  and  Wilder  burst  into 
one  of  his  demoniacal  laughs  again. 

"  Don't  you  tbee,  my  good  fwiend,"  continued  he, 
"  how  wegularly  thethe  people  have  been  doing  you  ?  I 
tell  you  their  chawacterth  are  known  all  over  the  town. 
There'th  not  a  thtudent  in  the  place  but  can  give  you  a 
hithtory  of  the  family.  Lowe  ith  an  infarnal  old  uthu- 
wer,  and  hitli  daughterth  wegular  mantwapth.  At  the 
Thtar,  where  I  dine  with  the  officerth  of  the  garrithon, 
you  and  Minna  are  a  thtandard  joke.  Captain  Heer- 
pauk  wath  caught  himself  for  near  thicth  weekth  ;  young 
Von  Tvvommel  wath  wemoved  by  hith  fwierids ;  old 
Colonel  Blitz  \vath  at  one  time  tho  nearly  gone  in  love 
with  the  elder,  that  he  would  have  had  a  divorce  from 
hith  lady.  Among  the  thtudentth  the  mania  hath 
been  jutht  the  thame.  WThenever  one  wath  worth 
plucking,  Lowe  uthed  to  have  him  to  hith  houthe  and 
wob  him,  until  at  latht  the  wathcal'th  chawacter 
became  tho  well  known  that  the  thtudentth  in  a  body 
have  detherted  him,  and  you  will  find  that  not  one  of 


MISS    LOWE.  113 


them  will  dance  with  hith  daughterth,  handthome  ath 
they  are.  Go  down  to  Godesberg  to-night  and  thee." 

"  I  am  going,"  answered  I ;  "  the  young  ladies  asked 
me  to  drive  down  in  their  carriage ;"  and  I  flung  myself 
back  on  the  sofa  and  puffed  away  volumes  of  smoke, 
and  tossed  and  tumbled  the  live-long  day,  with  a  horri 
ble  conviction  that  something  of  what  Wilder  had  told 
me  might  be  true,  and  with  a  vow  to  sacrifice  at  least 
one  of  the  officers  who  had  been  laughing  at  me. 

There  they  were,  the  scoundrels !  in  their  cursed 
light  frock-coats  and  hay-coloured  moustachios,  twirling 
round  in  the  waltzes  with  the  citizens'  daughters,  when, 
according  to  promise,  I  arrived  with  the  Israelitish 
ladies  at  the  garden  at  Godesberg,  where  dancing  is 
carried  on  twice  or  thrice  in  a  week.  There  were  the 
students,  with  their  long  pipes,  and  little  caps,  and  long 
hair,  tippling  at  the  tables  under  the  leaves,  or  dancing 
that  absurd  waltz  which  has  always  been  the  object  of 
my  contempt.  The  fact  is,  I  am  not  a  dancing  man. 

Students  and  officers,  I  thought,  every  eye  was  look 
ing  at  me,  as  I  entered  the  garden  with  Miss  Minna 
Lowe  on  my  arm.  Wilder  tells  me  that  I  looked  blue 
with  rage,  and  as  if  I  should  cut  the  throat  of  any  man 
I  met. 

We  had  driven  down  in  old  Lowe's  landau,  the  old 
gentleman  himself  acting  as  coachman,  with  Mr.  Hirsch 
in  his  best  clothes  by  his  side.  In  the  carriage  came 
Madam  Solomon,  in  yellow  satin ;  Miss  Lowe,  in  light 
green  (it  is  astonishing  how  persons  of  a  light  complex 
ion  will  wear  this  detestable  colour)  ;  Miss  Minna  was 
in  white  muslin,  with  a  pair  of  black  knit  gloves  on  her 
beautiful  arms,  a  pink  riband  round  her  delicate  waist, 


114  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

and  a  pink  scarf  on  her  shoulders,  for  in  those  days — 
and  the  fashion  exists  still  somewhat  on  the  Rhine — it 
was  the  custom  of  ladies  to  dress  themselves  in  what 
we  call  an  evening  costume  for  dinner-time ;  and  sc 
was  the  lovely  Minna  attired.  As  I  sat  by  her  on  the 
back  seat,  I  did  not  say  one  single  word,  I  confess,  but 
looked  unutterable  things,  and  forgot  in  her  beauty  all 
the  suspicions  of  the  morning.  I  hadn't  asked  her  to 
waltz, — for,  the  fact  is,  I  didn't  know  how  to  waltz 
(though  I  learned  afterwards,  as  you  shall  hear),  and 
so  only  begged  her  hand  for  a  quadrille. 

We  entered  thus  Mr.  Blintzner's  garden  as  I  have 
described,  the  men  staring  at  us,  the  lovely  Minna  on 
my  arm.  I  ordered  refreshments  for  the  party ;  and 
we  sat  at  a  table  near  the  boarded  place  where  the 
people  were  dancing.  Xo  one  came  up  to  ask  Minna 
to  waltz,  and  I  confess  I  was  not  sorry  for  it, — for  I 
own  to  that  dog-in-the-manger  jealousy  which  is  com 
mon  to  love, — no  one  came  but  poor  little  Hirsch,  who 
had  been  absent  to  get  sandwiches  for  the  ladies,  and 
came  up  making  his  bow  just  as  I  was  asking  Minna 
whether  she  would  give  no  response  to  rny  letters.  She 
looked  surprised, — looked  at  Hirsch,  who  looked  at  me, 
and  laying  his  hand  (rather  familiarly)  upon  my  arm, 
put  the  other  paw  to  his  great,  red,  blubber  lips,  as  if 
enjoining  silence  ;  and,  before  a  word,  carries  off  Minna, 
and  began  twisting  her  round  in  the  waltz. 

The  little  brute  had  assumed  his  best  clothes  for  the 
occasion.  He  had  a  white  hat  and  a  pair  of  white 
gloves ;  a  green  satin  stock,  with  profuse  studs  of  jew 
els  in  his  shirt;  a  yellow  waistcoat,  with  one  of  pink 
Cashmere  underneath ;  very  short  nankeen  trousers, 


MISS    LOWE.  115 


and  striped  silk  stockings ;  and  a  swallow-tailed,  short- 
waisted,  light-brown  coat,  with  brass  buttons ;  the  tails 
whirled  in  the  wind  as  he  and  his  partner  spun  round 
to  a  very  quick  waltz, — not  without  agilitv,  I  confess, 
on  the  little  scoundrel's  part, — and  oh,  with  what  incom 
parable  grace  on  Minna's !  The  other  waltzers  cleared 
away,  doubtless  to  look  at  her  performance ;  but  though 
such  a  reptile  was  below  my  jealousy,  I  felt  that  I 
should  have  preferred  to  the  same  music  to  kick  the 
little  beast  round  the  circle  rather  than  see  his  hand 
encircling  such  a  waist  as  that. 

They  only  made  one  or  two  turns,  however,  and 
came  back.  Minna  was  blushing  very  red,  and  very 
much  agitated. 

"  Will  you  take  one  turn,  Fraulein  Lisa  ?"  said  the 
active  Hirsch ;  and  after  a  little  to-do  on  the  part  of 
the  elder  sister,  she  got  up,  and  advanced  to  the  dancing 
place. 

What  was  my  surprise  when  the  people  again  cleared 
off,  and  left  the  pair  to  perform  alone !  Hirsch  and  his 
partner  enjoyed  their  waltz,  however,  and  returned, 
looking  as  ill-humoured  as  possible.  The  band  struck 
up  presently  a  quadrille  tune.  I  would  not  receive  any 
of  Minna's  excuses.  She  did  not  wish  to  dance ;  she 
was  faint, — she  had  no  vis-d-vis.  "  Hirsch,"  said  I, 
with  much  courtesy,  "  take  out  Madam  Solomon,  and 
come  and  dance."  We  advanced, — big  Mrs.  Solomon 
and  Hirsch,  Minna  and  I, — Miss  Lisa  remaining  with 
her  papa  over  the  Rhine  wine  and  sandwiches. 

There  were  at  least  twenty  couple,  who  were  muster 
ing  to  make  a  quadrille  when  we  advanced.  Minna 
blushed  scarlet,  and  I  felt  her  trembling  on  my  arm  ' 


116 

no  doubt  'twas  from  joy  at  dancing  with  the  fashionable 
young  Englander.  Hirsch,  with  a  low  bow  and  a 
scrape,  led  Madam  Solomon  opposite  us,  and  put  him 
self  in  the  fifth  position.  It  was  rather  disgusting,  cer 
tainly,  for  George  Savage  Fitzboodle  to  be  dancing  vis 
a-vis  with  such  an  animal  as  that ! 

Mr.  Hirsch  clapped  his  hands  with  a  knowing  air,  to 
begin.  I  looked  up  from  Minna  (what  I  had  been 
whispering  to  her  must  not  be  concealed, — in  fact,  I  had 
said  so  previously,  es  ist  sehr  worm  •  but  I  said  it  with 
an  accent  that  must  have  gone  to  her  heart), — when  I 
.say  I  looked  up  from  her  lovely  face,  I  found  that  every 
one  of  the  other  couple  had  retired,  and  that  we  four 
were  left  to  dance  the  quadrille  by  ourselves ! 

Yes,  by  Heavens !  it  was  so !  Minna,  from  being 
scarlet,  turned  ghastly  pale,  and  would  have  fallen  back 
had  I  not  encircled  her  with  my  arm.  "  I'm  ill,"  said 
she;  "let  me  go  back  to  my  father."  "You  must 
dance"  said  I,  and  held  up  my  clenched  fist  to  Hirsch, 
who  I  thought  would  have  moved  off  too;  on  which 
the  little  fellow  was  compelled  to  stop.  And  so  we  four 
went  through  the  quadrille. 

The  first  figure  seemed  to  me  to  last  a  hundred  thou 
sand  years.  I  don't  know  how  Minna  did  not  fall  down 
and  faint ;  but  gathering  courage  all  of  a  sudden,  and 
throwing  a  quick,  fierce  look  round  about  her,  as  if  in 
defiance,  and  a  look  which  made  my  little  angel  for  a 
moment  look  like  a  little  demon,  she  went  through  the 
dance  with  as  much  gracefulness  as  a  duchess.  As  for 
me, — at  first  the  whole  air  seemed  to  be  peopled  with 
grinning  faces,  and  I  moved  about  almost  choked  with 
rage  and  passion.  Then  gradually  the  film  of  fury  wore 


MISS    LOWE.  117 


sff,  and  I  became  wonderfully  calm, — nay,  had  the 
leisure  to  look  at  Monsieur  Hirsch,  who  performed  all 
the  steps  with  wonderful  accuracy  ;  and  at  every  one  of 
the  faces  round  about  us,  officers,  students,  and  citizens. 
None  of  the  gentlemen,  probably,  liked  my  face, — for 
theirs  wore,  as  I  looked  at  them,  a  very  grave  and 
demure  expression.  But  as  Minna  was  dancing,  I  heard 
a  voice  behind  her  cry,  sneeringly,  "  Brava  !"  I  turned 
quickly  round,  and  caught  the  speaker.  He  turned 
very  red,  and  so  betrayed  himself.  Our  eyes  met, — it 
was  a  settled  thing.  There  was  no  need  of  any  further 
arrangement,  and  it  was  then,  as  I  have  said,  that  the 
film  cleared  off;  and  I  have  to  thank  Capt.  Heerpauk 
for  getting  through  the  quadrille  without  an  apoplexy. 

"  Did  you  hear  that — that  voice,  Herr  George  ?"  said 
Miss  Minna,  looking  beseechingly  in  my  face,  and  trem 
bling  on  my  arm,  as  I  led  her  back  to  her  father. 
Poor  soul !  I  saw  it  all  at  once.  She  loved  me, — I  knew 
she  did,  and  trembled  lest  I  should  run  into  any  danger. 
I  stuttered,  stammered,  vowed  I  did  not  hear  it ;  at  the 
same  time  swearing  inwardly  an  oath  of  the  largest 
dimensions,  that  I  would  cut  the  throat  whence  that 
"  Brava !"  issued.  I  left  my  lady  for  a  moment,  and 
finding  Wilder,  pointed  out  the  man  to  him. 

"  Oh,  Heerpauk,"  says  he.  "  What  do  you  want  with 
him  ?" 

"  Charley,"  says  I,  with  much  heroism  and  ferocity, 
"  I  want  to  shoot  him;  just  tell  him  so."  And  when, 
on  demurring,  I  swore  I  would  go  and  pull  the  captain's 
Hose  on  the  ground,  Wilder  agreed  to  settle  the  busi 
ness  for  me ;  and  I  returned  to  our  party. 

It  was  quite  clear  that  we  could  not  stay  longer  in 


118 

the  gardens.  Lowe's  carriage  was  not  to  come  for  an 
hour  yet ;  for  the  banker  would  not  expend  money  in 
stabling  his  horses  at  the  inn,  and  had  accordingly  sent 
them  back  to  Bonn.  What  should  we  do  ?  There  is  a 
ruined  castle  at  Godesberg,  which  looks  down  upon  the 
fair  green  plain  of  the  Rhine,  where  Mr.  Blintzner's 
house  stands  (and  let  the  reader  be  thankful  that  I  don't 
give  a  description  of  scenery  here) :  there  is,  I  say,  a 
castle  at  Godesberg.  "  Explorons  le  shatto"  said  I ; 
which  elegant  French  Hirsch  translated  ;  and  this  sug 
gestion  was  adopted  by  the  five  Israelites,  to  the  fairest 
of  whom  I  offered  my  arm.  The  lovely  Minna  took  it, 
and  away  we  went ;  Wilder,  who  was  standing  at  the 
gate,  giving  me  a  nod,  to  say  all  was  right.  I  saw  him 
presently  strolling  up  the  hill  after  me,  with  a  Prussian 
officer,  with  whom  he  was  talking.  Old  Lowe  was  with 
his  daughter,  and  as  the  old  banker  was  infirm,  the  pair 
walked  but  slowly.  Monsieur  Hirsch  had  given  his 
arm  to  Madam  Solomon.  She  was  a  fat  woman  ;  the 
consequence  was,  that  Minna  and  I  were  soon  consider 
ably  ahead  of  the  rest  of  the  party,  and  were  ascending 
the  hill  alone.  I  said  several  things  to  her,  such  as  only 
lovers  say.  "  Com  il  fay  bo  issy"  says  I,  in  the  most 
insinuating  way.  No  answer.  " Es  ist  etwas  kalt" 
even  I  continued,  admirably  varying  my  phrase.  She 
did  not  speak;  she  was  agitated  by  the  events  of  the 
evening,  and  no  wonder. 

That  fair  round  arm  resting  on  mine, — that  lovely  crea 
ture  walking  by  my  side  in  the  calm  moonlight, — the 
silver  Rhine  flashing  before  us,  with  Drachenfels  and  the 
Seven  Mountains  rising  clear  in  the  distance, — the  music 
of  the  dance  coming  up  to  us  from  the  plain  below, — 


MISS    LOWE.  119 


the  path  winding  every  now  and  then  into  the  darkest 
foliage,  and  at  the  next  moment  giving  us  rich  views 
of  the  moonlit  river  and  plain  below.  Could  any  man 
but  feel  the  influence  of  a  scene  so  exquisitely  lovely  ? 

"  Minna,"  says  I,  as  she  wouldn't  speak, — "  Minna,  I 
love  you  ;  you  have  known  it  long,  long  ago,  I  know 
you  have.  Nay,  do  not  withdraw  your  hand  ;  your 
heart  has  spoken  for  me.  Be  mine  then  !"  and  taking 
her  hand,  I  kissed  it  rapturously,  and  should  have  pro 
ceeded  to  her  cheek,  no  doubt,  when she  gave  me 

a  swinging  box  on  the  ear,  started  back,  and  inconti 
nently  fell  a  screaming  as  loudly  as  any  woman  ever 
did. 

"  Minna,  Minna  !"  I  heard  the  voice  of  that  accursed 
Hirsch  shouting.  "  Minna,  meine  gattin  /"  and  he 
rushed  up  the  hill ;  and  Minna  flung  herself  into  his 
arms,  crying,  "  Lorenzo,  my  husband,  save  me  !" 

The  Lowe  family,  Wilder,  and  his  friend,  came  skur- 
rying  up  the  hill  at  the  same  time  ;  and  we  formed 
what  in  the  theatres  they  call  a  tableau. 

"  You  coward  !"  says  Minna,  her  eyes  flashing  fire, 
"  who  could  see  a  woman  insulted,  and  never  defend 
her?" 

"  You  coward  !"  roared  Ilirsch  ;  "  coward  as  well  as 
profligate !  You  communicated  to  me  your  lawless 
love  for  this  angel, — to  me,  her  affianced  husband  ;  and 
you  had  the  audacity  to  send  her  letters,  not  one  of 
which,  so  help  me  Heaven,  has  been  received.  Yes, 
you  will  laugh  at  Jews, — will  you,  you  brutal  English 
man  ?  You  will  insult  our  people, — will  you,  you  stupid 
islander  ?  Psha  !  I  spit  upon  you  !"  and  here  Monsieur 
Hirsch  snapped  his  fingers  in  my  face,  holding  Minna 


120  FITZT-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

at  the  same  time  round  the  waist,  who  thus  became  the 
little  monster's  buckler. 

****** 

They  presently  walked  away,  and  left  me  in  a  pleas 
ant  condition.  I  was  actually  going  to  fight  a  duel  on 
the  morrow  for  the  sake  of  this  fury,  arid  it  appeared 
she  had  flung  me  off  for  cowardice.  I  had  allowed 
myself  to  be  swindled  by  her  father,  and  insulted  by 
her  filthy  little  bridegroom,  and  for  what  ?  All  the 
consolation  I  got  from  Wilder  was, — "  I  told  you  tho, 
my  boy,  but  you  wouldn't  lithn,  you  great  thoopid, 
blundewing  ignowamuth  ;  and  now  I  shall  have  to  thee 
you  shot  and  buwied  to-morrow ;  and  I  dare  thay  you 
won't  even  remember  me  in  your  will.  Captain 
Schlager,"  continued  he,  presenting  me  to  his  com 
panion,  "  Mr.  Fitz-Boodle  ;  the  captain  acts  for  Ileer- 
pauk  in  the  morning,  and  we  were  just  talking  matters 
over,  when  Webecca  yonder  quied  out,  and  we  found 
her  in  the  armth  of  Bwian  de  Bois  Guilbert  here." 

Captain  Schlager  was  a  little,  social,  good-humoured 
man,  with  a  moustachio  of  a  straw  and  silver  mixed,  and 
a  brilliant  purple  sabre-cut  across  a  rose-coloured  nose. 
He  had  the  iron-cross  at  his  button-hole,  and  looked,  as 
he  was,  a  fierce  little  fighter.  But  he  was  too  kind- 
hearted  to  allow  of  two  boys  needlessly  cutting  each 
other's  throats ;  and  much  to  the  disappointment  of 
Wilder,  doubtless,  who  had  been  my  second  in  the  Mar 
tingale  affair,  and  enjoved  no  better  sport,  he  said  in 
English,  laughing,  "  \VJ,  make  your  mint  easy,  my 
goot  young  man,  I  tink  you  af  got  into  enough  sgrabes 
about  dis  tarn  Shewess ;  and  that  you  and  Heerpauk 
haf  no  need  to  blow  each  other's  brains  off." 


MISS    LOWE.  121 


"Ath   for   Fittli    apologithing,"   burst   out    Wilder, 
thal'th  out  of  the  quetlition.     We  gave  the  challenge, 
fou  know  ;  and  how  the  dooth  ith  we   to  apologithe 
now  ?" 

"  He  gave  the  challenge,  and  you  took  it,  and  you 
are  de  greatest  fool  of  de  two.  I  say  the  two  young 
men  shall  not  fight;"  and  then  the  honest  captain 
entered  into  a  history  of  the  worthy  family  of  Israel, 
which  would  have  saved  me  at  least  fifty  pounds  had  I 
known  it  sooner.  It  did  not  differ  in  substance  from 
what  Rohr  and  Wilder  had  both  told  me  in  the  morn 
ing.  The  venerable  Lowe  was  a  great  thief  and  extor 
tioner  ;  the  daughters  were  employed  as  decoy-ducks, 
in  the  first  place,  for  the  university  and  the  garrison, 
and  afterwards  for  young  strangers,  such  as  my  wise 
self,  who  visited  the  place.  There  was  some  very 
sad  story  about  the  elder  Miss  Lowe  and  a  tutor  from 
St.  John's  College,  Cambridge,  who  came  to  Bonn  on  a 
reading  tour  ;  but  I  am  not  at  liberty  to  set  down  here 
the  particulars.  And  with  regard  to  Minna,  there  was 
a  still  more  dismal  history.  A  fine,  handsome  young 
student,  the  pride  of  the  university,  had  first  ruined 
himself  through  the  offices  of  the  father,  and  then  shot 
himself  for  love  of  the  daughter  ;  from  which  time  the 
whole  town  had  put  the  family  into  Coventry  ;  nor  had 
they  appeared  for  two  years  in  public  until  upon  the 
present  occasion  with  me.  As  for  Monsieur  Hirsch,  he 
did  not  care.  He  was  of  a  rich  Frankfort  family  of  the 
people,  serving  his  apprenticeship  with  Lowe,  a  cousin, 
and  the  destined  husband  of  the  younger  daughter. 
He  traded  as  much  as  he  could  on  his  own  account, 
and  would  run  upon  any  errand,  and  buy  or  sell  any 
6 


12"2  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

thing  for  a  consideration.  And  so,  instead  of  fighting 
Captain  Heerpauk,  I  agreed  willingly  enough  to  go 
back  to  the  hotel  of  Godesberg,  and  shake  hands  with 
that  officer.  The  reconciliation,  or,  rather,  the 
acquaintance  between  us,  was  effected  over  a  bottle 
of  wine,  at  Mr.  Blintzner's  hotel ;  and  we  rode  comfort 
ably  back  in  a  drosky  together  to  Bonn,  where  the 
friendship  was  still  more  closely  cemented  by  a  supper. 
At  the  close  of  the  repast,  Heerpauk  made  a  speech  on 
England,  fatherland,  and  German  truth  and  love,  and 
kindly  saluted  me  with  a  kiss,  which  is  at  any  lady's 
service  who  peruses  this  little  narrative. 

As  for  Mr.  Hirsch,  it  must  be  confessed,  to  my 
shame,  that  the  next  morning  a  gentleman  having  the 
air  of  an  old  clothesman  off  duty  presented  me  with  an 
envelope,  containing  six  letters  of  my  composition 
addressed  to  Miss  Minna  Lowe  (among  them  was  a 
little  poem  in  English,  which  has  since  called  tears  from 
the  eyes  of  more  than  one  lovely  girl) ;  and,  further 
more,  a  letter  from  himself,  in  which  lie,  Baron  Hirsch, 
of  Hirschenwald  (the  scoundrel,  like  my  friend  Wilder, 
purchased  his  title  in  the  "  Awthtwian  Thervith") — in 
which  he,  I  say,  Baron  Hirsch,  of  Hirschenwald,  chal 
lenged  me  for  insulting  Miss  Minna  Lowe,  or  demanded 
an  apology. 

This,  I  said,  Mr.  Hirsch  might  have  whenever  he 
chose  to  come  and  fetch  it,  pointing  to  a  horsewhip 
which  lay  in  a  corner ;  but  that  he  must  come  early, 
as  I  proposed  to  quit  Bonn  the  next  morning.  The 
baron's  friend,  hearing  this,  asked  whether  I  would  like 
some  remarkably  fine  cigars  for  my  excursion,  which 
he  could  give  me  a  great  bargain  ?  He  was  then  shewn 


MISS    LOWE.  123 


to  the  door  by  my  body-servant ;  nor  did  Hirsch  von 
Hirscbenwald  come  for  tbe  apology. 

Twice  every  year,  however,  I  get  a  letter  from  him, 
dated  Frankfort,  and  proposing  to  make  me  a  present 
of  a  splendid  palace  in  Austria  or  Bohemia,  or  200,000 
florins,  should  I  prefer  money.  I  saw  his  lady  at 
Frankfort  only  last  year,  in  a  front  box  at  the  theatre, 
loaded  with  diamonds,  and  at  least  sixteen  stone  in 
weight. 

Ah !  Minna,  Minna !  thou  mayest  grow  to  be  as 
ugly  as  sin,  and  as  fat  as  Daniel  Lambert,  but  I  have 
the  amber  mouth-piece  still,  and  swear  that  the  prettiest 
lips  in  Jewry  have  kissed  it ! 

The  MS.  here  concludes  with  a  rude  design  of  a 
young  lady  smoking  a  pipe. 


124  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


DOROTHEA. 


THE  reason  why  my  Memoirs  have  not  been  continued 
with  that  regularity  which,  I  believe,  is  considered  re 
quisite  by  professional  persons,  in  order  to  ensure  the 
success  of  their  work,  is  a  very  simple  one — I  have  been 
otherwise  engaged  ;  and  as  I  do  not  care  one  straw 
whether  the  public  do  or  do  not  like  my  speculations 
(heartily  pitying,  and  at  the  same  time  despising,  those 
poor  devils  who  write  under  different  circumstances) — 
as  I  say,  I  was  in  Scotland  shooting  grouse  for  some 
time  past,  coming  home  deucedly  tired  of  evenings, 
which  I  devoted  to  a  cigar  and  a  glass  of  toddy,  it  was 
quite  impossible  to  satisfy  the  curiosity  of  the  public. 
I  bagged  1114  brace  of  grouse  in  sixty  days,  besides 
dancing  in  kilt  before  her  M — y  at  Bl — r  Ath — 1.  By 
the  way,  when  Mr.  F — x  M — le  gives  away  cairn- 
gorums,  he  may  as  well  say  whose  property  they  are. 
I  lent  the  man  the  very  stone  out  of  a  snuff-mull  with 
which  Charles  Edward  complimented  iny  great-great- 
aunt,  Flora  MacWhirter. 

The  worthy  publisher  sent  me  down  his  Magazine  to 
Dunkeld  (a  good  deal  of  it  will  be  found  in  wadding 
over  the  moors,  and  perhaps  in  the  birds  which  I  sent 
him),  and,  at  the  same  time,  he  dispatched  some  cri- 


DOROTHEA.  125 


tiques,  both  epistolary  and  newspaperacious,  upon  the 
former  chapter  of  my  Memoirs.  The  most  indignant  of 
the  manuscript  critiques  came  from  a  member  of  the 
Hebrew  persuasion.  And  what  do  you  think  is  the 
opinion  of  this  Lion  of  Judah  ?  Simply  that  George 
Savage  Fitz-Boodle  is  a  false  name,  assumed  by  some 
coward,  whose  intention  it  is  to  insult  the  Jewish 
religion  !  He  says  that  my  history  of  the  Lowe  family 
is  a  dastardly  attack  upon  the  people !  How  is  it  so  ? 
Tf  I  say  that  an  individual  Christian  is  a  rogue,  do  I 
impugn  the  professors  of  the  whole  Christian  religion  ? 
Can  my  Hebrew  critic  say  that  a  Hebrew  banker  never 
cheated  in  matters  of  exchange,  or  that  a  Hebrew  was 
never  guilty  of  a  roguery  ?  If  so,  what  was  the  gold- 
dust  robbery,  and  why  is  Ikey  Solomons  at  Botany 
Bay  ?  No  ;  the  Lion  of  Judah  may  be  a  good  lion,  but 
he  is  a  deucedly  bad  arguer, — nay,  he  is  a  bad  lion,  he 
roars  before  he  is  hurt.  Be  calm,  thou  red-maned 
desert-ronrer,  the  arrows  of  Fitz-Boodle  have  no  poison 
at  their  tip,  and  are  shot  only  in  play. 

I  never  wished  to  attack  the  Jewish  nation  ;  far  from 
it,  T  have  three  bills  now  out ;  nor  is  he  right  in  saying 
that  I  have  made  a  dastardly  statement,  which  I  have 
given  under  a  false  name ;  just  the  contrary,  my  name 
is,  as  everybody  knows,  my  real  name, — it  is  the  state 
ment  which  is  false,  and  I  confess  there  is  not  one  word 
of  truth  in  it — I  never  knew,  to  my  knowledge,  any 
Hirsch  or  Lowe  in  my  life ;  I  never  was  with  Minna 
Lowe  ;  the  adventures  never  did  occur  at  Bonn.  Is 
my  friend  now  satisfied  ?  Let  him  remember,  in  the 
first  place,  that  the  tale  is  related  of  individuals,  and  not 
of  his  people  at  large ;  and  in  the  second  place,  that 


126  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

the  statement  is  not  true.  If  that  won't  satisfy  him, 
what  will  ?  Rabbi,  let  us  part  in  peace  !  Neither  thee 
nor  thy  like  would  George  Fitz-Boodle  ever  willingly 
harm — neither  thee  nor  any  bearded  nor  unbearded 
man.  If  there  be  no  worse  rogues  in  Jewry,  the  people 
is  more  lucky  than  the  rest  of  the  world,  and  the  fact 
is  good  to  be  known. 

And  now  for  the  second  objections.  These  are 
mainly  of  one  kind — most  of  the  journalists,  from 
whose  works  pleasing  extracts  have  been  made,  concur 
ring  in  stating,  that  the  last  paper,  which  the  Hebrew 
thought  so  dangerous,  was,  what  is  worse  still,  exceed 
ingly  stupid. 

This  disgusting  unanimity  of  sentiment  at  first 
annoyed  me  a  good  deal,  for  I  was  pained  to  think 
that  success  so  soon  bred  envy,  and  that  the  members 
of  the  British  press  could  not  bear  to  see  an  amateur 
enter  the  lists  with  them,  and  carry  off  laurels  for  which 
they  had  been  striving  long  years  in  vain.  Is  there  no 
honesty  left  in  the  world,  I  thought  ?  And  the  thought 
gave  me  extreme  pain,  for,  though  (as  in  the  Hebrew 
case  above  mentioned)  I  love  occasionally  to  disport 
with  the  follies  and  expose  the  vices  of  individuals,  to 
attribute  envy  to  a  whole  class  is  extremely  disagreeable 
to  one  whose  feelings  are  more  than  ordinarily  bene 
volent  and  pure. 

An  idea  here  struck  me.  I  said  to  myself,  "  Fitz- 
Boodle  !  perhaps  the  paper  is  stupid,  and  the  critics  are 
right."  I  read  the  paper  :  I  found  that  it  ivas  abomi 
nably  stupid,  and,  as  I  fell  asleep  over  it,  an  immense 
repose  and  calm  came  over  my  mind,  and  I  woke 
reconciled  with  human  nature. 


DOROTHEA.  127 


Let  authors  consider  the  above  fact  well,  and  draw 
their  profit  from  it.  I  have  met  with  many  men,  who, 
like  myself,  fancy  themselves  the  victims  of  a  con 
spiracy — martyrs ;  but,  in  the  long  run,  the  world  and 
the  critics  of  nowadays  are  generally  right ;  they  praise 
too  much  perhaps,  they  puff  a  small  reputation  into  a 
huge  one,  but  they  do  not  neglect  much  that  is  good  ; 
and,  if  literary  gentlemen  would  but  bear  this  truth  in 
mind,  what  a  deal  of  pain  and  trouble  might  they  spare 
themselves !  There  would  be  no  despair,  ill-humour, 
no  quarrelling  with  your  fellow-creatures,  nor  jaundiced 
moody  looks  upon  nature  and  the  world.  Instead  of 
crying  the  world  is  wicked — all  men  are  bad,  is  it  not 
wiser,  my  brethren,  to  say,  "  I  am  an  ass  ?"  let  me  be 
content  to  know  that,  nor  anathematise  universal  man 
kind  for  not  believing  in  me.  It  is  a  well-known  fact, 
that  no  natural  man  can  see  the  length  of  his  own  ears  ; 
it  is  only  the  glass — the  reflection  that  shows  them  to 
him.  Let  the  critics  be  our  glass,  I  am  content  to 
believe  that  they  are  pretty  honest,  that  they  are  not 
actuated  b}T  personal  motives  of  hatred  in  falling  foul 
of  me  and  others ;  and  this  being  premised,  I  resume 
the  narration  of  my  adventures.  If  this  chapter  don't 
please  them,  they  must,  indeed,  be  very  hard  to  amuse. 

Beyond  sparring  and  cricket,  I  do  not  recollect  I 
learned  any  thing  useful  at  Slaughter  House  School, 
where  I  was  educated  (according  to  an  old  family 
tradition,  which  sends  particular  generations  of  gentle 
men  to  particular  schools  in  the  kingdom  ;  and  such  is 
the  force  of  habit,  that,  though  I  hate  the  place,  I  shall 
send  my  own  son  thither  too,  should  I  marry  any  day) 
I  say  I  learned  little  that  was  useful  at  Slaughter 


128  FITZ-DOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


House,  and  nothing  that  was  ornamental.  I  would  as 
soon  have  thought  of  learning  to  dance  as  of  learning 
to  climb  chimneys.  Up  to  the  age  of  seventeen,  as  I 
have  shewn,  I  had  a  great  contempt  for  the  female 
race,  and  when  age  brought  with  it  warmer  and  juster 
sentiments,  where  was  I  ? — I  could  no  more  dance  nor 
prattle  to  a  young  girl  than  a  young  bear  could.  I 
have  seen  the  ugliest,  little,  low-bred  wretches,  carrying 
off  young  and  lovely  creatures,  twirling  with  them  in 
waltzes,  whispering  between  their  glossy  curls  in 
quadrilles,  simpering  with  perfect  equanimity,  and 
cutting  pas  in  that  abominable  cavalier  seul,  until  my 
soul  grew  sick  with  fury.  In  a  word,  I  determined  to 
learn  to  dance. 

But  such  things  are  hard  to  be  acquired  late  in  life, 
when  the  bones  and  the  habits  of  a  man  are  formed. 
Look  at  a  man  in  a  hunting  field  who  has  not  been 
taught  to  ride  as  a  boy.  All  the  pluck  and  courage  in 
the  world  will  not  make  the  man  of  him  that  I  am,  or 
as  any  man  who  has  had  the  advantages  of  early 
education  in  the  field. 

In  the  same  way  with  dancing.  Though  I  went  to 
work  with  immense  energy,  both  in  Brewer  Street, 
Golden  Square  (with  an  advertising  fellow),  and  after 
wards  with  old  Coulon  at  Paris,  I  never  was  able  to  be 
easy  in  dancing ;  and  though  little  Coulon  instructed 
me  in  a  smile,  it  was  a  cursed  forced  one,  that  looked 
like  the  grin  of  a  person  in  extreme  agony.  I  once 
caught  sight  of  it  in  a  glass,  and  have  hardly  ever 
smiled  since. 

Most  young  men  about  London  have  gone  through 
that  strange  secret  ordeal  of  the  dancing-school.  I  am 


DOROTHEA.  129 


given  to  understand,  that  young  snobs  from  attorneys* 
offices,  banks,  shops,  and  the  like,  make  not  the  least 
mystery  of  their  proceedings  in  the  saltatory  line,  but 
trip  gaily,  with  pumps  in  hand,  to  some  dancing  place 
about  Soho,  waltz  and  quadrille  it  with  Miss  Green 
grocer  or  Miss  Butcher,  and  fancy  they  have  had  rather 
a  pleasant  evening.  There  is  one  house  in  Dover 
Street,  where,  behind  a  dirty  curtain,  such  figures  may 
be  seen  hopping  every  night,  to  a  perpetual  fiddling ; 
and  I  have  stood  sometimes  wondering  in  the  streets, 
with  about  six  blackguard  boys  wondering  too,  at  the 
strange  contortions  of  the  figures  jumping  up  and  down 
to  the  mysterious  squeaking  of  the  kit.  Have  they  no 
shame  ces  gens?  are  such  degrading  initiations  to  be 
held  in  public  ?  No,  the  snob  may,  but  the  man  of 
refined  mind  never  can  submit  to  shew  himself  in  public 
labouring  at  the  apprenticeship  of  this  most  absurd  art. 
It  is  owing,  perhaps,  to  this  modesty,  and  the  fact  that 
I  had  no  sisters  at  home,  that  I  have  never  thoroughly 
been  able  to  dance  ;  for  though  I  always  arrive  at  the 
end  of  a  quadrille  (and  thank  Heaven  for  it  too !)  and 
though,  I  believe,  I  make  no  mistake  in  particular,  yet 
I  solemnly  confess  I  have  never  been  able  thoroughly 
to  comprehend  the  mysteries  of  it,  or  what  I  have  been 
about  from  the  beginning  to  the  end  of  the  dance.  I 
always  look  at  the  lady  opposite,  and  do  as  she  does ; 
if  she  did  not  know  how  to  dance,  par  hazard,  it  would 
be  all  up  ;  but  if  they  can't  do  any  thing  else,  women 
can  dance,  let  us  give  them  that  praise  at  least. 

In  London,  then,  for  a  considerable  time,  I  used  to 
get  up  at  eight  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  pass  an 
hour  alone  with  Mr.  Wilkinson,  of  the  Theatres  Royal, 
6* 


130  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

in  Golden  Square  ; — an  hour  alone.  It  was  "  one,  two, 
three  ;  one,  two,  three — now  jump — right  foot  mora 
out,  Mr.  Smith ;  and  if  you  could,  try  and  look  a  little 
more  cheerful ;  your  partner,  sir,  would  like  you  hall 
the  better."  Wilkinson  called  me  Smith,  for  the  fact 
is,  I  did  not  tell  him  my  real  name,  nor  (thank  Heaven !) 
does  he  know  it  to  this  day. 

I  never  breathed  a  word  of  my  doings  to  any  soul 
among  my  friends ;  once  a  pack  of  them  met  me  in  the 
strange  neighbourhood,  when,  I  am  ashamed  to  say,  I 
muttered  something  about  a  "little  French  milliner," 
and  walked  off,  looking  as  knowing  as  I  could. 

In  Paris,  two  Cambridge  men  and  myself,  who 
happened  to  be  staying  at  a  boarding-house  together, 
agreed  to  go  to  Coulon,  a  little  creature  of  four  feet 
high  with  a  pig-tail.  His  room  was  hung  round  with 
glasses.  He  made  us  take  off  our  coats,  and  dance 
each  before  a  mirror  ;  once  he  was  standing  before  us 
playing  on  his  kit — the  sight  of  the  little  master  and 
the  pupil  was  so  supremely  ridiculous,  that  I  burst  into 
a  yell  of  laughter,  which  so  offended  the  old  man,  that 
he  walked  away  abruptly,  and  begged  me  not  to  repeat 
my  visits.  Nor  did  I.  I  was  just  getting  into  waltzing 
then,  but  determined  to  drop  waltzing  and  content 
myself  with  quadrilling  for  the  rest  of  my  days. 

This  was  all  very  well  in  France  and  England  ;  but 
in  Germany,  what  was  I  to  do  ?  What  did  Hercules 
do  when  Omphale  captivated  him  ?  What  did  Rin- 
aldo  do  when  Armida  fixed  upon  him  her  twinkling 
eyes?  Nay,  to  cut  all  historical  instances  short,  by 
going  at  once  to  the  earliest,  what  did  Adam  do  when 
Eve  tempted  him  ?  he  yielded  and  became  her  slave, 


DOROTHEA.  131 


and  so  do  I  heartily  trust  every  honest  man  will  yield 
until  the  end  of  the  world — he  has  no  heart  who  will 
not.  When  I  was  in  Germany,  I  say,  I  began  to  learn 
to  waltz.  The  reader  from  this  will  no  doubt  expect, 
that  some  new  love-adventures  befell  me — nor  will  his 
gentle  heart  be  disappointed.  Two  deep  and  tremen 
dous  incidents  occurred  which  shall  be  notified  on  the 
present  occasion. 

The  reader,  perhaps,  remembers  the  brief  appear 
ance  of  his  Highness  the  Duke  of  Kalbsbraten  Pumper 
nickel,  at  B House,  in  the  first  part  of  my  Memoirs, 

at  that  unlucky  period  of  my  life  when  the  Duke  was 
led  to  remark  the  odour  about  my  clothes,  which  lost 
me  the  hand  of  Mary  M'Alister.  After  the  upshot  of 
the  affair  with  Minna  Lowe,  (I  cannot  say  but  that  for 
a  time  I  was  dreadfully  cut  up  by  her  behaviour),  I 
somehow  found  myself  in  his  Highness's  territories,  of 
which  anybody  may  read  a  description  in  the  Almanack 
de  Gotha.  His  Highness's  father,  as  is  well  known, 
married  Emilia  Kunegunda  Thomasina  Charleria  Ema- 
nuela  Louisa  Georgina,  Princess  of  Saxe-Pumpernickel, 
and  a  cousin  of  his  Highness  the  Duke.  Thus  the  two 
principalities  were  united  under  one  happy  sovereign  in 
the  person  of  Philibert  Sigismund  Emanuel  Maria,  the 
reigning  Duke,  who  has  received  from  his  country  (on 
account  of  the  celebrated  pump  which  he  erected  in  the 
market  place  of  Kalbsbraten)  the  well-merited  appella 
tion  of  the  Magnificent.  The  allegory  which  the  statues 
round  about  the  pump  represent,  is  of  a  very  mysterious 
and  complicated  sort.  Minerva  is  observed  leading  up 
Ceres  to  a  river  god,  who  has  his  arms  round  the  neck 
of  Pomona;  while  Mars  (in  a  full-bottomod  wig)  is 


132  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSION'S. 

driven  away  by  Peace,  under  whose  mantle  two  lovely 
children  representing  the  Duke's  two  provinces,  repose. 
The  celebrated  Speck  is,  as  need  scarcely  be  said,  the 
author  of  this  piece  ;  and  of  other  magnificent  edifices 
in  the  Residenz,  such  as  the  guard-room,  the  skittle-hall 
(Gfrosshergoylich  Kalbsbraten  pumpcrnickelisch  schkll- 
hlspiel  saor/),  &c.,  and  the  superb  sentry-boxes  before 
the  grand-ducal  palace.  He  is  Knight  Grand  Cross  of 
the  ancient  Kartoffel  order,  as,  indeed,  is  almost  every 
one  else  in  his  Highness's  dominions. 

The  town  of  Kalbsbraten  contains  a  population  of 
two  thousand  inhabitants,  and  a  palace  which  would 
accommodate  about  six  times  that  number.  The  prin 
cipality  sends  three  and  a  half  men  to  the  German 
Confederation,  who  are  commanded  by  a  general  (ex 
cellency),  two  major-generals,  and  sixty-four  officers  of 
lower  grades ;  all  noble,  all  knights  of  the  order,  and 
almost  all  chamberlains  to  his  Highness  the  Grand 

*D 

Duke.  An  excellent  band  of  eighty  performers  is  the 
admiration  of  the  surrounding  country,  and  leads  the 
grand-ducal  troops  to  battle  in  time  of  war.  Only  three 
of  the  contingent  of  soldiers  returned  from  the  battle 
of  Waterloo,  where  they  won  much  honour  ;  the  remain 
der  was  cut  to  pieces  on  that  glorious  day. 

There  is  a  chamber  of  representatives  (which,  how 
ever,  nothing  can  induce  to  sit),  home  and  foreign 
ministers,  residents  from  neighbouring  courts,  law  pre 
sidents,  town  councils,  &c.,  all  the  adjuncts  of  a  big  or 
little  government.  The  court  has  its  chamberlains  and 
marshals,  the  Grand  Dtichers  her  noble  ladies  in  waiting 
and  blushing  maids  of  honour.  Thou  wert  one,  Doro 
thea  !  Dost  remember  the  poor  young  Englander  ? 


DOROTHEA.  133 


"We  parted  in  anger ;  but  I  think — I  think  thou  hast 
not  forgotten  him. 

The  way  in  which  I  have  Dorothea  vori  Speck  pre 
sent  to  my  mind  is  this, — not  as  I  first  saw  her  in  the 
garden,  for  her  hair  was  in  bandeaux  then,  and  a  large 
Leghorn  hat,  with  a  deep  riband,  covered  half  her  fair 
face, — not  in  a  morning-dress,  which,  by  the  way,  was 
none  of  the  newest  nor  the  best  made — but  as  I  saw 
her  afterwards  at  a  ball  at  the  pleasant,  splendid  little 
court,  where  she  moved  the  most  beautiful  of  the  beau 
ties  of  Kalbsbraten.  The  grand  saloon  of  the  palace  is 
lighted — the  Grand  Duke  and  his  officers,  the  Duchess 
and  her  ladies,  have  passed  through.  I,  in  my  uniform 

of  the th,  and  a  number  of  young  fellows  (who  are 

evidently  admiring  my  legs  and  envying  my  distingue 
appearance),  are  waiting  round  the  entrance-door,  where 
a  huge  Heyduke  is  standing,  and  announcing  the  titles 
of  the  guests  as  they  arrive. 

"  HERR  OBERHOF  UND  BAU  INSPEKTOR  VON  SPECK  !" 
shouts  the  Heyduke ;  and  the  little  inspector  comes  in. 
His  lady  is  on  his  arm — huge,  in  towering  plumes,  and 
her  favourite  costume  of  light  blue.  P'air  women 
always  dress  in  light  blue  or  light  green  ;  and  Frau  von 
Speck  is  very  fair  and  stout. 

But  who  comes  behind  her  ?  T.ieber  Hiramel !  It  is 
Dorothea  !  Did  earth,  among  all  the  flowers  which 
have  sprung  from  its  bosom,  produce  ever  one  more 
beautiful  ?  She  was  none  of  your  heavenly  beauties, 
I  tell  you.  She  had  nothing  etherial  about  her.  No, 
sir ;  she  was  of  the  earth  earthy,  and  must  have  weighed 
ten  stone  four  or  five,  if  she  weighed  an  ounce.  She 
had  none  of  your  Chinese  feet,  nor  waspy,  unhealthy 


134 

waists,  which  those  may  admire  who  will.  No ;  Dora's 
foot  was  a  good  stout  one ;  you  could  see  her  ankle 
(if  her  robe  was  short  enough)  without  the  aid  of  a 
microscope  ;  and  that  envious,  little,  sour,  skinny  Amalia 
von  Mangel wurzel,  used  to  hold  up  her  four  fingers, 
and  say  (the  two  girls  were  most  intimate  friends,  of 
course),  "  Dear  Dorothea's  vaist  is  so  much  dicker  a& 
dis ;"  and  so  I  have  no  doubt  it  was. 

But  what  then  ?  Goethe  sings  in  one  of  his  divine 
epigrams  : — 

"  Epicures  vaunting  their  taste,  entitle  me  vulgar  and  savage, 
-  Give  them  their  Brussels-sprouts,  but  I  am  contented  with 
cabbage." 

I  hate  your  little  women,  that  is  when  I  am  in  love 
with  a  tall  one ;  and  who  would  not  have  loved  Doro 
thea  ? 

Fancy  her,  then,  if  you  please,  about  five  feet  four 
inches  high — fancy  her  in  the  family  colour  of  light 
blue,  a  little  scarf  covering  the  most  brilliant  shoulders 
in  the  world ;  and  a  pair  of  gloves  clinging  close 
round  an  arm  that  may,  perhaps,  be  somewhat  too 
large  now,  but  that  Juno  might  have  envied  then. 
After  the  fashion  of  young  ladies  on  the  continent,  she 
wears  no  jewels  or  gimcracks ;  her  only  ornament  is  a 
wreath  of  vine-leaves  in  her  hair,  with  little  clusters  of 
artificial  grapes.  Down  on  her  shoulders  falls  the 
brown  hair,  in  rich  liberal  clusters  ;  all  that  health,  and 
good-humour,  and  beauty,  can  do  for  her  face,  kind 
Nature  has  done  for  hers.  Her  eyes  are  frank,  spark 
ling,  and  kind.  As  for  her  cheeks,  what  paint-box  or 
dictionary  contains  pigments  or  words  to  describe  their 


DOROTHEA.  135 


red  ?  They  say  she  opens  her  mouth  and  smiles  always 
to  shew  the  dimples  in  her  cheeks.  Psha  !  she  smiles 
because  she  is  happy,  and  kind,  and  good-humoured, 
and  not  because  her  teeth  are  little  pearls. 

All  the  young  fellows  crowd  up  to  ask  her  to  dance, 
and  taking  from  her  waist  a  little  mother-of-pearl  re 
membrancer,  she  notes  them  down.  Old  Schnabel  for 
the  Polonaise ;  Klingenspohr,  first  waltz ;  Haarbart, 
second  waltz ;  Count  Hornpieper  (the  Danish  envoy), 
third  ;  and  so  on.  I  have  said  why  /  could  not  ask 
her  to  waltz,  and  turned  away  with  a  pang,  and  played 
ecarte  with  Colonel  Trumpeiipack  all  night. 

In  thus  introducing  this  lovely  creature  in  her  ball- 
costume,  I  have  been  somewhat  premature,  and  had 
best  go  back  to  the  beginning  of  the  history  of  rny 
acquaintance  with  her. 

Dorothea,  then,  was  the  daughter  of  the  celebrated 
Speck  before  mentioned.  It  is  one  of  the  oldest  names 
in  Germany,  where  her  father's  and  mother's  houses, 
those  of  Speck  and  Ever,  are  loved  wherever  they  are 
known.  Unlike  his  warlike  progenitor,  Lorenzo  Von 
Speck,  Dorothea's  father  had  early  shewn  himself  a 
passionate  admirer  of  art ;  had  quitted  home  to  study 
architecture  in  Italy,  and  had  become  celebrated  through 
out  Europe,  and  Ober  Hof  architekt,  and  Kunstundbau 
inspektor  of  the  united  principalities.  They  are  but 
four  miles  wide,  and  his  genius  has  consequently  but 
little  room  to  play.  What  art  can  do,  however,  he 
does.  The  palace  is  frequently  whitewashed  under 
his  eyes ;  the  theatre  painted  occasionally ;  the  noble 
public  buildings  erected,  of  which  I  have  already  made 
mention. 


136 

Smarting  with  recollections  of  Minna,  I  had  come  to 
Kalbsbraten,  scarce  knowing  whither  I  went ;  and  hav 
ing,  in  about  ten  minutes,  seen  the  curiosities  of  the 
place  (I  did  not  care  to  see  the  king's  palace,  for  chairs 
and  tables  have  no  great  charm  for  me),  I  had  ordered 
horses,  and  wanted  to  get  on  I  cared  not  whither,  when 
Fate  threw  Dorothea  in  my  way.  I  was  yawning  back 
to  the  hotel  through  the  palace-garden,  a  valet-de-place 
at  mv  side,  when  I  saw  a  young  lady  seated  under  a 
tree  reading  a  novel,  her  mamma  on  the  same  bench  (a 
fat  woman  in  light  blue)  knitting  a  stocking,  and  two 
officers,  choked  in  their  stays,  with  various  orders  on 
their  spinach-coloured  coats,  standing  by  in  first  atti 
tudes — the  one  was  caressing  the  fat-lady-in-blue's  little 
dog  ;  the  other  was  twirling  his  own  moustache  which 
was  already  as  nearly  as  possible  curled  into  his  own 
eye. 

I  don't  know  how  it  is,  but  I  hate  to  see  men,  evi 
dently  intimate  with  nice-looking  women,  and  on  good 
terms  with  themselves.  There's  something  annoying  in 
their  cursed  complacency — their  evident  sunshiny  hap 
piness.  I've  no  woman  to  make  sunshine  for  me  ;  and 
yet  my  heart  tells  me,  that  not  one,  but  several  such 
suns,  would  do  good  to  my  system. 

"  Who  are  those  pert-looking  officers,"  says  I,  pee 
vishly,  to  the  guide,  "  who  are  talking  to  those  vulgar- 
looking  women  ?" 

"  The  big  one,  with  the  epaulets,  is  Major  von  Schna- 
bel ;  the  little  one,  with  the  pale  face,  is  Stiefel  von 
Klingenspohr." 

"  And  the  big  blue  woman  ?" 

"  The    Grand -ducal    Pumpernickelian-oourt-architec- 


DOROTHEA.  137 


tress  and  Upper  Palace-and-building-inspectress,  Von 
Speck,  born  V.  Eyer,"  replied  the  guide.  "  Your  well 
born  honour  has  seen  the  pump  in  the  market-place  ; 
that  is  the  work  of  the  great  Von  Speck." 

"  And  yonder  young  person  ?" 

"  Mr.  Court-architect's  daughter  ;  the  Fraiilein  Do 
rothea." 

****** 

Dorothea  looked  up  from  her  novel  here,  and  turned 
her  face  towards  the  stranger  who  was  passing,  and 
then  blushing  turned  it  down  again.  Schnabel  looked 
at  me  with  a  scowl,  Klingenspohr  with  a  simper,  the 
dog  with  a  yelp,  the  fat  lady  in  blue  just  gave  one 
glance,  and  seemed,  I  thought,  rather  well  pleased. 
"  Silence,  Lischen  !"  said  she  to  the  dog.  "  Go  on, 
darling  Dorothea,"  she  added,  to  her  daughter,  who 
continued  her  novel. 

Her  voice  wras  a  little  tremulous,  but  very  low  and 
rich.  For  some  reason  or  other,  on  getting  back  to  the 
inn,  I  countermanded  the  horses,  and  said  I  would  stay 
for  the  night. 

I  not  only  staid  that  night,  but  many,  many  after 
wards,  and  as  for  the  manner  in  which  I  became 
acquainted  with  the  Speck  family,  why  it  was  a  good 
joke  against  me  at  the  time,  and  I  did  not  like  then  to 
have  it  known,  but  now  it  may  as  well  come  out  at 
once.  Speck,  as  every  body  knows,  lives  in  the  market 
place,  opposite  his  grand  work  of  art,  the  town-pump, 
or  fountain.  I  bought  a  large  sheet  of  paper,  and  hav 
ing  a  knack  at  drawing,  sat  down,  with  the  greatest 
gravity,  before  the  pump,  and  sketched  it  for  several 
hours.  I  knew  it  would  bring  out  old  Speck  to  see. 


133  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

At  first  he  contented  himself  by  flattening  his  nose 
against  the  window-glasses  of  his  study,  and  looking 
what  the  Englander  was  about.  Then  he  put  on  his 
grey  cap  with  the  huge  green  shade,  and  sauntered  to 
the  door  :  then  he  walked  round  me,  and  formed  one 
of  a  band  of  street-idlers  who  were  looking  on  :  then  at 
last  he  could  restrain  himself  no  more,  but  pulling  off 
his  cap,  with  a  low  bow,  began  to  discourse  upon  arts 
and  architecture  in  particular. 

"It  is  curious,"  says  he,  "that  you  have  taken  the 
same  view  of  which  a  print  has  been  engraved." 

"  That  is  extraordinary,"  says  I,  (though  it  wasn't, 
for  I  had  traced  my  drawing  at  a  window7  off  the  very 
print  in  question.)  I  added  that  I  was,  like  all  the 
world,  immensely  struck  with  the  beauty  of  the  edifice; 
heard  of  it  at  Rome,  where  it  was  considered  to  be  su 
perior  to  any  of  the  celebrated  fountains  of  that  capital 
of  the  fine  arts  ;  finally,  that  if,  perhaps,  the  celebrated 
fountain  of  Aldgate  in  London  might  compare  with  it, 
Kalbsbraten  building,  except  in  that  case,  was  incom 
parable. 

This  speech  I  addressed  in  French,  of  which  the 
worthy  Hof-architekt  understood  somewhat,  and  con 
tinuing  to  reply  in  German,  our  conversation  grew 
pretty  close.  It  is  singular  that  I  can  talk  to  a  man, 
and  pay  him  compliments  witli  the  utmost  gravity, 
whereas,  to  a  woman,  I  at  once  lose  all  self-possession, 
and  have  never  said  a  prettv  thin  or  in  mv  life. 

I  i/  O  •/ 

My  operations  on  old  Speck  were  so  conducted,  that 
in  a  quarter  of  an  hour  I  had  elicited  from  him  an  invi 
tation  to  go  over  the  town  with  him,  and  see  its  archi 
tectural  beauties.  So  we  walked  through  the  huge 


DOROTHEA.  139 


half-furnished  chambers  of  the  palace,  we  panted  up  the 
copper  pinnacle  of  the  church-tower,  we  went  to  see  the 
Museum  and  Gymnasium,  and  coming  back  into  the 
market-place  again,  what  could  the  Hof-architekt  do 
but  offer  me  a  glass  of  wine  and  a  seat  in  his  house  ? 
He  introduced  me  to  his  gattin,  his  Leocadia  (the  fat 
woman  in  blue),  "  as  a  young  world  observer,  and 
worthy  art-friend,  a  young  scion  of  British  Adel,  who 
had  come  to  refresh  himself  at  the  urquellece  of  his 
race,  and  see  his  brethren  of  the  great  family  of  Herr- 
man." 

I  saw  instantly  that  the  old  fellow  was  of  a  romantic 
turn,  from  this  rhodornontade  to  his  lady  :  nor  was  she 
a  whit  less  so  ;  nor  was  Dorothea  less  sentimental  than 
her  mamma.  She  knew  every  thing  regarding  the 
literature  of  Albion,  as  she  was  pleased  to  call  it ;  and 
asked  me  news  of  all  the  famous  writers  there.  I  told 
her  that  Miss  Edgeworth  was  one  of  the  loveliest  young 
beauties  at  our  court ;  I  described  to  her  Lady  Morgan, 
herself  as  beautiful  as  the  wild  Irish  girl  she  drew  ; 
I  promised  to  give  her  a  signature  of  Mrs.  Hemans 
(which  I  wrote  for  her  that  very  evening) ;  and  describ 
ed  a  fox-hunt,  at  which  I  had  seen  Thomas  Moore  and 
Samuel  Rogers,  Esquires  ;  and  a  boxing-match,  in  which 
the  athletic  author  of  Pelham  was  pitched  against  the 
hardy  mountain-bard,  Wordsworth.  You  see  my  edu 
cation  was  not  neglected,  for  though  I  have  never  read 
the  works  of  the  above-named  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
yet  I  knew  their  names  well  enough. 

Time  passed  away. — I,  perhaps,  was  never  so  brilliant 
in  conversation  as  when  excited  by  the  Assmanshauser 
and  the  brilliant  eyes  of  Dorothea  that  day.  She  and 


140  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

her  parents  had  dined  at  their  usual  heathen  hour  ;  but 
I  was,  I  don't  care  to  own  it,  so  smitten,  that,  for  the 
first  time  in  my  life,  I  did  not  even  miss  the  meal,  and 
talked  on  until  six  o'clock,  when  tea  was  served.  Ma 
dame  Speck  said  they  always  drunk  it ;  and  so  placing 
a  tea-spoonful  of  bohea  in  a  caldron  of  water,  she 
placidly  handed  out  this  decoction,  which  we  took  with 
cakes  and  sardines.  I  leave  you  to  imagine  how  dis 
gusted  Klingenspohr  and  Schnabel  looked  when  they 
stepped  in  as  usual  that  evening  to  make  their  party  of 
whist  with  the  Speck  family  !  Down  they  were  obliged 
to  sit — and  the  lovely  Dorothea,  for  that  night,  declin- 
*ed  to  play  altogether,  and — sat  on  the  sofa  by  me. 

What  we  talked  about,  who  shall  tell  ?  I  would 
not,  for  my  part,  break  the  secret  of  one  of  those  deli 
cious  conversations,  of  which  I  and  every  man  in  his 
time  have  held  so  many.  You  begin,  very  probably, 
about  the  weather — 'tis  a  common  subject,  but  what 
sentiments  the  genius  of  Love  can  fling  into  it !  I 
have  often,  for  my  part,  said  to  the  girl  of  my  heart  for 
the  time  being,  "  It's  a  fine  day,"  or,  "  It's  a  rainy 
morning  !".in  a  way  that  has  brought  tears  to  her  eyes. 
Something  beats  in  your  heart,  and  twangle  !  a  cor 
responding  string  thrills  and  echoes  in  hers.  You  offer 
her  any  thing — her  knitting-needles,  a  slice  of  bread 
and  butter — what  causes  the  grateful  blush  with  which 
she  accepts  the  one  or  the  other  ?  Why  she  sees  your 
heart  handed  over  to  her  upon  the  needles,  and  the 
bread  and  butter  is  to  her  a  sandwich  with  love  inside 
it.  If  you  say  to  your  grandmother,  "  Ma'am,  it's  a 
fine  day,"  or  what  not,  she  would  see  no  other  mean 
ing  than  their  outward  and  visible  view,  but  say  so  to 


DOROTHEA.  141 


the  girl  you  love,  and  she  understands  a  thousand 
mystic  meanings  in  them.  Thus  in  a  word,  though 
Dorothea  and  I  did  not,  probably,  on  the  first  night  of 
our  meeting,  talk  of  any  thing  more  than  the  weather, 
or  trumps,  or  some  subjects  which,  to  such  listeners  as 
Schnabel  and  Klingenspohr  and  others,  might  appear 
quite  ordinary,  yet  to  us  they  had  a  different  significa 
tion,  of  which  Love  alone  held  the  key. 

Without  further  ado  then,  after  the  occurrences  of 
that  evening,  I  determined  on  staying  at  Kalbsbraten, 
and  presenting  my  card  the  next  day  to  the  Hof-Mar- 
shall  requesting  to  have  the  honour  of  being  presented 
to  his  highness  the  prince,  at  one  of  whose  court-balls 
my  Dorothea  appeared  as  I  have  described  her. 

It  was  summer  when  I  first  arrived  at  Kalbsbraten. 
The  little  court  was  removed  to  Siegmundslust,  his 
highness's  country-seat ;  no  balls  were  taking  place, 
and,  in  consequence,  I  held  my  own  with  Dorothea  pretty 
well.  I  treated  her  admirer  Lieutenant  Klingenspohr 
with  perfect  scorn,  had  a  manifest  advantage  over  Major 
Schnabel,  and  used  somehow  to  meet  the  fair  one  every 
day  walking  in  company  with  her  mamma  in  the  palace 
garden,  or  sitting  under  the  acacias,  with  Belotte  in  her 
mother's  lap,  and  the  favourite  romance  beside  her. 
Dear,  dear  Dorothea !  what  a  number  of  novels  she 
must  have  read  in  her  time !  She  confesses  to  me  that 
she  had  been  in  love  with  Uncas,  with  Saint  Preux, 
with  Ivanhoe,  and  with  hosts  of  German  heroes  of 
romance ;  and  when  I  asked  her,  if  she,  whose  heart 
was  so  tender  towards  imaginary  youths,  had  ncvci  uad 
a  preference  for  any  one  of  her  living  adorers,  she  caly 
looked,  and  blushed,  and  sighed,  and  said  nothing. 


142  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


You  see  I  had  got  OR  as  well  as  man  could  do,  until 
the  confounded  court  season  and  the  balls  began,  and 
then — why,  then  came  my  usual  luck. 

Waltzing  is  a  part  of  a  German  girl's  life.  With 
the  best  will  in  the  world,  which,  I  doubt  not,  she  enter 
tains  for  me,  for  I  never  put  the  matter  of  marriage 
directly  to  her — Dorothea  could  not  go  to  balls  and  not 
waltz.  It  was  madness  to  me  to  see  her  whirling  round 
the  room  with  officers,  attaches,  prim  little  chamber 
lains  with  gold  keys  and  embroidered  coats,  her  hair 
floating  in  the  wind,  her  hand  reposing  upon  the 
'  abominable  little  dancer's  epaulet,  her  good-humoured 
face  lighted  up  with  still  greater  satisfaction.  I  saw 
that  I  must  learn  to  waltz  too,  and  took  my  measures 
accordingly. 

The  leader  of  the  ballet  at  the  Kalbsbraten  theatre 
in  my  time  was  Springbock,  from  Vienna.  He  had 
been  a  regular  Zephyr  once,  'twas  said,  in  his  younger 
days ;  and  though  now  fifteen  stone  weight,  I  can,  helas  ! 
recommend  him  conscientiously  as  a  master;  and 
determined  to  take  some  lessons  from  him  in  the  art 
which  I  had  neglected  so  foolishly  in  early  life. 

It  may  be  said,  without  vanity,  that  I  was  an  apt 
pupil,  and  in  the  course  of  half-a-dozen  lessons  I  had 
arrived  at  very  considerable  agility  in  the  waltzing  line 
and  could  twirl  round  the  room  with  him  at  such  a 
pace  as  made  the  old  gentleman  pant  again,  and  hardly 
left  him  breath  enough  to  puff  out  a  compliment  to  his 
pupil.  I  may  say,  that  in  a  single  week  I  became  an 
expert  waltzer ;  but  as  I  wished  when  I  came  out  pub 
licly  in  that  character,  to  be  quite  sure  of  myself,  and  as 
I  had  hitherto  practised  not  with  a  lady,  but  with  a  very 


DOROTHEA.  143 


fat  old  man,  it  was  agreed  that  he  should  bring  a  lady 
of  his  acquaintance  to  perfect  me,  and  accordingly,  at 
my  eighth  lesson,  Madam  Springbock  herself  came  to 
the  dancing-room,  and  the  old  Zephyr  performed  on  the 
violin. 

If  any  man  ventures  the  least  sneer  with  regard  to 
this  lady,  or  dares  to  insinuate  any  thing  disrespectful 
to  her  or  myself,  I  say  at  once,  that  he  is  an  impudent 
calumniator.  Madam  Springbock  is  old  enough  to  bo 
my  grandmother,  and  as  ugly  a  woman  as  I  ever  saw ; 
but  though  old,  she  was  pasnionnee  pour  la  danse,  and 
not  having  (on  account,  doubtless,  of  her  age  and  un 
prepossessing  appearance)  many  opportunities  of  in 
dulging  in  her  favourite  pastime,  made  up  for  lost 
time  by  immense  activity  whenever  she  could  get  a 
partner.  In  vain,  at  the  end  of  the  hour,  would 
Springbock  exclaim,  "  Amalia,  my  soul's  blessing,  the 
time  is  up  !"  "  Play  on,  dear  Alphonso  !"  would  the 
old  lady  exclaim,  whisking  me  round  :  and  though  I 
had  not  the  least  pleasure  in  such  a  homely  partner, 
yet  for  the  sake  of  perfecting  myself,  I  waltzed  and 
waltzed  with  her,  until  we  were  both  half  dead  with 
fatigue. 

At  the  end  of  three  weeks  I  could  waltz  as  well  as 
any  man  in  Germany. 

At  the  end  of  four  weeks  there  was  a  grand  ball  at 
court  in  honour  of  H.  H.  the  Prince  of  Dummerland 
and  his  princess,  and  then  I  determined  I  would  come 
out  in  public.  I  dressed  myself  with  unusual  care  and 
splendour.  My  hair  was  curled  and  my  moustache 
dyed  to  a  nicety  ;  and  of  the  four  hundred  gentlemen 
present,  if  the  girls  of  Kalbsbraten  did  select  one  who 


144  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 


wore  an  English  hussar  uniform,  why  should  I  dis 
guise  the  fact  ?  In  spite  of  my  silence,  the  news  had 
somehow  got  abroad,  as  news  will  in  such  small  towns, 
— Herr  von  Fitz-Boodle  was  coming  out  in  a  waltz  that 
evening.  His  highness  the  duke  even  made  an  allusion 
to  the  circumstance.  When  on  this  eventful  night,  1 
went  as  usual,  and  made  him  my  bow  in  the  presentation, 
"  Vous,  Monsieur"  said  he,  "  vous  qui  etcs  si  jeune,  devez 
aimer  la  danse"  I  blushed  as  red  as  my  trousers,  and 
bowing,  went  away. 

I  stepped  up  to  Dorothea.  Heavens!  how  beautiful 
she  looked !  and  how  archly  she  smiled,  as,  with  a 
thumping  heart,  I  asked  her  hand  for  a  waltz  !  She 
took  out  her  little  mother-of-pearl  dancing-book — she 
wrote  down  my  name  with  her  pencil — we  were  en 
gaged  for  the  fourth  waltz,  and  till  then  I  left  her  to 
other  partners. 

Who  says  that  his  first  waltz  is  not  a  nervous 
moment  ?  I  vow  I  was  more  excited  than  by  any  duel 
I  ever  fought.  I  would  not  dance  any  contre-dance  or 
galop.  I  repeatedly  went  to  the  buffet  and  got  glasses 
of  punch  (dear  simple  Germany !  'tis  with  rum-punch 
and  egg-flip  thy  children  strengthen  themselves  for  the 
dance !) — I  went  into  the  ball-room  and  looked — the 
couples  bounded  before  me,  the  music  clashed  and  rung 
in  my  ears — all  was  fiery,  feverish,  indistinct.  The 
gleaming  white  columns,  the  polished  oaken  floors 
in  which  the  innumerable  tapers  were  reflected — all 
together  swam  before  my  eyes,  and  I  was  in  a  pitch  of 
madness  almost  when  the  fourth  waltz  at  length  came= 
"  Will  you  dance  with  your  sword  on?"  said  the 
sweetest  voice  in  the  world.  I  blushed,  stammered,  and 


DOROTHEA.  145 


trembled,  as  I  laid  down  that  weapon  and  my  cap,  and 
hark  !  the  music  began  ! 

Oh,  how  my  hand  trembled  as  I  placed  it  round  the 
waist  of  Dorothea !  With  my  left  hand  I  took  her 
right — did  she  squeeze  it  ?  I  think  she  did — to  this  day 
I  think  she  did.  Away  we  went ;  we  tripped  over  the 
polished  oak  floor  like  two  young  fairies.  "  Courage, 
monsieur"  said  she,  with  her  sweet  smile ;  then  it  was 
"  Tres  bien,  monsieur ;"  then  I  heard  the  voices  hum 
ming  and  buzzing  about.  "  //  danse  bien,  V Anglais  :" 
"  Mafoi,  OM?',"  says  another.  On  we  went,  twirling,  and 
twisting,  and  turning  and  whirling  ;  couple  after  couple 
dropped  panting  off.  Little  Klingenspohr  himself  was 
obliged  to  give  in.  All  eyes  were  upon  us — we  were 
going  round  alone.  Dorothea  was  almost  exhausted, 
when 

******** 

I  have  been  sitting  for  two  hours  since  I  marked  the 
asterisks,  thinking — thinking.  I  have  committed  crimes 
in  my  life — who  hasn't?  But  talk  of  remorse,  what 
remorse  is  there  like  that  which  rushes  up  in  a  flood  to 
my  brain  sometimes  when  I  am  alone,  and  causes  me 
to  blush  when  I'm  a-bed  in  the  dark  ? 

I  fell,  sir,  on  that  infernal  slippery  floor.  Down  we 
came  like  shot ;  we  rolled  over  and  over  in  the  midst 
of  the  ball-room,  the  music  going  ten  miles  an  hour, 
800  pair  of  eyes  fixed  upon  us,  a  cursed  shriek  of 
laughter  bursting  out  from  all  sides.  Heavens !  how 
clear  I  heard  it,  as  we  went  on  rolling  and  rolling! 
"  My  child !  my  Dorothea !"  shrieked  out  Madame 
Speck,  rushing  forward,  and  as  soon  as  she  had  breath 
to  d  o  so,  Dorothea  of  course  screamed  too,  then  she 
7 


146  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

fainted,  then  she  was  disentangled  from  out  of  my 
spurs,  and  borne  oif  by  a  bevy  of  tittering  women. 
"  Clumsy  brute  !"  said  Madam  Speck,  turning  her  fat 
back  upon  me,  I  remained  upon  my  seant,  wild, 
ghastly,  looking  about.  It  was  all  up  with  me — 1\ 
knew  it  was.  I  wished  I  could  have  died  there,  and  I 
wish  so  still. 

Klingenspohr  married  her,  that  is  the  long  and  short ; 
but  before  that  event  I  placed  a  sabre-cut  across  the 
young  scoundrel's  nose,  which  destroyed  his  beauty  for 
ever. 

O  Dorothea !  you  can't  forgive  me — you  oughtn't  to 
forgive  me ;  but  I  love  you  madly  still. 

My  next  flame  was  Ottilia ;  but  let  us  keep  her  for 
another  number,  my  feelings  overpower  me  at  present. 

G.  F.  B. 


OTTILIA.  '147 


OTTILIA. 

CHAPTER     I. 
THE    ALBUM THE    MEDITERRANEAN    HEATH. 

TRAVELLING  some  little  time  back  in  a  wild  part  of 
Connamara,  where  I  had  been  for  fishing  and  seal- 
shooting,  I  had  the  good  luck  to  get  admission  to  the 
chateau  of  an  hospitable  Irish  gentleman,  and  to  pro 
cure  some  news  of  my  once  dear  Ottilia. 

Yes,  of  no  other  than  Ottilia  v.  Schlippenschlopp, 
the  Muse  of  Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel,  the  friendly 
little  town  far  away  in  Sachsenland, — where  old  Speck 
built  the  town-pump,  where  Klingenspohr  was  slashed 
across  the  nose, — where  Dorothea  rolled  over  and  over 

in  that  horrible   waltz  with   Fitz-Boo .     Psha  ! — 

away  with  the  recollection  :  but  wasn't  it  strange  to  get 
news  of  Ottilia  in  the  wildest  corner  of  Ireland,  where 
I  never  should  have  thought  to  hear  her  gentle  name  ? 
Walking  on  that  very  Urrisbeg  mountain  under  whoso 
shadow  I  heard  Ottilia's  name,  Mackay,  the  learned 
author  of  the  Flora  Patlandica,  discovered  the  Medi 
terranean  heath, — such  a  flower  as  I  have  often  plucked 
on  the  sides  of  Vesuvius,  and  as  Proserpine,  no  doubt, 
amused  herself  in  gathering  as  she  strayed  in  the  fields 
of  Enna.  Here  it  is — the  self-same  flower,  peering  out 


148  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

at  the  Atlantic  from  Roundstone  Bay  ;  here,  too,  in  this 
wild  lonely  place,  nestles  the  fragrant  memory  of  my 
Ottilia ! 

In  a  word,  after  a  day  on  Bally  lynch  Lake  (where, 
with  a  brown  fly  and  a  single  hair,  I  killed  fourteen 
salmon,  the  smallest  twenty-nine  pounds  weight,  the 
largest  somewhere  about  five  stone  ten),  my  young 
friend  Blake  Bodkin  Lynch  Browne  (a  fine  lad  who  has 
made  his  Continental  tour)  and  I,  adjourned  after  din 
ner  to  the  young  gentleman's  private  room,  for  the  pur 
pose  of  smoking  a  certain  cigar,  which  is  never  more 
pleasant  than  after  a  hard  clay's  sport,  or  a  day  spent 
indoors,  or  after  a  good  dinner,  or  a  bad  one,  or  at  night 
when  you  are  tired,  or  in  the  morning  when  you  are 
fresh,  or  of  a  cold  winter's  day,  or  of  a  scorching  sum 
mer's  afternoon,  or  at  any  other  moment  you  choose  to 
fix  upon. 

What  should  I  see  in  Blake's  room  but  a  rack  of 
pipes,  such  as  are  to  be  found  in  almost  all  the  bache 
lors'  rooms  in  Germany,  and  amongst  them  was  a 
porcelain  pipe-head  bearing  the  image  of  the  Kalbsbru- 
ten  pump  !  There  it  was,  the  old  spout,  the  old  familiar 
allegory  of  Mars,  Bacchus,  Apollo  virorum,  and  the 
rest,  that  I  had  so  often  looked  at  from  Iloi'-Architekt 
Speck's  window,  as  I  sat  there  by  the  side  of  Dorothea. 
The  old  gentleman  had  given  me  one  of  these  very 
pipes,  for  he  had  hundreds  of  them  painted,  wherewith 
he  used  to  gratify  almost  every  stranger  who  came  into 
his  native  town. 

Any  old  place  with  which  I  have  once  been  familiar 
(as,  perhaps,  I  have  before  stated  in  these  Confessions 
— but  never  mind  that)  is  in  some  sort  dear  to  me : 


OTTILIA.  149 


and  were  I  Lord  Shootingcastle  or  Colonel  Popland,  I 
think  after  a  residence  of  six  months  there  I  should  love 
the  Fleet  Prison.  As  I  saw  the  old  familiar  pipe,  I  took 
it  down,  and  crammed  it  with  Cavendish  tobacco,  and 
lay  down  on  a  sofa,  and  puffed  away  for  an  hour  well- 
nigh,  thinking  of  old,  old  times. 

"  You're  very  entertaining  to-night,  Fitz,"  says  young 
Blake,  who  had  made  several  tumblers  of  punch  for  me, 
which  I  had  gulped  down  without  saying  a  word. 
"  Don't  ye  think  ye'd  be  more  easy  in  bed  than  snorting 
and  sighing  there  on  my  sofa,  and  groaning  fit  to  make 
me  go  hang  myself?" 

"  I  am  thinking,  Blake,"  says  I,  "  about  Pumpernickel, 
where  old  Speck  gave  you  this  pipe." 

"'Deed  he  did,"  replies  the  young  man  ;  " and  did  ye 
know  the  old  Bar'n  ?" 

"  I  did,"  said  I.  "  My  friend,  I  have  been  by  the 
banks  of  the  Bendemeer.  Tell  me,  are  the  nightingales 
still  singing  there,  and  do  the  roses  still  bloom  ?" 

"  The  hwhat  ?"  cries  Blake ;  "  what  the  divvle,  Fitz, 
are  you  growling  about  ?  Bendemeer's  Lake's  in  West 
moreland,  as  I  preshume  ;  and  as  for  roses  and  nightin 
gales,  I  give  ye  my  word  it's  Greek  ye're  talking  to 
me."  And  Greek  it  very  possibly  was,  for  my  young 
friend,  though  as  good  across  country  as  any  man  in 
his  county,  has  not  that  fine  feeling  and  tender  percep 
tion  of  beauty  which  may  be  found  elsewhere,  dear 
madam. 

"  Tell  me  about  Speck,  Blake,  and  Kalbsbraten,  and 
Dorothea,  and  Klingenspohr  her  husband." 

"  He  with  the  cut  across  the  nose,  is  it  2"  cried 
Blake  ;  "  I  know  him  well  and  his  old  wife." 


150 

"His  old  what,  sir?"  cried  Fitz-Boodle,  jumping  up 
from  his  seat ;  "  Klingenspohr's  wife  old  ? — Is  he  mar 
ried  again  ? — Is  Dorothea  then  d-d-dead  ?" 

"  Dead  ! — no  more  dead  than  you  are,  only  I  take 
her  to  be  five-and-thirty  ;  and  when  a  woman  has  had 
nine  children,  you  know,  she  looks  none  the  younger ; 
and  I  can  tell  ye,  that  when  she  trod  on  my  corruns  at 
a  ball  at  the  Grand  Juke's,  I  felt  something  heavier 
than  a  feather  on  my  foot." 

"  Madame  de  Klingenspohr,  then,"  replied  I,  hesitat 
ing  somewhat,  "  has  grown  rather — rather  st-st-out  ?'• 
.1  could  hardly  get  out  the  out,  and  trembled  I  don't 
know  why  as  I  asked  the  question. 

"  Stout,  begad  ! — she  weighs  fourteen  stone,  saddle 
and  bridle.  That's  right,  down  goes  my  pipe — flop ! 
crash  falls  the  tumbler  into  the  fender !  Break  away, 
my  boy,  and  remember,  whoever  breaks  a  glass  here 
pays  a  dozen." 

The  fact  was,  that  the  announcement  of  Dorothea's 
changed  condition  caused  no  small  disturbance  within 
me,  and  I  expressed  it  in  the  abrupt  manner  mentioned 
by  young  Blake. 

Roused  thus  from  my  reverie,  I  questioned  the  young 
fellow  about  his  residence  at  Kalbsbraten,  which  has 
been  always  since  the  war  a  favourite  place  for  our 
young  gentry,  and  heard  with  some  satisfaction  that 
Potzdorff  was  married  to  the  Behrenstein,  Haarbarthad 
left  the  dragoons,  the  Crown  Prince  had  broken  with 

the  ;  but  mum  !  of  what  interest  are  all  these 

details  to  the  reader,  who  has  never  been  at  friendly 
little  Kalbsbraten  ? 

Presently  Lynch  reaches  ins  down  one  of -the  three 


OTTILIA.  151 


books  that  formed  his  library  (the  Racing  Calendar  and 
a  book  of  fishing-flies  making  up  the  remainder  of  the 
set).  "  And  there's  my  album,"  says  he  ;  "  you'll  find 
plenty  of  hands  in  it  that  you'll  recognise,  as  you  are  an 
old  Pumpernickelaner."  And  so  I  did,  in  truth  :  it  was 
a  little  book  after  the  fashion  of  German  albums,  in 
which  good  simple  little  ledger  every  friend  or  acquaint 
ance  of  the  owner  inscribes  a  poem  or  stanza  from  some 
favourite  poet  or  philosopher  with  the  transcriber's  own 
name,  as  thus  : — 

To  the  true  house-friend,  and  beloved  Irelandish  youth  : 
"  Sera  nunquam  est  ad  bonos  mores  ira  :" 

"WACKEBBART, 

Professor    at    the    Grand-Ducal    Kalbsbratenpumpernicklish 
Gymnasium. 

Another  writes : — 

"  Wander  on  roses  and  forget-me-not." 

Am  alia  v.  Nachtmutze. 
Geb :  v.  Schlafrock. 

With  a  flourish,  and  the  picture  mayhap  of  a  rose. 
Let  the  reader  imagine  some  hundreds  of  these  interest 
ing  inscriptions,  and  he  will  have  an  idea  of  the  book. 

Turning  over  the  leaves  I  came  presently  on  Doro 
thea's  hand.  There  it  was,  the  little,  neat,  pretty  hand 
writing,  the  dear  old  up-and-down  strokes  that  I  had 
not  leoked  at  for  many  a  long  year, — the  Mediterranean 
heath,  which  grew  on  the  sunniest  banks  of  Fitz-Boodle's 
existence,  and  here  found,  dear,  dear,  little  sprig  !  in  rude 
Galwagian  bog-lands. 
•  "-Look. at  .the  other  side  of  the  page,"  says  Lynch 


152  FITZ-UOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

rather  sarcastically  (for  I  don't  care  to  confess  that  i 
kissed  the  name  of  "  Dorothea  v.  Klingenspohr,  born  v. 
Speck,"  written  under  an  extremely  feeble  passage  of 
verse).  "  Look  at  the  other  side  of  the  paper !" 

I  did,  and  what  do  you  think  I  saw  ? 

I  saw  the  writing  of  five  of  the  little  Klingenspohrs, 

who  have  all  sprung  up  since  my  time. 

•K  *  *  *'  * 

"  Ha  !  ha !  haw !"  screamed  the  impertinent  young 
Irishman,  and  the  story  was  all  over  Connamara  and 
Joyce's  country  in  a  day  after. 


CHAPTER      II. 
OTTILIA    IN    PARTICULAR. 

Some  kind  critic  who  peruses  these  writings  will, 
doubtless,  have  the  goodness  to  point  out  that  the 
simile  of  the  Mediterranean  heath  is  applied  to  two 
personages  in  this  chapter — to  Ottilia  and  Dorothea, 
and  say,  Psha !  the  fellow  is  but  a  poor  unimaginative 
creature  not  to  be  able  to  find  a  simile  a-piece  at  least 
for  the  girls ;  how  much  better  would  we  have  done  the 
business  ! 

Well,  it  is  a  very  pretty  simile  ; — the  girls  were 
rivals,  were  beautiful,  I  loved  them  both, — which  should 
have  the  sprig  of  heath  ?  Mr.  Cruikshank  (who  has 
taken  to  serious  painting)  is  getting  ready  for  the 
Exhibition  a  fine  piece,  representing  Fitz-Boodle  on  the 
Urrisbeg  Mountain,  County  Galway,  Ireland,  with  a 


OTTILIA.  153 

sprig  of  lieath  in  his  hand,  hesitating,  like  Paris,  on 
which  of  the  beauties  he  should  bestow  it.  In  the 
background  is  a  certain  animal  between  two  bundles  of 
hay,  but  that  I  take  to  represent  the  critics  puzzled  to 
which  of  my  young  beauties  to  assign  the  choice. 

If  Dorothea  had  been  as  rich  as  Miss  Coutts,  and  had 
come  to  me  the  next  day  after  the  accident  at  the  ball, 
and  said,  "  George,  will  you  marry  me  ?"  it  must  not  be 
supposed  I  would  have  done  any  such  thing.  That 
dream  had  vanished  for  ever  :  rage  and  pride  took  the 
place  of  love ;  and  the  only  chance  I  had  of  recovering 
from  my  dreadful  discomfiture  was  by  bearing  it  bravely, 
and  trying,  if  possible,  to  awaken  a  little  compassion  in 
my  favour.  I  limped  home  (arranging  my  scheme  with 
great  presence  of  mind  as  I  actually  sat  spinning  there 
on  the  ground),  I  limped  home,  sent  for  Pflastersticken, 
the  court-surgeon,  and  addressed  him  to  the  following 
effect :  "  Pflastersticken,"  says  I,  "  there  has  been  an 
accident  at  court  of  which  you  will  hear.  You  will 
send  in  leeches,  pills,  and  the  deuce  knows  what,  and 
you  will  say  that  I  have  dislocated  my  leg :  for  some 
days  you  will  state  that  I  am  in  considerable  danger ; 
and  you  are  a  good  fellow  and  a  man  of  courage  I 
know,  for  which  very  reason  you  can  appreciate  those 
qualities  in  another  ;  so  mind,  if  you  breathe  a  word  of 
my  secret,  either  you  or  I  must  lose  a  life." 

Away  went  the  surgeon,  and  the  next  day  all  Kalbs- 
braten  knew  that  I  was  on  the  point  of  death  :  I  had 
been  delirious  all  night,  had  had  eighty  leeches,  besides 
I  don't  know  how  much  medicine ;  but  the  Kalbsbra- 
teners  knew  to  a  scruple.  Whenever  any  body  was  ill, 
this  little  kind  society  knew  what  medicines  were  pre- 
7* 


154 

scribed,  every  body  in  the  town  knew  what  every  body 
had  for  her  dinner.  If  Madam  Rumpel  had  her  satin 
dyed  ever  so  quietly,  the  whole  society  was  on  the  qui 
mve  ;  if  Countess  Pultusld  sent  to  Berlin  for  a  new  set 
of  teeth,  not  a  person  in  Kalbsbraten  but  was  ready  to 
compliment  her  as  she  put  them  on ;  if  Potzdorff  paid 
his  tailor's  bill,  or  Muffinstein  bought  a  piece  of  black 
wax  for  his  mustachios,  it  was  the  talk  of  the  little  city  ; 
and  so,  of  course,  was  my  accident.  In  their  sorrow  for 
my  misfortune,  Dorothea's  was  quite  forgotten,  and 
those  eighty  leeches  saved  me.  I  became  interesting  ; 
I  had  cards  left  at  my  door  ;  and  I  kept  my  room  for  a 
fortnight,  during  which  time  I  read  every  one  of  M. 
Kotzebue's  plays. 

At  the  end  of  that  period  I  was  convalescent,  though 
still  a  little  lame.  I  called  at  old  Speck's  house  and 
apologized  for  my  clumsiness,  with  the  most  admirable 
coolness ;  I  appeared  at  court,  and  stated  calmly  that 
I  did  not  intend  to  dance  any  more  ;  and  when  Klin- 
genspohr  grinned,  I  told  that  young  gentleman  such  a 
piece  of  my  mind  as  led  to  his  wearing  a  large  sticking- 
plaster  patch  on  his  nose,  which  was  split  as  neatly 
down  the  middle  as  you  would  split  an  orange  at 
dessert.  In  a  word,  what  man  could  do  to  repair  my 
defeat,  I  did. 

There  is  but  one  thing  now  of  which  I  am  ashamed 
— of  those  killing  epigrams  which  I  wrote  (Mon  Dieu  ! 
must  I  own  it  ? — but  even  the  fury  of  my  anger 
proves  the  extent  of  my  love  !)  against  the  Speck  family. 
They  were  handed  about  in  confidence  at  court,  and 
made  a  frightful  sensation. 


OTTILIA.  155 


Is  it  possible? 

There  happened  at  Schloss  P-mp-rn-ckel 
A  strange  mishap  our  sides  to  tickle, 

And  set  the  people  in  a  roar; — 
A  strange  caprice  of  Fortune  fickle : 
I  never  thought  at  Pumpernickel 

To  see  a  SPECK  upon  the  floor  ! 

La  Perfide  Albion  ;  or,  a  Caution  to  Waltzers. 

"  Come  to  the  dance,"  the  Briton  said, 
And  forward  D-r-th-a  led, 

Fair,  fresh,  and  three-and-twenty ! 
Ah,  girls,  beware  of  Britons  red  ! 
What  wonder  that  it  turned  her  head  I 

SAT  VERBUM  SAPIENT!. 

Reasons  for  not  Marrying. 

41  The  lovely  Miss  S. 

Will  surely  say  '  yes,' 

You've  only  to  ask  and  try ;" 

"That  subject  we'll  quit," 

Says  Georgy  the  wit, 

"  I've  a  much  better  SPEC  in  my  eye  /" 

This  last  epigram  especially  was  voted  so  killing  that 
it  flew  like  wildfire;  and  I  know  for  a  fact  that  our 
Charge  d'affaires  at  Kalbsbraten  sent  a  courier  express 
with  it  to  the  Foreign  Office  in  England,  whence  through 
our  amiable  Foreign  Secretary,  Lord  P-lm-rst-n,  it  made 
its  way  .into  every  fashionable  circle,  nay,  I  have  reason 
to  believe  caused  a  smile  on  the  cheek  of  R-y-lty  itself. 
Now  that  Time  has  taken  away  the  sting  of  these  epi 
grams,  there  can  be  no  harm  in  giving  them ;  and 'twas 
wejl  enough  .then  to.  endeavour  to.  hide,  under -the  lash. 


156  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

of  wit  the  bitter  pangs  of  humiliation  ;  but  my  heart 
bleeds  now  to  think  that  I  should  have  ever  brought  a 
tear  on  the  gentle  cheek  of  Dorothea. 

Not  content  with  this,  with  humiliating  her  by  satire, 
and  with  wounding  her  accepted  lover  across  the  nose, 
I  determined  to  carry  my  revenge  still  farther,  and  to 
fall  in  love  with  any  body  else.  This  person  was  Ottilia 
v.  Schlippenschlopp. 

Otho  Sigismund  Freyherr  Von  Schlippenschlopp, 
Knight  Grand  Cross  of  the  Ducal  Order  of  the  Two- 
Necked  Swan  of  Pumpernickel,  of  the  Porc-et-Sifflet  of 
Kalbsbraten,  Commander  of  the  George  and  Blue  Boar 
of  Dummerland,  Excellency,  and  High  Chancellor  of  the 
United  Duchies,  lived  in  the  second  floor  of  a  house  in 
the  Schwapsgasse,  where,  with  his  private  income  and 
his  revenues  as  chancellor,  amounting  together  to  some 
300/.  per  annum,  he  maintained  such  a  state  as  very 
few  other  officers  of  the  Grand-Ducal  Crown  could  exhi 
bit.  The  Baron  is  married  to  Maria  Antoinetta,  a  count 
ess  of  the  house  of  Kartoffelstadt,  branches  of  which 
have  taken  root  all  over  Germany.  He  has  no  sons, 
and  but  one  daughter,  the  Fraiilein  OTTILIA. 

The  chancellor  is  a  worthy  old  gentleman,  too  fat  and 
wheezy  to  preside  at  the  privy  council,  fond  of  his  pipe, 
his  ease,  and  his  rubber.  His  lady  is  a  very  tall  and 
pale  Roman-nosed  countess,  who  looks  as  gentle  as  Mrs. 
Robert  Roy,  where,  in  the  novel,  she  is  for  putting 
Baillie  Nicoi  Jarvie  into  the  lake,  and  who  keeps  the 
honest  chancellor  in  the  greatest  order.  The  Fraiilein 
Ottilia  had  not  arrived  at  Kalbsbraten  wher»  the  little 
affair  between  me  and  Dorothea  v/3,3  going  on,  or  rather 
had  only  just  coise  iii  for  the  co/iclusiou  of  it,  being  pre- 


OTTILIA.  157 


sented  for  the  first  time  that  year  at  the  ball  where  I — 
where  I  met  with  my  accident. 

At  the  time  when  the  countess  was  young,  it  was  not 
the  fashion  in  her  country  to  educate  the  young  ladies 
so  highly  as  since  they  have  been  educated ;  and  pro 
vided  they  could  waltz,  sew,  and  make  puddings,  they 
were  thought  to  be  decently  bred ;  being  seldom  called 
upon  for  algebra  or  Sanscrit  in  the  discharge  of  the 
honest  duties  of  their  lives.  But  Fraiilein  Ottilia  was 
of  the  modern  school  in  this  respect,  and  came  back 
from  her  pension  at  Strasburg  speaking  all  the  langua 
ges,  dabbling  in  all  the  sciences,  a  historian,  a  poet, — a 
blue  of  the  ultramarinest  sort,  in  a  word.  What  a  dif 
ference  there  was,  for  instance,  between  poor,  simple 
Dorothea's  love  of  novel-reading,  and  the  profound 
encyclopaedic  learning  of  Ottilia  ! 

Before  the  latter  arrived  from  Strasburg  (where  she 
had  been  under  the  care  of  her  aunt  the  Canoness  Coun 
tess  Ottilia  of  Kartoffelstadt,  to  whom  I  here  beg  to 
offer  my  humblest  respects),  Dorothea  had  passed  for  a 
bel  esprit  in  the  little  court  circle,  and  her  little  simple 
stock  of  accomplishments  had  amused  us  all  very  well. 
She  used  to  sing  "  Herz  mein  Herz"  and  "  T'en  souvi- 
ens  tu,"  in  a  decent  manner  (once,  before  Heaven,  I 
thought  her  singing  better  than  Grisi's),  and  then  she 
had  a  little  album  in  which  she  drew  flowers,  and  used 
to  embroider  slippers  wonderfully,  and  was  very  merry 
at  a  game  of  loto  or  forfeits,  and  had  a  hundred  small 
agremens  de  societe  which  rendered  her  an  acceptable 
member  of  it. 

But  when  Ottilia  arrived,  poor  Dolly's  reputation  was 
crushed  in  a  month.  The  former  wrote  poems  both  is 


158  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

French  and  German ;  she  painted  landscapes  and  por 
traits  in  real  oil ;  and  she  twanged  off  a  rattling  piece 
of  Listz  or  Kalkbrenner  in  such  a  brilliant  way,  that 
Dora  scarcely  dared  to  touch  the  instrument  after  her, 
or  venture,  after  Ottilia  had  trilled  and  gurgled  through 
"UnaVoce,"  or  "Di  Piacer"  (Rossini  was  in  fashion 
then),  to  lift  up  her  little  modest  pipe  in  a  ballad. 
What  was  the  use  of  the  poor  thing  going  to  sit  in  the 
park,  where  so  many  of  the  young  officers  used  ever  to 
gather  round  her  ?  Whirr  !  Ottilia  went  by  galloping 
on  a  chestnut  mare  with  a  groom  after  her,  and  pre- 
.sently  all  the  young  fellows  who  could  buy  or  hire 
horseflesh  were  prancing  in  her  train. 

When  they  met,  Ottilia  would  bounce  towards  her 
soul's  darling,  and  put  her  hands  round  her  waist,  and 
call  her  by  a  thousand  affectionate  names,  and  then  talk 
of  her  as  only  ladies  or  authors  can  talk  of  one  another, 
—talk  of  her,  in  a  word,  as  Mr.  Samuel  Warren  does 
of  his  "  dear  Boz,"  in  the  December  number  of  Black- 
wood's  Magazine.  How  tenderly  she  would  hint  at 
Dora's  little  imperfections  of  education ! — how  cleverly 
she  would  insinuate  that  the  poor  girl  had  no  wit !  and, 
thank  God,  no  more  she  had.  The  fact  is,  that  do  what 
I  will  I  see  I'm  in  love  with  her  still,  and  would  be  if 
she  had  fifty  children  ;  but  my  passion  blinded  me  then, 
and  every  arrow  that  fiery  Ottilia  discharged  I  marked 
with  savage  joy.  Dolly,  thank  Heaven,  didn't  mind  the 
wit  much,  she  was  too  simple  for  that.  But  still  the 
recurrence  of  it  would  leave  in  her  heart  a  vague>  inde 
finite  feeling  of  pain,  and  somehow  she  began  to  under 
stand  that  her  empire"  was  passing  away;  and  that  her 
.her  .like  poison;  and  ao  she  married 


OTTILIA.  159 


Klingenspohr.  I  have  written  myself  almost  into  a 
reconciliation  with  the  silly  fellow,  for  the  truth  is,  he 
has  been  a  good,  honest  husband  to  her,  and  she  has 
children,  and  makes  puddings,  and  is  happy. 

Ottilia  was  pale  and  delicate.  She  wore  her  glisten 
ing  black  hair  in  bands,  and  dressed  in  vapoury  white 
muslin.  She  sang  her  own  words  to  her  harp,  and  they 
commonly  insinuated  that  she  was  alone  in  the  world, — 
that  she  suffered  some  inexpressible  and  mysterious 
heart  pangs,  the  lot  of  all  finer  geniuses, — that  though 
she  lived  and  moved  in  the  world  she  was  not  of  it, — 
that  she  was  of  a  consumptive  tendency  and  might  look 
for  a  premature  interment.  She  even  had  fixed  on  the 
spot  where  she  should  lie :  the  violets  grew  there,  she 
said,  the  river  went  moaning  by  ;  the  grey  willow  whis 
pered  sadly  over  her  head,  and  her  heart  pined  to  be  at 
rest.  "  Mother,"  she  would  say,  turning  to  her  parent, 
"  promise  me,  promise  me  to  lay  me  in  that  spot  when 
the  parting  hour  has  come  I"  At  which  Madame  de 
Schlippenschlopp  would  shriek  and  grasp  her  in  her 
arms,  and  at  which,  I  confess,  I  would  myself  blubber 
like  a  child.  She  had  six  darling  friends  at  school,  and 
every  courier  from  Kalbsbraten  carried  off  whole  reams 
of  her  letter-paper. 

In  Kalbsbraten,  as  in  every  other  German  town,  there 
are  a  vast  number  of  literary  characters,  of  whom  our 
young  friend  quickly  became  the  chief.  They  set  up  a 
literary  journal,  which  appeared  once  a-week,  upon  light 
blue  or  primrose  paper,  and  which,  in  compliment  to  the 
lovely  Ottilia's  maternal  name,  was  called  the  Kartoff- 
elnkranz.  Here  are-  a  couple  of  her  ballads  extracted 
from  the  Kranz,  and  by  far  the' most  cheerful  specimer 


160  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

of  her  style.  For  in  her  songs  she  never  would  will 
ingly  let  off  the  heroines  without  a  suicide  or  a  con 
sumption.  She  never  would  hear  of  such  a  thing  as  a 
happy  marriage,  and  had  an  appetite  for  grief  quite 
amazing  in  so  young  a  person.  As  for  her  dying  and 
desiring  to  be  buried  under  the  willow-tree,  of  which 
the  first  ballad  is  the  subject,  though  I  believed  the 
story  then,  I  have  at  present  some  doubts  about  it. 
For,  since  the  publication  of  my  memoirs,  I  have  been 
thrown  much  into  the  society  of  literary  persons  (who 
admire  my  style  hugely),  and,  egad !  though  some  of 
them  are  dismal  enough  in  their  works,  I  find  them  in 
their  persons  the  least  sentimental  class  that  ever  a  gen 
tleman  fell  in  with. 


The   Willow  Tree. 

Know  ye  the  willow-tree 

Whose  grey  leaves  quiver, 
Whispering  gloomily 

To  yon  pale  river ; 
Lady,  at  even-tide 

Wander  not  near  it, 
They  say  its  branches  hide 

A  sad,  lost  spirit ! 

Once  to  the  willow-tree 

A  maid  came  fearful, 
Pale  seemed  her  cheek  to  be, 

Her  blue  eye  tearful ; 
Soon  as  she  saw  the  tree, 

Her  steps  moved  fleeter, 
No  one  was  there — ah,  me! 

No  oiic  *.o  ineot  her ! 


OTTILIA.  161 


Quick  beat  her  heart  to  hear 

The  far  bells'  chime 
Toll  from  the  chapel-tower 

The  trysting  time : 
But  the  red  sun  went  down 

In  golden  flame, 
And  though  she  looked  round, 

Yet  no  one  came ! 

Presently  came  the  night, 

Sadly  to  greet  her, — 
Moon  in  her  silver  light, 

Stars  in  their  glitter ; 
Then  sank  the  moon  away 

Under  the  billow, 
Still  wept  the  maid  alone — 

There  by  the  willow ! 

Through  the  long  darkness, 

By  the  stream  rolling, 
Hour  after  hour  went  on 

Tolling  and  tolling. 
Long  was  the  darkness, 

Lonely  and  stilly ; 
Shrill  came  the  night-wind, 

Piercing  and  chilly. 

Shrill  blew  the  morning  breeze 

Biting  and  cold, 
Bleak  peers  the  grey  dawn 

Over  the  world. 
Bleak  over  moor  and  stream 

Looks  the  grey  dawn, 
Grey,  with  dishevelled  hair, 
Still  stands  the  willow  there — 

THE  MAID  is  GONE  ! 


162  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

Domine,  Dom'me  ! 

Sing  we  a  litany, — 
Sing  for  poor  maiden-hearts  broken  and  weary ; 

Domine,  JJomine  ! 
Sing  we  a  litany, 

Wail  we  and  ween  we  a  wild  Miserere .' 


One  of  the  chief  beauties  of  this  ballad  (for  the  trans 
lation  of  which  I  received  some  well-merited  compli 
ments)  is  the  delicate  way  in  which  the  suicide  of  the 
poor  young  woman  under  the  willow-tree  is  hinted  at ; 
for  that  she  threw  herself  into  the  water  and  became 
one  among  the  lilies  of  the  stream,  is  as  clear  as  a  pike 
staff.  Her  suicide  is  committed  some  time  in  the  dark 
ness,  when  the  slow  hours  move  on  tolling  and  tolling, 
and  is  hinted  at  darkly  as  befits  the  time  and  the  deed. 

But  that  romantic  brute  Van  Cutsem,  the  Dutch 
Charge  d'affaires,  sent  in  the  Kartoffelnkranz  of  the 
week  after  a  conclusion  of  the  ballad,  which  shews 
what  a  poor  creature  he  must  be.  His  pretext  for 
writing  it  was,  he  said,  because  he  could  not  bear  such 
melancholy  endings  to  poems  and  young  women,  and 
therefore  he  submitted  the  following  lines : — 


Long  by  the  willow-trees 
Vainly  they  sought  her, 

Wild  rang  the  mother's  screams 

O'er  the  grey  water: 
'  Where  is  my  lovely  one  ? 
Where  is  my  daughter? 

ii. 

Rouse  thee,  sir  constable — 
Rouse  thee  and  look ; . . .    .... 


OTTILIA.  163 


Fishermen^  bring  your  net, 
Boatmen,  your  hook. 

Beat  in  the  lily-beds, 
Dive  in  the  brook !" 


Vainly  the  constable 
Shouted  and  called  her ; 

Vainly  the  fisherman 
Beat  the  green  alder, 

Vainly  he  ftung  the  net, 
Never  it  hauled  her ! 


Mother,  besidefthe  fire 
Sat,  her  nightcap  in  ; 

Father,  in  easy  chair, 
Gloomily  napping, 

When  at  the  window-sill 
Came  a  light  tapping ! 


And  a  pale  countenance 

Looked  through  the  casement 
Loud  beat  the  mother's  hearty 

Sick  with  amazement, 
A.nd  at  the  vision,  which 

Came  to  surprise  her, 
Shrieked  in  an  agony — 

"Lor!  it'sElizar!" 


Yes,  'twas  Elizabeth — 
Yes,  'twas  their  girl ; 

Pale  was  her  cheek,  and  her 
.Hair .out.  of  curl. 


164 

"  Mother !"  the  loving  one, 

Blushing,  exclaimed, 
"  Let  not  your  innocent 

Lizzy  be  blamed. 

VII. 

"  Yesterday,  going  to  aunt 

Jones's  to  tea, 
Mother,  dear  mother,  I 

Forgot  the  door-key  ! 
And  as  the  night  was  cold, 

And  the  way  steep, 
Mrs.  Jones  kept  me  to 

Breakfast  and  sleep." 

vin. 
Whether  her  pa  and  ma 

Fully  believed  her 
That  we  shall  never  know, 

Stern  they  received  her ; 
And  for  the  work  of  that 

Cruel,  though  short,  night, 
Sent  her  to  bed  without 

Tea  for  a  fortnight. 

% 

IX. 

MORAL. 

Hey  diddle  diddlety, 

Cat  and  the  Fiddlety  ! 
Maidens  of  England,  take  caution  by  she  ! 

Let  love  and  suicide 

Never  tempt  you  aside, 
And  always  rennember  to  take  the  door-key  ! 

Some  people  laughed  at  this  parody,  and  even  pre 
ferred  it  to  the  original ;  but  for  myself  I  have  no 


OTTILIA.  165 


patience  with  the  individual  who  can  turn  the  finest 
sentiments  of  our  nature  into  ridicule,  and  make  every 
thing  sacred  a  subject  of  scorn.  The  next  ballad  is  less 
gloomy  than  that  of  the  willow-tree,  and  in  it  the  lovely 
writer  expresses  her  longing  for  what  has  charmed  us  all, 
and,  as  it  were,  squeezes  the  whole  spirit  of  the  fairy-tale 
into  a  few  stanzas : — 

FAIRY   DAYS. 

Beside  the  old  hall-fire — upon  my  nurse's  knee, 
Of  happy  fairy  days — what  tales  were  told  to  me ! 
I  thought  the  world  was  once — all  peopled  with  princesses, 
And  my  heart  would  beat  to  hear — their  loves  and  their  dis 
tresses  ; 

And  many  a  quiet  night, — in  slumber  sweet  and  deep, 
The  pretty  fairy  people — would  visit  me  in  sleep. 

I  saw  them  in  my  dreams — come  flying  east  and  west, 
With  wondrous  fairy  gifts — the  new  born  babe  they  bless'd ; 
One  has  brought  a  jewel — and  one  a  crown  of  gold, 
And  one  has  brought  a  curse — but  she  is  wrinkled  and  old. 
The  gentle  queen  turns  pale — to  hear  those  words  of  sin, 
But  the  king  he  only  laughs — and  bids  the  dance  begin. 

The  babe  has  grown  to  be — the  fairest  of  the  land, 

And  rides  the  forest  green — a  hawk  upon  her  hand, 

An  ambling  palfrey  white — a  golden  robe  and  crown ; 

I've  seen  her  in  my  dreams — riding  up  and  down. 

And  heard  the  ogre  laugh — as  she  fell  into  his  snare, 

At  the  little  tender  creature — who  wept  and  tore  her  hair ! 

But  ever  when  it  seemed — her  need  was  at  the  sorest 

A  prince  in  shining  mail — comes  prancing  through  the  forest, 

A  waving  ostrich-plume — a  buckler  burnished  bright ; 

I've  seen  him  in  my  dreams — good  sooth !  a  gallant  knight. 

His  lips  are  coral  red — beneath  a  dark  moustache  ; 

See  how  he  waves  his  hand — and  how  his  blue  eyes  flash  f 


1(56  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

"Come  forth,  thou  Paynim  knight!" — he  shouts  in  accents 

clear. 

The  giant  and  the  maid — both  tremble  his  voice  to  hear. 
Saint  Mary  guard  him  well ! — he  draws  his  falchion  keen, 
The  giant  and  the  knight — are  fighting  on  the  green. 
I  see  them  in  my  dreams — his  blade  gives  stroke  on  stroke, 
The  giant  pants  and  reels — and  tumbles  like  an  oak ! 

With  what  a  blushing  grace — he  falls  upon  his  knee 

And  takes  the  lady's  hand — and  whispers  "  You  are  free !" 

Ah !  happy  childish  tales — of  knight  and  faerie  1 

I  waken  from  my  dreams — but  there's  ne'er  a  knight  for  me  ; 

I  waken  from  my  dreams — and  wish  that  I  could  be 

A  child  by  the  old  hall-fire — upon  my  nurse's  knee ! 

Indeed,  Ottilia  looked  like  a  fairy  herself :  pale,  small, 
slim,  and  airy.  You  could  not  see  her  face,  as  it  were 
for  her  eyes,  which  were  so  wild,  and  so  tender,  and 
shone  so  that  they  would  have  dazzled  an  eagle,  much 
more  a  poor  goose  of  a  Fitz-Boodle.  In  the  theatre, 
when  she  sat  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  house,  those 
big  eyes  used  to  pursue  me  as  I  sat  pretending  to  listen 
to  the  Zauberflote,  or  to  Don  Carlos,  or  Egmont,  and 
at  the  tender  passages,  especially,  they  would  have  such 
a  winning,  weeping,  imploring  look  with  them  as  flesh 
and  blood  could  not  bear. 

Shall  I  tell  how  I  became  a  poet  for  the  dear  girl's 
sake  ?  'Tis  surely  unnecessary  after  the  reader  has 
perused  the  above  versions  of  her  poems.  Shall  I  tell 
what  wild  follies  I  committed  in  prose  as  well  as  in 
verse  ?  how  I  used  to  watch  under  her  window  of  icy 
evenings,  and  with  chilblainy  fingers  sing  serenades  to 
her  on  the  guitar  ?  Shall  I  tell  how,  in  a  sledging 
party,  I  had  the  happiness  to  drive  her,  and  of  the  de- 


OTTILIA.  167 


lightful  privilege  which  is,  on  these  occasions,  accorded 
to  the  driver  ? 

Any  reader  who  has  spent  a  winter  in  Germany  per 
haps  knows  it.  A  large  party  of  a  score  or  more  of 
sledges  is  formed.  Away  they  go  to  some  pleasure- 
house  that  has  been  previously  fixed  upon,  where  a  ball 
and  collation  are  prepared  and  where  each  man,  as  his 
partner  descends,  has  the  delicious  privilege  of  saluting 
her.  0  heavens  and  earth !  I  may  grow  to  be  a  thou 
sand  years  old,  but  I  can  never  forget  the  rapture  of 
that  salute. 

"  The  keen  air  has  given  me  an  appetite,"  said  the 
dear  angel  as  we  entered  the  supper-room ;  and  to  say 
the  truth,  fairy  as  she  was,  she  made  a  remarkably  good 
meal-  consuming  a  couple  of  basins  of  white-soup, 
several  kinds  of  German  sausages,  some  Westphalia 
ham,  some  white  puddings,  an  anchovy  salad  made 
with  cornichons  and  onions,  sweets  innumerable,  and  a 
considej-able  quantity  of  old  Stein  Wein  and  rum-punch 
afterwards.  Then  she  got  up  and  danced  as  brisk  as  a 
fairy,  in  which  operation  I  of  course  did  not  follow  her, 
but  had  the  honour  at  the  close  of  the  evening's  amuse 
ment  once  more  to  have  her  by  my  side  in  the  sledge, 
as  we  swept  in  the  moonlight  over  the  snow. 

Kalbsbraten  is  a  very  hospitable  place  as  far  as  tea- 
parties  are  concerned,  but  I  never  was  in  one  where  din 
ners  were  so  scarce.  At  the  palace  they  occurred  twice 
or  thrice  in  a  month,  but  on  these  occasions  spinsters 
were  not  invited,  and  I  seldom  had  the  opportunity  of 
seeing  my  Ottilia  except  at  evening  parties. 

Nor  are  these,  if  the  truth  must  be  told,  very  much 
to  my  taste.  Dancing  I  have  forsworn,  whist  is  too 


168  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

severe  a  study  for  me,  and  I  do  not  like  to  play  ecarte 
with  old  ladies,  who  are  sure  to  cheat  you  in  the  course 
of  an  evening's  play. 

But  to  have  an  occasional  glance  at  Ottilia  was 
enough ;  and  many  and  many  a  napoleon  did  I  lose  to 
her  mamma,  Madame  de  Schlippenschlopp,  for  the  blest 
privilege  of  looking  at  her  daughter.  Many  is  the  tea- 
party  I  went  to,  shivering  into  cold  clothes  after  dinner 
(which  is  my  abomination)  in  order  to  have  one  little 
look  at  the  lady  of  my  soul. 

At  these  parties  there  were  generally  refreshments  of 
a  nature  more  substantial  than  mere  tea — punch,  both 
milk  and  rum,  hot  wine,  consomme,  and  a  peculiar  and 
exceedingly  disagreeable  sandwich  made  of  a  mixture 
of  cold  white  puddings  and  garlic,  of  which  I  have  for 
gotten  the  name,  and  always  detested  the  savour. 

Gradually  a  conviction  came  upon  me  that  Ottilia  ate 
a  great  deal. 

I  do  not  dislike  to  see  a  woman  eat  comfortably.  I 
even  think  that  an  agreeable  woman  ought  to  be 
friande,  and  should  love  certain  little  dishes  and  nick- 
nacks.  I  know  that  though  at  dinner  they  commonly 
take  nothing,  they  have  had  roast  mutton  with  the  chil 
dren  at  two,  and  laugh  at  their  pretensions  to  starvation. 

No !  a  woman  who  eats  a  grain  of  rice  like  Amina  in 
the  Arabian  Nights,  is  absurd  and  unnatural ;  but  there 
is  a  modus  in  rebus  :  there  is  no  reason  why  she  should 
be  a  Ghoul,  a  monster,  an  ogress,  a  horrid  gormandiser- 
ess — faugh ! 

It  was,  then,  with  a  rage  amounting  almost  to  agony, 
that  I  found  Ottilia  ate  too  much  at  every  meal.  She 
was  always  eating,  and  always  eating  too  much.  If  I 


OTTILIA.  169 


went  there  in  the  morning,  there  was  the  horrid  familiar 
odour  of  those  oniony  sandwiches;  if  in  the  afternoon, 
dinner  had  been  just  removed,  and  I  was  choked  by 
reeking  reminiscences  of  roast  meat.  Tea  we  have 
spoken  of.  She  gobbled  up  more  cakes  than  any  six 
people  present ;  then  came  the  supper  and  the  sand 
wiches  again,  and  the  egg-flip  and  the  horrible  rum- 
punch. 

She  was  as  thin  as  ever,  paler  if  possible  than  ever ; 
— but,  by  Heavens  !  her  nose  began  to  grow  red  ! 

Mon  dieu  !  how  I  used  to  watch  and  watch  it !  Some 
days  it  was  purple,  some  days  had  more  of  the  vermi 
lion — I  could  take  an  affidavit  that  after  a  heavy  night's 
supper  it  was  more  swollen,  more  red  than  before. 

I  recollect  one  night  when  we  were  playing  a  round 
game  (I  had  been  looking  at  her  nose  very  eagerly  and 
sadly  for  some  time),  she  of  herself  brought  up  the  con 
versation  about  eating,  and  confessed  that  she  had  five 
meals  a-day. 

"  That  accounts  for  it  /"  says  I,  flinging  down  the 
cards,  and  springing  up  and  rushing  like  a  madman  out 
of  the  room.  I  rushed  away  into  the  night,  and  wrestled 
with  my  passion.  "  What !  marry,"  said  I,  "  a  woman 
who  eats  meat  twenty-one  times  in  a  week,  besides 
breakfast  and  tea  ?  Marry  a  sarcophagus,  a  cannibal,  a 
butcher's  shop  ? — Away  !"  I  strove  and  strove,  I  drank, 
I  groaned,  I  wrestled  and  fought  with  my  love — but  it 
overcame  me  ;  one  look  of  those  eyes  brought  me  to  her 
feet  again.  I  yielded  myself  up  like  a  slave ;  I  fawned 
and  whined  for  her ;  I  thought  her  nose  was  not  so  very 
red. 

Things  came  to  this  pitch  that  I  sounded  His  High- 
8 


170  FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS. 

ness's  minister  to  know  whether  he  would  give  me  ser 
vice  in  the  Duchy  ;  I  thought  of  purchasing  an  estate 
there.  I  was  given  to  understand  that  I  should  get  a 
chamberlain's  key  and  some  post  of  honour  did  I  choose 
to  remain,  and  I  even  wrote  home  to  my  brother  Fitz  in 
England,  hinting  a  change  in  my  condition. 

At  this  juncture  the  town  of  Hamburg-  sent  His  High 
ness  the  Grand  Duke  (apropos  of  a  commercial  union 
which  was  pending  between  the  twOsStates)  a  singular 
present,  no  less  than  a  certain  number  of  barrels  of 
oysters,  which  are  considered  extreme  luxuries  in  Ger 
many,  especially  in  the  inland  parts  of  the  country, 
where  they  are  almost  unknown. 

In  honour  of  the  oysters  and  the  new  commercial 
treaty  (which  arrived  in  fourgons  despatched  for  the 
purpose),  His  Highness  announced  a  grand  supper  and 
ball,  and  invited  all  the  quality  of  all  the  principalities 
round  about.  It  was  a  splendid  affair,  the  grand  saloon 
brilliant  with  hundreds  of  uniforms  and  brilliant  toilettes 
— not  the  least  beautiful  among  them,  I  need  not  say, 
was  Ottilia. 

At  midnight  the  supper-rooms  were  thrown  open,  and 
we  formed  into  little  parties  of  six,  each  having  a  table, 
nobly  served  with  plate,  a  lackey  in  attendance,  and  a 
gratifying  ice-pail  or  two  of  champagne  to  cgayer  the 
supper.  It  was  no  small  cost  to  serve  five  hundred 
people  on  silver,  and  the  repast  was  certainly  a  princely 
and  magnificent  one. 

I  had,  of  course,  arranged  with  Mademoiselle  de 
Schlippenschlopp.  Captains  Frumpel  and  Friedelberger 
of  the  Duke's  Guard,  Mesdames  de  Butterbrod  and 
Bopp,  formed  our  little  party. 


OTTILIA.  171 


The  first  course,  of  course,  consisted  of  the  oysters. 
Ottilia's  eyes  gleamed  with  double  brilliancy  as  the 
lackey  opened  them ;  there  were  nine  a-piece  for  us — 
how  well  I  recollect  the  number  ! 

I  never  was  much  of  an  oyster-eater,  nor  can  I  relish 
them  in  naturalibus  as  some  do,  but  require  a  quantity 
of  sauces,  lemons,  cayenne  peppers,  bread  and  butter, 
and  so  forth,  to  render  them  palatable. 

By  the  time  I  had  made  my  preparations,  Ottilia,  the 
captains,  and  the  two  ladies,  had  well-nigh  finished 
theirs.  Indeed  Ottilia  had  gobbled  up  all  hers,  and 
there  were  only  my  nine  left  in  the  dish. 

I  took  one — IT  WAS  BAD.  The  scent  of  it  was  enough 
— they  were  all  bad.  Ottilia  had  eaten  nine  bad  oysters. 

I  put  down  the  horrid  shell.  Her  eyes  glistened  more 
and  more,  she  could  not  take  them  off  the  tray. 

"  Dear  Herr  George,"  she  said,  "  Will  you  give  me 
your  oysters?" 


She  had  them  all  down — before — I  could  say — Jack — 

Robinson. 

***** 

I  left  Kalbsbraten  that  night,  and  have  never  been 
there  since. 

G.  S.  F.  B. 


SOME  PASSAGES 


LIFE   OF   MAJOR   GAHAGAN, 


CHAPTER  I. 


I  THINK  it  but  right  that  in  making  my  appearance 
before  the  public  I  should  at  once  acquaint  them  with 
my  titles  and  name.  My  card,  as  I  leave  it  at  the 
houses  of  the  nobility,  my  friends,  is  as  follows  : — 


MAJOR  GOL1AH  O'GRADY  GAHAGAN,  H.E.I.C.S. 

Commanding  Battalion  of 
Irregular  Horse, 

AHMEDNUGGAR. 


Seeing,  I  say,  this  simple  visiting-ticket,  the  world 
will  avoid  any  of  those  awkward  mistakes  as  to  my 
person,  which  have  been  so  frequent  of  late.  There 
has  been  no  end  to  the  blunders  regarding  this  humble 
title  of  mine,  and  the  confusion  thereby  created.  When 
I  published  rny  volume  of  poems,  for  instance,  the 


174  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

"Morning  Post"  newspaper  remarked  "that  the  Lyrics 
of  the  Heart,  by  Miss  Gahagan,  may  be  ranked  among 
the  sweetest  flowerets  of  the  present  spring  season." 
"  The  Quarterly  Review,"  commenting  upon  my  "  Ob 
servations  on  the  Pons  Asinorum"  (4to.  London,  1836), 
called  me  "  Doctor  Gahagan,"  and  so  on.  It  was  time 
to  put  an  end  to  these  mistakes,  and  I  have  taken  the 
above  simple  remedy. 

I  was  urged  to  it  by  a  very  exalted  personage.  Din 
ing  in  August  last  at  the  Palace  of  the  T-l-r-es  at 
Paris,  the  lovely  young  Ducli-ss  of  OH — ns  (who, 
though  she  does  not  speak  English,  understands  it  as 
well  as  I  do)  said  to  me  in  the  softest  Teutonic,  "  Lieber 
Herr  Major,  haben  sie  den  Ahmednuggarisclien-jager- 
battalion  gelassen  ?"  "  Warum  den  ?n  said  I,  quite 

astonished  at  her  R — 1  H ss's  question.  The 

P — cess  then  spoke  of  some  trifle  from  my  pen,  which 
was  simply  signed  Goliah  Gahagan. 

There  was,  unluckily,  a  dead  silence  as  H.  R.  H.  put 
this  question. 

"Comment  done?"  said  H.  M.  Lo-is  Ph-l-ppe,  look 
ing  gravely  at  Count  Mole,  ule  cher  Major  a  quitte 
Farmed  Nicolas  done  sera  maitre  de  VInde!"  H. 
M and  the  Pr —  M-n-ster  pursued  their  conversa 
tion  in  a  low  tone,  and  left  me,  as  may  be  imagined,  in 
a  dreadful  state  of  confusion.  I  blushed,  and  stuttered, 
and  murmured  out  a  few  incoherent  words  to  explain — 
but  it  would  not  do — I  could  not  recover  my  equani 
mity  during  the  course  of  the  dinner ;  and  while  endea 
vouring  to  help  an  English  duke,  my  neighbour,  to 
poulet  a  V Austerlitz,  fairly  sent  seven  mushrooms  and 
three  large  greasy  croutes  over  his  whiskers  and  shirt- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAIIAGAX.  175 

frill.  Another  laugh  at  my  expense.  "Ahf  M.  h 

M<>jor"  said  the  Q of  the  B-lg — ns,  archly,  "  vous 

n'aurez  jamais  votre  brevet  de  Colonel"  Her  M y's 

joke  will  be  better  understood  when  I  state  that  his 
grace  is  the  brother  of  a  minister. 

I  am  not  at  liberty  to  violate  the  sanctity  of  private 
life  by  mentioning  the  names  of  the  parties  concerned 
in  this  little  anecdote.  I  only  wish  to  have  it  under 
stood  that  I  am  a  gentleman,  and  live  at  least  in  decent 
society.  Verbum  sat, 

But  to  be  serious.  I  am  obliged  always  to  write  the 
name  of  Goliah  in  full,  to  distinguish  me  from  my  bro 
ther,  Gregory  Gahagan,  who  was  also  a  major  (in  the 
King's  service),  and  whom  I  killed  in  a  duel,  as  the 
public  most  likely  knows.  Poor  Greg. !  a  very  trivial 
dispute  was  the  cause  of  our  quarrel,  which  never 
would  have  originated  but  for  the  similarity  of  our 
names.  The  circumstance  was  this  : — I  had  been  lucky 
enough  to  render  the  Nawaub  of  Lucknow  some  trifling 
service  (in  the  notorious  affair  of  Choprasjee  Muckjee), 
and  his  highness  sent  down  a  gold  toothpick-case 
directed  to  Captain  G.  Gahagan,  which  I  of  course 
thought  was  for  me :  my  brother  madly  claimed  it ; 
we  fought,  and  the  consequence  was,  that  in  about 
three  minutes  he  received  a  slash  in  the  right  side  (cut 
6),  which  effectually  did  his  business ; — he  was  a  good 
swordsman  enough — I  was  THE  BEST  in  the  universe. 
The  most  ridiculous  part  of  the  affair  is,  that  the  tooth 
pick-case  was  his,  after  all — he  had  left  it  on  the 
Nawaub's  table  at  tiffin.  I  can't  conceive  what  mad 
ness  prompted  him  to  fight  about  such  a  paltry  bauble ; 
'*»  had  much  better  have  yielded  it  at  once,  when  he 


176  SOME    PASSAGES    IX    THE 

saw  I  was  determined  to  have  it.  From  this  slight 
specimen  of  my  adventures,  the  reader  will  perceive 
that  my  life  has  been  one  of  no  ordinary  interest ;  and, 
in  fact,  I  may  say  that  I  have  led  a  more  remarkable 
life  than  any  man  in  the  service — I  have  been  at  more 
pitched  battles,  led  more  forlorn  hopes,  had  more  suc 
cess  among-  the  fair  sex,  drunk  harder,  read  more,  and 
been  a  handsomer  man  than  any  officer  now  serving 
her  Majesty. 

When  I  first  went  to  India  in  1802,  I  was  a  raw 
cornet  of  seventeen,  with  blazing  red  hair,  six  feet  seven 
in  height,  athletic  at  all  kinds  of  exercises,  owing  money 
to  my  tailor  and  everybody  else  who  would  trust  me, 
possessing  an  Irish  brogue,  and  my  full  pay  of  120?. 
a-year.  I  need  not  say  that  with  all  these  advantages 
I  did  that  which  a  number  of  clever  fellows  have  done 
before  me — I  fell  in  love,  and  proposed  to  marry  imme 
diately. 

But  how  to  overcome  the  difficulty  ? — It  is  true  that 
I  loved  Julia  Jowler — loved  her  to  madness ;  but  her 
father  intended  her  for -a  member  of  council  at  least, 
and  not  for  a  beggarly  Irish  ensign.  It  was,  however, 
my  fate  to  make  the  passage  to  India  (on  board  of  the 
Samuel  Snob  East  Indiaman,  Captain  Duffy)  with  this 
lovely  creature,  and  my  misfortune  instantaneously  to 
fall  in  love  with  her.  We  were  not  out  of  the  Channel 
before  I  adored  her,  worshipped  the  deck  which  she 
trod  upon,  kissed  a  thousand  times  the  cuddy-chair  on 
which  she  used  to  sit.  The  same  madness  fell  on  every 
man  in  the  ship.  The  two  mates  fought  about  her  at 
the  Cape — the  surgeon,  a  sober,  pious  Scotchman,  from 
disappointed  affection,  took  so  dreadfully  to  drinking  as 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  177 

to  threaten  spontaneous  combustion — and  old  Colonel 
Lilywhite,  carrying  his  wife  and  seven  daughters  to 
Bengal,  swore  that  he  would  have  a  divorce  from  Mrs. 
L.,  and  made  an  attempt  at  suicide — the  captain  him 
self  told  me,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  he  hated  his 
hitherto-adored  Mrs.  Duffy,  although  he  had  had  nine 
teen  children  by  her. 

We  used  to  call  her  the  witch — there  was  magic  in 
her  beauty  and  in  her  voice.  I  was  spell-bound  when 
I  looked  at  her,  and  stark- staring  mad  when  she  looked 
at  me !  Oh,  lustrous  black  eyes  ! — Oh,  glossy  night- 
black  ringlets  ! — Oh,  lips  ! — Oh,  dainty  frocks  of  white 
muslin  ! — Oh,  tiny  kid  slippers  ! — though  old  and 
gouty,  Gahagan  sees  you  still !  I  recollect  off  Ascen 
sion,  she  looked  at  me  in  her  particular  way  one  day  at 
dinner,  just  as  I  happened  to  be  blowing  on  a  piece  of 
scalding  hot  green  fat.  I  was  stupefied  at  once — I 
thrust  the  entire  morsel  (about  half  a  pound)  into  my 
mouth.  I  made  no  attempt  to  swallow  or  to  masticate 
it,  but  left  it  there  for  many  minutes  burning,  burning ! 
I  had  no  skin  to  my  palate  for  seven  weeks  after,  and 
lived  on  rice-water  during  the  rest  of  the  voyage.  The 
anecdote  is  trivial,  but  it  shows  the  power  of  Julia 
Jowler  over  me. 

The  writers  of  marine  novels  have  so  exhausted  the 
subject  of  storms,  shipwrecks,  mutinies,  engagements, 
sea-sickness,  and  so  forth,  that  (although  I  have  expe 
rienced  each  of  these  in  many  varieties)  I  think  it  quite 
unnecessary  to  recount  such  trifling  adventures  ;  suffice 
it  to  say,  that  during  our  five  months  trajet,  my  mad 
passion  for  Julia  daily  increased ;  so  did  the  captain's 
and  the  surgeon's;  so  did  Colonel  Lily-white's;  so  dicL 
8* 


178  SOME    PASSAGES    INT    THE 

the  doctor's,  the  mate's — that  of  most  part  of  the  pas 
sengers,  and  a  considerable  number  of  the  crew.  For 
myself,  I  swore — ensign  as  I  was — I  would  win  her  for 
my  wife ;  I  vowed  that  I  would  make  her  glorious  with 
my  sword — that  as  soon  as  I  had  made  a  favourable 
impression  on  my  commanding  officer,  (which  I  did  not 
doubt  to  create,)  I  would  lay  open  to  him  the  state  of 
my  affections,  and  demand  his  daughter's  hand.  With 
such  sentimental  outpourings  did  our  voyage  continue 
and  conclude. 

.  We  landed  at  the  Sunderbunds  on  a  grilling  hot  day 
in  December,  1802,  and  then  for  the  moment  Julia  and 
I  separated.  She  was  carried  off  to  her  papa's  arms  in 
a  palankeen,  surrounded  by  at  least  forty  Hookah- 
badars ;  whilst  the  poor  cornet,  attended  but  by  two 
dandies  and  a  solitary  beasty,  (by  which  unnatural 
name  these  blackamoors  are  called,)  made  his  way 
humbly  to  join  the  regiment  at  head-quarters. 

The  — th  regiment  of  Bengal  Cavalry,  then  under 
the  command  of  Lieut-Colonel  Julius  Jowler,  C.  B., 
was  known  throughout  Asia  and  Europe  by  the  proud 
title  of  the  Bundelcund  Invincibles — so  great  was  its 
character  for  bravery,  so  remarkable  were  its  services  in 
that  delightful  district  of  India.  Major  Sir  George 
Gutch  was  next  in  command,  and  Tom  Thrupp,  as 
kind  a  fellow  as  ever  ran  a  Mahratta  through  the  body, 
was  second  major.  We  were  on  the  eve  of  that 
remarkable  war  which  was  speedily  to  spread  through 
out  the  whole  of  India,  to  call  forth  the  valour  of  a 
Wellesley,  and  the  indomitable  gallantry  of  a  Gahagan  ; 
which  was  illustrated  by  our  victories  at  Ahmednuggar, 
'where  I  was  the  first  over  the  barricade  at  the  storm- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  lV9 

ing  of  the  Pettah ;)  at  Argaum,  where  I  slew  with  my 
own  sword  twenty-three  matchlock-men,  and  cut  a 
dromedary  in  two  ;  and  by  that  terrible  day  of  Assaye, 
where  Wellesley  would  have  been  beaten  but  for  me — 
me  alone ;  I  headed  nineteen  charges  of  cavalry,  took 
(aided  by  only  four  men  of  my  own  troop)  seventeen 
field-pieces,  killing  the  scoundrelly  French  artillery 
men  ;  on  that  day  I  had  eleven  elephants  shot  under 
me,  and  carried  away  Scindia's  nose-ring  with  a  pistol- 
ball.  Wellesley  is  a  duke  and  a  marshal,  I  but  a  simple 
major  of  Irregulars;  such  is  fortune  and  war !  But  my 
feelings  carry  me  away  from  my  narrative,  which  had 
better  proceed  with  more  order. 

On  arriving,  I  say,  at  our  barracks  at  Dum  Dum,  I 
for  the  first  time  put  on  the  beautiful  uniform  of  the 
Invincibles ;  a  light  blue  swallow-tailed  jacket  with  silver 
lace  and  wings,  ornamented  with  about  3000  sugar-loaf 
buttons,  rhubarb-coloured  leather  inexpressibles,  (tights,) 
and  red  morocco  boots  with  silver  spurs  and  tassels,  set 
off  to  admiration  the  handsome  persons  of  the  officers  of 
our  corps.  We  wore  powder  in  those  days,  and  a  regu 
lation  pig-tail  of  seventeen  inches,  a  brass  helmet  sur 
rounded  by  leopard-skin,  with  a  bear-skin  top,  and 
a  horse-tail  feather,  gave  the  head  a  fierce  and  chival 
rous  appearance,  which  is  far  more  easily  imagined  than 
described. 

Attired  in  this  magnificent  costume,  I  first  presented 
myself  before  Colonel  Jovvler.  He  was  habited  in  a 
manner  precisely  similar,  but  not  being  more  than  five 
feet  in  height,  and  weighing  at  least  fifteen  stone,  the 
dress  he  wore  did  not  become  him  quite  so  much 
as  slimmer  and  taller  men.  Flanked  by  his  tall  majors, 


180  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 


Thrupp  and  Gutch,  he  looked  like  a  stumpy  skittle-ball 
between  two  attenuated  skittles.  The  plump  little  Co 
lonel  received  me  with  vast  cordiality,  and  I  speedily 
became  a  prime  favourite  with  himself  and  the  other 
officers  of  the  corps.  Jowler  was  the  most  hospitable 
of  men,  and,  gratifying  my  appetite  and  my  love  toge 
ther,  I  continually  partook  of  his  dinners,  and  feasted 
on  the  sweet  presence  of  Julia. 

I  can  see  now,  what  I  would  not  and  could  not  per 
ceive  in  those  early  clays,  that  this  Miss  Jowler,  on 
whom  I  had  lavished  my  first  and  warmest  love,  whom 
I  had  endowed  with  all  perfection  and  purity,  was  no 
better  than  a  little  impudent  flirt,  who  played  with  my 
feelings,  because  during  the  monotony  of  a  sea  voyage 
she  had  no  other  toy  to  play  with  ;  and  who  deserted 
others  for  me,  and  me  for  others,  just  as  her  whim  or 
her  interest  might  guide  her.  She  had  not  been  three 
weeks  at  head-quarters  when  half  the  regiment  was  in 
love  with  her.  Each  and  all  of  the  candidates  had  some 
favour  to  boast  of,  or  some  encouraging  hopes  on  which 
to  build.  It  was  the  scene  of  the  Samuel  Snob  over 
again,  only  heightened  in  interest  by  a  number  of  duels. 
The  following  list  will  give  the  reader  a  notion  of  some 
of  them  : — 

1.  Cornet  Gahagan.  Ensign  Hicks,  of  the  Sappers 

and  Miners.  Hicks  received 
a  ball  in  his  jaw,  and  was 
half  choked  by  a  quantity 
of  carrotty  whisker  forced 
down  his  throat  with  the 
ball. 

2.  Capt  Macgillicuddy,  B.  X.  I.     Cornet  Gahagan. — I  was  run 

through  the  body,  but  the 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  181 


sword  passed  between  the 
ribs,  and  injured  me  very 
slightly. 

3.  Capt,  Macgillicuddy,  B.  N.  I.     Mr.  Mulligatawney,  B.  C.  S., 

Deputy  -  Assistant,  Vice 
Sub-Controller  of  the  Bogg- 
leywollah  Indigo  grounds, 
Ramgolly  branch. 

Macgillicuddy  should  have  stuck  to  sword's  play, 
and  he  might  have  come  off  in  his  second  duel  as  well 
as  in  his  first ;  as  it  was,  the  civilian  placed  a  ball  and 
a  part  of  Mac's  gold  repeater  in  his  stomach.  A  remark 
able  circumstance  attended  this  shot,  an  account  of 
which  I  sent  home  to  the  Philosophical  Transactions  : 
the  surgeon  had  extracted  the  ball,  and  was  going  off, 
thinking  that  all  was  well,  when  the  gold  repeater 
struck  thirteen  in  poor  Macgillicuddy 's  abdomen.  I 
suppose  that  the  works  must  have  been  disarranged  in 
some  way  by  the  bullet,  for  the  repeater  was  one  of 
Barraud's,  never  known  to  fail  before,  and  the  circum 
stance  occurred  at  seven  o'clock.* 

I  could  continue,  almost  ad  infinitum,  an  account 
of  the  wars  which  this  Helen  occasioned,  but  the  above 
three  specimens  will,  I  should  think,  satisfy  the  peace 
ful  reader.  I  delight  not  in  scenes  of  blood,  Heaven 
knows,  but  I  was  compelled  in  the  course  of  a  few 
weeks,  and  for  the  sake  of  this  one  woman,  to  fight 


*  So  admirable  are  the  performances  of  these  watches,  which  will  stand 
in  any  climate,  that  I  repeatedly  heard  poor  Macgillicuddy  relate  the  follow 
ing  fact.  The  hours,  as  it  is  known,  count  iu  Italy  from  one  to  twenty-four  : 
tlie  day  Mac  landed  at  Naples  his  repeater  rung  the  Italian  hours,  from  one  to 
twenty-four :  as  scon  as  he  crossed  .the  Alps  it  only  sounded  as  usual.  G. 
O'G.  G. 


182  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

nine  duels  myself,  and  I  know  that  four  times  as  many 
more  took  place  concerning  her. 

I  forgot  to  say  that  Jowler's  wife  was  a  half  caste  woman, 
who  had  been  born  and  bred  entirely  in  India,  and  whom 
the  Colonel  had  married  from  the  house  of  her  mother, 
a  native.     There  were  some  singular  rumours  abroad 
regarding  this  latter  lady's  history — it  was  reported  that 
she  was  the  daughter  of  a  native  Rajah,  and  had  been 
carried  off  by  a  poor  English  subaltern  in  Lord  Olive's 
time.     The  young  man  was  killed  very  soon  after,  and 
le/t   his    child    with    its    mother.      The   black   Prince 
forgave  his  daughter  and  bequeathed  to  her  a  handsome 
sum  of  money.     I  suppose  that  it  was  on  this  account 
that  Jowler  married  Mrs.  J.,  a  creature  who  had  not,  I 
do  believe,  a  Christian  name,  or  a  single  Christian  qua 
lity — she  was  a  hideous,  bloated,  yellow  creature,  with 
a  beard,  black  teeth,  and  red  eyes :  she  was  fat,  lying, 
ugly,  and  stingy — she  hated  and  was  hated  by  all  the 
world,  and  by  her  jolly  husband  as  devoutly  as  by  any 
other.     She  did  not  pass  a  month  in  the  year  with  him, 
but  spent  most  of  her  time  with  her  native  friends.     I 
wonder  how  she  could  have  given  birth  to  so  lovely 
a  creature  as  her  daughter.     This  woman  was  of  course 
with  the  Colonel  when  Julia  arrived,  and  the  spice  of 
the  devil  in  her  daughter's  composition  was  most  care 
fully  nourished  and  fed  by  her.     If  Julia  had  been  a 
flirt   before,  she  was    a   downright  jilt  now ;  she  set 
the  whole  cantonment  by  the  ears  ;  she  made  wives 
jealous  and  husbands  miserable ;  she  caused  all  those 
duels  of  which  I  have  discoursed  already,  and  yet  such 
was  the  fascination  of  THE  WITCH  that  I  still  thought 
her  an  angel.     I  made  court  to  the  nasty  mother  in 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAK.  183 

order  to  be  near  the  daughter  ;  and  I  listened  untiringly 
to  Jowler's  interminable  dull  stories,  because  I  was  occu 
pied  all  the  time  in  watching  the  graceful  movements 
of  Miss  Julia. 

But  the  trumpet  of  war  was  soon  ringing  in  our  ears  ; 
and  on  the  battle-field  Gahagan  is  a  man  !  The  Bun- 
delcund  Invincibles  received  orders  to  march,  and  Jowler, 
Hector-like,  donned  his  helmet,  and  prepared  to  part 
from  his  Andromache.  And  now  arose  his  perplexity  : 
what  must  be  done  with  his  daughter,  his  Julia  ?  He 
knew  his  wife's  peculiarities  of  living,  and  did  not  much 
care  to  trust  his  daughter  to  her  keeping ;  but  in  vain  he 
tried  to  find  her  an  asylum  among  the  respectable 
ladies  of  his  regiment.  Lady  Gutch  offered  to  receive 
her,  but  would  have  nothing  to  do  with  Mrs.  Jowler ; 
the  surgeon's  wife,  Mrs.  Sawbone,  would  have  neither 
mother  nor  daughter;  there  was  no  help  for  it,  Julia 
and  her  mother  must  have  a  house  together,  and  Jowler 
knew  that  his  wife  would  fill  it  with  her  odious  blacka 
moor  friends. 

I  could  not,  however,  go  forth  satisfied  to  the  cam 
paign  until  I  learned  from  Julia  my  fate.  I  watched 
twenty  opportunities  to  see  her  alone,  "and  wandered 
about  the  Colonel's  bungalow  as  an  informer  does  about 
a  public-house,  marking  the  incomings  and  the  outgo 
ings  of  the  family,  and  longing  to  seize  the  moment 
when  Miss  Jowler,  unbiassed  by  her  mother  or  her  papa, 
might  listen,  perhaps,  to  my  eloquence,  and  melt  at  the 
tale  of  my  love. 

But  it  would  not  do — old  Jowler  seemed  to  have 
taken  all  of  a  sudden  to  such  a  fit  of  domesticity,  that 
there  was  no  finding  him  out  of  doors,  and  his  rhubarb- ^ 


184  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

coloured  wife  (I  believe  that  her  skin  gave  the  first  idea 
of  our  regimental  breeches),  who  before  had  been 
gadding  ceaselessly  abroad,  and  poking  her  broad  nose 
into  every  manage  in  the  cantonment,  stopped  faithfully 
at  home  with  her  spouse.  '  My  only  chance  was  to 
beard  the  old  couple  in  their  den,  and  ask  them  at  once 
for  their  cub. 

So  I  called  one  day  at  tiffin  : — old  Jowler  was  always 
happy  to  have  my  company  at  this  meal ;  it  amused 
him,  he  said,  to  see  me  diink  Hodgson's  pale  ale  (I 
drank  two  hundred  and  thirty-four  dozen  the  first  year 
I  was  in  Bengal) — and  it  was  no  small  piece  of 
fun,  certainly,  to  see  old  Mrs.  Jowler  attack  the  currie- 
bhaut ; — she  was  exactly  the  colour  of  it,  as  I  have  had 
already  the  honour  to  remark,  and  she  swallowed  the 
mixture  with  a  gusto  which  was  never  equalled,  except 
by  my  poor  friend  Dando,  a  propos  d'huitres.  She  con 
sumed  the  first  three  platefuls,  with  a  fork  and  spoon, 
like  a  Christian  ;  but  as  she  warmed  to  her  work,  the  old 
hag  would  throw  away  her  silver  implements,  and,  drag 
ging  the  dishes  towards  her,  go  to  work  with  her  hands, 
flip  the  rice  into  her  mouth  with  her  fingers,  and  stow 
away  a  quantity  of  eatables  sufficient  for  a  sepoy  com 
pany.  But  why  do  I  diverge  from  the  main  point  of 
my  story  ? 

Julia,  then,  Jowler,  and  Mrs.  J.,  were  at  luncheon  : 
the  dear  girl  was  in  the  act  to  sable?'  a  glass  of  Hodgson 
as  I  entered.  '•  How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Gagin  ?"  said  the 
old  hag,  leeringl y  ;  "  eat  a  bit  o'  currie-bhaut" — and  she 
thrust  the  dish  towards  me,  securing  a  heap  as  it  passed. 
"  What,  Gagy,  ray  boy,  how  do,  how  do  ?"  said  the  fat 
colonel ;  "  what,  run  through  the  body  ? — got  well  again 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  185 

— have  some  Hodgson — run  through  your  body  too  !" 
— and  at  this,  I  may  say,  coarse  joke  (alluding  to  the 
fact,  that  in  these  hot  climates  the  ale  oozes  out  as  it 
were  from  the  pores  of  the  skin,)  old  Jqvvler  laughed  :  a 
host  of  swarthy  chobdars,  kitmatgars,  sices,  consomers, 
and  bobbychies  laughed  too,  as  they  provided  me, 
unasked,  \yith  the  grateful  fluid.  Swallowing  six  tumblers 
of  it,  I  paused  nervously  for  a  moment,  and  then  said — • 

"  Bobbachy,  consomah,  ballybaloo  hoga." 

The  black  ruffians  took  the  hint,  and  retired. 

"  Colonel  and  Mrs.  Jowler,"  said  I,  solemnly,  "we  are 
alone ;  and  you,  Miss  Jowler,  you  are  alone  too ;  that  is 
— I  mean — I  take  this  opportunity  to — (another  glass 
of  ale  if  you  please,) — to  express,  once  for  all,  before 
departing  on  a  dangerous  campaign — (Julia  turned 
pale) — before  entering,  I  say,  upon  a  war  which  may 
stretch  in  the  dust  my  high-raised  hopes  and  me, 
to  express  my  hopes  while  life  still  remains  to  me,  and 
to  declare  in  the  face  of  heaven,  earth,  and  Colonel 
Jowler,  that  I  love  you,  Julia  !"  The  Colonel,  astonish 
ed,  let  fall  a  steel  fork,  which  stuck  quivering  for  some 
minutes  in  the  calf  of  my  leg;  but  I  heeded  not  the 
paltry  interruption.  "  Yes,  by  yon  bright  heaven,"  con 
tinued  I,  "  I  love  you,  Julia  !  I  respect  my  commander,  I 
esteem  your  excellent  and  beauteous  mother ;  tell  me, 
before  I  leave  you,  if  I  may  hope  for  a  return  of  my 
affection.  Say  that  you  love  me,  and  I  will  do  such 
deeds  in  this  coming  war,  as  shall  make  you  proud  of  the 
name  of  your  Gahagan." 

The  old  woman,  as  I  delivered  these  touching  words, 
stared,  snapped,  and  ground  her  teeth,  like  an  enraged 
monkey.  Julia  was  now  red,  now  white  ;  the  colonel 


186  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

stretched  forward,  took  the  fork  out  of  the  calf  of  my 
leg,  wiped  it,  and  then  seized  a  bundle  of  letters,  which 
I  had  remarked  by  his  side. 

"  A  cornet !"  said  he,  in  a  voice  choking  with  emotion  ; 
"  a  pitiful,  beggarly,  Irish  cornet,  aspire  to  the  hand  of 
Julia  Jowler  !  Gag — Gahagan,  are  you  mad,  or 
laughing  at  us  ?  Look  at  these  letters,  young  man,  at 
these  letters,  I  say — one  hundred  and  twenty-four  epis 
tles  from  every  part  of  India  (not  including  one  from 
the  governor-general  and  six  from  his  brother,  Colonel 
Wellesley,) — one  hundred  and  twenty-four  proposals 
Tor  the  hand  of  Miss  Jowler.  Cornet  Gahagan,"  he  con 
tinued,  "  I  wish  to  think  well  of  you  :  you  are  the 
bravest,  the  most  modest,  and,  perhaps,  the  handsomest 
man  in  our  corps,  but  you  have  not  got  a  single  rupee. 
You  ask  me  for  Julia,  and  you  do  not  possess  even  an 
anna  ! — (Here  the  old  rogue  grinned,  as  if  he  had  made 
a  capital  pun.)  No,  no,"  said  he,  waxing  good-natured  ; 
"  Gagy,  my  boy,  it  is  nonsense  !  Julia,  love,  retire 
with  your  mamma ;  this  silly  young  gentleman  will 
remain  and  smoke  a  pipe  with  me." 

I  took  one  ;  it  was  the  bitterest  chillum  I  ever  smoked 
in  my  life. 

*  *  *  *  * 

I  am  not  going  to  give  here  an  account  of  my 
military  services  ;  they  will  appear  in  my  great  national 
autobiography,  in  forty  volumes,  which  I  am  now  pre 
paring  for  the  press.  I  was  with  my  regiment  in 
all  Wellesley's  brilliant  campaigns,  then,  taking  dawk, 
I  travelled  across  the  country  north-eastward,  and  had 
the  honour  of  fighting  by  the  side  of  Lord  Lake, 
at  Laswaree,  Deeg,  Furruckabad,  Futtyghur,  and  Bhurt- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  187 

pore  ;  but  I  will  not  boast  of  my  actions- -the  military 
man  knows  them,  MY  SOVEREIGN  appreciates  them.  If 
asked  who  was  the  bravest  man  of  the  Indian  army, 
there  is  not  an  officer  belonging  to  it  who  would  not  cry 
at  once,  GAHAGAN.  The  fact  is,  I  was  desperate;  I 
cared  not  for  life,  deprived  of  Julia  Jowler. 

"With  Julia's  stony  looks  ever  before  my  eyes,  her 
father's  stern  refusal  in  my  ears,  I  did  not  care,  at  the 
close  of  the  campaign,  again  to  seek  her  company  or  to 
press  my  suit.  We  were  eighteen  months  on  service, 
marching  and  countermarching,  and  righting  almost 
every  other  day ;  to  the  world  I  did  not  seem  altered  ; 
but  the  world  only  saw  the  face,  and  not  the  seared  and 
blighted  heart  writhin  me.  My  valour,  always  despe 
rate,  now  reached  to  a  pitch  of  cruelty ;  I  tortured  rny 
grooms  and  grass-cutters  for  the  most  trifling  offence  or 
error, — I  never  in  action  spared  a  man, — I  sheared  off 
three  hundred  and  nine  heads  in  the  course  of  that  sin 
gle  campaign. 

Some  influence,  equally  melancholy,  seemed  to  have 
fallen  upon  poor  old  Jowler.  About  six  months  after 
we  had  left  Dum  Dum,  he  received  a  parcel  of  letters 
from  Benares  (whither  his  wife  had  retired  with  her 
daughter),  and  so  deeply  did  they  seem  to  weigh  upon 
his  spirits,  that  he  ordered  eleven  men  of  his  regiment 
to  be  flogged  within  two  days  ;  but  it  was  against  the 
blacks  that  he  chiefly  turned  his  wrath :  our  fellows,  in 
the  heat  and  hurry  of  the  campaign,  were  in  the  habit 
of  dealing  rather  roughly  with  their  prisoners,  to  extract 
treasure  from  them.  They  used -to  pull  their  nails  out 
by  the  root,  to  boil  them  in  kedgeree  pots,  to  flog  them 
and  dress  their  wounds  with  cayenne  pepper,  and  so  on. 


188  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

Jowler,  when  he  heard  of  these  proceedings,  which 
before  had  always  justly  exasperated  him  (he  was 
a  humane  and  kind  little  man,)  used  now  to  smile 

fiercely,  and  say,  u  D the  black  scoundrels  !  Serve 

them  right,  serve  them  right !" 

One  day,  about  a  couple  of  miles  in  advance  of  the 
column,  I  had  been  on  a  foraging  party  with  a  few  dra 
goons,  and  was  returning  peaceably  to  camp,  when  of  a 
sudden,  a  troop  of  Mahrattas  burst  on  us  from  a  neigh 
bouring  mango  tope,  in  which  they  had  been  hidden  : 
in  an  instant,  three  of  my  men's  saddles  were  empty, 
and  I  was  left  with  but  seven  more  to  make  head 
against  at  least  thirty  of  these  vagabond  black  horse 
men.  I  never  saw,  in  my  life,  a  nobler  figure  than 
the  leader  of  the  troop — mounted  on  a  splendid  black 
Arab :  he  was  as  tall,  very  nearly,  as  myself  ;  he  wore  a 
steel  cap,  and  a  shirt  of  mail,  and  carried  a  beau 
tiful  French  carbine,  which  had  already  done  exe 
cution  upon  two  of  my  men.  I  saw  that  our  only 
chance  of  safety  lay  in  the  destruction  of  this  man.  I 
shouted  to  him  in  a  voice  of  thunder  (in  the  Hin- 
dostanee  tongue  of  course),  "  Stop,  dog,  if  you  dare, 
and  encounter  a  man  !" 

In  reply  his  lance  came  whirling  in  the  air  over  my 
head,  and  mortally  transfixed  poor  Foggarty,  of  ours, 
who  was  behind  me.  Grinding  my  teeth,  and  swearing 
horribly,  I  drew  that  scimitar  which  never  yet  failed  in 
its  blow,*  and  rushed  at  the  Indian.  He  came  down  at 
full  gallop,  his  own  sword  making  ten  thousand  gleam 
ing  circles  in  the  air,  shrieking  his  cry  of  battle. 

*  In  my  affair  with  Macgillicuddy,  I  was  fool  enough  to  go  out  with  small 
6W>rds  :— miserable  weapons,  only  fit  for  tailors. — G.  O'G.  G. 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  189 

The  contest  did  not  last  an  instant.  With  ray  first 
blow  I  cut  off  his  sword-arm  at  the  wrist ;  my  second  I 
levelled  at  his  head.  I  said  that  he  wore  a  steel  cap, 
with  a  gilt  iron  spike  of  six  inches,  and  a  hood  of  chain 
mail.  I  rose  in  my  stirrups,  and  delivered  "  St. 
George ;"  my  sword  caught  the  spike  exactly  on  the 
point,  split  it  sheer  in  two,  cut  crashing  through  the 
steel  cap  and  hood,  and  was  only  stopped  by  a  ruby 
which  he  wore  in  -his  back-plate.  His  head,  cut  clean 
in  two  between  the  eye-brows  and  nostrils,  even  between 
the  two  front  teeth,  fell,  one  side  on  each  shoulder,  and 
he  galloped  on  till  his  horse  was  stopped  by  my  men, 
who  were  not  a  little  amused  at  the  feat. 

As  I  had  expected,  the  remaining  ruffians  fled  on 
seeing  their  leader's  fate.  I  took  home  his  helmet  by 
way  of  curiosity,  and  we  made  a  single  prisoner,  who 
was  instantly  carried  before  old  Jowler. 

We  asked  the  prisoner  the  name  of  the  leader  of  the 
troop ;  he  said  it  was  Chowder  Loll. 

"  CHOWDER  LOLL  !"  shrieked  Colonel  Jowler.  "  Oh, 
fate !  thy  hand  is  here !"  He  rushed  wildly  into  his 
tent — the  next  day  applied  for  leave  of  absence.  Gutch 
took  the  command  of  the  regiment,  and  I  saw  him  no 
more  for  some  time. 

****** 

As  I  had  distinguished  myself  not  a  little  during  the 
war,  General  Lake  sent  me  up  with  dispatches  to  Calcutta, 
where  Lord  Wellesley  received  me  with  the  greatest  dis 
tinction.  Fancy  my  surprise,  on  going  to  a  ball  at 
Government-house,  to  meet  my  old  friend  Jowler  ;  my 
trembling,  blushing,  thrilling  delight,  when  I  saw  Julia 
by  his  side ! 


190  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

Jowler  seemed  to  blush  too  when  he  beheld  me.  I 
thought  of  my  former  passages  with  his  daughter. 
"  Gagy,  my  boy,"  says  he,  shaking  hands,  "  glad  to  see 
you,  old  friend,  Julia — come  to  tiffin — Hodgson's  pale 
— brave  fellow  Gagy."  Julia  did  not  speak,  but  she 
turned  ashy  pale  and  fixed  upon  me  with  her  awful 
eyes !  I  fainted  almost,  and  uttered  some  incoherent 
words.  Julia  took  my  hand,  gazed  at  me  still,  and  said 
"  Come  !"  Need  I  say  I  went  ? 

I  will  not  go  over  the  pale  ale  and  currie-bhaut  again, 
but  this  I  know,  that  in  half  an  hour  I  was  as  much  in 
love  as  I  ever  had  been  ;  and  that  in  three  weeks — I, 
yes,  I — was  the  accepted  lover  of  Julia  !  I  did  not  pause 
to  ask,  where  were  the  one  hundred  and  twenty-four 
offers  ?  why  I,  refused  before,  should  be  accepted  now  I 
I  only  felt  that  I  loved  her,  and  was  happy  ! 

*  *  *  *  *  * 

One  night,  one  memorable  night,  I  could  not  sleep, 
and,  with  a  lover's  pardonable  passion,  wandered  solitary 
through  the  city  of  palaces  until  I  came  to  the  house 
which  contained  my  Julia.  I  peeped  into  the  com 
pound — all  was  still ; — I  looked  into  the  verandah — all 
was  dark,  except  a  light — yes,  one  light — and  it  was  in 
Julia's  chamber  !  My  heart  throbbed  almost  to  stifling. 
I  would — I  would  advance,  if  but  to  gaze  upon  her  for 
a  moment,  and  to  bless  her  as  she  slept.  I  did  look,  I 
did  advance  ;  and,  oh  Heaven  !  I  saw  a  lamp  burning, 
Mrs.  Jow.  in  a  night-dress,  with  a  very  dark  baby  in 
her  arras,  and  Julia,  looking  tenderly  at  an  Ayah,  who 
was  nursing  another. 

"  0,  mamma,"  said  Julia,  "  what  would  that  fool 
Gahagan  say,  if  he  knew  all  ?" 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  191 

"  He  does  know  all  /"  shouted  I,  springing  forward, 
and  tearing  down  the  tatties  from  the  window.  Mrs. 
Jow.  ran  shrieking  out  of  the  room,  Julia  fainted,  the 
cursed  black  children  squalled,  and  their  d — d  nurse 
fell  on  her  knees,  gabbling  some  infernal  jargon  of  Hin- 
dostanee.  Old  Jowler  at  this  juncture  entered  with  a 
candle  and  a  drawn  sword. 

"  Liar  !  scoundrel  !  deceiver  !"  shouted  I.  "  Turn, 
ruffian,  and  defend  yourself!"  But  old  Jowler,  when 
he  saw  me,  only  whistled,  looked  at  his  lifeless  daugh 
ter,  and  slowly  left  the  room. 

Why  continue  the  tale  ?  I  need  not  now  account 
for  Jowler's  gloom  on  receiving  his  letters  from  Benares 
— for  his  exclamation  upon  the  death  of  the  Indian 
chief — for  his  desire  to  marry  his  daughter  :  the  woman 
I  was  wooing  was  no  longer  Miss  Julia  Jowler,  she  was 
Mrs.  CHOWDER  LOLL  ! 


CHAPTER  II. 

ALLYGHUR    AND    LASWAREE. 

I  SAT  down  to  write  gravely  and  sadly,  for  (since  the 
appearance  of  some  of  my  adventures  in  a  monthly 
magazine)  unprincipled  men  have  endeavoured  to  rob 
me  of  the  only  good  I  possess,  to  question  the  state 
ments  that  I  make,  and  themselves,  without  a  spark  of 
"honour  or  good  feeling,  to  steal  from  me  that  which  is 
my  sole  wealth — my  character  as  a  teller  of  THE  TRUTH. 
The  reader  will  understand  that  it  is  to  the  illiberal 
strictures  of  a  profligate  press  I  now  allude;  among 


192  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

the  London  journalists,  none  (luckily  for  themselves) 
have  dared  to  question  the  veracity  of  my  statements ; 
they  know  me,  and  they  know  that  I  am  in  London. 
If  I  can  use  the  pen,  I  can  also  wield  a  more  manly  and 
terrible  weapon,  and  would  answer  their  contradictions 
with  my  sword !  No  gold  or  gems  adorn  the  hilt  of 
that  war-worn  scimetar,  but  there  is  blood  upon  the 
blade — the  blood  of  the  enemies  of  my  country,  and 
the  maligners  of  my  honest  fame.  There  are  others, 
however — the  disgrace  of  a  disgraceful  trade — who 
borrowing  from  distance  a  despicable  courage,  have 
ventured  to  assail  me.  The  infamous  editors  of  the 
"Kelso  Champion,"  the  "Bungay  Beacon,"  the  "Tip- 
perary  Argus,"  and  the  "  Stoke  Pogis  Sentinel,"  and 
other  dastardly  organs  of  the  provincial  press,  have, 
although  differing  in  politics,  agreed  upon  this  one  point, 
and  with  a  scoundrelly  unanimity,  vented  a  flood  of 
abuse  upon  the  revelations  made  by  me. 

They  say  that  I  have  assailed  private  characters,  and 
wilfully  perverted  history  to  blacken  the  reputation  of 
public  men.  I  ask,  was  any  one  of  these  men  in  Ben 
gal  in  the  year  1803?  Was  any  single  conductor  of 
any  one  of  these  paltry  prints  ever  in  Bundelcund  or 
the  Rohilla  country  ?  Does  this  exquisite  Tipperary 
scribe  know  the  difference  between  Hurrygurrybang 
and  Burrumtollah  ?  Not  he  !  and  because,  forsooth,  in 
those  strange  and  distant  lands  strange  circumstances 
have  taken  place,  it  is  insinuated  that  the  relator  is  a 
liar,  nay,  that  the  very  places  themselves  have  no  ex 
istence  but  in  my  imagination.  Fools ! — but  I  will  not 
waste  my  anger  upon  them,  and  proceed  to  recount 
some  other  portions  of  my  personal  history. 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAX.  193 


It  is,  I  presume,  a  fact  which  even  these  scribbling 
assassins  will  not  venture  to  deny,  that  before  the  com 
mencement  of  the  campaign  against  Scindiah,  the 
English  general  formed  a  camp  at  Kanouge  on  the 
Jumna,  where  he  exercised  that  brilliant  little  army 
which  was  speedily  to  perform  such  wonders  in  the 
Dooab.  It  will  be  as  well  to  give  a  slight  account  of 
the  causes  of  a  war  which  was  speedily  to  rage  through 
some  of  the  fairest  portions  of  the  Indian  continent. 

Shah  Allum,  the  son  of  Shah  Lollum,  the  descend 
ant  by  the  female  line  of  Nadir  Shah  (that  celebrated 
Toorkomaun  adventurer,  who  had  well-nigh  hurled 
Bajazet  and  Selim  the  Second  from  the  throne  of 
Bagdad) ;  Shah  Allum,  I  say,  although  nominally  the 
Emperor  of  Delhi,  was,  in  reality,  the  slave  of  the  various 
warlike  chieftains  who  lorded  it  by  turns  over  the  country 
and  the  sovereign,  until  conquered  and  slain  by  some 
more  successful  rebel.  Chowder  Loll  Masolgee,  Zub- 
berdust  Khan,  Dowsunt  Row  Scindiah,  and  tho  cele 
brated  Bobbachy  Jung  Bahawder,  had  held  for  a  time 
complete  mastery  in  Delhi.  The  second  of  these,  a 
ruthless  Afghaun  soldier,  had  abruptly  entered  the 
capital,  nor  was  he  ejected  from  it  until  he  had  seized 
upon  the  principal  jewels,  and  likewise  put  out  the  eyes 
of  the  last  of  the  unfortunate  family  of  Afrasiab. 
Scindiah  came  to  the  rescue  of  the  sightless  Shah 
Allum,  and  though  he  destroyed  his  oppressor,  only 
increased  his  slavery,  holding  him  in  as  painful  a  bondage 
as  he  had  suffered  under  the  tyrannous  Afghaun. 

As  long  as  these  heroes  were  battling  among  them 
selves,  or  as  long  rather  as  it  appeared  that  they  had 
any  strength  to  fight  a  battle,  the  British  government, 
9 


194  SOME    PAftSAGE-S    IN    THE 

ever  anxious  to  see  its  enemies  by  the  ears,  by  no 
means  interfered  in  the  contest.  But  the  French 
Revolution  broke  out,  and  a  host  of  starving  sans 
culottes  appeared  among  the  various  Indian  states, 
seeking  for  military  service,  and  inflaming  the  minds 
of  the  various  native  princes  against  the  British  East 
India  Company.  A  number  of  these  entered  into 
Scindiah's  ranks — one  of  them,  Perron,  was  commander 
of  his  army ;  and  though  that  chief  was  as  yet  quite 
engaged  in  his  hereditary  quarrel  with  Jeswunt  Row 
Holkar,  and  never  thought  of  an  invasion  of  the 
British  territory,  the  Company  all  of  a  sudden  discover 
ed  that  Shah  Allum,  his  sovereign,  was  shamefully  ill- 
used,  and  determined  to  re-establish  the  ancient  splen 
dour  of  his  throne. 

Of  course  it  was  sheer  benevolence  for  poor  Shah 
Allum  that  prompted  our  governors  to  take  these  kindly 
measures  in  his  favour.  I  don't  know  how  it  happened 
that,  at  the  end  of  the  war,  the  poor  Shah  was  not  a 
whit  better  off  than  at  the  beginning ;  and  that  though 
Holkar  was  beaten,  and  Scindiah  annihilated,  Shah 
Allum  was  much  such  a  puppet  as  before.  Somehow, 
in  the  hurry  and  confusion  of  this  struggle,  the  oyster 
remained  with  the  British  government,  who  had  so 
kindly  offered  to  dress  it  for  the  emperor,  while  his 
majesty  was  obliged  to  be  contented  with  the  shell. 

The  force  encamped  at  Kanouge  bore  the  title  of  the 
Grand  Army  of  the  Ganges  and  the  Jumna;  it  con 
sisted  of  eleven  regiments  of  cavalry  and  twelve  batta 
lions  of  infantry,  and  was  commanded  by  General  Lake 
in  person. 

Well,  on  the  1st  of  September  we  stormed  Perron's 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  195 

camp  at  Allygliur ;  on  the  4th  we  took  that  fortress  by 
assault ;  and  as  my  name  was  mentioned  in  general 
orders,  I  may  as  well  quote  the  commander-in-chief's 
words  regarding  me — they  will  spare  me  the  trouble  of 
composing  my  own  eulogium. 

"  The  commander-in-chief  is  proud  thus  publicly  to 
declare  his  high  sense  of  the  gallantry  of  Lieutenant  Ga- 

hagan,  of  the cavalry.    In  the  storming  of  the  fortress, 

although  unprovided  with  a  single  ladder,  and  accompa 
nied  but  by  a  few  brave  men,  Lieutenant  Gahagan  suc 
ceeded  in  escalading  the  inner  and  fourteenth  wall  of  the 
place.  Fourteen  ditches,  lined  with  sword  blades  and  poi 
soned  chevaux-de-frise,  fourteen  walls  bristling  with  innu 
merable  artillery,  and  as  smooth  as  looking-glasses,  were 
in  turns  triumphantly  passed  by  that  enterprising  officer, 
His  course  was  to  be  traced  by  the  heaps  of  slaughtered 
enemies  lying  thick  upon  the  platforms ;  and,  alas !  by 
the  corpses  of  most  of  the  gallant  men  who  followed 
him ! — when  at  length  he  effected  his  lodgment,  and 
the  dastardly  enemy,  who  dared  not  to  confront  him 
with  arms,  let  loose  upon  him  the  tigers  and  lions  of 
Scindiah's  menagerie : — this  meritorious  officer  de 
stroyed,  with  his  own  hand,  four  of  the  largest  and 
most  ferocious  animals,  and  the  rest,  awed  by  the  in 
domitable  majesty  of  BRITISH  VALOUR,  shrunk  back  to 
their  dens.  Thomas  Higgory,  a  private,  and  Runty 
Goss,  Havildar,  were  the  only  two  who  remained  out 
of  the  nine  hundred  who  followed  Lieutenant  Gahasran. 

O 

Honour  to  them  !  Honour  and  tears  for  the  brave  men 
who  perished  on  that  awful  day  !" 

#•..#*£;.,#  * 

I  have  copied  this,  word  for  word,  from  the  Bengal 


196  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

Hurkaru  of  September  24,  1803  ;  and  anybody  who 
has  the  slightest  doubt  as  to  the  statement,  may  refer 
to  the  paper  itself. 

And  here  I  must  pause  to  give  thanks  to  fortune, 
which  so  marvellously  preserved  me,  Sergeant-Major 
Higgory,  and  Runty  Goss.  Were  I  to  say  that  any 
valour  of  ours  had  carried  us  unhurt  through  this  tre 
mendous  combat,  the  reader  would  laugh  me  to  scorn. 
No  :  though  my  narrative  is  extraordinary,  it  is  never 
theless  authentic ;  and  never,  never  would  I  sacrifice 
truth  for  the  mere  sake  of  effect.  The  fact  is  this  : — the 
citadel  of  Allyghur  is  situated  upon  a  rock,  about  a 
thousand  feet  above  the  level  of  the  sea,  and  is  sur 
rounded  by  fourteen  walls,  as  his  excellency  was  good 
enough  to  remark  in  his  dispatch.  A  man  who  would 
mount  these  without  scaling-ladders,  is  an  ass ;  he  who 
would  say  he  mounted  them  without  such  assistance,  is 
a  liar  and  a  knave.  We  had  scaling-ladders  at  the 
commencement  of  the  assault,  although  it  was  quite 
impossible  to  carry  them  beyond  the  first  line  of  bat 
teries.  Mounted  on  them,  however,  as  our  troops 
were  falling  thick  about  me,  I  saw  that  we  must  igno- 
miniously  retreat,  unless  some  other  help  could  be  found 
for  our  brave  fellows  to  escalade  the  next  wall.  It  was 
about  seventy  feet  high — I  instantly  turned  the  guns  of 
wall  A.  on  wall  B.,  and  peppered  the  latter  so  as  to 
make  not  a  breach,  but  a  scaling-place,  the  men  mount 
ing  in  the  holes  made  by  the  shot.  By  this  simple 
stratagem,  I  managed  to  pass  each  successive  barrier 
— for  to  ascend  a  wall,  which  the  General  was  pleased 
to  call  "  as  smooth  as  glass,"  is  an  absurd  impossibility 
I  seek  to  achieve  none  such : — 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  197 

"I  dare  do  all  that  may  become  a  man, 
Who  dares  do  more,  is  neither  more  nor  less." 

Of  course,  Lad  the  enemy's  guns  been  commonly 
well  served,  not  one  of  us  would  ever  have  been  alive 
out  of  the  three ;  but  whether  it  was  owing  to  fright, 
or  to  the  excessive  smoke  caused  by  so  many  pieces  of  ar 
tillery,  arrive  we  did.  On  the  platforms,  too,  our  work 
was  not  quite  so  difficult  as  might  be  imagined— killing 
these  fellows  was  sheer  butchery.  As  soon  as  we 
appeared,  they  all  turned  and  fled,  helter-skelter,  and 
the  reader  may  judge  of  their  courage  by  the  fact  that 
out  of  about  seven  hundred  men  killed  by  us,  only  forty 
had  wounds  in  front,  the  rest  being  bayoneted  as  they 
ran. 

And  beyond  all  other  pieces  of  good  fortune  was  the 
very  letting  out  of  these  tigers,  which  was  the  dernier 
ressort  of  Bournonville,  the  second  commandant  of  the 
fort.  I  had  observed  this  man  (conspicuous  for  a  tri- 
coloured  scarf  which  he  wore,)  upon  every  one  of  the 
walls  as  we  stormed  them,  and  running  away  the  very  first 
among  the  fugitives.  He  had  all  the  keys  of  the  gates ; 
and  in  his  tremor,  as  he  opened  the  menagerie  portal, 
left  the  whole  bunch  in  the  door,  which  I  seized  when 
the  animals  were  overcome.  Runty  Goss  then  opened 
them  by  one,  our  troops  entered,  and  the  victorious 
standard  of  my  country  floated  on  the  walls  of  Ally- 
ghur ! 

When  the  general,  accompanied  by  his  staff,  entered 
the  last  line  of  fortifications,  the  brave  old  man  raised 
me  from  the  dead  rhinoceros  on  which  I  was  seated,  and 
pressed  me  to  his  breast.  But  the  excitement  which 
had  borne  me  through  the  fatigues  and  perils  of  thai 


198  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

fearful  day  failed  all  of  a  sudden,  and  I  wept  like  a  child 
upon  his  shoulder. 


Promotion,  in  our  army,  goes  unluckily  by  seniority  ; 
nor  is  it  in  the  power  of  the  general-in-chief  to  advance 
a  Ca?sar,  if  he  finds  him  in  the  capacity  of  a  subaltern  : 
my  reward  for  the  above  exploit  was,  therefore,  not  very 
rich.  His  excellency  had  a  favourite  horn  snuff-box  (for 
though  exalted  in  station  he  was  in  his  habits  most 
simple) :  of  this,  and  about  a  quarter  of  an  ounce  of 
high-dried  Welsh,  which  he  always  took,  he  made  me 
a  present,  saying,  in  front  of  the  line,  "Accept  this,  Mr. 
Gahagan,  as  a  token  of  respect  from  the  first,  to  the 
bravest  officer  in  the  army." 

Calculating  the  snuff  to  be  worth  a  halfpenny,  I 
should  say  that  four-pence  was  about  the  value  of  this 
gift ;  but  it  has  at  least  this  good  effect — it  serves  to 
convince  any  person  who  doubts  my  story,  that  the 
facts  of  it  are  really  true.  I  have  left  it  at  the  office  of 
my  publisher,  along  with  the  extract  from  the  Bengal 
Hurkaru,  and  any  body  may  examine  both  by  apply 
ing  in  the  counting-house  of  Mr.  Cunningham.*  That 
once  popular  expression,  or  proverb,  "  Are  you  up  to 
snuff  ?"  arose  out  of  the  above  circumstance  ;  for  the 
officers  of  my  corps,  none  of  whom,  except  myself,  had 
ventured  on  the  storming  party,  used  to  twit  me  about 
this  modest  reward  for  my  labours.  Never  mind ; 


*  The  major  certainly  offered  to  leave  an  old  snuff-box  at  Mr.  Cunning 
ham's  office  ;  but  it  contained  no  extract  from  a  newspaper,  and  does  not 
quite  prove  that  he  killed  a  rhinoceros,  and  stormed  fourteen  intreachments 
at  the  siege  of  Aliygliur. — il  A.  T 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  199 

when  they  want  me  to  storm  a  fort  again,  I  shall  know 
better. 

Well,  immediately  after  the  capture  of  this  important 
fortress,  Perron,  who  had  been  the  life  and  soul  of 
Scindiah's  army,  came  in  to  us,  with  his  family  and 
treasure,  and  was  passed  over  to  the  French  settlements 
at  Chandernagiir.  Bourquien  took  his  command,  and 
against  him  we  now  moved.  The  morning  of  the  llth 
of  September  found  us  upon  the  plains  of  Delhi. 

It  was  a  burning  hot  day,  and  we  were  all  refreshing 
ourselves  after  the  morning's  march,  when  I,  who  was 
on  the  advanced  piquet  along  with  O'Gawler  of  the 
king's  dragoons,  was  made  aware  of  the  enemy's 
neighbourhood  in  a  very  singular  manner.  O'Gawler 
and  I  were  seated  under  a  little  canopy  of  horse-cloths, 
which  we  had  formed  to  shelter  us  from  the  intolerable 
heat  of  the  sun,  and  were  discussing  with  great  delight 
a  few  Manilla  cheroots,  and  a  stone  jar  of  the  most 
exquisite,  cool,  weak,  refreshing  sangaree.  We  had 
been  playing  cards  the  night  before,  and  O'Gawler  had 
lost  to  me  seven  hundred  rupees.  I  emptied  the  last 
of  the  sangaree  into  the  two  pint  tumblers  out  of  which 
we  were  drinking,  and  holding  mine  up,  said,  "  Here's 
better  luck  to  you  next  time,  O'Gawler !" 

As  I  spoke  the  words — whish  ! — a  cannon-ball  cut 
the  tumbler  clean  out  of  my  hand,  and  plumped  into 
poor  O'Gawler's  stomach.  It  settled  him  completely, 
and  of  course  I  never  got  my  seven  hundred  rupees. 
Such  are  the  uncertainties  of  war  ! 

To  strap  on  my  sabre  and  my  accoutrements — to 
mount  my  Arab  charger — to  drink  off  what  O'Gawler 
had  left  of  the  sangaree — and  to  gallop  to  the  general, 


200  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 


was  a  work  of  a  moment.  I  found  him  as  comfortably 
at  tiffin,  as  if  he  were  at  his  own  house  in  London. 

"  General,"  said  I,  as  soon  as  I  got  into  his  paijamahs 
(or  tent),  "  you  must  leave  your  lunch  if  you  want  to 
fight  the  enemy." 

"  The  enemy — psha !  Mr.  Gahagan,  the  enemy  is  on 
the  other  side  of  the  river." 

"  I  can  only  tell  your  excellency,  that  the  enemy's 
guns  will  hardly  carry  five  miles  ;  and  that  Cornet 
O'Gawler  was  this  moment  shot  dead  at  my  side  with 
a  cannon  ball." 

"  Ha  !  is  it  so  ?"  said  his  excellency,  rising,  and  laying 
down  the  drum-stick  of  a  grilled  chicken.  "  Gentle 
men,  remember  that  the  eyes  of  Europe  are  upon  us, 
and  follow  me !" 

Each  aide-de-camp  started  from  table  and  seized  his 
cocked  hat ;  each  British  heart  beat  high  at  the 
thoughts  of  the  coming  melee.  We  mounted  our 
horses,  and  galloped  swiftly  after  the  brave  old  general ; 
I  not  the  last  in  the  train,  upon  my  famous  black 
charger. 

It  was  perfectly  true,  the  enemy  were  posted  in 
force  within  three  miles  of  our  camp,  and  from  a  hillock 
in  the  advance  to  which  we  galloped,  we  were  enabled 
with  our  telescopes  to  see  the  whole  of  his  imposing 
line.  Nothing  can  better  describe  it  than  this : — 


— A  is  the  enemy,  and  the  dots  represent  the  hundred 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  201 

and  twenty  pieces  of  artillery  which  defended  his  line. 
He  was,  moreover,  entrenched  ;  and  a  wide  morass  in 
his  front  gave  him  an  additional  security. 

His  excellency  for  a  moment  surveyed  the  line,  and 
then  said,  turning  round  to  one  of  his  aides-de-camp, 
"  Order  up  Major-General  Tinkler  and  the  cavalry." 

"  Here,  does  your  excellency  mean  ?"  said  the  aide- 
de-camp,  surprised,  for  the  enemy  had  perceived  us, 
and  the  cannon-balls  were  flying  about  as  thick  as  peas. 

" Here,  Sir"  said  the  old  general,  stamping  with  his 
foot  in  a  passion,  and  the  A.D.C.  shrugged  his  shoul 
ders  and  galloped  away.  In  five  minutes  we  heard  the 
trumpets  in  our  camp,  and  in  twenty  more  the  greater 
part  of  the  cavalry  had  joined  us. 

Up  they  came,  five  thousand  men,  their  standards 
flapping  in  the  air,  their  long  line  of  polished  jack-boots 
gleaming  in  the  golden  sun-light.  "  And  now  we  are 
here,"  said  Major-General  Sir  Theophilus  Tinkler,  "  what 

next?"  "0  d it,"  said  the  commander-in-chief, 

"  charge,  charge — nothing  like  charging — galloping — 
guns — rascally  black  scoundrels — charge,  charge  !"  and 
then,  turning  round  to  me,  (perhaps  he  was  glad  to 
change  the  conversation,)  he  said,  "  Lieutenant  Gahagan, 
you  will  stay  with  me." 

And  well  for  him  I  did,  for  I  do  not  hesitate  to 
say,  that  the  battle  was  gained  by  me.  I  do  not  mean 
to  insult  the  reader  by  pretending  that  any  personal 
exertions  of  mine  turned  the  day, — that  I  killed,  for 
instance,  a  regiment  of  cavalry,  or  swallowed  a  battery 
of  guns, — such  absurd  tales  would  disgrace  both  the 
hearer  and  the  teller.  I,  as  is  well  known,  never  say  a 
single  word  which  cannot  be  proved,  and  hate  more 
0* 


202  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

than  all  other  vices  the  absurd  sin  of  egotism  ;  I  simply 
mean  that  my  advice  to  the  general,  at  a  quarter  past 
two  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  ot'  that  day,  won  this  great 
triumph  for  the  British  army. 

Gleig,  Mill,  and  Thorn  have  all  told  the  tale  of  this 
war,  though  somehow  they  have  omitted  all  mention  of 
the  hero  of  it.  General  Lake,  for  the  victory  of  that 
day,  became  Lord  Lake,  of  Laswaree.  Laswaree !  and 
who  forsooth  was  the  real  conqueror  of  Laswaree  ?  I 
can  lay  my  hand  upon  my  heart,  and  say  that  /  was. 
If  any  proof  is  wanting  of  the  fact,  let  me  give  it  at 
once,  and  from  the  highest  military  testimony  in  the 
world,  I  mean  that  of  the  EMPEROR  NAPOLEON. 

In  the  month  of  March,  1817,  I  was  passenger  on 
board  the  Prince  Regent,  Captain  Harris,  which 
touched  at  St.  Helena  on  its  passage  from  Calcutta  to 
England.  In  company  with  the  other  officers  on  board 
the  ship,  I  paid  my  respects  to  the  illustrious  exile  of 
Longwood,  who  received  us  in  his  garden,  where  he 
was  walking  about  in  a  nankeen  dress  and  a  large 
broad-brimmed  straw-hat,  writh  General  Montholon, 
Count  Las  Cases,  and  his  son  Emanuel,  then  a  little 
boy,  who  I  dare  say  does  not  recollect  me,  but  who 
nevertheless  played  with  my  sword-knot  and  the  tassels 
of  my  Hessian  boots  during  the  whole  of  our  interview 
with  his  Imperial  Majesty. 

Our  names  were  read  out  (in  a  pretty  accent,  by 
the  way !)  by  General  Montholon,  and  the  Emperor,  as 
each  was  pronounced,  made  a  bow  to  the  owner  of  it, 
but  did  not  vouchsafe  a  word.  At  last  Montholon  came 
to  mine.  The  Emperor  looked  me  at  once  in  the  face, 
took  his  hands  out  of  his  pockets,  put  them  behind  his 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  203 

back,  and  coming  up  to  me  smiling,  pronounced  the 
following  words  : — 

"  Assye,  Delhi,  Deeg,  Futtyghur." 

I  blushed,  and  taking  off  my  hat  with  a  bow,  said — 
"  Sire,  Jest  moi" 

"  Parbleu  !  je  le  savais  bien"  said  the  Emperor,  hold 
ing  out  his  snuff-box.  "  En  usez  vous,  Major  ?"  I 
took  a  large  pinch  (which,  with  the  honour  of  speaking 
to  so  great  a  man,  brought  the  tears  into  my  eyes),  and 
he  continued  as  nearly  as  possible  in  the  following 
words : — 

"  Sir,  you  are  known  ;  you  come  of  an  heroic  nation. 
Your  third  brother,  the  Chef  de  Bataillon,  Count  God 
frey  Gahagan,  was  in  my  Irish  brigade." 

Galwyan. — "  Sire,  it  is  true.  He  and  my  country 
men  in  your  Majesty's  service  stood  under  the  green 
flag  in  the  breach  of  Burgos,  and  beat  Wellington  back. 
It  was  the  only  time,  as  your  Majesty  knows,  that  Irish 
men  and  Englishmen  were  beaten  in  that  war." 

Napoleon  (looking  as  if  he  would  say  "  D —  your 
candour,  Major  Gahagan.") — "  Well,  well ;  it  was  so. 
Your  brother  was  a  Count,  and  died  a  General  in  my 
service." 

Gahagan. — "  He  was  found  lying  upon  the  bodies 
of  nine-and-twenty  Cossacks  at  Borodino.  They  were 
all  dead,  and  bore  the  Gahagan  mark." 

Napoleon  (to  Montholori). — "  C'est  vrai,  Montholon, 
je  vous  donne  ma  parole  d'honneur  la  plus  sacree,  que 
c'est  vvai.  Us  ne  font  pas  d'autres,  ces  terribles  Ga'gans. 
You  must  know  that  Monsieur  gained  the  battle  of 
Delhi  as  certainly  as  I  did  that  of  Austerlitz.  In  this 
way : — Ce  belitre  de  Lor  Lake,  after  calling  up  his 


204  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

cavalry,  and  placing  them  in  front  of  Holkar's  batteries, 
qui  balayaient  la  plaine,  was  for  charging  the  enemy's 
batteries  with  his  horse,  who  would  have  been  ^erases, 
mitrailtts,  foudroyes  to  a  man,  but  for  the  cunning  of 
cc  grand  rouge  que  vous  voyez." 

Montholon. — "  Coquin  de  Major,  va  /" 

Napoleon. — "  Montholon !  tais-toi.  When  Lord  Lake, 
with  his  great  bull-headed  English  obstinacy,  saw  the 
facheuse  position  into  which  he  had  brought  his  troops, 
he  was  for  dying  on  the  spot,  and  would  infallibly  have 
done  so — and  the  loss  of  his  army  would  have  been  the 
ruin  of  the  East  India  Company — and  the  ruin  of  the 
English  East  India  Company  would  have  established  my 
empire  (bah  !  it  was  a  republic  then  !)  in  the  East ;  but 
that  the  man  before  us,  Lieutenant  Goliah  Gahagan,  was 
riding  at  the  side  of  General  Lake." 

Montholon  (with  an  accent  of  despair  and  fury). — 
"  Gredin  !  cent  mille  tonnerres  de  Dieu  /" 

Napoleon  (benignantlv). — "  Calme-toi,  monfidele  ami. 
What  will  you  ?  It  was  fate.  Gahagan,  at  the  critical 
period  of  the  battle,  or  rather  slaughter  (for  the  Eng 
lish  had  not  slain  a  man  of  the  enemy),  advised  a 
retreat." 

Montholon — "  Le  lache  !  Un  Frangais  meurt,  metis 
il  ne  recule  jamais" 

Napoleon. — "  Stupide !  Don't  you  see  why  the 
retreat  was  ordered  ? — don't  you  know  that  it  was  a 
feint  on  the  part  of  Gahagan  to  draw  Holkar  from  his 
impregnable  retrenchments  ?  Don't  you  know  that  the 
ignorant  Indian  fell  into  the  snare,  and  issuing  from 
behind  the  cover  of  his  guns,  came  down  with  his 
cavalry  on  the  plains  in  pursuit  of  Lake  and  his  dra- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  205 

goons  ?  Then  it  was  that  the  Englishmen  turned  upon 
him  ;  the  hardy  children  of  the  north  swept  down  his 
feeble  horsemen,  bore  them  back  to  their  guns,  which 
were  useless,  entered  Holkar's  entrenchments  along  with 
his  troops,  sabred  the  artillerymen  at  their  pieces,  and 
won  the  battle  of  Delhi !" 

As  the  Emperor  spoke,  his  pale  cheek  glowed  red, 
his  eye  flashed  fire,  his  deep  clear  voice  rung  as  of  old, 
when  he  pointed  out  the  enemy  from  beneath  the 
shadow  of  the  Pyramids,  or  rallied  his  regiments  to  the 
charge  upon  the  death-strewn  plain  of  Wagram.  I 
have  had  many  a  proud  moment  in  my  life,  but  never 
such  a  proud  one  as  this ;  and  I  would  readily  pardon 
the  word  "  coward,"  as  applied  to  me  by  Montholon,  in 
consideration  of  the  testimony  which  his  master  bore  in 
rny  favour. 

"  Major,"  said  the  Emperor  to  me  in  conclusion,  "why 
had  I  not  such  a  man  as  you  in  my  service  ?  I  would 
have  made  you  a  Prince  and  a  Marshal !"  and  here  he 
fell  into  a  reverie,  of  which  I  knew  and  respected  the 
purport.  He  was  thinking  doubtless,  that  I  might  have 
retrieved  his  fortunes,  and  indeed  I  have  very  little 
doubt  that  I  might. 

Very  soon  after,  coffee  was  brought  by  Monsieur 
Marchand,  Napoleon's  valet-de-chambre,  and  after  par 
taking  of  that  beverage  and  talking  upon  the  politics 
of  the  day,  the  Emperor  withdrew,  leaving  me  deeply 
impressed  by  the  condescension  he  had  shewn  in  this 
remarkable  interview. 


206  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 


CHAPTER  III. 

A   PEEP    INTO    SPAIN ACCOUNT    OF    THE    ORIGIN    AND 

SERVICES    OF    THE    AHMEDNUGGAR    IRREGULARS. 

Head  Quarters,  Morella,  Sept.  15,  1838. 
I  HAVE  been  here  for  some  months,  along  with  my 
young  friend  Cabrera;  and  in  the  hurry  and  bustle  of 
.war — daily  on  guard  and  in  the  batteries  for  sixteen 
hours  out  of  the  twenty-four,  with  fourteen  severe 
wounds,  and  seven  musket-balls  in  my  body — it  may 
be  imagined  that  I  have  had  little  time  to  think  about 
the  publication  of  rny  memoirs.  Inter  arma  silent  leges 
— in  the  midst  of  fighting  be  hanged  to  writing !  as 
the  poet  says ;  and  I  never  would  have  bothered  myself 
with  a  pen,  had  not  common  gratitude  incited  me  to 
throw  off  a  few  pages.  The  publisher  and  editor  of 
"The  New  Monthly  Magazine"  little  know  what  ser 
vice  has  been  done  to  rue  by  that  miscellany. 

Along  with  Oraa's  troops,  who  have  of  late  been 
beleaguering  this  place,  there  was  a  young  Milesian 
gentleman,  Mr.  Toone  O'Connor  Emmett  Fitzgerald 
Sheeny,  by  name,  a  law  student,  and  member  of  Gray's 
Inn,  and  what  he  called  Bay  Ah  of  Trinity  College, 
Dublin.  Mr.  Sheeny  was  with  the  Queen's  people  not 
in  a  military  capacity,  but  as  representative  of  an 
English  journal,  to  which,  for  a  trifling  weekly  remu 
neration,  he  was  in  the  habit  of  transmitting  accounts 
of  the  movements  of  the  belligerents,  and  his  own 
opinion  of  the  politics  of  Spain.  Receiving,  for  the 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  20*7 

discharge  of  this  duty,  a  couple  of  guineas  a-week  from 
the  proprietors  of  the  journal  in  question,  he  was  ena 
bled,  as  I  need  scarcely  say,  to  make  such  a  show  in 
Oraa's  camp  as  only  a  Christino  general  officer,  or  at 
the  very  least  a  colonel  of  a  regiment,  can  afford  to 
keep  up. 

In  the  famous  sortie  which  we  made  upon  the 
twenty-third,  I  was  of  course  among  the  foremost  in 
the  melee,  and  found  myself,  after  a  good  deal  of 
slaughtering  (which  it  would  be  as  disagreeable  as  use 
less  to  describe  here),  in  the  court  of  a  small  inn  or 
podesta,  which  had  been  made  the  headquarters  of 
several  queenite  officers  during  the  siege.  The  pesatero 
or  landlord  of  the  inn  had  been  despatched  by  my  brave 
chapel-churies,  with  his  fine  family  of  children — the 
officers  quartered  in  the  podesta  had  of  course  bolted  ; 
but  one  man  remained,  and  my  fellows  were  on  the 
point  of  cutting  him  into  ten  thousand  pieces  with  their 
borachios,  when  I  arrived  in  the  room  time  enough  to 
prevent  the  catastrophe.  Seeing  before  me  an  indi 
vidual  in  the  costume  of  a  civilian — a  white  hat,  a 
light-blue  satin  cravat,  embroidered  with  butterflies  and 
other  quadrupeds,  a  green  coat  and  brass  buttons,  and 
a  pair  of  blue  plaid  trousers,  I  recognised  at  once  a 
countryman,  and  interposed  to  save  his  life. 

In  an  agonized  brogue  the  unhappy  young  man  was 
saying  all  that  he  could  to  induce  the  chapel-churies  to 
give  up  their  intention  of  slaughtering  him ;  but  it  is 
very  little  likely  that  his  protestations  wouid  have  had 
any  effect  upon  them,  had  not  I  appeared  in  the  room, 
and  shouted  to  the  ruffians  to  hold  their  hand. 

Seeing  a  general   officer   before  them   (I  have  the 


208  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

honour  to  hold  that  rank  in  the  service  of  his  Catholic 
Majesty),  and  moreover  one  six  feet  four  in  height,  and 
armed  with  that  terrible  cabecilla  (a  sword,  so  called, 
because  it  is  five  feet  long)  which  is  so  well  known 
among  the  Spanish  armies — seeing,  I  say,  this  figure, 
the  fellows  retired,  exclaiming,  "  Adios,  corpo  di  bacco, 
nosotros,"  and  so  on,  clearly  proving  (by  their  words) 
that  they  would,  if  they  dared,  have  immolated  the 
victim  whom  I  had  thus  rescued  from  their  fury. 
"  Villains  !"  shouted  I,  hearing  them  grumble,  "  away  ! 
quit  the  apartment !"  Each  man,  sulkily  sheathing  his 
sombrero,  obeyed,  and  quitted  the  camarilla. 

It  was  then  that  Mr.  Sheeny  detailed  to  me  the  par 
ticulars  to  which  I  have  briefly  adverted ;  and,  inform 
ing  me  at  the  same  time  that  he  had  a  family  in  Eng 
land  who  would  feel  obliged  to  me  for  his  release,  and 
that  his  most  intimate  friend  the  English  ambassador 
would  move  heaven  and  earth  to  revenge  his  fall,  he 
directed  my  attention  to  a  portmanteau  passably  well 
filled,  which  he  hoped  would  satisfy  the  cupidity  of  my 
troops.  I  said,  though  with  much  regret,  that  I  must 
subject  his  person  to  a  search  ;  and  hence  arose  the  cir 
cumstance  which  has  called  for  what  I  fear  you  will 
consider  a  somewhat  tedious  explanation.  I  found  upon 
Mr.  Sheeny's  person  three  sovereigns  in  English  money 
(which  I  have  to  this  day),  and  singularly  enough  a 
copy  of  "  The  New  Monthly  Magazine "  for  March, 
which  contained  my  article.  It  was  a  toss-up  whether 
I  should  let  the  poor  young  man  be  shot  or  no,  but  this 
little  circumstance  saved  his  life.  The  gratified  vanity 
of  authorship  induced  me  to  accept  his  portmanteau 
and  valuables,  and  to  allow  the  poor  wretch  to  go  free. 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  209 

I  put  the  Magazine  in  my  coat-pocket,  and  left  him  and 
the  podesta. 

The  men,  to  my  surprise,  had  quitted  the  building, 
and  it  was  full  time  for  me  to  follow,  for  I  found  our 
sal  lying-party,  after  committing  dreadful  ravages  in 
Oraa's  lines,  were  in  full  retreat  upon  the  fort,  hotly 
pressed  by  a  superior  force  of  the  enemy.  I  am  pretty 
well  known  and  respected  by  the  men  of  both  parties 
in  Spain  (indeed  I  served  for  some  months  on  the 
Queen's  side  before  I  came  over  to  Don  Carlos)  ;  and, 
as  it  is  my  maxim  never  to  give  quarter,  I  never  expect 
to  receive  it  when  taken  myself.  On  issuing  from  the 
podesta,  with  Sheeny's  portmanteau  and  my  sword  in 
my  hand,  I  was  a  little  disgusted  and  annoyed  to  see 
our  own  men  in  a  pretty  good  column  retreating  at 
double-quick,  and  about  four  hundred  yards  beyond 
me  up  the  hill  leading  to  the  fort,  while  on  my  left 
hand,  and  at  only  a  hundred  yards,  a  troop  of  the 
queenite  lancers  were  clattering  along  the  road. 

I  had  got  into  the  very  middle  of  the  road  before  I 
made  this  discovery,  so  that  the  fellows  had  a  full  sight 
of  me,  and,  whizz  !  came  a  bullet  by  my  left  whisker  be 
fore  I  could  say  Jack  Robinson.  I  looked  round — there 
were  seventy  of  the  accursed  ma  Ivados  at  the  least,  and 
within,  as  I  said,  a  hundred  yards.  Were  I  to  say  that 
I  stopped  to  fight  seventy  men,  you  would  write  me 
down  a  fool  or  a  liar  :  no,  Sir,  I  did  not  fight,  I  ran 
away. 

I  am  six  feet  four — my  figure  is  as  well  known  in  the 
Spanish  army  as  that  of  the  Count, de  Luchana,  or  my 
fierce  little  friend  Cabrera  himself.  "  GAHAGAN  !" 
shouted  )ut  half-a-dozen  scoundrelly  voices,  and  fifty 


210  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

more  shots  came  rattling  after  me.  I  was  running, 
running  as  the  brave  stag  before  the  hounds — running 
as  I  have  done  a  great  number  of  times  before  in  my 
life,  when  there  was  no  help  for  it  but  a  race. 

After  I  had  run  about  five  hundred  yards,  I  saw  that 
1  had  gained  nearly  three  upon  our  column  in  front, 
and  that  likewise  the  Christino  horsemen  were  left  be 
hind  some  hundred  yards  more,  with  the  exception  of 
three,  who  were  fearfully  near  me.  The  first  was  an 
officer  without  a  lance ;  he  had  fired  both  his  pistols  at 
me,  and  was  twenty  yards  in  advance  of  his  comrades ; 
there  was  a  similar  distance  between  the  two  lancers  who 
rode  behind  him.  I  determined  then  to  wait  for  No.  1, 
and  as  he  came  up  delivered  cut  3  at  his  horse's  near 
leg — off  it  flew,  and  down,  as  I  expected,  went  horse 
and  man.  I  had  hardly  time  to  pass  my  sword  through 
my  prostrate  enemy,  when  No.  2  was  upon  me.  If  I 
could  but  get  that  fellow's  horse,  thought  I,  I  am  safe, 
and  I  executed  at  once  the  plan  which  I  hoped  was  to 
effect  my  rescue. 

I  had,  as  I  said,  left  the  podesta  with  Sheeny's  port 
manteau,  and,  unwilling  to  part  with  some  of  the  articles 
it  contained — some  shirts,  a  bottle  of  whiskey,  a  few 
cakes  of  Windsor  soap,  &c.,  &c., — I  had  carried  it  thus 
far  on  my  shoulders,  but  now  was  compelled  to  sacrifice 
it  malgre  moi.  As  the  lancer  came  up,  I  dropped  my 
sword  from  my  right  hand,  and  hurled  the  portman 
teau  at  his  head  with  aim  so  true,  that  he  fell  back  on 
his  saddle  like  a  sack,  and  thus  when  the  horse  gal- 
lopped  up  to  me,  I  had  no  difficulty  in  dismounting 
the  rider — the  whiskey  bottle  struck  him  over  his  right 
eye,  and  he  was  completely  stunned.  To  dash  him 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  211 


from  the  saddle  and  spring  myself  into  it,  was  the  work 
of  a  moment;  indeed,  the  two  combats  had  taken  place 
in  about  a  fifth  part  of  the  time  which  it  has  taken  the 
reader  to  peruse  the  description.  But  in  the  rapidity 
of  the  last  encounter,  and  the  mounting  of  my  enemy's 
horse,  I  had  committed  a  very  absurd  oversight — I  was 
scampering  away  without  my  sword  !  What  was  I  to 
do  ? — to  scamper  on,  to  be  sure,  and  trust  to  the  legs  of 
my  horse  for  safety  ! 

The  lancer  behind  me  gained  on  me  every  moment, 
and  I  could  hear  his  horrid  lau^h  as  he  neared  me.  I 

G 

leaned  forward  jockey-fashion  in  my  saddle,  and  kicked, 
and  urged,  and  flogged  with  my  hand,  but  all  in  vain. 
Closer — closer — the  point  of  his  lance  was  within  two 
feet  of  my  back.  Ah  !  ah  !  he  delivered  the  point,  and 
fancy  my  agony  when'  I  felt  it  enter through  ex 
actly  fifty-nine  pages  of  the  "  New  Monthly  Magazine." 
Had  it  not  been  for  "  The  New  Monthly  Magazine  and 
Humourist,"  I  should  have  been  impaled  without  a 
shadow  of  a  doubt.  Am  I  wrong  in  feeling  gratitude  ? 
Have  I  not  cause  to  continue  my  contributions  ? 

When  I  got  safe  into  Morella,  along  with  the  tail  of 
the  sallying  party,  I  was  for  the  first  time  made  ac 
quainted  with  the  ridiculous  result  of  the  lancer's  thrust 
(as  he  delivered  his  lance,  I  must  tell  you  that  a  ball 
came  whiz  over  my  head  from  our  fellows,  and,  entering 
at  his  nose,  put  a  stop  to  his  lancing  for  the  future).  I 
hastened  to  Cabrera's  quarter,  and  related  to  him  some 
of  my  adventures  during  the  day. 

"  But,  General,"  said  he,  "  you  are  standing.  I  beg 
you  '  chiudete  Vuscio'  (take  a  chair)." 

I  did  so,  and  then  for  the  first  time  was  aware  that 


212  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

there  was  some  foreign  substance  in  the  tail  of  my  coat, 
which  prevented  my  sitting  at  ease.  I  drew  out  the 
Magazine  which  I  had  seized,  and  there,  to  my  wonder, 
discovered  the  Christina  lance  twisted  up  like  a  fish 
hook,  or  a  pastoral  crook. 

"  Ha !  ha !  ha !"  said  Cabrera  (who  is  a  notorious 
wag). 

"  Valdepenas  madrilefios,"  growled  out  Tristany. 

"  By  my  cachuca  di  caballero"  (upon  my  honour  as 
a  gentleman),  shrieked  out  Ros  d'Eroles,  convulsed  with 
laughter,  "  I  will  send  it  to  the  Bishop  of  Leon  for  a 
crozier." 

"  Gahagan  has  consecrated  it,"  giggled  out  Ramon 
Cabrera ;  and  so  they  went  on  with  their  muchacas  for 
an  hour  or  more.  But,  when  they  heard  that  the 
means  of  my  salvation  from  the  lance  of  the  scoundrelly 
Christine  had  been  the  Magazine  containing  my  own 
history,  their  laugh  was  changed  into  wonder.  I  read 
them  (speaking  Spanish  more  fluently  than  English) 
every  word  of  my  story.  "  But  how  is  this  ?"  said 
Cabrera.  "  You  surely  have  other  adventures  to  re 
late  ?" 

"  Excellent  Sir,"  said  I,  "  I  have ;"  and  that  very 
evening,  as  we  sat  over  our  cups  of  tertullia  (sangaree), 
I  continued  my  narrative  in  nearly  the  following 
words  : — 

"  I  left  off  in  the  very  middle  of  the  battle  of  Delhi, 
which  ended,  as  everybody  knows,  in  the  complete 
triumph  of  the  British  arms.  But  who  gained  the 
battle  ?  Lord  Lake  is  called  Viscount  Lake  of  Delhi 
and  Laswaree,  while  Major  Gaha — nonsense,  never  mind 
him,  never  mind  the  charge  he  executed  when,  sabre  in 


LIFE    OF   MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  213 

hand,  he  leaped  the  six-foot  wall  in  the  mouth  of  the 
roaring  cannon,  over  the  heads  of  the  gleaming  pikes, 
when,  with  one  hand  seizing  the  sacred  peish-cush,  or 
fish — which  was  the  banner  always  borne  before  Scin- 
diah, — he,  with  his  good  sword,  cut  off  the  trunk  of 
the  famous  white  elephant,  which,  shrieking  with  agony, 
plunged  madly  into  the  Mahratta  ranks,  followed  by  his 
giant  brethren,  tossing,  like  chaff  before  the  wind,  the 
affrighted  kitmatgars.  He,  meanwhile,  now  plunging 
into  the  midst  of  a  battalion  of  consumahs,  now  cleav 
ing  to  the  chine  a  screaming  and  ferocious  bobbachee,* 
rushed  on,  like  the  simoom  across  the  red  Zaharan 
plain,  killing,  with  his  own  hand,  a  hundred  and  forty- 
thr — but  never  mind — '  alone  he  did  it ;'  sufficient  be 
it  for  him,  however,  that  the  victory  was  won ;  he  cares 
not  for  the  empty  honours  which  were  awarded  to  more 
fortunate  men  ! 

"  We  marched  after  the  battle  to  Delhi,  where  poor 
blind  old  Shah  Allum  received  us,  and  bestowed  all 
kinds  of  honours  and  titles  on  our  general.  As  each 
of  the  officers  passed  before  him,  the  shah  did  not  fail 
to  remark  my  person,j-  and  was  told  my  name. 

"  Lord  Lake  whispered  to  him  my  exploits,  and  the 
old  man  was  so  delighted  with  the  account  of  my  vic 
tory  over  the  elephant  (whose  trunk  I  use  to  this  day), 
that  he  said,  '  Let  him  be  called  GUJPUTI,'  or  the  lord 
of  elephants,  and  Gujputi  was  the  name  by  which  I 

*  The  double-jointed  camel  of  Bactria,  which  the  classic  reader  may  re 
collect  is  mentioned  by  Suidas  (in  his  Commentary  on  the  Flight  of  Darius), 
is  so  called  by  the  Mahrattas. 

t  There  is  some  trifling  inconsistency  on  the  Major's  part.  Shah  Allum 
was  notoriously  blind  :  how,  then,  could  he  have  seen  Gahagau  ?  The 
thing  is  manifestly  impossible. 


214  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

was  afterwards  familiarly  known  among  the  natives — 
the  men,  that  is.  The  women  had  a  softer  appellation 
for  me,  and  called  me  '  Mushook,'  or  charmer. 

"  Well,  I  shall  not  describe  Delhi,  which  is  doubtless 
well  known  to  the  reader  ;  nor  the  siege  of  Agra,  to 
which  place  we  went  from  Delhi ;  nor  the  terrible  day 
at  Laswaree,  which  went  nigh  to  finish  the  war.  Suffice 
it  to  say  that  we  were  victorious,  and  that  I  was 
wounded,  as  I  have  invariably  been  in  the  two  hundred 
and  four  occasions  when  I  have  found  myself  in  action. 
One  point,  however,  became  in  the  course  of  this  cam 
paign  quite  evident — that  something  must  be  done  for 
Gakayan.  The  country  cried  shame,  the  king's  troops 
grumbled,  the  sepoys  openly  murmured  that  their 
Gujputi  was  only  a  lieutenant,  when  he  had  performed 
such  signal  services.  What  was  to  be  done  ?  Lord 
Wellesley  was  in  an  evident  quandary.  '  Gahagan,' 
wrote  he,  '  to  be  a  subaltern  is  evidently  not  your  fate — 
you  were  born  for  command  ;  but  Lake  and  General 
Wellesley  are  good  officers,  they  cannot  be  turned  out — 
I  must  make  a  post  for  you.  What  say  you,  my  dear 
fellow,  to  a  corps  of  irregular  horse  /' 
:  "  It  was  thus  that  the  famous  corps  of  AHMEDNUG- 
GAR  IRREGULARS  had  its  origin ;  a  guerilla  force,  it  is 
true,  but  one  which  will  long  be  remembered  in  the 
annals  of  our  Indian  campaigns. 

******** 
"  As  the  commander  of  this  regiment,  I  was  allowed 
to  settle  the  uniform  of  the  corps,  as  well  as  to  select 
recruits.  These  were  not  wanting  as  soon  as  my  ap 
pointment  was  made  known,  but  came  flocking  to  my 
standard  a  great  deal  faster  than  to  the  regular  corps 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAIIAGAN.  215 

in  the  Company's  service.  I  had  European  officers,  of 
course,  to  command  them,  and  a  few  of  my  countrymen 
as  sergeants ;  the  rest  were  all  natives,  whom  1  chose 
of  the  strongest  and  bravest  men  in  India,  chiefly 
Pitans,  Afghans,  Hurrurnzadehs,  and  Calliawns,  for 
these  are  well  known  to  be  the  most  warlike  districts 
of  our  Indian  territory. 

"  When  on  parade  and  in  full  uniform  we  made  a 
singular  and  noble  appearance.  I  was  always  fond  of 
dress ;  and,  in  this  instance,  gave  a  carte-blanche  to  my 
taste,  and  invented  the  most  splendid  costume  tha^  ever 
perhaps  decorated  a  soldier.  I  am,  as  I  have  stated 
already,  six  feet  four  inches  in  height,  and  of  matchless 
symmetry  and  proportion.  My  hair  and  beard  are  of 
the  most  brilliant  auburn,  so  bright  as  scarcely  to  be 
distinguished  at  a  distance  from  scarlet.  My  eyes  are 
bright  blue,  overshadowed  by  bushy  eyebrows  of  the 
colour  of  my  hair,  and  a  terrific  gash  of  the  deepest 
purple,  which  goes  over  the  forehead,  the  eyelid,  and  the 
cheek,  and  finishes  at  the  ear,  gives  my  face  a  more 
strictly  military  appearance  than  can  be  conceived. 
When  I  have  been  drinking  (as  is  pretty  often  the  case) 
this  gash  becomes  ruby  bright,  and  as  I  have  another 
which  took  oft'  a  piece  of  my  under  lip,  and  shows  five 
of  my  front  teeth,  I  leave  you  to  imagine  that  '  seldom 
lighted  on  the  earth,'  (as  the  monster  Burke  remarked 
of  one  of  his  unhappy  victims,)  '  a  more  extraordinary 
vision.'  I  improved  these  natural  advantages ;  and, 
while  in  cantonment  during  the  hot  winds  at  Chitty- 
bobbary,  allowed  my  hair  to  grow  very  long,  as  did  my 
beard,  which  reached  to  my  waist.  It  took  me  two 
hours  daily  to  curl  my  hair  in  ten  thousand  little  cork 


216  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

screw  ringlets,  which  waved  over  my  shoulders,  and  to 
get  my  mustachios  well  round  to  the  corners  of  my 
eyelids.  I  dressed  in  loose  scarlet  trousers  and  red 
morocco  boots,  a  scarlet  jacket,  and  a  shawl  of  the  same 
colour  round  my  waist ;  a  scarlet  turban  three  feet  high, 
and  decorated  with  a  tuft  of  the  scarlet  feathers  of  the 
flamingo,  formed  my  headdress,  and  I  did  not  allow 
myself  a  single  ornament,  except  a  small  silver  skull  and 
cross-bones  in  front  of  my  turban.  Two  brace  of  pistols, 
a  Malay  creese,  and  a  tulwar,  sharp  on  both  sides,  and 
very  nearly  six  feet  in  length,  completed  this  elegant 
costume.  My  two  flags  were  each  surmounted  with  a 
real  skull  and  cross-bones,  and  ornamented  one  with  a 
black,  and  the  other  with  a  red  beard,  (of  enormous 
length,  taken  from  men  slain  in  battle  by  me.)  On  one 
flag  were  of  course  the  arms  of  John  Company  ;  on  the 
other,  an  image  of  myself  bestriding  a  prostrate  elephant, 
with  the  simple  word  '  GUJPUTI'  written  underneath  in 
the  Nagaree,  Persian,  and  Sanscrit  character.  I  rode 
my  black  horse,  and  looked,  by  the  immortal  gods,  like 
Mars !  To  me  might  be  applied  the  words  which  were 
written  concerning  handsome  General  Webb,  in  Marl- 
borough's  time : 

"  'To  noble  danger  he  conducts  the  way, 
His  great  example  all  his  troop  obey, 
Before  the  front  the  MAJOR  sternly  rides, 
"With  such  an  air  as  Mars  to  battle  strides. 
Propitious  heaven  must  sure  a  hero  save 
Like  Paris  handsome,  and  like  Hector  brave !' 

"  My  officers  (Captains  Biggs  and  Mackanulty,  Lieu 
tenants   Glogger,  Pappendick,   Stuffle,   &c.   &c.)    were 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  217 

dressed  exactly  in  the  same  way,  but  in  yellow,  and  the 
men  were  similarly  equipped,  but  in  black.  I  have  seen 
many  regiments  since,  and  many  ferocious-looking  men, 
but  the  Ahmednuggar  Irregulars  were  more  dreadful 
to  the  view  than  any  set  of  ruffians  on  which  I  ever  set 
eyes.  I  would  to  heaven  that  the  Czar  of  Muscovy  had 
passed  through  Caubul  and  Lahore,  and  that  I  with  my 
old  Ahmednuggars  stood  on  a  fair  field  to  meet  him! 
Bless  you,  bless  you,  my  swart  companions  in  victory ! 
through  the  mist  of  twenty  years  I  hear  the  booming  of 
your  war-cry,  and  mark  the  glitter  of  your  scime.tars  as 
ye  rage  in  the  thickest  of  the  battle  !* 

"  But  away  with  melancholy  reminiscences.  You 
may  fancy  what  a  figure  the  Irregulars  cut  on  a  field- 
day — a  line  of  five  hundred  black-faced,  black-dressed, 
black-horsed,  black-bearded  men — Biggs,  Glogger,  and 
the  other  officers  in  yellow,  galloping  about  the  field 
like  flashes  of  lightning  :  myself  enlightening  them,  red, 
solitary,  and  majestic,  like  yon  glorious  orb  in  heaven. 

"  There  are  very  few  men,  I  presume,  who  have  not 
heard  of  Holkar's  sudden  and  gallant  incursion  into  the 
Dooab,  in  the  year  1804,  when  we  thought  that  the 
victory  of  Laswaree  and  the  brilliant  success  at  Deeg 
had  completely  finished  him.  Taking  ten  thousand 
horse,  he  broke  up  his  camp  at  Palimbang  ;  and  the 
first  thing  General  Lake  heard  of  him  was,  that  he  was 
at  Putna,  then  at  Rumpooge,  then  at  Doncaradam — he 
was,  in  fact,  in  the  very  heart  of  our  territory. 

*  I  do  not  wish  to  brag  of  my  style  of  writing,  or  to  pretend  that  my  genius 
as  a  writer  has  not  been  equalled  in  former  times ;  but  if,  in  the  works  of 
Byron,  Scott,  Goethe,  or  Victor  Hugo,  the  reader  can  find  a  more  beautiful 
sentence  than  the  above,  I  will  be  obliged  to  him,  that  is  all — I  simply  say,  / 
will  be  obliged  to  him.—G.  O'G.  G.,  M.  H.  E.  I.  C.  S.,  C.  I.  H.  A. 

10 


218  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

"  The  unfortunate  part  of  the  affair  was  this  : — His 
excellency,  despising  the  Mahratta  chieftain,  had  allowed 
him  to  advance  about  two  thousand  miles  in  his  front, 
and  knew  not  in  the  slightest  degree  where  to  lay  hold 
on  him.  Was  he  at  Hazarubaug  ?  was  he  at  Bogly 
Gunge  ?  nobody  knew,  and  for  a  considerable  period  the 
movements  of  Lake's  cavalry  were  quite  ambiguous, 
uncertain,  promiscuous,  and  undetermined. 

"  Such  briefly  was  the  state  of  affairs  in  October,  1804. 
At  the  beginning  of  that  month  I  had  been  wounded 
(a  trifling  scratch  cutting  off  my  left  upper  eyelid,  a  bit 
of  my  cheek,  and  my  under-lip),  and  I  was  obliged  to 
leave  Biggs  in  command  of  my  Irregulars,  whilst  I 
retired  for  my  wounds  to  an  English  station  at  Furruck- 
abad,  alias  Futtyghur — it  is,  as  every  two-penny  post 
man  knows,  at  the  apex  of  the  Dooab.  We  have  there 
a  cantonment,  and  thither  I  went  for  the  mere  sake  of 
the  surgeon  and  the  sticking-plaster. 

"  Fumickabacl,  then,  is  divided  into  two  districts  or 
towns ;  the  lower  Cotwal,  inhabited  by  the  natives,  and 
the  upper  (which  is  fortified  slightly,  and  has  all  along 
been  called  Futtyghur,  meaning  in  Hindostanee,  '  the- 
favourite-resort-of  -  the  -white  -  faced-Feringhees-near-the- 
mangoe-tope-consecrated-to-Ram')  occupied  by  Europe 
ans.  (It  is  astonishing,  by  the  way,  how  comprehensive 
that  language  is,  and  how  much  can  be  conveyed  in 
one  or  two  of  the  commonest  phrases.) 

"  Biggs,  then,  and  my  men  were  playing  all  sorts  of 
wondrous  pranks  with  Lord  Lake's  army,  whilst  I  was 
detained  an  unwilling  prisoner  of  health  at  Futtyghur. 

"  An  unwilling  prisoner,  however,  I  should  not  say. 
The  cantonment  at  Futtyghur  contained  that  which 


LIFE    OF   MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  219 

would  have  made  any  man  a  happy  slave.  Woman, 
lovely  woman,  was  there  in  abundance  and  variety  ! 
The  fact  is,  that,  when  the  campaign  commenced  in 
1803,  the  ladies  of  the  army  all  congregated  to  this 
place,  where  they  were  left,  as  it  was  supposed,  in  safety, 
I  might,  like  Homer,  relate  the  names  and  qualities  of 
all.  I  may  at  least  mention  some  whose  memory  is  still 
most  dear  to  me.  There  was — 

"  Mrs.  Major  General  Bulcher,  wife  of  Bulcher  of  the 
infantry. 

"  Miss  Bulcher. 

"  Miss  BELINDA  BULCHER  (whose   name  I  beg  the 
printer  to  place  in  large  capitals). 
"  Mrs.  Colonel  Vandegobbleschroy. 
"  Mrs.  Major  Macan  and  the  four  Misses  Macan. 
"The  Honourable    Mrs.   Burgoo,  Mrs.  Flix,  Hicks, 
Wicks,  and  many  more  too  numerous  to  mention.    The 
flower  of  our  camp  was,  however,  collected  there,  and 
the  last  words  of  Lord  Lake  to  me,  as  I  left  him,  were 
*  Gahagan,  I   commit   those  women    to   your   charge. 
Guard  them  with  your  life,  watch  over  them  with  your 
honour,  defend  them  with  the  matchless  power  of  your 
indomitable  arm.' 

"  Futtyghur  is,  as  I  have  said,  an  European  station, 
and  the  pretty  air  of  the  bungalows,  amid  the  clustering 
topes  of  mangoe-trees,  has  often  ere  this  excited  the 
admiration  of  the  tourist  and  sketcher.  On  the  brow 
of  a  hill,  the  Burrumpooter  river  rolls  majestically  at 
its  base,  and  no  spot,  in  a  word,  can  be  conceived  more 
exquisitely  arranged,  both  by  art  and  nature,  as  a 
favourite  residence  of  the  British  fair.  Mrs.  Bulcher, 
Mrs.  Vandegobbleschroy,  and  the  other  married  ladies 


220  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

above-mentioned,  had  each,  of  them  delightful  bunga 
lows  and  gardens  in  the  place,  and  between  one  cottage 
and  another  my  time  passed  as  delightfully  as  can  the 
hours  of  any  man  who  is  away  from  his  darling  occu 
pation  of  war. 

"  I  was  the  commandant  of  the  fort.  It  is  a  little 
insignificant  pettah,  defended  simply  by  a  couple  of 
gabions,  a  very  ordinary  counterscarp,  and  a  bomb 
proof  embrasure  ;  on  the  top  of  this  my  flag  was  plant 
ed,  and  the  small  garrison  of  forty  men  only  were  com 
fortably  barracked  off  in  the  casemates  within.  A  sur 
geon  and  two  chaplains  (there  were  besides  three 
reverend  gentlemen,  of  amateur  missions,  who  lived  in 
the  town)  completed,  as  I  may  say,  the  garrison  of  our 
little  fortalice,  which  I  was  left  to  defend  and  to  com 
mand. 

"  On  the  night  of  the  1st  of  November,  in  the  year 
1804,  I  had  invited  Mrs.  Major-General  Bulcher  and 
her  daughters,  Mrs.  Vandegobbleschroy,  and,  indeed, 
all  the  ladies  in  the  cantonment,  to  a  little  festival  in 
honour  of  the  recovery  of  my  health,  of  the  commence 
ment  of  the  shooting-season,  and  indeed  as  a  farewell 
visit,  for  it  was  my  intention  to  take  dawk  the  very  next 
morning  and  return  to  my  regiment.  The  three  ama 
teur  missionaries  whom  I  have  mentioned,  and  some 
ladies  in  the  cantonment  of  very  rigid  religious  prin 
ciples,  refused  to  appear  at  my  little  party.  They  had 
better  never  have  been  born  than  have  done  as  they 
did,  as  you  shall  hear. 

"  We  had  been  dancing  merrily  all  night,  and  the 
supper  (chiefly  of  the  delicate  condor,  the  luscious  adju 
tant,  and  other  birds  of  a  similar  kind,  which  I  had 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    OAHAGAN.  221 

shot  in  the  course  of  the  day)  had  been  duly  feted  by 
every  lady  and  gentleman  present ;  when  I  took  an 
opportunity  to  retire  on  the  ramparts,  with  the  interest 
ing  and  lovely  Belinda  Bulcher.  I  was  occupied,  as 
the  French  say,  in  conter-mg  fleurettes  to  this -sweet 
young  creature,  when,  all  of  a  sudden,  a  rocket  was 
seen  whizzing  through  the  air,  and  a  strong  light  was 
visible  in  the  valley  below  the  little  fort. 

"  '  What,  fire-works  !  Captain  Gahagan,'  said  Belinda, 
*  this  is  too  gallant.' 

" 4  Indeed,  my  dear  Miss  Bulcher,'  said  I,  *  they  are 
fire-works  of  which  I  have  no  idea  :  perhaps  our  friends 
the  missionaries ' 

"  '  Look,  look  !'  said  Belinda,  trembling,  and  clutch 
ing  tightly  hold  of  my  arm  ;  '  what  do  I  see  ?  yes — no 
— yes  !  it  is — our  bungalow  is  in  flames  /' 

"It  was  true  the  spacious  bungalow  occupied  by 
Mrs.  Major-General  was  at  that  moment  seen  a  prey  to 
the  devouring  element — another  and  another  succeeded 
it — seven  bungalows,  before  I  could  almost  ejaculate 
the  name  of  Jack  Robinson,  were  seen  blazing  brightly 
in  the  black  midnight  air  ! 

"  I  seized  my  night-glass,  and  looking  towards  the 
spot  where  the  conflagration  raged,  what  was  my 
astonishment  to  see  thousands  of  black  forms  dancing 
round  the  fires ;  whilst  by  their  lights  I  could  observe 
columns  after  columns  of  Indian  horse,  arriving  and 
taking  up  their  ground  in  the  very  middle  of  the  open 
square  or  tank,  round  which  the  bungalows  were  built ! 

"  '  Ho,  warder  !'  shouted  I  (while  the  frightened  and 
trembling  Belinda  clung  closer  to  my  side,  and  pressed 
the  stalwart  arm  that  encircled  her  waist),  '  down  with 


222  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

the  drawbridge !  see  that  your  masolgees  (small  tum 
brils  which  are  used  in  place  of  large  artillery)  be  well 
loaded  ;  you  sepoys,  hasten  and  man  the  ravelin  !  you 
choprasees,  put  out  the  lights  in  the  embrasures  !  we 
shall  have  warm  work  of  it  to-night,  or  my  name  is  not 
Goliah  Gahagan.' 

"  The  ladies,  the  guests  (to  the  number  of  eighty- 
three),  the  sepoys,  choprasees,  masolgees,  and  so  on, 
had  all  crowded  on  the  platform  at  the  sound  of  my 
shouting,  and  dreadful  was  the  consternation,  shrill  the 
screaming,  occasioned  by  my  words.  The  men  stood 
irresolute  and  mute  with  terror ;  the  women  trembling, 
knew  scarcely  whither  to  fly  for  refuge.  '  Who  are 
yonder  ruffians  ?'  said  I ;  a  hundred  voices  yelped  in 
reply — some  said  the  Pindarees,  some  said  the  Maha- 
fattas,  some  vowed  it  was  Scindiah,  and  others  declared 
it  was  Holkar — no  one  knew. 

"  *  Is  there  any  one  here,'  said  I,  '  who  will  venture 
to  reconnoitre  yonder  troops  ?'  There  was  a  dead 
pause. 

" '  A  thousand  tomauns  to  the  man  who  will  bring 
me  news  of  yonder  army  !'  again  I  repeated.  Still  a 
dead  silence.  The  fact  was  that"  Scindiah  and  Holkar 
both  were  so  notorious  for  their  cruelty,  that  no  one 
dared  venture  to  face  the  danger.  '  Oh  for  fifty  of  my 
brave  Ahmednuggarees  !;  thought  I. 

"  '  Gentlemen,'  said  I,  '  I  see  it — you  are  cowards — 
none  of  you  dare  encounter  the  chance  even  of  death. 
It  is  an  encouraging  prospect — know  you  not  that  the 
ruffian  Holkar,  if  it  be  he,  will  with  the  morrow's  dawn 
beleaguer  our  little  fort,  and  throw  thousands  of  men 
against  our  walls  ?  know  you  not  that,  if  we  are  taken, 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  223 

there  is  no  quarter,  no  hope  ;  death  for  us — and  worse 
than  death  for  these  lovely  ones  assembled  here  ?' 
Hei-e  the  ladies  shrieked  and  raised  a  howl  as  I  have 
heard  the  jackalls  on  a  summer's  evening.  Belinda, 
my  dear  Belinda !  flung  both  her  arms  round  me,  and 
sobbed  on  my  shoulder,  (or  in  my  waistcoat-pocket 
rather,  for  the  little  witch  could  reach  no  higher.) 

"  '  Captain  Gahagan,'  sobbed  she,  '  Go — Go — 
Goggle — iak  /' 

"  '  My  soul's  adored  !'  replied  I. 

"  '  Swear  to  me  one  thing.' 

" '  I  swear.' 

"  *  That  if — that  if — the  nasty,  horrid,  odious  black 
Mah-ra-a-a-attahs  take  the  fort,  you  will  put  me  out  of 
their  power.' 

"  I  clasped  the  dear  girl  to  my  heart,  and  swore 
upon  my  sword  that,  rather  than  she  should  incur  the 
risk  of  dishonour,  she  should  perish  by  my  own  hand. 
This  comforted  her  ;  and  her  mother,  Mrs.  Major-Gene 
ral  Bulcher,  and  her  elder  sister,  who  had  not  until  now 
known  a  word  of  our  attachment  (indeed,  but  for  these 
extraordinary  circumstances,  it  is  probable  that  we  our 
selves  should  never  have  discovered  it),  were  under 
these  painful  circumstances  made  aware  of  my  beloved 
Belinda's  partiality  for  me.  Having  communicated  thus 
her  wish  of  self-destruction,  I  thought  her  example  a 
touching  and  excellent  one,  and  proposed  to  all  the 
ladies  that  they  should  follow  it,  and  that  at  the  entry 
of  the  enemy  into  the  fort,  and  at  a  signal  given  by  me, 
they  should  one  and  all  make  away  with  themselves. 
Fancy  my  disgust  when,  after  making  this  proposition, 
not  one  of  the  ladies  chose  to  accede  to  it,  and  received 


224  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

it  with  the  same  chilling  denial  that  my  former  proposal 
to  the  garrison  had  met  with. 

"In  the  midst  of  this  hurry  and  confusion,  as  if  pur 
posely  to  add  to  it,  a  trumpet  was  heard  at  the  gate  of 
the  fort,  and  one  of  the  sentinels  came  running  to  me, 
saying  that  a  Mahratta  soldier  was  before  the  gate  with 
a  flag  of  truce  ! 

"  I  went  down,  rightly  conjecturing,  as  it  turned  out, 
that  the  party,  whoever  they  might  be,  had  no  artillery  ; 
and  received  at  the  point  of  my  sword  a  scroll,  of  which 
the  following  is  a  translation  : — 

"'TO    GOLIAH    GAHAGAN    GUJPUTI. 

" '  Lord  of  Elephants,  Sir, — I  have  the  honour  to 
inform  you  that  I  arrived  before  this  place  at  eight 
o'clock  P.M.  with  ten  thousand  cavalry  under  my  orders. 
I  have  burned  since  my  arrival,  seventeen  bungalows  in 
Furruckabad  and  Futtyghur,  and  have  likewise  been 
under  the  painful  necessity  of  putting  to  death  three 
clergymen  (mollahs),  and  seven  English  officers  whom 
I  found  in  the  village ;  the  women  have  been  trans 
ferred  to  safe  keeping  in  the  harems  of  my  officers  and 
myself. 

" '  As  I  know  your  courage  and  talents,  I  shall  be 
very  happy  if  you  will  surrender  the  fortress,  and  take 
service  as  a  major-general  (hookabadar)  in  my  army. 
Should  my  proposal  not  meet  with  your  assent,  I  beg 
leave  to  state  that  to-morrow  I  shall  storm  the  fort, 
and  on  taking  it,  shall  put  to  death  every  male  in  the 
garrison,  and  every  female  above  twenty  years  of  age. 
For  yourself  I  shall  reserve  a  punishment,  which  for 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  225 

novelty  and  exquisite  torture,  has,  I  flatter  myself, 
hardly  ever  been  exceeded.  Awaiting  the  favour  of  a 
reply,  I  am,  Sir, 

"  '  Your  very  obedient  servant, 

"  '  JASWUNT  Row  HOLKAR. 
"  '  Camp  before  Futtyghur,  Sept.  1,  1804. 
"•R.  S.  V.  ?'" 

''•  The  officer  who  had  brought  this  precious  epistle 
(it  is  astonishing  how  Holkar  had  aped  the  forms  of 
English  correspondence),  an  enormous  Pitan  soldier, 
with  a  shirt  of  mail,  and  a  steel  cap  and  cape  round 
which  his  turban  wound,  was  leaning  against  the  gate 
on  his  matchlock,  and  whistling  a  national  melody.  I 
read  the  letter,  and  saw  at  once  there  was  no  time  to 
be  lost.  That  man,  thought  I,  must  never  go  back  to 
Holkar.  Were  he  to  attack  us  now  before  we  were 
prepared,  the  fort  would  be  his  in  half  an  hour. 

"  Tying  my  white  pocket-handkerchief  to  a  stick,  I 
flung  open  the  gate  and  advanced  to  the  officer ;  he  was 
standing,  I  said,  on  the  little  bridge  across  the  moat.  I 
made  him  a  low  salaam,  after  the  fashion  of  the  coun 
try,  and,  as  he  bent  forward  to  return  the  compliment, 
I  am  sorry  to  say,  I  plunged  forward,  gave  him  a  violent 
blow  on  the  head  which  deprived  him  of  all  sensation, 
and  then  dragged  him  within  the  wall,  raising  the  draw 
bridge  after  me. 

"  I  bore  the  body  into  my  own  apartment ;  there, 
swift  as  thought,  I  stripped  him  of  his  turban,  cammer- 
bund,  peijammahs,  and  papooshes,  and,  putting  them 
on  myself,  determined  to  go  forth  and  reconnoitre  the 

enemy." 

*  *  *  *  * 

10* 


226  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

Here  I  was  obliged  to  stop,  for  Cabrera,  Ros  d'Eroles, 
and  the  rest  of  the  staff,  were  sound  asleep !  What  I 
did  in  my  reconnaissance,  and  how  I  defended  the  fort 
of  Futtyghur,  I  shall  have  the  honour  of  telling  on  ano 
ther  occasion. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE    INDIAN    CAMP THE     SORTIE     FROM    THE    FORT. 

Head  Quarters,  Nor  ell  a,  October  3,  1838. 
IT  is  a  balmy  night.  I  hear  the  merry  jingle  of  the 
tambourine,  and  the  cheery  voices  of  the  girls  and  pea 
sants,  as  they  dance  beneath  my  casement,  under  the 
shadow  of  the  clustering  vines.  The  laugh  and  song 
pass  gaily  round,  and  even  at  this  distance  I  can  distin 
guish  the  elegant  form  of  Ramon  Cabrera,  as  he  whis 
pers  gay  nothings  in  the  ears  of  the  Andalusian  girls,  or 
joins  in  the  thrilling  chorus  of  Riego's  hymn,  which  is 
ever  and  anon  vociferated  by  the  enthusiastic  soldiery 
of  Carlos  Quinto.  I  am  alone,  in  the  most  inaccessible 
and  most  bomb-proof  tower  of  our  little  fortalice ;  the 
large  casements  are  open — the  wind,  as  it  enters,  whis 
pers  in  my  ear  its  odorous  recollections  of  the  orange 
grove  and  the  myrtle  bower.  My  torch  (a  branch  of 
the  fragrant  cedar  tree)  flares  and  flickers  in  the  mid- 
.  night  breeze,  and  disperses  its  scent  and  burning  splin 
ters  on  my  scroll  and  the  desk  where  I  write — meet  im 
plements  for  a  soldier's  authorship  ! — it  is  cartridge 
paper  over  which  my  pen  runs  so  glibly,  and  a  yawning 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  227 

barrel  of  gunpowder  forms  my  rough  writing-table. 
Around  me,  below  me,  above  me,  all — all  is  peace !  I 
think,  as  I  sit  here  so  lonely,  on  my  country,  England ! 
and  muse  over  the  sweet  and  bitter  recollections  of  my 
early  days  !  Let  me  resume  my  narrative,  at  the  point 
where  (interrupted  by  the  authoritative  summons  of 
war)  I  paused  on  the  last  occasion. 

I  left  off,  I  think  (for  I  am  a  thousand  miles  away 
from  proof-sheets  as  I  write — and,  were  I  not  writing 
the  simple  TRUTH,  must  contradict  myself  a  thousand 
times  in  the  course  of  my  tale,)  I  think,  I  say,  that  I  left 
oft'  at  that  period  of  my  story,  when,  Holkar  being 
before  Futtyghur,  and  I  in  command  of  that  fortress,  I 
had  just  been  compelled  to  make  away  with  his  mes 
senger  ;  and,  dressed  in  the  fallen  Indian's  accoutre 
ments,  went  forth  to  reconnoitre  the  force,  and,  if  possi 
ble,  to  learn  the  intentions  of  the  enemy.  However 
much  my  figure  might  have  resembled  that  of  the 
Pitan,  and,  disguised  in  his  armour,  might  have  de 
ceived  the  lynx-eyed  Mahrattas,  into  whose  camp  I  was 
about  to  plunge,  it  was  evident  that  a  single  glance  at 
my  fair  face  and  auburn  beard  would  have  undeceived 
the  dullest  blockhead  in  Holkar's  army.  Seizing,  then, 
a  bottle  of  Burgess's  walnut  catsup,  I  dyed  my  face  and 
my  hands,  and,  with  the  simple  aid  of  a  flask  of  War 
ren's  jet,  I  made  my  hair  and  beard  as  black  as  ebony. 
The  Indian's  helmet  and  chain  hood  covered  likewise  a 
great  part  of  my  face,  and  I  hoped  thus,  with  luck, 
impudence,  and  a  complete  command  of  all  the  Eastern 
dialects  and  languages,  from  Burmah  to  Afghanistan,  to 
pass  scot-free  through  this  somewhat  dangerous  ordeal. 

I  had  not  the  word  of  the  night  it  is  true — but  I 


228  SOME    PASSAGES    IX    THE 

trusted  to  good  fortune  for  that,  and  passed  boldly  out 
of  the  fortress,  bearing  the  flag  of  truce  as  before  ;  I  had 
scarcely  passed  on  a  couple  of  hundred  yards,  when,  lo  ! 
a  party  of  Indian  horsemen,  armed  like  him  I  had  just 
overcome,  trotted  towards  me.  One  Avas  leading  a 
noble  white  charger,  and  no  sooner  did  he  see  me  than, 
dismounting  from  his  own  horse,  and  giving  the  rein  to 
a  companion,  he  advanced  to  meet  me  with  the  charger; 
a  second  fellow  likewise  dismounted  and  followed  the 
first ;  one  held  the  bridle  of  the  horse,  while  the  other 
(with  a  multitude  of  salaams,  aleikums,  and  other  genu 
flexions,)  held  the  jewelled  stirrup,  and  kneeling,  waited 
until  I  should  mount. 

I  took  the  hint  at  once :  the  Indian  who  had  come 
up  to  the  fort  was  a  great  man — that  was  evident ;  I 
walked  on  with  a  majestic  air,  gathered  up  the  velvet 
reins,  and  sprung  into  the  magnificent  high-peaked 
saddle.  "  Buk,  buk,"  said  I,  "  It  is  good — in  the  name 
of  the  forty -nine  Imaums,  let  us  ride  on  ;"  and  the  whole 
party  set  off  at  a  brisk  trot,  I  keeping  silence,  and  think 
ing  with  no  little  trepidation  of  what  I  was  about  to 
encounter. 

As  we  rode  along,  I  heard  two  of  the  men  comment 
ing  upon  my  unusual  silence  (for  I  suppose,  I — that  is, 
the  Indian — was  a  talkative  officer.)  "  The  lips  of  the 
Bahawder  are  closed,"  said  one — "where  are  those  birds 
of  Paradise,  his  long-tailed  words  ?  they  are  imprisoned 
between  the  golden  bare  of  his  teeth  !" 

"  Kush,"  said  his  companion,  "  be  quiet !  Bobbachy 
Bahawder  has  seen  the  dreadful  Feringhee,  Gahagan 
Khan  Gujputi,  the  elephant-lord,  whose  sword  reaps  the 
harvest  of  death  ;  there  is  but  one  champion  who  can 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  229 

wear  the  papooshes  of  the  elephant-slayer — it  is  Bob- 
bachy  Bahawder  !" 

"  You  speak  truly,  Puneeree  Muckun,  the  Bahawder 
ruminates  on  the  words  of  the  unbeliever;  he  is  an 
ostrich,  and  hatches  the  eggs  of  his  thoughts." 

"  Bekhusm  !  on  my  nose  be  it !  May  the  young 
birds,  his  actions,  be  strong,  and  swift  in  flight." 

"  May  they  digest  iron  /"  said  Puneeree  Muckun, 
who  was  evidently  a  wag  in  his  way. 

O,  ho  !  thought  I,  as  suddenly  the  light  flashed  upon 
me.  It  was,  then,  the  famous  Bobbachy  Bahawder, 
whom  I  overcame  just  now !  and  he  is  the  man  des 
tined  to  stand  in  my  slippers,  is  he  ?  and  I  was  at  that 
very  moment  standing  in  his  own !  Such  are  the 
chances  and  changes  that  fall  to  the  lot  of  the  soldier ! 

I  suppose  everybody — everybody  who  has  been  in 
India,  at  least, — has  heard  the  name  of  Bobbachy 
Bahawder ;  it  is  derived  from  the  two  Hindoostanee 
words — bobbachy,  general ;  bahawder,  artilleryman. 
He  had  entered  into  Holkar's  service  in  the  latter  capa 
city,  and  had,  by  his  merit  and  his  undaunted  bravery 
in  action,  attained  the  dignity  of  the  peacock's  feather, 
which  is  only  granted  to  noblemen  of  the  first  class  ;  he 
was  married,  moreover,  to  one  of  Holkar's  innumerable 
daughters ;  a  match  which,  according  to  the  Chronique 
Scandaleuse,  brought  more  of  honour  than  of  pleasure 
to  the  poor  Bobbachy.  Gallant  as  he  was  in  the  field, 
it  was  said  that  in  the  harem  he  was  the  veriest  craven 
alive— completely  subjugated  by  his  ugly  and  odious 
wife.  In  all  matters  of  importance  the  late  Bahawder 
had  been  consulted  by  his  prince,  who  had,  as  it  appears 
(knowing  my  character,  and  not  caring  to  do  anything 


230  SOME    PASSAGES    IN'    THE 

rash  in  his  attack  upon  so  formidable  an  enemy),  sent 
forward  the  unfortunate  Pitan  to  reconnoitre  the  fort ; 
he  was  to  have  done  yet  more,  as  I  learned  from  the 
attendant  Puneeree  Muckun,  who  was,  I  soon  found 
out,  an  old  favourite  with  the  Bobbachy — doubtless  on 
account  of  his  honesty  and  love  of  repartee. 

"The  Bahawder's  lips  are  closed,"  said  he,  at  last, 
trotting  up  to  me ;  "  has  he  not  a  word  for  old  Punee 
ree  Muckun  ?" 

"  Bismillah,  mashallah,  barildllah,"  said  I ;  which 
means,  "  my  good  friend,  what  I  have  seen  is  not  worth 
Ihe  trouble  of  relation,  and  fills  my  bosom  with  the 
darkest  forebodings." 

"  You  could  not  then  see  the  Gujputi  alone,  and 
stab  him  with  your  dagger  ?" 

[Here  was  a  pretty  conspiracy  !]  "  No,  I  saw  him, 
but  not  alone ;  his  people  were  always  with  him." 

"  Hurrumzadeh !  it  is  a  pity ;  we  waited  but  the 
sound  of  your  jogree  (whistle),  and  straightway  would 
have  galloped  up,  and  seized  upon  every  man,  woman, 
*and  child  in  the  fort :  however,  there  are  but  a  dozen 
men  in  the  garrison,  and  they  have  not  provision  for 
two  days — they  must  yield ;  and  then,  hurrah  for  the 
moon-faces !  Mashallah  !  I  am  told  the  soldiers  who 
first  get  in  are  to  have  their  pick.  How  my  old 
woman,  Rotee  Muckun,  will  be  surprised,  when  I  bring 
home  a  couple  of  Feringhee  wives, — ha  !  ha  !" 

"  Fool !"  said  I,  "  be  still ! — twelve  men  in  the  garri 
son  !  there  are  twelve  hundred !  Gahagan  himself  is 
as  good  as  a  thousand  men ;  and  as  for  food,  I  saw, 
with  my  own  eyes,  five  hundred  bullocks  grazing  in  the 
court-yard  as  I  entered."  This  was  a  bouncer,  I  con- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAtf.  231 

fess ;  but  my  object  was  to  deceive  Puneeree  Muckun, 
and  give  him  as  high  a  notion  as  possible  of  the  capa 
bilities  of  defence  which  the  besieged  had. 

"  Pooch,  pooch,"  murmured  the  men  ;  "  it  is  a  won 
der  of  a  fortress,  we  shall  never  be  able  to  take  it  until 
our  guns  come  up." 

There  was  hope,  then !  they  had  no  battering  train. 
Ere  this  arrived,  I  trusted  that  Lord  Lake  would  hear 
of  our  plight,  and  march  down  to  rescue  us.  Thus 
occupied  in  thought  and  conversation,  we  rode  on  until 
the  advanced  sentinel  challenged  us,  when  old  Punee 
ree  gave  the  word,  and  we  passed  on  into  the  centre  of 
Holkar's  camp. 

It  was  a  strange — a  stirring  sight !  The  camp-fires 
were  lighted ;  and  round  them — eating,  reposing,  talk 
ing,  looking  at  the  merry  steps  of  the  dancing-girls,  or 
listening  to  the  stories  of  some  Dhol  Baut  (or  Indian 
improvvisatore) — were  thousands  of  dusky  soldiery. 
The  camels  and  horses  were  picketed  under  the  banyan 
trees,  on  which  the  ripe  mangoe  fruit  was  growing,  and 
offered  them  an  excellent  food.  Towards  the  spot 
which  the  golden  fish  and  royal  purdahs,  floating  in 
the  wind,  designated  as  the  tent  of  Holkar,  led  an 
immense  avenue — of  elephants !  the  finest  street,  in 
deed,  I  ever  saw.  Each  of  the  monstrous  animals  had 
a  castle  on  its  back,  armed  with  Mauritanian  archers 
and  the  celebrated  Persian  matchlock-men ;  it  was  the 
feeding-time  of  these  royal  brutes,  and  the  grooms 
were  observed  bringing  immense  toffungs  or  baskets, 
filled  with  pineapples,  plantains,  bandannas,  Indian 
corn,  and  cocoa-nuts,  which  grow  luxuriantly  at  all 
seasons  of  the  year.  We  passed  down  this  extraordi- 


232  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

nary  avenue — no  less  than  three  hundred  and  eighty- 
eight  tails  did  I  count  on  each  side — each  tail  apper 
taining  to  an  elephant  twenty-five  feet  high — each 
elephant  having  a  two-storied  castle  on  its  back — each 
castle  containing  sleeping  and  eating-rooms  for  the 
twelve  men  that  formed  its  garrison,  and  were  keeping 
watch  on  the  roof — each  roof  bearing  a  flag-staff  twenty 
feet  long  on  its  top,  the  crescent  glittering  with  a  thousand 
gems,  and  round  it  the  imperial  standard, — each  stan 
dard,  of  silk  velvet,  and  cloth  of  gold,  bearing  the  well- 
known  device  of  Holkar,  argent  an  or  gules,  between  a 
siHople  of  the  first,  a  chevron,  truncated,  wavy.  I  took 
nine  of  these  myself  in  the  course  of  a  very  short  time 
after,  and  shall  be  happy,  when  I  come  to  England,  to 
shew  them  to  any  gentleman  who  has  a  curiosity  that 
way.  Through  this  gorgeous  scene  our  little  cavalcade 
passed,  and  at  last  we  arrived  at  the  quarters  occupied 
by  Holkar. 

That  celebrated  chieftain's  tents  and  followers  were 
gathered  round  one  of  the  British  bungalows  which 
had  escaped  the  flames,  and  which  he  occupied  during 
the  siege.  When  I  entered  the  large  room  where  he 
sate,  I  found  him  in  the  midst  of  a  council  of  war ;  his 
nhief  generals  and  viziers  seated  round  him,  each  smok 
ing  his  hookah,  as  is  the  common  way  with  these  black 
fellows,  before,  at,  and  after  breakfast,  dinner,  supper, 
and  bedtime.  There  was  such  a  cloud  raised  by  their 
smoke  you  could  hardly  see  a  yard  before  you — ano 
ther  piece  of  good  luck  for  me — as  it  diminished  the 
chances  of  my  detection.  When,  with  the  ordinary 
ceremonies,  the  kitmutgars  and  consomahs  had  ex 
plained  to  the  prince  that  Bobbachy  Bahawder,  the 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  233 

right  eye  of  the  Sun  of  the  universe  (as  the  ignorant 
heathens  called  me),  had  arrived  from  his  mission, 
Holkar  immediately  summoned  me  to  the  maidaun,  or 
elevated  platform,  on  which  he  was  seated  in  a  luxu 
rious  easy  chair,  and  I,  instantly  taking  off  my  slippers, 
falling  on  my  knees,  and  beating  my  head  against  the 
ground  ninety-nine  times,  proceeded,  still  on  my  knees, 
a  hundred  and  twenty  feet  through  the  room,  and  then 
up  the  twenty  steps  which  led  to  his  maidaun — a  silly, 
painful,  and  disgusting  ceremony,  which  can  only  be 
considered  as  a  relic  of  barbarian  darkness,  which  tears 
the  knees  and  shins  to  pieces,  let  alone  the  panta 
loons.  I  recommend  anybody  who  goes  to  India,  with 
the  prospect  of  entering  the  service  of  the  native 
rajahs,  to  recollect  my  advice,  and  have  them  well 
wadded. 

Well,  the  right  eye  of  the  Sun  of  the  universe  scram 
bled  as  well  as  he  could  up  the  steps  of  the  maidaun 
(on  which,  in  rows,  smoking  as  I  have  said,  the  mus- 
nuds  or  general  officers  were  seated),  and  I  arrived 
within  speaking-distance  of  Holkar,  who  instantly  asked 
me  the  success  of  my  mission.  The  impetuous  old  man 
thereon  poured  out  a  multitude  of  questions  :  "  How 
many  men  are  there  in  the  fort  ?"  said  he  ;  "  how  many 
women  ?  Is  it  victualled  ?  have  they  ammunition  ? 
Did  you  see  Gahagan  Sahib,  the  commander  ?  did  you 
kill  him  ?"  All  these  questions  Jeswunt  Row  Holkar 
puffed  out  with  so  many  whiffs  of  tobacco. 

Taking  a  chillum  myself,  and  raising  about  me  such 
a  cloud,  that,  upon  my  honour  as  a  gentleman,  no  man 
at  three  yards'  distance  could  perceive  anything  of  me 
except  the  pillar  of  smoke  in  which  I  was  encompassed, 


234  SOME    PASSAGES    IN   THE 

I  told  Holkar,  in  Oriental  language,  of  course,  the  best 
tale  I  could  with  regard  to  the  fort. 

"  Sir,"  said  I,  "  to  answer  your  last  question  first — 
that  dreadful  Gujputi  I  have  seen — and  he  is  alive  ;  he 
is  eight  feet,  nearly,  in  height ;  he  can  eat  a  bullock 
daily  (of  which  he  has  seven  hundred  at  present  in  the 
compound,  and  swears  that  during  the  siege  he  will 
content  himself  with  only  three  a-week)  :  he  has  lost, 
in  battle,  his  left  eye  ;  and  what  is  the  consequence  ? 
O  Ram  Gunge  (O  thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morn- 
ing  and-with-beard-as-black-as-night),  Goliah  Gujputi — 


NEVER    SLEEPS 


1-5 


"  Ah,  you  Ghorumsaug  "  (you  thief  of  the  world), 
said  the  Prince  Vizier,  Saadut  Allee  Beg  Bimbukchee — 
"  it's  joking  you  are  ;" — and  there  was  a  universal  buzz 
through  the  room  at  the  announcement  of  this  bouncer. 

"  By  the  hundred  and  eleven  incarnations  of  Vish- 
nou,"  said  I,  solemnly  (an  oath  which  no  Indian  was 
ever  known  to  break),  "  I  swear  that  so  it  is ;  so  at 
least  he  told  me,  and  I  have  good  cause  to  know  his 
power.  Gujputi  is  an  enchanter,  he  is  leagued  with 
devils,  he  is  invulnerable.  "  Look,"  said  I,  unsheathing 
my  dagger,  and  every  eye  turned  instantly  towards  me 
— "  thrice  did  I  stab  him  with  this  steel — in  the  back, 
once — twice  right  through  the  heart ;  *  but  he  only 
laughed  me  to  scorn,  and  bade  me  tell  Holkar  that  the 
steel  was  not  yet  forged  which  was  to  inflict  an  injury 
upon  him." 

I  never  saw  a  man  in  such  a  rage  as  Holkar  was 
when  I  gave  him  this  somewhat  imprudent  message. 

"  Ah,  lily-livered  rogue  !"  shouted  he  out  to  me, 
"  milk-blooded  unbeliever  !  pale-faced  miscreant !  lives 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  235 

he  after  insulting  thy  master  in  thy  presence  ?  In  the 
name  of  the  Prophet,  I  spit  on  thee,  defy  thee,  abhor 
thee,  degrade  thee  !  Take  that,  thou  liar  of  the  uni 
verse  !  and  that — and  that — and  that !" 

Such  are  the  frightful  excesses  of  barbaric  minds  ! 
every  time  this  old  man  said  "  Take  that,"  he  flung 
some  article  near  him  at  the  head  of  the  undaunted 
Gahagan — his  dagger,  his  sword,  his  carbine,  his  richly 
ornamented  pistols,  his  turban  covered  with  jewels, 
worth  a  hundred  thousand  crores  of  rupees — finally,  his 
hookah,  snake,  mouth-piece,  silver  bell,  chillum  and  all 
— which  went  hissing  over  my  head,  and  flattening  into 
a  jelly  the  nose  of  the  grand  vizier. 

"  Yock  muzzee  !"  "  my  nose  is  off,"  said  the  old  man, 
mildly  ;  "  will  you  have  my  life,  0  Holkar  ?  it  is  thine 
likewise  !"  and  no  other  word  of  complaint  escaped  his 
lips. 

Of  all  these  missiles,  though  a  pistol  and  carbine  had 
gone  off  as  the  ferocious  Indian  flung  them  at  my  head, 
and  the  naked  scimitar,  fiercely  but  unadroitly  thrown, 
had  lopped  off  the  limbs  of  one  or  two  of  the  musnuds 
as  they  sat  trembling  on  their  omrahs,  yet,  strange  to 
say,  not  a  single  weapon  had  hurt  me.  When  the 
hubbub  ceased,  and  the  unlucky  wretches  Avho  had  been 
the  victims  of  this  fit  of  rage  had  been  removed, 
Holkar's  good -humour  somewhat  returned,  and  he 
allowed  me  to  continue  my  account  of  the  fort ;  which 
I  did,  not  taking  the  slightest  notice  of  his  burst  of  im 
patience,  as  indeed  it  would  have  been  the  height  of 
impoliteness  to  have  done,  for  such  accidents  happened 
many  times  in  the  day. 

"  It  is  well  that  the  Bobbachy  has  returned,"  snuffled 


236  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

out  the  poor  Grand  Vizier,  after  I  had  explained  to  the 
council  the  extraordinary  means  of  defence  possessed  by 
the  garrison.  "  Your  star  is  bright,  O  Bahawder  !  for 
this  very  night  we  had  resolved  upon  an  escalade  of  the 
fort,  and  we  had  sworn  to  put  every  one  of  the  infidel 
garrison  to  the  edge  of  the  sword." 

u  But  you  have  no  battering  train,"  said  I. 

"  Bah  !  we  have  a  couple  of  ninety-six  pounders, 
quite  sufficient  to  blow  the  gates  open  ;  and  then,  hey 
for  a  charge  !"  said  Loll  Mahommed,  a  general  of 
cavalry,  who  was  a  rival  of  Bobbachy's,  and  contra 
dicted,  therefore,  every  word  I  said.  "  In  the  name  of 
Juggernaut,  why  wait  for  the  heavy  artillery  ?  Have 
we  not  swords  ?  have  we  not  hearts  ?  Mashallah  !  Let 
cravens  stay  with  Bobbachy,  all  true  men  will  follow 
Loll  Mahommed !  Allah humdillah,  Bismillah,  Barik- 
allah  ?"*  and  drawing  his  scimitar,  he  waved  it  over  his 
head,  and  shouted  out  his  cry  of  battle.  It  was  repeat 
ed  by  many  of  the  other  omrahs ;  the  sound  of  their 
cheers  was  carried  into  the  camp,  and  caught  up  by  the 
men  ;  the  camels  began  to  cry,  the  horses  to  prance  and 
neigh,  the  eight  hundred  elephants  set  up  a  scream,  the 
trumpeters  and  drummers  clanged  away  at  their  instru 
ments.  I  never  heard  such  a  din  before  or  after.  How 
I  trembled  for  my  little  garrison  when  I  heard  the 
enthusiastic  cries  of  this  innumerable  host ! 

There  was  but  one  way  for  it.  "  Sir,"  said  I,  ad 
dressing  Holkar,  "  go  out  to-night,  and  you  go  to  cer 
tain  death.  Loll  Mahommed  has  not  seen  the  fort  as  I 


*  The  Major  has  put  the  most  approved  language  into  the  mouths  of  his 
Indian  characters.  Bismillah,  Barikallah,  and  so  on,  according  to  the  novel 
ists,  form  the  very  essence  of  Eastern  conversation. 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  237 

have.  Pass  the  gate  if  you  please,  and  for  what  ?  to 
fall  before  the  fire  of  a  hundred  pieces  of  artillery  ;  to 
storm  another  gate,  and  then  another,  and  then  to  be 
blown  up,  with  Gahagan's  garrison,  in  the  citadel. 
Who  talks  of  courage  ?  Were  I  not  in  your  august 
presence,  O  star  of  the  faithful,  I  would  crop  Loll 
Mahouimed's  nose  from  his  face,  and  wear  his  ears  as 
an  ornament  in  my  own  pugree  !  Who  is  there  here 
that  knows  not  the  difference  between  yonder  yellow- 
skinned  coward  and  Gahagan  Khan  Guj— I  mean  Bob- 
bachy  Bahawder  ?  I  am  ready  to  fight  one,  two,  three, 
or  twenty  of  them,  at  broad-sword,  small-sword,  single 
stick,  with  fists,  if  you  please ;  by  the  holy  piper,  fight 
ing  is  like  mate  and  dthrink  to  Ga — to  Bobbachy,  I 
mane — whoop  !  come  on,  you  divvle,  and  I'll  bate  the 
skin  off  your  ugly  bones." 

This  speech  had  very  nearly  proved  fatal  to  me,  for, 
when  I  am  agitated,  I  involuntarily  adopt  some  of  the 
phraseology  peculiar  to  my  own  country  ;  which  is  so 
uneastern,  that,  had  there  been  any  suspicion  as  to  my 
real  character,  detection  must  indubitably  have  ensued. 
As  it  was,  Holkar  perceived  nothing,  but  instantane 
ously  stopped  the  dispute.  Loll  Mahommed,  however, 
evidently  suspected  something,  for,  as  Holkar,  with  a 
voice  of  thunder,  shouted  out,  "  Tomasha,"  "  silence," 
Loll  sprung  forward  and  gasped  out — 

"  My  Lord  !  my  Lord  ;  this  is  not  Bob " 

But  he  could  say  no  more.  "  Gag  the  slave !" 
screamed  out  Holkar,  stamping  with  fury  ;  and  a  turban 
was  instantly  twisted  round  the  poor  devil's  jaws. 
"  Ho,  Furoshes  !  carry  out  Loll  Mahommed  Khan,  give 
him  a  hundred  dozen  on  the  soles  of  his  feet,  set  him 


238  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

upon  a  white  donkey,  and  carry  him  round  the  camp, 
with  an  inscription  before  him — '  This  is  the  way  that 
Holkar  rewards  the  talkative.' " 

I  breathed  again ;  and  ever  as  I  heard  each  whack 
of  the  bamboo,  falling  on  Loll  Mahommed's  feet,  I  felt 
peace  returning  to  my  mind,  and  thanked  my  stars 
that  I  was  delivered  of  this  danger. 

"Vizier,"  said  Holkar,  who  enjoyed  Loll's  roars 
amazingly,  "  I  owe  you  a  reparation  for  your  nose : 
kiss  the  hand  of  your  prince,  0  Saadat  Allee  Beg  Bim- 
bukchee !  be  from  this  day  forth  Zoheir  u  Dowlut !" 

The  good  old  man's  eyes  filled  with  tears.  "  I  can 
bear  thy  severity,  O  Prince,"  said  he,  "  I  cannot  bear 
thy  love.  Was  it  not  an  honour  that  your  highness 
did  me  just  now,  when  you  condescended  to  pass  over 
the  bridge  of  your  slave's  nose  ?" 

The  phrase  was  by  all  voices  pronounced  to  be  very 
poetical.  The  vizier  retired,  crowned  with  his  new 
honours,  to  bed.  Holkar  was  in  high  good-humour. 

"  Bobbachy,"  said  he,  "  thou,  too,  must  pardon 
me ; — apropos — I  have  news  for  thee.  Your  wife,  the 
incomparable  Puttee-Rooge,  (white  and  red  rose,)  has 
arrived  in  camp." 

"  MY  WIFE,  my  Lord  !"  said  I,  aghast. 

"Our  daughter,  the  light  of  thine  eyes!  Go,  my 
son ;  I  see  thou  art  wild  with  joy.  The  princess's 
tents  are  set  up  close  by  mine,  and  I  know  thou 
longest  to  join  her." 

My  wife !  here  was  a  complication  truly  ! 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  239 

CHAPTER  V. 

THE    ISSUE    OF    MY    INTERVIEW    WITH    MY    WIFE. 

I  FOUND  Puneeree  Muckun,  with  the  rest  of  my 
attendants,  waiting  at  the  gate,  and  they  immediately 
conducted  me  to  my  own  tents  in  the  neighbourhood. 
I  have  been  in  many  dangerous  predicaments  before 
that  time  and  since,  but  I  don't  care  to  deny  that  I  felt 
in  the  present  instance  such  a  throbbing  of  the  heart  as 
I  never  have  experienced  when  leading  a  forlorn  hope, 
or  marching  up  to  a  battery. 

As  soon  as  I  entered  the  tents  a  host  of  menials 
sprung  forward,  some  to  ease  me  of  my  armour,  some 
to  offer  me  refreshments,  some  with  hookahs,  attar  of 
roses  (in  great  quart  bottles),  and  the  thousand  delica 
cies  of  Eastern  life.  I  motioned  them  away.  "  I  will 
wear  my  armour,"  said  I ;  "  I  shall  go  forth  to-night : 
carry  my  duty  to  the  princess,  and  say  I  grieve  that  to 
night  I  have  not  the  time  to  see  her.  Spread  me  a 
couch  here,  and  bring  me  supper  here  ;  a  jar  of  Persian 
wine  well  cooled,  a  lamb  stuffed  with  pistachio-nuts,  a 
pillaw  of  a  couple  of  turkeys,  a  curried  kid — anything. 
Begone !  Give  me  a  pipe ;  leave  me  alone,  and  tell 
me  when  the  meal  is  ready." 

I  thought  by  these  means  to  put  off  the  fair  Puttee 
Rooge,  and  hoped  to  be  able  to  escape  without  subject 
ing  myself  to  the  examination  of  her  curious  eyes. 
After  smoking  for  a  while,  an  attendant  came  to  tell 
me  that  my  supper  was  prepared  in  the  inner  apartment 


240  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

of  the  tent  (I  suppose  that  the  reader,  if  he  be  possessed 
of  the  commonest  intelligence,  knows  that  the  tents  of 
the  Indian  grandees  are  made  of  the  finest  Cashmere 
shawls,  and  contain  a  dozen  rooms  at  least,  with  car 
pets,  chimneys,  and  sash  windows  complete).  I  entered, 
I  say,  into  an  inner  chamber,  and  there  began  with  my 
fingers  to  devour  my  meal  in  the  oriental  fashion, 
taking,  every  now  and  then,  a  pull  from  the  wine-jar 
which  was  cooling  deliciously  in  another  jar  of  snow. 

I  was  just  in  the  act  of  despatching  the  last  morsel 
of  a  most  savoury  stewed  lamb  and  rice,  which  had 
formed  my  meal,  when  I  heard  a  scuffle  of  feet,  a  shrill 
clatter  of  female  voices,  and,  the  curtain  being  flung 
open,  in  marched  a  lady  accompanied  by  twelve  slaves, 
with  moon-faces  and  slim  waists,  lovely  as  the  houris  in 
Paradise. 

The  lady  herself,  to  do  her  justice,  was  as  great  a 
contrast  to  her  attendants  as  could  possibly  be;  she 
was  crooked,  old,  of  the  complexion  of  molasses,  and 
rendered  a  thousand  times  more  ugly  by  the  tawdry 
dress  and  the  blazing  jewels  with  which  she  was  cover 
ed.  A  line  of  yellow  chalk  drawn  from  her  forehead 
to  the  tip  of  her  nose  (which  was  further  ornamented 
by  an  immense  glittering  nose-ring),  her  eye-lids  paint 
ed  bright  red,  and  a  large  dab  of  the  same  colour  on 
her  chin,  showed  she  was  not  of  the  Mussulman,  but 
the  Brahmin  faith — and  of  a  very  high  caste;  you 
could  see  that  by  her  eyes.  My  mind  was  instantane 
ously  made  up  as  to  my  line  of  action. 

The  male  attendants  had  of  course  quitted  the 
apartment,  as  they  heard  the  well-known  sound  of  her 
voice.  It  would  have  been  death  to  them  to  have  re- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR,    GAHAGAX.  241 

mained  and  looked  in  her  face.  The  females  ranged 
themselves  round  their  mistress,  as  she  squatted  down 
opposite  to  me. 

"And  is  this,"  said  she,  "  a  welcome,  0  Khan  !  after 
six  months'  absence,  for  the  most  unfortunate  and  loving 
wife  in  all  the  world — is  this  lamb,  O  glutton  !  half  so 
tender  as  thy  spouse  ?  Is  this  wine,  0  sot !  half  so  sweet 
as  her  looks  ?" 

I  saw  the  storm  was  brewing — her  slaves  to  whom 
she  turned,  kept  up  a  kind  of  chorus  ; — 

"  O,  the  faithless  one  !"  cried  they ;  "  O,  the  rascal, 
the  false  one,  who  has  no  eye  for  beauty,  and  no  heart 
for  love,  like  the  Khanum's  !" 

"A  lamb  is  not  so  sweet  as  love,"  said  I,  gravely : 
"  but  a  lamb  has  a  good  temper  ;  a  wine-cup  is  not  so 
intoxicating  as  a  woman — but  a  wine-cup  has  no  tongue, 
O  Khanum  Gee  !"  and  again  I  dipped  my  nose  in  the 
soul-refreshing  jar. 

The  sweet  Puttee  Rooge  was  not,  however,  to  be  put 
off  by  my  repartees ;  she  and  her  maidens  recom 
menced  their  chorus,  and  chattered  and  stormed  until  I 
lost  all  patience. 

"  Retire,  friends,"  said  I,  "  and  leave  me  in  peace." 

"  Stir,  on  your  peril !"  cried  the  Khanum. 

So,  seeing  there  was  no  help  for  it  but  violence,  I 
drew  out  my  pistols,  cocked  them,  and  said,  "  0  houris ! 
these  pistols  contain  each  two  balls  :  the  daughter  of 
Holkar  bears  a  sacred  life  for  me — but  for  you  ! — by 
all  the  saints  of  Hindoostan,  four  of  ye  shall  die  if  ye 
stay  a  moment  longer  in  my  presence !"  This  was 
enough  ;  the  ladies  gave  a  shriek,  and  skurried  out  of 
the  apartment  like  a  covey  of  partridges  on  the  wing. 
11 


242  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

Now,  then,  was  the  time  for  action.  My  wife,  or 
rather  Bobbachy's  wife,  sate  still,  a  little  flurried  by  the 
unusual  ferocity  which  her  lord  had  displayed  in  her 
presence.  I  seized  her  hand,  and,  gripping  it  close, 
whispered  in  her  ear,  to  which  I  put  the  other  pistol, 
"  O  Khanum,  listen  and  scream  not ;  the  moment  you 
scream,  you  die !"  She  was  completely  beaten :  she 
turned  as  pale  as  a  woman  could  in  her  situation,  and 
said/"  Speak,  Bobbachy  Bahawder,  I  am  dumb." 

"  Woman,"  said  I,  taking  off  rny  helmet,  and  remov 
ing  the  chain  cape  which  had  covered  almost  the  whole 
of  my  face — "/  am  not  thy  husband — I  am  the  slayer 
of  elephants,  the  world-renowned  GAHAGAN  !" 

As  I  said  this,  and  as  the  long  ringlets  of  red  hair 
fell  over  my  shoulders  (contrasting  strangely  with  my 
dyed  face  and  beard),  I  formed  one  of  the  finest  pictures 
that  can  possibly  be  conceived,  and  I  recommend  it  as 
a  subject  to  Mr.  Heath,  for  the  next  "  Book  of  Beauty." 

"  Wretch  !"  said  she,  "  what  wouldst  thou  ?" 

"You  black  faced  fiend,"  said  I,  "raise  but  your 
voice,  and  you  are  dead  !" 

"And  afterwards,"  said  she,  "do  you  suppose  that 
you  can  escape  ?  The  torments  of  hell  are  not  so  terri 
ble  as  the  tortures  that  Holkar  will  invent  for  thee." 

"  Tortures,  madam,"  answered  I,  coolly,  "  fiddlesticks  ! 
You  will  neither  betray  me,  nor  will  I  be  put  to  the  tor 
ture  :  on  the  contrary,  you  will  give  me  your  best  jewels 
and  facilitate  my  escape  to  the  fort.  Don't  grind  your 
teeth  and  swear  at  me.  Listen,  madam  ;  you  know 
this  dress  and  these  arms,  they  are  the  arms  of  your 
husband,  Bobbachy  Bahawder — my  prisoner.  He  now 
lies  in  yonder  fort,  and,  if  I  do  not  return  before  day- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  243 

light,  at  sunrise  he  dies :  and  then,  when  they  send  his 
corpse  back  to  Holkar,  what  will  you,  his  widow,  do  I" 

"  0  !"  said  she,  shuddering,  "  spare  me,  spare  me  !" 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  you  will  do.  You  will  have  the 
pleasure  of  dying  along  with  him — of  being  roasted, 
madam,  an  agonizing  death,  from  which  your  father 
cannot  save  you,  to  which  he  will  be  the  first  man  to 
condemn  and  conduct  you.  Ha  !  I  see  we  understand 
each  other,  and  you  will  give  me  over  the  cash-box  and 
jewels."  And  so  saying  I  threw  myself  back  with  the 
calmest  air  imaginable,  flinging  the  pistols  over  to  her. 
"  Light  me  a  pipe,  my  love,"  said  I,  "  and  then  go  and 
hand  me  over  the  dollars  ;  do  you  hear  ?"  You  see  I 
had  her  in  my  power — up  a  tree,  as  the  Americans  say, 
and  she  very  humbly  lighted  my  pipe  for  me,  and  then 
departed  for  the  goods  I  spoke  about. 

What  a  thing  is  luck  !  If  Loll  Mahommed  had  not 
been  made  to  take  that  ride  round  the  camp,  I  should 
infallibly  have  been  lost. 

My  supper,  my  quarrel  with  the  princess,  and  my 
pipe  afterwards,  had  occupied  a  couple  of  hours  of  my 
time.  The  princess  returned  from  her  quest,  and 
brought  with  her  the  box,  containing  valuables  to  the 
amount  of  about  three  millions  sterling.  (I  was  cheated 
of  them  afterwards,  but  have  the  box  still,  a  plain  deal 
one.)  I  was  just  about  to  take  my  departure,  when  a 
tremendous  knocking,  shouting,  and  screaming  was 
heard  at  the  entrance  of  the  tent.  It  was  Holkar  him 
self,  accompanied  by  that  cursed  Loll  Mahommed,  who, 
after  his  punishment,  found  his  master  restored  to  good- 
humour,  and  had  communicated  to  him  his  firm  convic 
tion  that  I  was  an  impostor. 


244  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

"  Ho,  Begum  !"  shouted  he,  in  the  ante-room  (for  he 
and  his  people  could  not  enter  the  women's  apart 
ments),  "  speak,  O  my  daughter !  is  your  husband 
returned  ?" 

"  Speak,  madam,"  said  I,  "  or  remember  the  roast 
ing." 

"  He  is,  papa,"  said  the  Begum. 

"Are  you  sure  ?  Ho  !  ho !  ho  !"  (the  old  ruffian  was 
laughing  outside) — "  are  you  sure  it  is  ? — Ha  !  ha !  ha ! 
— he-e-e  /" 

"  Indeed  it  is  he,  and  no  other.  I  pray  you,  father, 
to  go,  and  to  pass  no  more  such  shameless  jests  on  your 
daughter.  Have  I  ever  seen  the  face  of  any  other 
man  ?"  And  hereat  she  began  to  weep  as  if  her  heart 
would  break — the  deceitful  minx  ! 

Holkar's  laugh  was  instantly  turned  to  fury.  "  0, 
you  liar  and  eternal  thief !"  said  he,  turning  round  (as  I 
presume,  for  I  could  only  hear,)  to  Loll  Mahommed, 
"  to  make  your  prince  eat  such  monstrous  dirt  as  this ! 
Furoshes,  seize  this  man.  I  dismiss  him  from  my  ser 
vice,  I  degrade  him  from  his  rank,  I  appropriate  to  my 
self  all  his  property  ;  and,  hark  ye,  Furoshes,  GIVE  HIM 

A  HUNDRED  DOZEN  MORE  !" 

Again  I  heard  the  whacks  of  the  bamboos,  and  peace 

flowed  into  my  soul. 

****** 

Just  as  morn  began  to  break,  two  figures  were  seen 
to  approach  the  little  fortress  of  Futtyghur ;  one  was  a 
woman  wrapped  closely  in  a  veil,  the  other  a  warrior, 
remarkable  for  the  size  and  manly  beauty  of  his  form, 
who  carried  in  his  hand  a  deal  box  of  considerable  size. 
The  warrior  at  the  gate  gave  the  word  and  was  ad- 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  245 

mitted ;    the    woman    returned   slowly  to  the   Indian 
camp.     Her  name  was  Puttee  Rooge  ;  his  was — 

G.  O'G.  G.,  M.  H.  E.  I.  C.  S.  C.  I.  H.  A. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

FAMINE    IN    THE    GARRISON. 

THUS  my  dangers  for  the  night  being  overcome,  I 
hastened  with  my  precious  box  into  my  own  apartment, 
which  communicated  with  another,  where  I  had  left  my 
prisoner,  with  a  guard  to  report  if  he  should  recover, 
and  to  prevent  his  escape.  My  servant,  Ghorumsaug, 
was  one  of  the  guard.  I  called  him  and  the  fellow 
came,  looking  very  much  confused  and  frightened,  as  it 
seemed,  at  my  appearance. 

"  Why,  Ghorumsaug,"  said  I,  "  what  makes  thee  look 
so  pale,  fellow  ?"  (He  was  as  white  as  a  sheet.)  "  It 
is  thy  master,  dost  thou  not  remember  him?"  The 
man  had  seen  me  dress  myself  in  the  Pitan's  clothes, 
but  was  not  present  when  I  had  blacked  my  face  and 
beard  in  the  manner  I  have  described. 

"0  Bramah,  Vishnou,  and  Mahomet!"  cried  the 
faithful  fellow,  "  and  do  I  see  my  dear  master  disguised 
in  this  way  ?  For  heaven's  sake  let  me  rid  you  of  this 
odious  black  paint ;  for  what  will  the  ladies  say  in  the 
ball-room,  if  the  beautiful  Feringhee  should  appear 
amongst  them  with  his  roses  turned  into  coal  ?" 

I  am  still  one  of  the  finest  men  in  Europe,  and  at  the 


246  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

time  of  which  I  write,  when  only  tvvo-and -twenty,  I 
confess  I  was  a  little  vain  of  my  personal  appearance, 
and  not  very  willing  to  appear  before  my  dear  Belinda 
disguised  like  a  blackamoor.  I  allowed  Ghorumsaug 
to  divest  me  of  the  heathenish  armour  and  habiliments 
which  I  wore  ;  and  having,  with  a  world  of  scrubbing 
and  trouble,  divested  my  face  and  beard  of  their  black 
tinge,  I  put  on  my  own  becoming  uniform,  and 
hastened  to  wait  on  the  ladies ;  hastened,  I  say, — 
although  delayed  would  have  been  the  better  word,  for 
the  operation  of  bleaching  lasted  at  least  two  hours. 

"  How  is  the  prisoner,  Ghorumsaug  ?"  said  I,  before 
leaving  my  apartment. 

"  He  has  recovered  from  the  blow  which  the  Lion 
dealt  him  :  two  men  and  myself  watch  over  him  ;  and 
Macgillicuddy  Sahib  (the  second  in  command)  has  just 
been  the  rounds,  and  has  seen  that  all  was  secure." 

I  bade  Ghorumsaug  help  me  to  put  away  my  chest 
of  treasure  (my  exultation  in  taking  it  was  so  great, 
that  I  could  not  help  informing  him  of  its  contents) ; 
and  this  done  I  despatched  him  to  his  post  near  the 
prisoner,  while  I  prepared  to  sally  forth  and  pay  my 
respects  to  the  fair  creatures  under  my  protection. 
What  good  after  all  have  I  done,  thought  I  to  myself, 
in  this  expedition  which  I  had  so  rashly  undertaken  ? 
I  had  seen  the  renowned  Holker,  I  had  been  in  the 
heart  of  his  camp  ;  I  knew  the  disposition  of  his  troops, 
that  there  were  eleven  thousand  of  them,  and  that  he 
only  waited  for  his  guns  to  make  a  regular  attack  on 
the  fort.  I  had  seen  Puttee  Rooge ;  I  had  robbed  her 
(I  say  robbed  her,  and  I  don't  care  what  the  reader  or 
any  other  man  may  think  of  the  act,)  of  a  deal  box, 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  247 

containing  jewels  to  the  amount  of  three  millions  sterling, 
the  property  of  herself  and  husband. 

Three  millions  in  money  and  jewels  !  And  what  the 
deuce  were  money  and  jewels  to  me  or  to  my  poor 
garrison  ?  Could  my  adorable  Miss  Bulcher  eat  a 
fricasee  of  diamonds,  or,  Cleopatra-like,  melt  down 
pearls  to  her  tea  ?  Could  I,  careless  as  I  am  about 
food,  with  a  stomach  that  would  digest  anything — 
(once,  in  Spain,  I  ate  the  leg  of  a  horse  during  a  famine, 
and  was  so  eager  to  swallow  this  morsel  that  I  bolted 
the  shoe,  as  well  as  the  hoof,  and  never  felt  the  slightest 
inconvenience  from  either) — could  I,  I  say,  expect  to 
live  long  and  well  upon  a  ragout  of  rupees,  or  a  dish 
of  stewed  emeralds  and  rubies  ?  With  all  the  wealth 
of  Croesus  before  me  I  felt  melancholy  ;  and  would  have 
paid  cheerfully  its  weight  in  carats  for  a  good  honest 
round  of  boiled  beef.  Wealth,  wealth,' what  art  thou  ? 
What  is  gold  ? — Soft  metal.  What  are  diamonds  ? — 
Shining  tinsel.  The  great  wealth-winners,  the  only 
fame  achievers,  the  sole  objects  worthy  of  a  soldier's 
consideration,  are  beef-steaks,  gunpowder,  and  cold  iron. 

The  two  latter  means  of  competency  we  possessed  ; 
I  had  in  my  own  apartments  a  small  store  of  gun 
powder  (keeping  it  under  my  own  bed,  with  a  candle 
burning  for  fear  of  accidents) ;  I  had  14  pieces  of 
artillery  (4  long  48's  and  4  carronades,  5  howitzers, 
and  a  long  brass  mortar,  for  grape,  which  I  had  taken 
myself  at  the  battle  of  Assye),  and  muskets  for  ten 
times  my  force.  My  garrison,  as  I  have  told  the  reader 
in  a  previous  number,  consisted  of  40  men,  two  chap 
lains,  and  a  surgeon  ;  add  to  these  my  guests,  83  in 
number,  of  whom  nine  only  were  gentlemen  (in  tights, 


248  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

powder,  pigtails,  and  silk  stockings,  who  had  come  out 
merely  for  a  dance,  and  found  themselves  in  for  a  siege). 
Such  were  our  numbers : — 

Troops  and  artillerymen  ...       40 

Ladies 74 

Other  noncombatants  ....       11 
MAJOR  G.  O'G.  GAHAGAN  .  .  1000 


1125 

I  count  myself  good  for  a  thousand,  for  so  I  wafi 
regularly  rated  in  the  army  :  with  this  great  benefit  to 
it,  that  I  only  consumed  as  much  as  an  ordinary  mortal. 
We  were  then,  as  far  as  the  victuals  went,  126  mouths ; 
as  combatants  we  numbered  1040  gallant  men,  with  12 
guns  and  a  fort,  against  Holkar  and  his  12,000.  No 
such  alarming  odds,  if — 

If! — ay,  there  was  the  rub — if  we  had  shot,  as  well 
as  powder,  for  our  guns  ;  if  we  had  not  only  men  but 
meat.  Of  the  former  commodity  we  had  only  three 
rounds  for  each  piece.  Of  the  latter,  upon  my  sacred 
honour,  to  feed  126  souls,  we  had  but 

Two  drumsticks  of  fowls,  and  a  bone  of  ham. 

Fourteen  bottles  of  ginger-beer. 

Of  soda-water,  four  do.  do. 

Two  bottles  fine  Spanish  olives. 

Raspberry  cream — the  remainder  of  two  dishes. 

Seven  macaroons  lying  in  the  puddle  of  a  demolished 

trifle. 

Half  a  drum  of  best  Turkey  figs. 
Some  bits  of  broken  bread ;  two  Dutch  cheeses  (whole) ; 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAIIAGAN.  249 

the  crust  of  an  old  Stilton  ;  and  about  an  ounce  of 
almonds  and  raisins. 

Three  ham-sandwiches,  and  a  pot  of  currant-jelly,  and 
197  bottles  of  brandy,  rum,  madeira,  pale  ale  (my 
private  stock)  ;  a  couple  of  hard  eggs  for  a  salad, 
and  a  flask  of  Florence  oil. 

This  was  the  provision  for  the  whole  garrison  !  The 
men  after  supper  had  seized  upon  the  relics  of  the 
repast,  as  they  were  carried  off  from  the  table ;  and 
these  were  the  miserable  remnants  I  found  and  counted 
on  my  return  :  taking  good  care  to  lock  the  door  of 
the  supper-room,  and  treasure  what  little  sustenance 
still  remained  in  it. 

When  I  appeared  in  the  saloon,  now  lighted  up  by 
the  morning  sun,  I  not  only  caused  a  sensation  myself, 
but  felt  one  in  my  own  bosom,  which  was  of  the  most 
painful  description.  O,  my  reader !  may  you  never 
behold  such  a  sight  as  that  which  presented  itself : 
eighty-three  men  and  women  in  ball  dresses  ;  the  form 
er  with  their  lank  powdered  locks  streaming  over  their 
faces;  the  latter  with  faded  flowers,  uncurled  wigs, 
smudged  rouge,  blear  eyes,  draggling  feathers,  rumpled 
satins — each  more  desperately  melancholy  and  hideous 
than  the  other — each,  except  my  beloved  Belinda  Bul- 
cher,  whose  raven  ringlets  never  having  been  in  curl 
could  of  course  never  go  out  of  curl ;  whose  cheek,  pale 
as  the  lily,  could,  as  it  may  naturally  be  supposed, 
grow  no  paler ;  whose  neck  and  beauteous  arms,  daz 
zling  as  alabaster,  needed  no  pearl-powder,  and  there 
fore,  as  I  need  not  state,  did  not  suffer  because  the 
pearl-powder  had  come  off.  Joy  (deft  link-boy !)  lit  his 
11* 


250  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

lamps  in  each  of  her  eyes  as  I  entered.  As  if  I  had 
been  her  sun,  her  spring,  lo !  blushing  roses  mantled  in 
her  cheek !  Seventy-three  ladies,  as  I  entered,  opened 
their  fire  upon  me,  and  stunned  me  with  cross-questions, 
regarding  my  adventures  in  the  camp — she,  as  she  saw 
me,  gave  a  faint  scream  (the  sweetest,  sure,  that  ever 
gurgled  through  the  throat  of  a  woman  !)  then  started 
up — then  made  as  if  she  would  sit  down — then  moved 
backwards — then  tottered  forwards — then  tumbled  into 
my — Psha  !  why  recal,  why  attempt  to  describe  that 
delicious — that  passionate  greeting  of  two  young  hearts  ? 
What  was  the  surrounding  crowd  to  us  ?  What  cared 
we  for  the  sneers  of  the  men,  the  titters  of  the 
jealous  women,  the  shrill  "  Upon  my  word,"  of  the 
elder  Miss  Bulcher,  and  the  loud  expostulations  of  Belin 
da's  mamma  ?  The  brave  girl  loved  me,  and  wept  in 
my  arms.  "  Goliah  !  my  Goliah  !"  said  she,  "  my  brave, 
my  beautiful,  thou  art  returned,  and  hope  comes  back 
with  thee.  Oh  !  who  can  tell  the  anguish  of  my  soul, 
during  this  dreadful,  dreadful  night !"  Other  similar 
ejaculations  of  love  and  joy  she  uttered ;  and  if  I  had 
perilled  life  in  her  service,  if  I  did  believe  that  hope  of 
escape  there  was  none,  so  exquisite  was  the  moment  of 
our  meeting,  that  I  forgot  all  else  in  this  overwhelming 
joy  !##### 

[The  major's  description  of  this  meeting,  which  lasted 
at  the  very  most  not  ten  seconds,  occupies  thirteen 
pages  of  writing.  We  have  been  compelled  to  dock 
off  twelve-and-a-half;  for  the  whole  passage,  though 
highly  creditable  to  his  feelings,  might  possibly  be 
tedious  to  the  reader.] 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  251 

As  I  said,  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  were  inclined  to 
sneer,  and  were  giggling  audibly.  I  led  the  dear  girl 
to  a  chair,  and,  scowling  round  with  a  tremendous 
fierceness,  which  those  who  know  me  know  I  can  some 
times  put  on,  I  shouted  out,  "  Hark  ye  !  men  and  women 
— I  am  this  lady's  truest  knight — her  husband  I  hope  one 
day  to  be.  I  am  commander,  too,  in  this  fort — the 
enemy  is  without  it ;  another  word  of  mockery — another 
glance  of  scorn — and,  by  Heaven,  I  will  hurl  every 
man  and  woman  from  the  battlements,  a  prey  to  the 
ruffianly  Holkar  !"  This  quieted  them.  I  am  a  man 
of  my  word,  and  none  of  them  stirred  or  looked 
disrespectfully  from  that  moment. 

It  was  now  my  turn  to  make  them  look  foolish. 
Mrs.  Vandegobbleschroy  (whose  unfailing  appetite  is 
pretty  well  known  to  every  person  who  has  been  in 
India)  cried,  "  Well,  Captain  Gahagan,  your  ball  has 
been  so  pleasant,  and  the  supper  was  despatched  so 
long  ago,  that  myself  and  the  ladies  would  be  very 
glad  of  a  little  breakfast."  And  Mrs.  Van  giggled  as 
if  she  had  made  a  very  witty  and  reasonable  speech. 
"Oh!  breakfast,  breakfast  by  all  means,"  said  the 
rest ;  "  we  really  are  (tying  for  a  warm  cup  of  tea." 

"  Is  it  bohay  tay  or  souchong  tay  that  you'd  like, 
ladies  ?"  says  I. 

"  Nonsense,  you  silly  man  ;  any  tea  you  like,"  said 
fat  Mrs.  Van. 

"  What  do  you  say,  then,  to  some  prime  GUNPOW 
DER  ?"  Of  course  they  said  it  was  the  very  thing. 

"  And  do  you  like  hot  rowls  or  cowld — muffins  or 
crumpets — fresh  butter  or  salt  ?  And  you,  gentlemen, 
what  do  you  say  to  some  ilegant  divvled-kidneys  for 


252  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

yourselves,    and  just  a  trifle  of  grilled  turkeys,  and  a 
couple  of  hundthred  new-laid  eggs  for  the  ladies  ?" 

"  Pooh,  pooh  !  be  it  as  you  will,  my  dear  fellow," 
answered  they  all. 

"  But  stop,"  says  I.  "  O  ladies,  O  ladies ;  0  gen 
tlemen,  gentlemen,  that  you  should  ever  have  come 
to  the  quarters  of  Goliah  Gahagan,  and  he  been 
without — " 

"What?"  said  they,  in  a  breath. 

"  Alas !  alas  !  I  have  not  got  a  single  stick  of  choco 
late  in  the  whole  house." 
*  "Well,  well,  we  can  do  without  it." 

"  Or  a  single  pound  of  coffee." 

"Never  mind;  let  that  pass  too."  (Mrs.  Van  and 
the  rest  were  beginning  to  look  alarmed.) 

"  And  about  the  kidneys — now  I  remember,  the 
black  divvies  outside  the  fort  have  seized  upon  all  the 
sheep ;  and  how  are  we  to  have  kidneys  without 
them  3"  (Here  there  was  a  slight  o — o — o  ! ) 

"  And  with  regard  to  the  milk  and  crame,  it  may 
be  remarked  that  the  cows  are  likewise  in  pawn,  and 
not  a  single  drop  can  be  had  for  money  or  love  :  but 
we  can  beat  up  eggs,  you  know,  in  the  tay,  which  will 
be  just  as  good." 

"  Oh  !  just  as  good." 

"  Only  the  divvle's  in  the  luck,  there's  not  a  fresh 
egg  to  be  had — no,  nor  a  fresh  chicken,"  continued  I, 
"  nor  a  stale  one  either  ;  nor  a  tay  spoonful  of  souchong, 
nor  a  thimbleful  of  boh  ay ;  nor  the  laste  taste  in  life 
of  butther,  salt  or  fresh  ;  nor  hot  rowls  or  cowld  !" 

"In  the  name  of  Heaven  !"  said  M~s.  Van,  growing 
very  pale,  "  what  is  there,  then  ?" 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  253 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  I'll  tell  you  what  there  is, 
now,"  shouted  I.     "  There's 

Two  drumsticks  of  fowls,  and  a  bone  of  ham. 
Fourteen  bottles  of  ginger-beer,"  &c.  &c.  &c. 

And   I  went  through   the  whole   list  of  eatables  as 
before,  ending  with  the  ham-sandwiches  and  the  pot  of 


"  Law  !  Mr.  Gahagan,"  said  Mrs.  Colonel  Vandegob- 
bleschroy,  "give  me  the  ham-sandwiches  —  I  must 
manage  to  breakfast  off  them." 

And  you  should  have  heard  the  pretty  to-do  there 
was  at  this  modest  proposition  !  Of  course  I  did 
not  accede  to  it  —  why  should  I?  I  was  the  com 
mander  of  the  fort,  and  intended  to  keep  these  three 
very  sandwiches  for  the  use  of  myself  and  my  dear 
Belinda.  "  Ladies,"  said  I,  "  there  are  in  this  fort  one 
hundred  and  twenty-six  souls,  and  this  is  all  the  food 
which  is  to  last  us  during  the  siege.  Meat  there  is 
none  —  of  drink  there  is  a  tolerable  quantity  ;  and,  at 
one  o'clock  punctually,  a  glass  of  wine  and  one  olive 
shall  be  served  out  to  each  woman  :  the  men  will 
receive  two  glasses,  and  an  olive  and  a  fig  —  and  this 
must  be  your  food  during  the  siege.  Lord  Lake 
cannot  be  absent  more  than  three  days  ;  and,  if  he  be, 
why  still  there  is  a  chance  —  why  do  I  say  a  chance  ?  — 
a  certainty  of  escaping  from  the  hands  of  these 
ruffians." 

"  Oh,  name  it,  name  it,  dear  Captain  Gahagan  !" 
screeched  the  whole  covey  at  a  breath. 

"  It  lies,"  answered  I,  "  in  the  powder  magazine.     I 


254  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

will  blow  this  fort,  and  all  it  contains,  to  atoms,  ere  it 
becomes  the  prey  of  Holkar." 

The  women,  at  this,  raised  a  squeal  that  might  have 
been  heard  in  Holkar's  camp,  and  fainted  in  different 
directions ;  but  my  clear  Belinda  whispered  in  my  ear, 
"  Well  done,  thou  noble  knight !  bravely  said,  my 
heart's  Goliah  !"  I  felt  I  was  right :  I  could  have  blown 
her  up  twenty  times  for  the  luxury  of  that  single 
moment !  "  And  now,  ladies,"  said  I,  "  I  must  leave 
you.  The  two  chaplains  will  remain  with  you  to  admi 
nister  professional  consolation — the  other  gentlemen  will 
follow  me  up  stairs  to  the  ramparts,  where  I  shall  find 
plenty  of  work  for  them." 


CHAPTER  VII. 

THE  ESCAPE. 

LOTH  as  they  were,  these  gentlemen  had  nothing  for 
it  but  to  obey,  and  they  accordingly  followed  me  to  the 
ramparts,  where  I  proceeded  to  review  my  men.  The 
fort,  in  my  absence,  had  been  left  in  command  of  Lieu 
tenant  Macgillicuddy,  a  countryman  of  my  own  (with 
whom,  as  may  be  seen  in  an  early  chapter  of  my 
memoirs,  I  had  an  affair  of  honour)  ;  and  the  prisoner 
Bobbachy  Bahawder,  whom  I  had  only  stunned,  never 
wishing  to  kill  him,  had  been  left  in  charge  of  that  offi 
cer.  Three  of  the  garrison  (one  of  them  a  man  of  the 
Ahmednuggar  Irregulars,  my  own  body-servant,  Gho- 
rumsaug  above-named)  were  appointed  to  watch  the 
captive  by  turns,  and  never  leave  him  out  of  their 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  255 

sight.  The  lieutenant  was  instructed  to  look  to  them 
and  to  their  prisoner,  and  as  Bobbachy  was  severely 
injured  by  the  blow  which  I  had  given  him,  and  was 
moreover,  bound  hand  and  foot,  and  gagged  smartly 
with  cords,  I  considered  myself  sure  of  his  person. 

Macgillicuddy  did  not  make  his  appearance  when  I 
reviewed  my  little  force,  and  the  three  havildars  were 
likewise  absent — this  did  not  surprise  me,  as  I  had  told 
them  not  to  leave  their  prisoner ;  but,  desirous  to  speak 
with  the  lieutenant,  I  despatched  a  messenger  to  him, 
and  ordered  him  to  appear  immediately. 

The  messenger  came  back ;  he  was  looking  ghastly 
pale  :  he  whispered  some  information  into  my  ear,  which 
instantly  caused  me  to  hasten  to  the  apartments,  where 
Lhad  caused  Bobbachy  Bahawder  to  be  confined. 

The  men  had  fled  ; — Bobbachy  had  fled  ;  and  in  his 
place,  fancy  my  astonishment  when  I  found — with  a 
rope,  cutting  his  naturally  wide  mouth  almost  into  his 
ears — with  a  dreadful  sabre-cut  across  his  forehead — 
with  his  legs  tied  over  his  head,  and  his  arms  tied 
between  his  legs — my  unhappy,  my  attached  friend — 
Mortimer  Macgillicuddy ! 

He  had  been  in  this  position  for  about  three  hours — it 
was  the  very  position  in  which  I  had  caused  Bobbachy 
Bahawder  to  be  placed — an  attitude  uncomfortable,  it  is 
true,  but  one  which  renders  escape  impossible,  unless 
treason  aid  the  prisoner. 

I  restored  the  lieutenant  to  his  natural  erect  position  : 
I  poured  half-a-bottle  of  whiskey  down  the  immensely 
enlarged  orifice  of  his  mouth,  and  when  he  had  been 
released,  he  informed  me  of  the  circumstances  that  had 
taken  place. 


256  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

Fool  that  I  was  !  idiot ! — upon  my  return  to  the  fort, 
to  have  been  anxious  about  ray  personal  appearance, 
and  to  have  spent  a  couple  of  hours,  in  removing 
the  artificial  blackening  from  my  beard  and  complexion, 
instead  of  going  to  examine  my  prisoner ;  when  his 
escape  would  have  been  prevented — O  foppery,  foppery  ! 
— it  was  that  cursed  love  of  personal  appearance,  which 
had  led  me  to  forget  my  duty  to  my  general,  my  coun 
try,  my  monarch,  and  my  own  honour ! 

Thus  it  was  that  the  escape  took  place.  My  own 
fellow  of  the  Irregulars,  whom  I  had  summoned  to  dress 
me,  performed  the  operation  to  my  satisfaction,  invested 
me  with  the  elegant  uniform  of  my  corps,  and  removed 
the  Pitan's  disguise  which  I  had  taken  from  the  back 
of  the  prostrate  Bobbachy  Bahawder.  What  did  the 
rogue  do  next  ? — Why,  he  carried  back  the  dress  to  the 
Bobbachy — he  put  it,  once  more,  on  its  right  owner,  he 
and  his  infernal  black  companions  (who  had  been  so 
won  over  by  the  Bobbachy,  with  promises  of  enormous 
reward),  gagged  Macgillicuddy,  who  was  going  the 
rounds,  and  then  inarched  with  the  Indian  coolly  up  to 
the  outer  gate,  and  gave  the  word.  The  sentinel, 
thinking  it  was  myself,  who  had  first  come  in,  and  was 
as  likely  to  go  out  again  (indeed,  my  rascally  valet 
said,  that  Gahagan  Saib  was  about  to  go  out  with  him 
and  his  two  companions  to  reconnoitre)— opened  the 
gates,  and  off  they  went ! 

This  accounted  for  the  confusion  of  my  valet  when  I 
entered ! — and  for  the  scoundrel's  speech,  that  the  lieu 
tenant  had/w^  been  the  rounds  ; — he  had,  poor  fellow, 
and  had  been  seized  and  bound  in  this  cruel  way.  The 
three  men,  with  their  liberated  prisoner,  had  just  been 


-._-»_  LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  257 

on  the  point  of  escape,  \vhen  my  arrival  disconcerted 
them  :  I  had  changed  the  guard  at  the  gate  (whom  they 
had  won  over  likewise) ;  and  yet,  although  they  had 
overcome  poor  Mac,  and  although  they  were  ready  for 
the  start,  they  had  positively  no  means  for  effecting 
their  escape,  until  I  was  ass  enough  to  put  means 
in  their  way.  Fool !  fool !  thrice  besotted  fool  that  I 
was,  to  think  of  my  own  silly  person  when  I  should 
have  been  occupied  solely  with  my  public  duty. 

From  Macgillicuddy's  incoherent  accounts,  as  he  was 
gasping  from  the  effects  of  the  gag,  and  the  whiskey  he 
had  taken  to  revive  him,  and  from  my  own  subsequent 
observations,  I  learned  this  sad  story.  A  sudden  and 
painful  thought  struck  me — iny  precious  box ! — I  rushed 
back,  I  found  that  box — I  have  it  still — opening  it,  there 
where  I  had  left  ingots,  sacks  of  bright  tomauns, 
kopeks,  and  rupees,  strings  of  diamonds  as  big  as 
ducks'  eggs,  rubies  as  red  as  the  lips  of  my  Belinda, 
countless  strings  of  pearls,  amethysts,  emeralds,  piles 
upon  piles  of  bank  notes — I  found — a  piece  of  paper ! 
with  a  few  lines  in  the  Sanscrit  language,  which  are 
thus,  word  for  word,  translated  : — 

EPIGRAM. 
(On  disappointing  a  certain  Major.) 

The  conquering  lion  return'd  with  his  prey, 
And  safe  in  his  cavern  he  set  it, 
The  sly  little  fox  stole  the  booty  away ; 
And,  as  he  escaped,  to  the  lion  did  say, 
"  Aha,  don't  you  wish  you  may  get  it?" 

Confusion  !     Oh,  how  my  blood  boiled  as  I  read  these 


258  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

cutting  lines.  I  stamped, — I  swore, — I  don't  know  to 
what  insane  lengths  my  rage  might  have  carried  me, 
had  not  at  this  moment  a  soldier  rushed  in,  screaming, 
"  The  enemy,  the  enemy !" 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

THE    CAPTIVE. 

IT  was  high  time,  indeed,  that  I  should  make  my 
appearance.  Waving  my  sword  with  one  hand,  and 
seizing  my  telescope  with  the  other,  I  at  once  frightened 
and  examined  the  enemy.  Well  they  knew  when  they 
saw  that  flamingo-plume  floating  in  the  breeze — that 
awful  figure  standing  in  the  breach — that  waving  war- 
sword  sparkling  in  the  sky — well,  I  say,  they  knew  the 
name  of  the  humble  individual  who  owned  the  sword, 
the  plume,  and  the  figure.  The  ruffians  were  mustered 
in  front,  the  cavalry  behind.  The  flags  were  flying,  the 
drums,  gongs,  tambourines,  violoncellos,  and  other  in 
struments  of  eastern  music,  raised  in  the  air  a  strange, 
barbaric  melody ;  the  officers  (yatabals),  mounted  on 
white  dromedaries,  were  seen  galloping  to  and  fro,  car 
rying  to  the  advancing  hosts  the  orders  of  Holkar. 

You  see  that  two  sides  of  the  fort  of  Futtyghur 
(rising  as  it  does  on  a  rock  that  is  almost  perpendicu 
lar),  are  defended  by  the  Burrumpooter  river,  two  hun 
dred  feet  deep  at  this  point,  and  a  thousand  yards  wide, 
so  that  I  had  no  fear  about  them  attacking  me  in  that 
quarter.  My  guns,  therefore,  (with  their  six-and-thirty 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAOAN*.  259 

miserable  charges  of  shot,)  were  dragged  round  to  the 
point  at  which  I  conceived  Holkar  would  be  most  likely 
to  attack  me.  I  was  in  a  situation  that  I  did  not  dare 
to  fire,  except  at  such  times  as  I  could  kill  a  hundred 
men  by  a  single  discharge  of  a  cannon  ;  so  the  attack 
ing  party  marched  and  marched,  very  strongly,  about 
a  mile  and  a  half  off,  the  elephants  marching  without 
receiving  the  slightest  damage  from  us,  until  they  had 
come  to  within  four  hundred  yards  of  our  walls,  (the 
rogues  knew  all  the  secrets  of  our  weakness,  through 
the  betrayal  of  the  -dastardly  Ghorumsaug,  or  they 
never  would "  4iave  ventured  so  near).  At  that  dis 
tance — it  was  about  the  spot  where  the  Futtyghur  hill 
began  gradually  to  rise — the  invading  force  stopped  ; 
the  elephants  drew  up  in  a  line,  right  angles  with  our 
wall  (the  fools  !  they  thought  they  should  expose  them 
selves  too  much  by  taking  a  position  parallel  to  it !)  the 
cavalry  halted  too,  and — after  the  deuce's  own  flourish 
of  trumpets,  and  banging  of  gongs,  to  be  sure, — some 
body,  in  a  flame-coloured  satin  dress,  with  an  immense 
jewel  blazing  in  his  pugree  (that  looked  through  my 
telescope  like  a  small  but  very  bright  planet),  got  up 
from  the  back  of  one  of  the  very  biggest  elephants, 
and  began  a  speech. 

The  elephants  were,  as  I  said,  in  a  line  formed  with 
admirable  precision,  about  three  hundred  of  them. 
The  following  little  diagram  will  explain  matters : — 


260 


SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 


E,  is  the  line  of  elephants.  F  is  the  wall  of  the  fort. 
G  a  gun  in  the  fort.  Now  the  reader  will  see  what  I 
did. 

The  elephants  were  standing,  their  trunks  waggling 
to  and  fro  gracefully  before  them ;  and  I,  with  super 
human  skill  and  activity,  brought  the  gun  G  (a  devilish 
long  brass  gun)  to  bear  upon  them.  I  pointed  it  my 
self  ;  bang  it  went,  and  what  was  the  consequence  ? 
Why  this : — 


F  is  the  fort,  as  before.  G  is  the  gun,  as  before.  E, 
the  elephants,  as  we  have  previously  seen  them.  What 
then  is  +  ?  +  is  the  line  taken  by  the  ball  fired  from 
G,  which  took  off  one  hundred  and  thirty-four  elephants' 
trunks,  and  only  spent  itself  in  the  tusk  of  a  very  old 
animal,  that  stood  the  hundred  and  thirty-fifth  ! 

I  say  that  such  a  shot  was  never  fired  before  or 
since ;  that  a  gun  was  never  pointed  in  such  a  way. 
Suppose  I  had  been  a  common  man,  and  contented 
myself  with  firing  bang  at  the  head  of  the  first  animal  ? 
An  ass  would  have  done  it,  prided  himself  had  he  hit 
his  mark, — and  what  would  have  been  the  conse 
quence?  Why,  that  the  ball  might  have  killed  two 
elephants  and  wounded  a  third  ;  but  here,  probably,  it 
would  have  stopped,  and  done  no  further  mischief.  The 
trunk  was  the  place  at  which  to  aim  ;  there  are  no  bones 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  261 

there ;  and  away,  consequently,  went  the  bullet,  shearing, 
as  I  have  said,  through  one  hundred  and  thirty-five 
probosces.  Heavens !  what  a  howl  there  was  when  the 
shot  took  effect !  What  a  sudden  stoppage  of  Holkar's 
speech !  What  a  hideous  snorting  of  elephants ! 
What  a  rush  backwards  was  made  by  the  whole  army, 
as  if  some  demon  was  pursuing  them  ! 

Away  they  went.  No  sooner  did  I  see  them  in  full 
retreat,  than,  rushing  forward  myself,  I  shouted  to  iny 
men,"  My  friends,  yonder  lies  your  dinner !"  We  flung 
open  the  gates — we  tore  down  to  the  spot  where  the 
elephants  had  fallen  ;  seven  of  them  were  killed ;  and  of 
those  that  escaped  to  die  of  their  hideous  wounds  else 
where,  most  had  left  their  tusks  behind  them.  A  great 
quantity  of  them  we  seized  ;  and  I  myself,  cutting  up 
with  my  scimetar  a  couple  of  the  fallen  animals,  as  a 
butcher  would  a  calf,  motioned  to  the  men  to  take  the 
pieces  back  to  the  fort,  where  barbacued  elephant  was 
served  round  for  dinner,  instead  of  the  miserable  allow 
ance  of  an  olive  and  a  glass  of  wine,  which  I  had 
promised  to  my  female  friends,  in  my  speech  to  them. 
The  animal  reserved  for  the  ladies  was  a  young  white 
one — the  fattest  and  tenderest  I  ever  ate  in  my  life  : 
they  are  very  fair  eating,  but  the  flesh  has  an  India- 
rubber  flavour,  which,  until  one  is  accustomed  to  it,  is 
unpalatable. 

It  was  well  that  I  had  obtained  this  supply,  for, 
during  my  absence  on  the  works,  Mrs.  Vandegobble- 
schroy  and  one  or  two  others,  had  forced  their  way  into 
the  supper-room,  and  devoured  every  morsel  of  the 
garrison  larder,  with  the  exception  of  the  cheeses,  the 
olives,  and  the  wine,  which  were  locked  up  in  my  own 


262  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

apartment,  before  which  stood  a  sentinel.  Disgusting 
Mrs.  Van !  When  I  heard  of  her  gluttony,  I  had 
almost  a  mind  to  eat  her.  However,  we  made  a  very 
comfortable  dinner  off  the  barbacued  steaks,  and  when 
every  body  had  done,  had  the  comfort  of  knowing  that 
there  was  enough  for  one  meal  more. 

The  next  day,  as  I  expected,  the  enemy  attacked  us 
in  great  force,  attempting  to  escalade  the  fort ;  but  by 
the  help  of  my  guns,  and  my  good  sword,  by  the 
distinguished  bravery  of  Lieutenant  Macgillicuddy  and 
the  rest  of  the  garrison,  we  beat  this  attack  off  com 
pletely,  the  enemy  sustaining  a  loss  of  seven  hundred 
men.  We  were  victorious ;  but  when  another  attack 
was  made,  what  were  we  to  do  ?  We  had  still  a  little 
powder  left,  but  had  fired  off  all  the  shot,  stones,  iron 
bars,  &c.,  in  the  garrison !  On  this  day,  too,  we 
devoured  the  last  morsel  of  our  food  ;  I  shall  never  for 
get  Mrs.  Vandegobbleschroy's  despairing  look,  as  I  saw 
her  sitting  alone,  attempting  to  make  some  impression 
on  the  little  white  elephant's  roasted  tail. 

The  third  day  the  attack  was  repeated.  The  resources 
of  genius  are  never  at  an  end.  Yesterday,  I  had  no  am 
munition  ;  to-day,  I  had  discovered  charges  sufficient 
for  two  guns,  and  two  swivels,  which  were  much  longer, 
but  had  bores  of  about  blunderbuss  size. 

This  time  my  friend  Loll  Mahommed,  who  had 
received,  as  the  reader  may  remember,  such  a  bastinado 
ing  for  my  sake,  headed  the  attack.  The  poor  wretch 
could  not  walk,  but  he  was  carried  in  an  open  palan 
quin,  and  came  on  waving  his  sword,  and  cursing 
horribly  in  his  Hindoostan  jargon.  Behind  him  came 
troops  of  matchlock  men,  who  picked  off  every  one  of 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAIIAGAX.  263 

our  men  who  showecb  their  noses  above  the  ramparts  ; 
and  a  great  host  of  blackamoors  with  scaling  ladders, 
bundles  to  fill  the  ditch,  fascines,  gabions,  culverins, 
demilunes,  counterscarps,  and  all  the  other  appurtenances 
of  offensive  war. 

On  they  came ;  my  guns  and  men  were  ready  for 
them.  You  will  ask  how  my  pieces  were  loaded  ?  I 
answer,  that  though  rny  garrison  were  without  food,  I 
knew  my  duty  as  an  officer,  and  had  put  the  two  Dutch 
cheeses  into  the  tivo  guns,  and  had  crammed  the  contents 
of  a  bottle  of  olives  into  each  swivel. 

They  advanced, — whish !  went  one  of  the  Dutch 
cheeses, — bang  !  went  the  other.  Alas  !  they  did  little 
execution.  In  their  first  contact  with  an  opposing 
body,  they  certainly  floored  it;  but  they  became  at 
once  like  so  much  Welsh-rabbit,  and  did  no  execution 
beyond  the  man  whom  they  struck  down. 

*'  Hogree,  pogree,  wongree-fum ;"  (praise  to  Allah, 
and  the  forty-nine  Imaums  !)  shouted  out  the  ferocious 
Loll  Mahommed,  when  he  saw  the  failure  of  my  shot. 
"  Onward,  sons  of  the  Prophet !  the  jnfidel  has  no  more 
ammunition — a  hundred  thousand  lakhs  of  rupees  to  the 
man  who  brings  me  Gahagan's  head  !" 

His  men  set  up  a  shout,  and  rushed  forward — he,  to 
do  him  justice,  was  at  the  very  head,  urging  on  his 
own  palanquin  bearers,  and  poking  them  with  the  tip 
of  his  scimetar.  They  came  panting  up  the  hill :  I  was 
black  with  rage,  but  it  was  the  cold,  concentrated  rage 
of  despair.  "  Macgillicuddy,"  said  I,  calling  that  faith 
ful  officer,  "  you  know  where  the  barrels  of  powder  are  ?" 
He  did.  "  You  know  the  use  to  make  of  them  ?" 
He  did.  He  grasped  my  hand.  "  Goliah,"  said  he, 


264  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

"farewell !  I  swear  that  the  fort  shall  be  in  atoms,  as 
soon  as  yonder  unbelievers  have  carried  it.  Oh,  my 
poor  mother !"  added  the  gallant  youth,  as  sighing,  yet 
fearless,  he  retired  to  his  post. 

I  gave  one  thought  to  my  blessed,  my  beautiful 
Belinda,  and  then,  stepping  into  the  front,  took  down 
one  of  the  swivels  ; — a  shower  of  matchlock  balls  came 
whizzing  round  my  head.  I  did  not  heed  them. 

I  took  the  swivel,  and  aimed  coolly.  Loll  Mahom- 
med,  his  palanquin,  and  his  men,  were  now  not  above 
two  hundred  yards  from  the  fort.  Loll  was  straight 
before  me,  gesticulating  and  shouting  to  his  men.  I 
fired — bang ! ! ! 

I  aimed  so  true,  that  one  hundred  and  seventeen  best 
Spanish  olives  were  lodged  in  a  lump  in  the  face  of  the 
unhappy  Loll  Mahommed.  The  wretch,  uttering  a  yell 
the  most  hideous  and  unearthly  I  ever  heard,  fell  back 
dead — the  frightened  bearers  flung  down  the  palanquin 
and  ran — the  whole  host  ran  as  one  man ;  their 
screams  might  be  heard  for  leagues.  "  Tomasha, 
tomasha,"  they  cried,  "it  is  enchantment!"  Away 
they  fled,  and  the  victory  a  third  time  was  ours.  Soon 
as  the  fight  was  done,  I  flew  back  to  my  Belinda — we 
had  eaten  nothing  for  twenty-four  hours,  but  I  forgot 
hunger  in  the  thought  of  once  more  beholding  her  ! 

The  sweet  soul  turned  towards  me  with  a  sickly 
smile  as  I  entered,  and  almost  fainted  in  my  arms ; 
but,  alas !  it  was  not  love  which  caused  in  her  bosom 
an  emotion  so  strong — it  was  hunger  !  "  Oh  !  my 
Goliah,"  whispered  she,  "  for  three  days  I  have  not  tasted 
food — I  could  not  eat  that  horrid  elephant  yesterday ; 
but  now — oh  !  heaven  !"  She  could  say  no  more,  but 


•LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAIIAGAN.  265 

sunk  almost  lifeless  on  my  shoulder.  I  administered 
to  her  a  trifling  dram  of  rum,  which  revived  her  for  a 
moment,  and  then  rushed  down  stairs,  determined  that 
if  it  were  a  piece  of  my  own  leg,  she  should  still  have 
something  to  satisfy  her  hunger.  Luckily  I  remember 
ed  that  three  or  four  elephants  were  still  lying  in  the 
field,  having  been  killed  by  us  in  the  first  action,  two 
days  before.  Necessity,  thought  I,  has  no  law ;  my 
adorable  girl  must  eat  elephant,  until  she  can  get  some 
thing  better. 

I  rushed  into  the  court  where  the  men  were,  for 
the  most  part,  assembled.  "  Men,"  said  I,  "  our  larder  is 
empty  ;  we  must  fill  it  as  we  did  the  day  before  yester 
day  ;  who  will  follow  Gahagan  on  a  foraging  party  ?" 
I  expected  that,  as  on  former  occasions,  every  man 
would  offer  to  accompany  me. 

To  my  astonishment,  not  a  soul  moved — a  murmur 
arose  among  the  troops ;  and  at  last,  one  of  the  oldest 
and  bravest  came  forward. 

"  Captain,"  he  said,  "  it  is  of  no  use ;  we  cannot  feed 
upon  elephants  for  ever;  we  have  not  a  grain  of 
powder  left,  and  must  give  up  the  fort  when  the  attack 
is  made  to-morrow.  We  may  as  well  be  prisoners  now 
as  then,  and  we  won't  go  elephant-hunting  any  more." 

"  Ruffian  !"  I  said,  "  he  who  first  talks  of  surrender, 
dies !"  and  I  cut  him  down.  "  Is  there  any  one  else 
who  wishes  to  speak  ?" 

No  one  stirred. 

"  Cowards !  miserable  cowards !"  shouted  I ;  "  what, 

you  dare  not  move  for  fear  of  death,  at  the  hands  of 

those  wretches  who  even  now  fled  before  your  arms — 

what,  do  I  say  your  arms? — before  mine! — alone  I 

12 


266  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

did  it;  and  as  alone  I  routed  the  foe,  alone  I  will 
victual  the  fortress  !  Ho  !  open  the  gate  !" 

I  rushed  out ;  not  a  single  man  would  follow.  The 
bodies  of  the  elephants  that  we  had  killed  still  lay  on 
the  ground  where  they  had  fallen,  about  four  hundred 
yards  from  the  fort.  I  descended  calmly  the  hill,  a 
very  steep  one,  and  coming  to  the  spot,  took  my  pick 
of  the  animals,  choosing  a  tolerably  small  and  plump 
one,  of  about  thirteen  feet  high,  which  the  vultures  had 
respected.  I  threw  this  animal  over  my  shoulders,  and 
made  for  the  fort. 

As  I  marched  up  the  acclivity,  whizz — piff — whirr! 
came  the  balls  over  my  head ;  and  pitter-patter,  pitter- 
patter  !  they  fell  on  the  body  of  the  elephant  like  drops 
of  rain.  The  enemy  were  behind  me ;  I  knew  it,  and 
quickened  my  pace.  I  heard  the  gallop  of  their  horse  : 
they  came  nearer,  nearer;  I  was  within  a  hundred 
yards  of  the  fort — seventy — fifty !  I  strained  every 
nerve;  I  panted  with  the  superhuman  exertion — I  ran, 
— could  a  man  run  very  fast  with  such  a  tremendous 
weight  on  his  shoulders  ? 

Up  came  the  enemy ;  fifty  horsemen  were  shouting 
and  screaming  at  my  tail.  Oh,  heaven !  five  yards 
more — one  moment — and  I  am  saved ! — It  is  done — 
I  strain  the  last  strain — I  make  the  last  step — I 
fling  forward  my  precious  burden  into  the  gate  open 
ed  wide  to  receive  me  and  it,  and — I  fall !  The 
gate  thunders  to,  and  I  am  left  on  the  outside!  Fifty 
knives  are  gleaming  before  my  bloodshot  eyes — fifty 
black  hands  are  at  my  throat,  when  a  voice  exclaims, 
"  Stop  ! — kill  him  not,  it  is  Gujputi !"  A  film  came 
over  my  eyes — exhausted  nature  would  bear  no  more. 


LIFE    OF    \fVlOR    GAITAQAX.  207 

CHAPTER  IX. 

SURPRISE    OF    FUTTYGHUR. 

WHEN  I  awoke  from  the  trance  into  which  I  had  fallen, 
I  found  myself  in  a  bath,  surrounded  by  innumerable 
black  faces ;  and  a  Hindoo  pothukoor  (whence  our 
word  apothecary)  feeling  my  pulse,  and  looking  at  me 
with  an  air  of  sagacity. 

"  Where  am  I  ?"  I  exclaimed,  looking  round  and 
examining  the  strange  faces,  and  the  strange  apartment 
which  met  my  view.  "  Bekhusm  !"  said  the  apothecary. 
"  Silence !  Gahagan  Saib  is  in  the  hands  of  those  who 
know  his  valour,  and  will  save  his  life." 

"  Know  my  valour,  slave  ?  Of  course  you  do,"  said 
I ;  "  but  the  fort — the  garrison — the  elephant — Belinda, 
my  love — my  darling — Macgillicuddy — the  scoundrelly 
mutineers — the  deal  bo — "  *  *  * 

I  could  say  no  more ;  the  painful  recollections  pressed 
so  heavily  upon  my  poor  shattered  mind  and  frame, 
that  both  failed  once  more.  I  fainted  again,  and  I 
know  not  how  long  I  lay  insensible. 

Again,  however,  I  came  to  my  senses  ;  the  pothukoor 
applied  restoratives,  and  after  a  slumber  of  some  hours, 
I  awoke,  much  refreshed.  I  had  no  wound ;  my  re 
peated  swoons  had  been  brought  on  (as  indeed  well 
they  might)  by  my  gigantic  efforts  in  carrying  the 
elephant  up  a  steep  hill  a  quarter  of  a  mile  in  length. 
Walking,  the  task  is  bad  enough,  but  running,  it  is  the 
deuce ;  and  I  would  recommend  any  of  my  readers  who 


268  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

may  be  disposed  to  try  and  carry  a  dead  elephant, 
never,  on  any  account,  to  go  a  pace  of  more  than  five 
miles  an  hour. 

Scarcely  was  I  awake,  when  I  heard  the  clash  of 
arms  at  my  door  (plainly  indicating  that  sentinels  were 
posted  there),  and  a  single  old  gentleman,  richly  habit 
ed,  entered  the  room.  Did  my  eyes  deceive  me  ?  I 
had  surely  seen  him  before.  No — yes — no — yes — it 
was  he — the  snowy  white  beard,  the  mild  eyes,  the 
nose  flattened  to  a  jelly,  and  level  with  the  rest  of  the 
venerable  face,  proclaimed  him  at  once  to  be — Saadut 
Allee  Beg  Bimbukchee,  Holkar's  prime  vizier,  whose 
nose,  as  the  reader  may  recollect,  his  highness  had 
flattened  with  his  kaleawn,  during  my  interview  with 
him  in  the  Pitan's  disguise. — I  now  knew  my  fate  but 
too  well — I  was  in  the  hands  of  Ilolkar. 

Saadut  Allee  Beg  Bimbukchee  slowly  advanced 
towards  me,  and  with  a  mild  air  of  benevolence,  which 
distinguished  that  excellent  man  (he  was  torn  to  pieces 
by  wild  horses  the  year  after,  on  account  of  a  difference 
with  Holkar),  he  came  to  my  bedside,  and  taking  gently 
my  hand,  said,  "Life  and  death,  my  son,  are  not  ours. 
Strength  is  deceitful,  valour  is  unavailing,  fame  is  only 
wind — the  nightingale  sings  of  the  rose  all  night — 
where  is  the  rose  in  the  morning  ?  Booch,  booch  !  it 
is  withered  by  a  frost.  The  rose  makes  remarks  regard 
ing  the  nightingale,  and  where  is  that  delightful  song 
bird?  Pena-bekhoda,  he  is  netted,  plucked,  spitted, 
and  roasted  !  Who  knows  how  misfortune  comes  ?  It 
has  come  to  Gahagan  Gujputi !" 

"  It  is  well,"  said  I,  stoutly,  and  in  the  Malay  lan 
guage.  "  Gahagan  Gujputi  will  bear  it  like  a  man." 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  2(59 

"  No  doubt — like  a  wise  man  and  a  brave  one  ;  but 
there  is  no  lane  so  long  to  which  there  is  not  a  turning, 
no  night  so  black  to  which  there  comes  not  a  morning. 
Icy  winter  is  followed  by  merry  spring  time — grief  is 
often  succeeded  by  joy." 

"  Interpret,  oh  riddler !"  said  I ;  "  Gahagan  Khan  is 
no  reader  of  puzzles — no  prating  Mollah.  Gujputi 
loves  not  words,  but  swords." 

"  Listen,  then,  oh,  Gujputi :  you  are  in  Holkar's 
power." 

"  I  know  it." 

"You  will  die  by  the  most  horrible  tortures  to 
morrow  morning  ?" 

"  I  dare  say." 

"They  will  tear  your  teeth  from  your  jaws,  your 
nails  from  your  fingers,  and  your  eyes  from  your 
head." 

"  Very  possibly." 

"They  will  flay  you  alive,  and  then  burn  you." 

"  Well ;  they  can't  do  any  more." 

"They  will  seize  upon  every  man  and  woman  in 
yonder  fort" — it  was  not  then  taken  ! — "  and  repeat  upon 
them  the  same  tortures." 

"  Ha  !  Belinda  !  Speak — how  can  all  this  be  avoid 
ed  ?" 

"Listen.  Gahagan  loves  the  moon-face,  called 
Belinda." 

"  He  does,  Vizier,  to  distraction." 

"  Of  what  rank  is  he  in  the  Koompani's  army  ?" 

"  A  captain." 

"  A  miserable  captain — oh,  shame !  Of  what  creed 
is  he  ?" 


270  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

"  I  am  an  Irishman,  and  a  Catholic." 

"But  he  has  not  been  very  particular  about  his 
religious  duties?" 

"  Alas,  no." 

"He  has  not  been  to  his  mosque  for  these  twelve 
years  ?" 

"  Tis  too  true." 

"Hearken,  now,  Gahagan  Khan.  His  Highness 
Prince  Holkar  has  sent  me  to  thee.  You  shall  have 
the  moon-face  for  your  wife — your  second  wife,  that  is ; 
; — the  first  shall  be  the  incomparable  Puttee  Rooge, 
who  loves  you  to  madness  ; — with  Puttee  Rooge,  who 
is  the  wife,  you  shall  have  the  wealth  and  rank,  of  Bob- 
bachy  Bahawder,  of  whom  his  highness  intends  to  get 
rid.  You  shall  be  second  in  command  of  his  high- 
ness's  forces.  Look,  here  is  his  commission  signed  with 
the  celestial  seal,  and  attested  by  the  sacred  names  of 
the  forty-nine  Imaums.  You  have  but  to  renounce 
your  religion  and  your  service,  and  all  these  rewards 
are  yours." 

He  produced  a  parchment,  signed  as  he  said,  and 
gave  it  to  me  (it  was  beautifully  written  in  Indian  ink 
— I  had  it  for  fourteen  years,  but  a  rascally  valet,  see 
ing  it  very  dirty,  washed  it,  forsooth,  and  washed  off 
every  bit  of  the  writing) — I  took  it  calmly,  and  said, 
"This  is  a  tempting  offer;  oh,  Vizier,  how  long  wilt 
thou  give  me  to  consider  of  it?" 

After  a  long  parley,  he  allowed  me  six  hours,  when  I 
promised  to  give  him  an  answer.  My  mind,  however, 
was  made  up — as  soon  as  he  was  gone,  I  threw  myself 
on  the  sofa  and  fell  asleep. 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  271 

At  the  end  of  the  six  hours  the  Vizier  came  back  : 
^wo  people  were  with  him  ;  one,  by  his  martial  appear 
ance,  I  knew  to  be  Holkar,  the  other  I  did  not  recog 
nise.  It  was  about  midnight. 

"  Have  you  considered  ?"  said  the  Vizier,  as  he  came 
to  my  couch. 

"  I  have,"  said  I,  sitting  up, — I  could  not  stand,  for 
my  legs  were  tied,  and  my  arms  fixed  in  a  neat  pair 
of  steel  handcuffs.  "  I  have,"  said  I,  "  unbelieving 
dogs !  I  have.  Do  you  think  to  pervert  a  Christian 
gentleman  from  his  faith  and  honour  ?  Ruffian  blacka 
moors  !  do  your  worst;  heap  tortures  on  this  body, 
they  cannot  last  long — tear  me  to  pieces — after  you 
have  torn  me  into  a  certain  number  of  pieces,  I  shall 
not  feel  it — and  if  I  did,  if  each  torture  could  last  a 
life — if  each  limb  were  to  feel  the  agonies  of  a  whole 
body,  what  then  ?  I  would  bear  all — all — all — all — all 
— ALL  !" — My  breast  heaved — my  form  dilated — my 
eye  flashed  as  I  spoke  these  words.  "  Tyrants  !"  said 
I,  "  Dnlce  et  decorum  est  pro  patria  rnori."  Having 
thus  clinched  the  argument,  I  was  silent. 

The  venerable  Grand  Vizier  turned  away,  I  saw  a  tear 
trickling  down  his  cheeks. 

"  What  a  constancy,"  said  he ;  "  oh,  that  such 
beauty  and  such  bravery  should  be  doomed  so  soon  to 
quit  the  earth  !" 

His  tall  companion  only  sneered  and  said,  "and 
Belinda—" 

"  Ha  I"  said  I ;  "  ruffian,  be  still !— Heaven  will  pro 
tect  her  spotless  innocence.  Holkar,  I  know  thee,  and 
thou  knowest  me,  too !  Who  with  his  single  sword 
destroyed  thy  armies  ? — Who.  with  his  pistol,  cleft  in 


272  SOME    PASSAGES    IN    THE 

twain  thy  nose-ring  ?  Who  slow  thy  generals  ?  Who 
slew  thy  elephants  ?  Three  hundred  mighty  beasts 
went  forth  to  battle  :  of  these,  1  slew  one  hundred  and 
thirty-five ! — Dog,  coward,  ruffian,  tyrant,  unbeliever  ! 
Gahagan  hates  thee,  spurns  thee,  spits  on  thee !" 

Holkar,  as  I  made  these  uncomplimentary  remarks, 
gave  a  scream  of  rage,  and,  drawing  his  scimetar, 
rushed  on  to  despatch  me  at  once  (it  was  the  very 
thing  I  wished  for),  when  the  third  person  sprang  for 
ward,  and  seizing  his  arm,  cried — 

"Papa;  oh,  save  him!"  It  was  Puttee  Rooge ! 
"  Remember,"  continued  she,  "  his  misfortunes — remem 
ber,  oh,  remember  my — love  !" — and  here  she  blushed, 
and  putting  one  finger  into  her  mouth  and  hanging 
down  her  head,  looked  the  very  picture  of  modest 
affection. 

Holkar  sulkily  sheathed  his  scimetar,  and  muttered, 
"  'Tis  better  as  it  is ;  had  I  killed  him  now,  I  had 
spared  him  the  torture.  None  of  this  shameless  fool 
ing,  Puttee  Rooge,"  continued  the  tyrant,  dragging  her 
away.  "  Captain  Gahagan  dies  three  hours  from 
hence  " — Puttee  Rooge  gave  one  scream  and  fainted — 
her  father  and  the  Vizier  carried  her  off  between  them  ; 
nor  was  I  loath  to  part  with  her,  for,  with  all  her  love, 
she  was  as  ugly  as  the  deuce. 

They  were  gone — my  Me  was  decided.  I  had  but 
three  hours  more  of  life :  so  I  flung  myself  again  on 
the  sofa,  and  fell  profoundly  asleep.  As  it  ma}7  happen 
to  any  of  my  readers  to  be  in  the  same  situation,  and 
to  be  hanged  themselves,  let  me  earnestly  entreat  them 
to  adopt  this  plan  of  going  to  sleep,  which  I  for  my 
part  have  repeatedly  found  to  be  successful. — It  saves 


LIFE    OF    MAJOR    GAHAGAN.  273 

unnecessary  annoyance,  it  passes  away  a  great  deal  of 
unpleasant  time,  and  it  prepares  one  to  meet  like  a  man 

the  coming  catastrophe. 

***** 

Three  o'clock  came :  the  sun  was  at  this  time  mak 
ing  his  appearance  in  the  heavens,  and  with  it  came  the 
guards,  who  were  appointed  to  conduct  me  to  the  tor 
ture.  I  woke,  rose,  was  carried  out,  and  was  set  on  the 
very  white  donkey  on  which  Loll  Mahommed  was  con 
ducted  through  the  camp,  after  he  was  bastinadoed. 
Bobbachy  Bahawder  rode  behind  me,  restored  to  his 
rank  and  state ;  troops  of  cavalry  hemmed  us  in  on  all 
sides;  my  ass  was  conducted  by  the  common  execu 
tioner  :  a  crier  went  forward,  shouting  out,  "  Make  way 
for  the  destroyer  of  the  faithful — he  goes  to  bear  the 
punishment  of  his  crimes."  We  came  to  the  fatal 
plain  :  it  was  the  very  spot  whence  I  had  borne  away 
the  elephant,  and  in  full  sight  of  the  fort.  I  looked 
towards  it.  Thank  Heaven !  King  George's  banner 
waved  on  it  still — a  crowd  were  gathered  on  the  walls 
— the  men,  the  dastards  who  had  deserted  me — and 
women,  too.  Among  the  latter  I  thought  1  distin 
guished  one  who — Oh,  gods !  the  thought  turned  me 
sick — I  trembled  and  looked  pale  for  the  first  time. 

"  He  trembles !  he  turns  pale,"  shouted  out  Bobba 
chy  Bahawder,  ferociously  exulting  over  his  conquered 
enemy. 

"  Dog !"  shouted  I — (I  was  sitting  with  my  head  to 
the  donkey's  tail,  and  so  looked  the  Bobbachy  full  in 
the  face) — "  not  so  pale  as  you  looked,  when  I  felled 
you  with  this  arm — not  so  pale  as  your  women  looked, 
when  I  entered  your  harem  !"  Completely  chop-fallen, 
12* 


274  SOME    PASSAGES    IN     THE 


the  Indian  ruffian  was  silent :  at  any  rate,  I  had  done 
for  him. 

We  arrived  at  the  place  of  execution — a  stake,  a  cou 
ple  of  feet  thick  and  eight  high,  was  driven  in  the 
grass;  round  the  stake,  about  seven  feet  from  the 
ground,  was  an  iron  ring,  to  which  were  attached  two 
fetters ;  in  these  my  wrists  were  placed — two  or  three 
executioners  stood  near  with  strange-looking  instru 
ments  :  others  were  blowing  at  a  fire,  over  which  was  a 
cauldron,  and  in  the  embers  were  stuck  other  prongs 
and  instruments  of  iron. 

The  crier  came  forward  and  read  my  sentence.  It 
was  the  same  in  effect  as  that  which  had  been  hinted 
to  me  the  day  previous  by  the  Grand  Vizier.  I  confess 
I  was  too  agitated  exactly  to  catch  every  word  that 
was  spoken. 

Holkar  himself,  on  a  tall  dromedary,  was  at  a  little 
distance.  The  Grand  Vizier  came  up  to  me — it  was  his 
duty  to  stand  by,  and  see  the  punishment  performed. 
"  It  is  yet  time,"  said  he. 

I  nodded  my  head,  but  did  not  answer. 

The  Vizier  cast  up  to  heaven  a  look  of  inexpressi 
ble  anguish,  and  with  a  voice  choking  with  emotion, 
said,  "  Executioner — do — your — duty!" 

The  horrid  man  advanced — he  whispered  sulkily  in 
the  ears  of  the  Grand  Vizier,  "  Guygly  Jca  ghee,  hum 
khedgerec,"  said  lie,  "  the  oil  does  not  boil  yet — wait 
one  minute."  The  assistants  blew,  the  fire  blazed,  the  oil 
was  heated.  The  Vizier  drew  a  few  feet  aside,  taking  a 
large  ladle  full  of  the  boiling  liquid,  he  advanced, 
and— 

****** 
*  ***** 


LIFE    OP    MAJOR    GAHAGAAT.  275 

Whish  !  bang,  bang  !  pop  !  the  executioner  was  dead 
at  my  feet,  shot  through  the  head  ;  the  ladle  of  scald 
ing  oil  had  been  dashed  in  the  face  of  the  unhappy 
Grand  Vizier,  who  lay  on  the  plain,  howling.  "  Whish  ! 
bang  !  pop  !  Hurrah  ! — charge  ! — forwards  ! — cut  them 
down  ! — no  quarter !" 

I  saw — yes,  no,  yes,  no,  yes ! — I  saw  regiment  upon 
regiment  of  galloping  British  horsemen,  riding  over  the 
ranks  of  the  flying  natives  !  First  of  the  host,  I  recog 
nised,  oh,  Heaven  !  my  AHMEDNUGGAR  IRREGU 
LARS  !  On  came  the  gallant  line  of  black  steeds  and 
horsemen ;  swift,  swift  before  them  rode  my  officers  in 
yellow — Glogger,  Pappendick,  and  Stuffle  ;  their  sabres 
gleamed  in  the  sun,  their  voices  rung  in  the  air.  "  D — 
them  !"  they  cried,  "  give  it  them,  boys  !"  A  strength 
supernatural  thrilled  through  my  veins  at  that  delicious 
music  ;  by  one  tremendous  effort,  I  wrenched  the  post 
from  its  foundation,  five  feet  in  the  ground.  I  could 
not  release  rny  hands  from  the  fetters,  it  is  true ;  but, 
grasping  the  beam  tightly,  I  sprung  forward — with  one 
blow,  I  levelled  the  five  executioners  in  the  midst  of  the 
fire,  their  fall  upsetting  the  scalding  oil-can ;  with  the 
next,  I  swept  the  bearers  of  Bobbachy's  palanquin  off 
their  legs  ;  with  the  third,  I  caught  that  chief  himself  in 
the  small  of  the  back,  and  sent  him  flying  on  to  the 
sabres  of  my  advancing  soldiers  ! 

The  next  minute,  Glogger  and  Stuffle  were  in  my 
arms,  Pappendick  leading  on  the  Irregulars.  Friend 
and  foe  in  that  wild  chase  had  swept  far  away.  We 
were  alone,  I  was  freed  from  my  immense  bar ;  and  ten 
minutes  afterwards,  when  Lord  Lake  trotted  up  with 
his  staff,  he  found  me  sitting  on  it. 


276  SOME    PASSAGES,    ETC. 

"Look  at  Gahagan,"  said  his  lordship.  "  Gentlemen, 
did  I  not  tell  you  we  should  be  sure  to  find  him  at  his 
post  ?" 

The  gallant  old  nobleman  rode  on :  and  this  was  the 

famOUS     BATTLE     OP     FURRUCKABAD,      OR     SURPRISE     OF 

FUTTYGHUR,  fought  on  the  17th  of  November,  1804. 
***** 

About  a  month  afterwards,  the  following  announcement 
appeared  in  Boggleywallah  Hurkaru,  and  other  Indian 
papers  : — "  Married,  on  the  25th  of  December,  at  Futty- 
ghur,  by  the  Rev.  Dr.  Snorter,  Captain  Goliali  O'Grady 
Gahagan,  Commanding  Irregular  Horse  Ahmednuggar, 
to  Belinda,  second  daughter  of  Major-General  Bulcher, 
C.  B.  His  Excellency  the  Commander-in-Chief  gave 
away  the  bride  ;  and  after  a  splendid  dejeune,  the  hap 
py  pair  set  off  to  pass  the  Mango  season  at  Hurrygur- 
rybang.  Venus  must  recollect,  however,  that  Mars 
must  not  always  be  at  her  side.  The  Irregulars  are 
nothing  without  their  leader." 

Such  was  the  paragraph — such  the  event — the  hap 
piest  in  the  existence  of 

G.  0'  G.  M.  H.  E.  I.  C.  S.  C.  I.  H.  A. 


THE    END. 


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iive,  adventure,  invention,  poetry,  sentiment,  wit,  and  humor. 

Books  will  be  presented,  which,  in  the  words  of  a  great 
author,  "  quicken  the  intelligence  of  youth,  delight  age,  decu- 
rate  prosperity,  shelter  and  solace  us  in  adversity,  bring  en 
joyment  at  home,  befriend  us  out  of  doors,  pass  the  night  with 
ua,  travel  with  us,  go  into  the  country  with  us." 

The  earl  est  issues  of  this  series  will  comprise  complete  and 
Independent  works  by  the  following  among  other  authors  -  - 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


THACKERAI'  (the  author  of  "Vanity  Fair"),  the  late  ROBERT 
SOUTHEY,  JOHN  FORSTER,  SIR  HUMPHREY  DAVY,  JOHN  WILSON 
("Christopher  North"  of  Black  wood),  W  ALTER  SAVAGE  LAXDOR. 
the  Writers  for  the  LONDON  TIMES,  the  leading  QUARTERLY 
REVIEWS,  LEIGH  HUNT,  the  late  WILLIAM  HAZLITT,  the  authors 
of  the  "  Rejected  Addresses,"  BARIIAM  (author  of  the  "  la- 
gcldsby  Legends"),  SIR  FRANCIS  HEAD,  JAMES  MONTGOMERY,  &c., 
Ac.,  comprising  generally  the  most  brilliant  authors  of  the 
Nineteenth  Century. 

Ari'LEToxs'  POPULAR  LIBRARY  will  Le  printed  uniformly  in 
n  very  elegant  and  convenient  IGmo.  form,  in  volumes  of  from 
250  to  400  pages  each,  from  new  type  and  on  superior  paper, 
and  will  be  bound  in  a  novel  and  attractive  style  for  preserva 
tion,  in  fancy  cloth,  and  will  be  sold  at  the  average  price  of 
fifty  cents  per  volume. 

The  following  books,  indicating  the  variety  of  the  series, 
"  are  preparing  for  immediate  publication ;  and  orders  of  the 
Trade  are  solicited: — 

ESSAYS:  A  SERIES  OF  PERSONAL  AND  HISTORICAL 
SKETCHES  FROM  THE  LONDON  TIMES. 

LIFE  AND  MISCELLANIES  OF  THEODORE  HOOK. 

JOHN  FORSTER'S  LIFE  OF  GOLDSMITH. 

THE  YELLOWPLUSII  PAPERS  AND  OTHER  VOLUMES, 
BY  WILLIAM  M.  THACKERAY,  AUTHOR  OF  "VAN 
ITY  FAIR." 

JEREMY  TAYLOR;  A  BIOGRAPHY,  BY  ROBERT  AR13 
WILLMOTT. 

LEIGH  HUNT'S  BOOK  FOR  A  CORNER. 

THE  MISCELLANEOUS  WRITINGS  OF  JAMES  AND 
HORACE  SMITH,  THE  AUTHORS  OF  THE  "RE 
JECTED  ADDRESSES." 

THE  1NGOLDSBY  LEGENDS,  BY  BARIIAM. 

LITTLE  PEDLINGTON  AND  THE  PEDLINGTON  LANS 
BY  JOHN  POOLE,  AUTHOR  OF  "PAUL  PRY." 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


APPLETON3'  POPULAR  LIBRARY. 

RECOLLECTIONS   OF  A  JOURNEY  THROUGH 

TARTARY,  THIBET,  AND  CHINA,  DURING 

THE  YEARS  1844,   1845,  AND   1846. 

BY  M.  IIUC,  MISSIONARY  PRIEST  OF  THE  COSOREGATI3N 
OF    ST.  LAZARUS. 

A   CONDENSED   TRANSLATION   BY   MRS,    PERCY   STNNETT. 

Two  Volumes,  IQmo.,  Fancy  Cloth.    Price  Fifty  Cents  each. 

This  narrative,  related  with  great  interest  and  simplicity — adding  toon* 
original  stores  of  information  with  the  piquancy  of  an  Arabian  Tale — is  th« 
Btory  of  a  long  journey  and  circuit  of  Chinese  Tartary  to  the  capital  of  Thi 
bet,  with  a  forced  return  to  the  Chinese  Territory,  performed  by  a  Roman 
Catholic  Missionary,  and  his  assistant  M.  Gabet,  delegated,  upon  the  break 
Ing  np  of  the  Pekin  Mission,  to  the  exploration  of  what  is  rather  hypotheti 
sally  called  the  Apostolieal  Vicariat  of  Mongolia.  On  their  route  every 
where  is  novelty,  danger  and  excitement— fresh  scenery,  fresh  adventure, 
with  religious  rites  and  manners  and  custo.ns,  now  for  the  first  time  so  fully 
described,  and  which,  it  may  be  remarked,  at  times  appeal  net  merely  to 
our  love  of  intelligence,  but  to  our  love  of  the  marvellous. 

The  English  Review  speaks  of  "M.  Hue's  graphic  pages''  and  remarks, 
"tha  labours  of  Messrf.  Hue  and  Gabet  have  extended  very  considerably 
the  existing  amount  of  knowledge  of  those  remote  regions  of  inner  Asia." 

Bl<tckioo»d\<i  Magazine,  summing  up  the  results  of  those  and  other  re 
searches  in  an  article  "Tibet  and  the  Lamas,"  says  of  these  missionaries — 
"they  have  given  us  a  most  readable  and  interesting  personal  narrative  of  a 
life  of  continued  hardships,  and  of  frequent  suffering  and  danger  in  remote 
r»  scions,  the  routes  through  which  were  partly  never  before  recorded  in  de 
tail,  and  partly  never  before  trodden  by  any  European." 

The  London  Daily  News  pronounces  M.  Hue  "a  most  agreeable  narra- 
toi.  We  give  our  readers  a  specimen  of  this  really  charming  book,  thougTi 
It  is  one  which  most  of  our  readers  will  be  sure  to  purchase  and  treasure  up 
Ibr  themselves.  We  could  fill  columns  with  amusing  extracts,  but  it  is  b«U 
to  send  our  readers  to  the  book  itse!£ 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


APPLETONS'  POPULAR  LIBRARY. 

THE  MAIDEN  AND  MARRIED  LIFE  OF 
MARY  POWELL, 

AFTERWARDS    MISTRESS    MILTON. 

Price  Fifty  Cents 

"A  reproduction  "in  their  manners  as  they  lived"  of  John  Milton  and 
his  young  bride,  of  whom  the  anecdote  of  their  separation  and  reconcilia 
tion  is  told  in  Dr.  Johnson's  biography  of  the  pock  The  narrative  is  in  the 
style  of  the  period  as  the  Diary  of  Lady  Willonghby  is  written,  and  is  re 
markable  for  its  feminine  grace  and  character — and  the  interest  of  real  life 
artistically  disposed :  a  book  for  the  selected  shelf  of  the  lady's  boudoir  in 
its  touches  of  nature  and  sen.iment  no  less  than  as  a  study  of  one  of  Eng 
land's  greatest  poets  "  at  homo." 

ENGLISH   NOTICES. 

"This  is  a  charming  book  ;  and  whether  we  regard  its  subject,  clever 
ness  or  delicacy  of  sentiment  and  expression,  it  is  likely  to  be  a  most  ac 
ceptable  present  to  young  or  old,  be  their  peculiar  taste  for  religion,  morals, 
ooetry,  history,  or  romance." — Christian  Observer. 

"  Unquestionably  the  production  of  an  able  hand,  and  a  refined  mind. 
We  recommend  it  to  all  who  love  pure,  healthy  literary  fare." — Church 
and  State  Gazette. 

"Full  of  incident  and  character,  and  exceeding'y  delightful  in  its  happy 
sketching  and  freshness  of  feeling.  It  i.c  by  far  the  best  work  of  the  small 
»nd  novel  class  to  which  it  belongs,  a  mixture  of  iruth  and  fiction  in  a  form 
which  belongs  to  the  fictitious  more  than  to  the  subsiantial  contents." — 
Nonconformist. 

"The  odd  history  of  Milton's  first  marriage— the  desertion  of  his  wife, 
and  her  subsequent  terror  when  she  heard  that  he  was  just  the  man  to  put 
In  practice  his  own  opinions  respecting  divorce — forms  ouo  of  tliohc.  chap 
ters,  peculiarly  open  to  illustration  ami  fancy.1'— 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


APPLETOHS'  POPULAR  LIBRARY. 
ESSAYS   FROM   THE  LONDON  TIMES. 

Price  Fifty  Cents. 
Containing  the  following  Papers: 

LORD    NELSON   AND   LADY    HAMILTON. 

RAILWAY   NOVELS. 

LOUIS   PHILIPPE   AND  HIS   FAMILY. 

DRAMA    OF   THE   FRENCH    REVOLUTION. 

HOWARD   THE   PHILANTHROPIST. 

ROBERT    SOUTHEY. 

THE   AMOURS   OF   DEAN   SWIFT. 

REMINISCENCES  OF  COLERIDGE  AND  SOUTHEY  BY  OOTTLB. 

JOHN   KEATS. 

SPORTING    IN   AFRICA. 

FRANCIS    OIIANTREY. 

ANCIENT   EGYPT. 

Brilliant  original  Essays,  frequently  displaying  the  neat  humor  of  a 
Sydney  Smith,  the  glowing  narrative  sweep  of  a  Macaulay.  These  Essays 
exhibit  a  variety  of  treatment,  and  are  models  of  their  class.  The  sketch 
of  the  French  Eevolution  of  1848,  and  the  paper  on  the  Amours  of  Dean 
Bwift,  are  masterpieces  in  their  different  ways ;  the  one  as  a  forcibly  painted 
picturesque  panorama  of  startling  events,  the  other  as  a  subtle  investigation 
of  character.  The  story  of  Lord  Nelson's  Lady  Hamilton  is  an  example  of 
pathos,  where  the  interest  grows  out  of  a  clear,  firmly  presented  statement 
The  paper  on  Egypt  is  an  admirable  resume1  of  the  results  of  Antiquarian 
study  in  a  style  at  once  learned  and  popular. 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


APPLETONS'  POPTJLAR  LIBRARY. 
THE    PARIS     SKETCH     BOOK. 

BY  W.  M.  THACKERAY. 

Two  Volumes.     Price  Fifty  Cents  each. 
Contents  of  Fol.  3E. 

AN    IX VA  SIGN    OF    FRANCE. 

A    CAUTION    TO    TEAVELLERS. 

THE    FETES    OF   JULY. 

ON    THE    FRENCH    SCHOOL    OF    PAINTING. 

THE  PAINTER'S  BARGAIN. 

CARTOUCHE. 

ON  SOME  FRENCH  FASHIONABLE  NOVELS. 

A  GAMBLER'S  DEATH. 

NAPOLEON  AND  HIS  SYSTEM. 

THE  STORY  OF  MARY  ANCEL. 

BEATRICE    MERGER. 

Contents  of  Vol.  H. 

CARICATURES    AND    LITHOGRAPHY   IN   PARIS. 

LITTLE    POINSINET. 

THE    DEVIL'S    WAGER. 

MADAME  SAND  AND  THE  NEW  APOCALYPSE. 

THE    CASE    OF    PEYTEL. 

IMITATIONS    OF   BERANGER. 

FRBNCII    DRAMAS    AND    MELODRAMAS. 

MEDITATIONS    AT    VERSAILLES. 

The  papers  of  which  these  volumes  consist  are  in  number  nineteen, 
and  in  character  very  miscellaneous.  In  most  of  them  wit  and  humor  ar» 
the  prevailing  features,  but  all  of  them  display  a  keen  sense  of  the  ridicu 
lous  and  a  hostility  to  humbug,  a  penetrating  insight  into  the  wheels  by 
•which  men  and  the  mixed  world  around  the  author  are  moved,  and  a 
thorough  dislike  to  the  foibles  and  vices  he  hesitates  not  to  lash  and  ex 
pose. — London  Literary  Gazette. 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


APPLETONS'  POPTTLAE  LIBRARY. 
THE    YELLOWPLUSH    PAPERS. 

BY    W.    M.    THACKERAY. 

Price  Fifty  Cents. 

Canttnt*. 

MISS    SHUM'S   HUSBAND. 

THE    AMOURS    OF   MR.    DEUCEACE. 

SKIMMINGS   FROM    "  THE  DAIRY   OF   GEORGE   IV.W 

FORING   PARTS. 

MR.    DEUCEACE    AT   PARIS. 

MR.    YELLOWPLUSn's    AJEW. 

EPISTLES    TO    THE   LITERATI. 

The  Yellowplush  Papers,  a  work  at  the  foundation  of  Mr.  Thacfceray  a 
fame  as  a  writer,  appeared  in  a  London  edition  in  1841,  collected  from  th* 
pages  of  Phaser's  Magazine.  An  imperfect  collection,  long  since  out  of 
print,  bad  previously  been  published  in  Philadelphia. 

It  is  now  revived,  in  connection  with  a  number  of  the  author's  miscel 
laneous  Writings,  which  will  appear  in  due  succession,  for  its  speciality  of 
thought  and  character,  and  its  exhibition  of  those  fruitful  germs  of  senti 
ment  and  observation  which  have  expanded  into  the  pictures  of  modern 
society,  read  throughout  the  world,  in  the  pages  of  "  Vanity  Fair"  and 
"Pendennis."  In  its  peculiar  line  the  Yellowplush  Papers  have  nevei 
been  surpassed.  The  character  is  well  preserved  and  unique  as  the  spell- 
Ing,  whlcb  shows  that  there  is  a  genius  even  for  cacography,  and  a  senti 
ment  as  well  as  a  hearty  laugh  in  a  wrong  combination  of  letters.  It  is  im 
possible  to  resist  the  infelicity  of  Mr.  Yellowplush.  His  humor,  too,  is  ft 
pretty  serious  test  of  the  ways  of  the  world,  and  profit,  as  well  a?  amuse 
ment,  may  be  got  from  his  epistles,  justifying  the  remark  of  an  English 
critic,  that  "notwithstanding  the  bad  spelling  and  mustard-colored  un 
mentionables  of  Mr.  Yellowplush,  he  is  fifty  times  more  of  a  gentleman 
than  most  of  his  masters." 


ADVERTISEMENTS. 


APPLETONS'  POPULAR  LIBRARY. 
GAIETIES    AND    GRAVITIES. 

Ef     HORACE     SMITH,    ONE     OF     THE     AUTHORS     OP     THE 
"  REJECTED    ADDRESSES." 

Price  Fifty  Cents. 
Contents. 

ADDRESS    TO    THE   MUMMY    AT    BELZON'l's    EXHIBITION. 
WINTER. 

ON    PUNS    AND    PUNSTERS. 
MY  TEA-KETTLE. 

THE    WIDOW    OF   THE   GREAT    ARMY. 
ON    NOSES. 

'  WALKS    IN   THE    GARDEN. 
CORONATION    EXTRAORDINARY. 
THE    ORANGE   TREE    AT    VERSAILLES 
ON    LIPS    AND    KISSING. 
TO    A    LOG    OF    WOOD    UPON    THE    FIRE. 

MISS      HEBE      HIGGINS'S     ACCOUNT     OF     A     LITERARY     SOCIETY 1  HI 

HOUNDSDITCH    ALBUM. 
ANTE    AND    POST    NUPTIAL   JOURNAL. 
THE    LIBRARY. 
UGLY    WOMEN. 
THE    WORLD. 
THE    FIRST   OF   MARCH. 
THE    ELOQUENCE   OF   EYES. 
ADDRESS   TO    THE   ALABASTER   SARCOPHAGUS    DEPOSITED    IN  THE  BHTt- 

ISH    MUSEUM. 
MEMOIRS    OF   A    HAUNCH    OF    MUTTON. 

BEGGARS  EXTRAORDINARY!  PROPOSALS  FOR  THEIR  SUPPRESSION. 
STANZAS  TO  PUNCHINELLO. 

LETTERS    TO   THE    ROYAL   LITERARY    SOCIETY. 

A  LAMENTATION  ON  THE  DECLINE  OF  BARBERS. 

CHANCES  OF  FEMALE  HAPPINESS. 

THE  STEAMBOAT  FROM  LONDON  TO  CALAIS. 

MEMNON'S  HEAD. 

WOMEN  VINDICATED. 

PORTRAIT  OF  A  SEPTUAGENARY. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


AUG  1  8  1986     9 

RECEIVED 

AUG  20  '66  -10  AM 

LOAN  DEPT. 

MAR    1  1983  1  ( 

EEC.  cm.  FEB5    "83 

LD  21A-60m-10,'65 
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General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


